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Original poster

To have just drained the joint savings account?

389 replies

JointAccountBye · 18/01/2022 20:31

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP posts:
mogschristmascalamity · 19/01/2022 08:35

Joint account for all bills. Both people get paid into own account and have SO set up to transfer a set amount each month leaving the same amount in own personal accounts (we have £250 in our own accounts, rest goes to joint).

Any surplus from joint goes to savings at end of month.

Its the only way to do it fairly.

user1471538283 · 19/01/2022 08:37

The bit that annoys me is that he sees it as your responsibility. He pays what he thinks is his bit and everything else is for you. You have to make sure there is money for bread and milk.

I'd suggest swapping if he is feeling so hard done by. I would also only save into my account and when something needs doing/paying tell him there is no money.

What is he spending his money on?

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 19/01/2022 08:37

What does he spend his spare money on?

Yes I'd like to know this as well.

I think different systems work for different relationships and providing neither party feels hard done by it's fine. But this situation sounds mad to me. Being unwilling to change things when one person is pissed off with it is either lazy or showing you exactly how they feel about you, only the OP can answer that.

But the card pin number issue would drive me mad. How does he pay for stuff when he's out and about and you're not with him OP? Petrol? The odd coffee or snack? A takeaway? I'd be suspicious that he hasn't forgotten it at all and is just using it as an excuse to get you to pay. Maybe he's spent all his money on other stuff and his account is almost empty? Have you actually seen his bank statements lately?

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 19/01/2022 08:39

Good on yer, girl.

oviraptor21 · 19/01/2022 08:41

Yep - echoing PP.
Do a spreadsheet for all the outgoings and show him.
Then insist on a joint account. Agree an amount each.
He then has to do two things - he can manage this, he's a big boy - set up standing order into the joint account, and transfer the mortgage DD to it.
If he refused to do this or didn't offer a satisfactory alternative (not sure there is one but you may be) it would be a deal breaker for me as it would show how little respect he has for you.

CeceBerry · 19/01/2022 08:51

A lot of posters are giving the OP really great advice about how to change things......but they are not reading what she has been posting. The ‘D’h doesn’t want to change.

I honestly don’t know how you’re going to fix this - tally up both monthly expenses but will he actually go into his account and tell you how much he’s spent on the bills? Seems like he can’t be arsed. Or as you said start acting like him and say you don’t have money.

jackstini · 19/01/2022 08:52

You seriously need to sit down and do a spreadsheet to work out what you are spending

List all direct debits
Go through bank/credit card statements for food/clothes etc.
Consider annual costs like insurance and holidays

Work out the current amounts for you both

Do you have access to all the accounts?
Tell him you are moving everything into one account
It's a bit of a pain I know, but not that difficult and will be 100% worth it to avoid all the issues you have now

I would be tearing my hair out!

RandomLondoner · 19/01/2022 08:52

This set up - man pays fixed bills, woman pays variable bills like shopping, child stuff etc - is ALWAYS ALWAYS unfair on the woman.

I am the man in such an arrangement. Over a long marriage, DW has paid just under a quarter of joint outgoings. (I pay her back for half of shopping, which is why I have records of how much it is.)

AChocolateCoin · 19/01/2022 08:53

I thought that now it was very easy to transfer all direct debits to a new account, don't the bank do it all for you? So simple.

I would definitely look into transferring all his direct debits into the joint account and also sit down and show him all the money you spend throughout every month. Completely unfair of him to have money for just him whilst you are funding everyone.

cleocleo81 · 19/01/2022 08:55

Why don't you ask him to set up a standing order for half the nursery fees so they always come out and a standing order for x amount to go into the savings account as soon as he is paid?

Skeumorph · 19/01/2022 08:56

Well if he's not contributed, they're your savings. So you can put them where you like. You have this cash, he has whatever he spunked his wages on, eh?

Now comes the change.

Tell him from now on, it's a joint account, which you both move the majority of your wages to, on standing order, same amount. Everything comes out of this - bills, food, child stuff, everyday expenses. EVERYTHING.

Then pack a bag, get your child and tell him you're going to stay with family and you'll be back when it is done, because the time for pissing around and snaking about to pay less is OVER.

That really is the only way you are going to get across that you won't take it - by NOT TAKING IT.

You and your bank account are elsewhere and you won't be paying for jack shit until it's fair.

BridStar · 19/01/2022 08:57

Never combine finances. Never pay for a freeloader. Don't marry them either.

RebeccasoldercousinSusie · 19/01/2022 09:04

You need to write a list of your outgoings and work out a fair system. If you are paying significantly more you can highlight this. Right now you aren’t able to quantify it.

If his direct debits add up to more than you pay, then you paying into savings makes sense. If they don’t, then he also needs to contribute.

RandomLondoner · 19/01/2022 09:04

Being married means you own all assets and money together. You're one financial unit. That's what being married sodding well means! It's a contract between two people to share all their assets

I can see why anyone who has listened to wedding vows would think this, but it's not true at all, in England anyway. Any money that's in an account in your own name is 100% yours to do with as you like. Also, you are not legally responsible for your partners debts.

Pyewhacket · 19/01/2022 09:06

...so it's not "family money" then. It's yours coz you earn it !.

Bitzandbobsbitzandbobs · 19/01/2022 09:07

We don't have a joint account, we feel we have never needed one and that it would cause more problems than provide solutions.

I pay the mortgage and associated life insurance and home insurance , plus any ' bits and bobs' shopping .My partner pays all the utilities and for the the big shop.

I feel like a pay more than she does, but I bet if we went through a monthly bank statement, it wouldn't make much difference.

The truth is, it doesn't really matter. As a family, it doesn't benefit anybody if one of us runs out of money.

For example , if I hit zero with a week to pay day, my other half will pay for everything and give me some money for travel costs etc.

If she wanted to go out , and didn't have the money, I would give it her.

I think that's where trust comes in ..you need to believe that your partner isn't being frivolous or generally taking the piss.

It doesn't seem like the OP has any financial trust in her DH, which isn't a great sign.

Maybe this could be resolved with a big, serious conversation and a breakdown of all outgoings with evidence ( receipts, bank statements) that proves an imbalance of outgoings.

femfemlicious · 19/01/2022 09:14

@JointAccountBye its not that he cant be arsed to move the direct debits. He doesnt want to do it. He is happy with you paying more and being the only one saving because it benefits him. Its going to be a battle to change this.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 19/01/2022 09:19

The only way to make it even is for you to have 4 'pots'.
Add up ALL direct debits ( including mortgage) and both of you put equal amounts into that pot every month WITHOUT FAIL.
Each of you take an equal slice of your income for your own personal spends, club fees, subs, clothes, whatever and those amounts stay in your own accounts. (pots 3&4)
The 4th pot is for everything else and a tally kept in a book ie: DH - car service 01/01/2010 £49 or OP: 26/01/2010 groceries and wine £67.25.
It only takes a moment at the end of the day and put receipts in an envelope taped to the inside cover of the notebook.
Divide it into months and draw a line under each month as it ends.
It's not rocket science, it's called good financial housekeeping.
Everyone has the time to do this, so there are no excuses.

TravellingSpoon · 19/01/2022 09:22

This thread is turning into another 'write a cheque' thread.

Everyone giving the OP advice about budgets and joint accounts, but if her H isnt willing to do it then its a moot point.

You have my sympathies OP, My ExH was the same, and is one of the biggest reasons why he is my Ex.

Cherryblossoms85 · 19/01/2022 09:27

Can't imagine living like that. His attitude stinks. We have a joint account. We each put 90% of our income into it each month, leaving our own accounts with minimal money that's usually used for gifts for each other, or personal subscriptions. I would not continue in a marriage that involved me having to ask for money for joint bills.

Yerroblemom1923 · 19/01/2022 09:28

Does he have issues with gambling etc?

Eleganz · 19/01/2022 09:28

This is not a financial issue this is a relationship issue. You earn the same yet you are not contributing the same, he is being selfish and not supporting your marriage.

Dontwanttolivewithmylover · 19/01/2022 09:29

If he's not willing then I'd give him a choice Do it, or manage a solo life as I'd be off, nooo question.

Goldbar · 19/01/2022 09:30

@CeceBerry

A lot of posters are giving the OP really great advice about how to change things......but they are not reading what she has been posting. The ‘D’h doesn’t want to change.

I honestly don’t know how you’re going to fix this - tally up both monthly expenses but will he actually go into his account and tell you how much he’s spent on the bills? Seems like he can’t be arsed. Or as you said start acting like him and say you don’t have money.

I agree. There is nothing you can do if your "D"H doesn't want to change things and take responsibility. Lots of people have suggested lots of good systems, but you'd need both of you to be on board.

In the short-term, stop subsidising him as much as possible. I know some stuff has to be paid for (bills etc.), but you say you pay for 'everything else' so cut all items of discretionary spending related to him... food, takeaways etc.

In the long-term, you're carrying all the mental load and paying more than your share of the bills, which is a very strong position to be in if you decide you're fed up with living with a selfish manchild. I think you'd find that you could easily make the finances work on your own.

FortVictoria · 19/01/2022 09:33

Why don’t you do a straight swap? You pay the mortgage etc and he arranges the groceries, the presents, etc? Might give him a better understanding of the mental load you are carrying.