To have just drained the joint savings account?

[JointAccountBye]

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

OP literally how to people...you...live like this? You are meant to be a partnership 🤦‍♀️🙁

Honestly so much agro about money

We have a joint account
We both pay wages in
We pay all bills from this account
We pay ourselves an allowance that we are free to spend to separate accounts in our own names
We save the rest .

We are married that’s what marriage is about ,

@D0lphine because some people are financially abusive.

There is only Team him.

What is the point of him? Bet you do all the childcare and housework too.

I don't know how people exist like this!
In this house, his money AND my money is our money. One pot. No arguments

Likewise

OP's DH may well not be pulling his weight but not all of us married people use a joint account - 34 years and 4 adult kids in, I still never use the account I share with dh (my name is on 2 but I have no idea of pins etc) and I use my own account for day to day. Amex is the only thing I've ever used that he pays for. Mind you, never changed my name either and have never answered to Mrs and that was a bit out there in the 80s!

OP you need to work it out properly, write it down. He's paying what £525 /month (mortgage plus internet & mobile) and you are paying (as a general guess)

council tax (£150?), gas and electric (£160?), water (30) house insurance (30), pet insurance (15), boiler insurance (20), car finance (180), all shopping (450), everything for our son (50), absolutely anything else (50). I guess all household replacements repairs etc too?

So based on those pretty average costs for a 3 bed semi you're paying £1100 per month, more than double him.

Stick the actual figures under his nose & unless he apologises, refunds you and changes things to be fair immediately- you are with an abusive tosser who needs to be given marching orders.

So if it's his money that pays the mortgage, does he get credit for paying the mortgage and you don't? In the sense that the mortgage payments will be counted toward him and not to you?

I agree that he has been saving a nice little rainy day fund just for himself. As pp said, he is team him. Selfish fucker.

My OH is a bit like this. He pays his share into our joint bills a/c then that’s it his part is done. All days out, clothes, clubs etc is on me. So I’ve just started saying I have no money left. If the kids ask me for something I direct them to their dad. If we’re headed on a day out I make sure he has his wallet before we leave and tell him he’ll have to pay as I have no money. If he asks to borrow my car I tell him no, I have no petrol etc. If I pop to shop for essentials and he asked me to pick up coke/snacks/lunch. I’ll say ‘sure give me the money and I’ll get it’.

Ok maybe that’s not a long term solution, but I would sit down and work out exactly how much each of you are spending (including essentials for DC) and rework out the division of bills. Sounds like he needs at least the council tax transferred over to his account. (I think it’s ok to have separate accounts, as long as you have equal spending money leftover).

You need a proper conversation with him about this and a fairer system.

DP and I don't have kids, but we do have a couple of join accounts. We earn similar amounts so we each contribute the same amount in every month. One account is for grocery shopping, the other is for direct debits (power, water, insurance etc). For the latter we calculated how much these costs average out at for the year plus a small buffer, so we knew how much to put in each month.

Why don’t you go through your bank statements for the last three months and list everything you have spent on bills, food and your child etc

Then list what he covers

Then provide him with the evidence that actually he isn’t paying his fair share and he gives xx to you on payday, in addition to what he does now for nursery to make it equal

I agree with you holding the savings in your name if only you have saved

I would also provide him with a sheet of paper detailing the extras he needs to cover in various months, so your child’s birthday, your birthday, his family birthdays, Christmas etc then he can cover some of those costs

I'm so glad my engagement never ended with me walking up the aisle.

I ploughed a lot of money into a joint savings account from an investment but the day we split I cleared the lot.

My ex tried his hardest to take me for half but because we weren't married there wasn't a lot he could do.

Worst case scenario your DH could be entitled to half of your savings if your marriage didn't work out in future.

OP I'd drain the account if I were you and put it in trust of someone you can rely on. You might need it one day. Don't feel bad in doing so - it's your money after all.

Start afresh with your DH and split finances more fairly.

I'll never share finances with a partner again, married or not. Except for household bills & utilities.

Let's say that you had no financial problems between you, is everything else good in the relationship on the whole? I guess I'm asking is there any point going to the trouble of solving this problem if ultimately the relationship is on the rocks anyway?

@Unsure33

Honestly so much agro about money

We have a joint account
We both pay wages in
We pay all bills from this account
We pay ourselves an allowance that we are free to spend to separate accounts in our own names
We save the rest .

We are married that’s what marriage is about ,

You could tell the ops dh that. He is the one who has no interest in being part of a team here.

I think you need to take the time and pull together your spending by month for the last three months or so.

120 aldi
45 kids clothes
15 takeaway
145 childcare
23 petrol

Etc etc. then add it up by month and compare it to his direct debits. How he reacts is going to tell you a lot.

You should both have equal spending money.

I used to have a husband like that, OP. I put £300 into our 'joint' account every month and he took it out. So I did what you did, and he became an ex husband.

So many saying "You shoud....."

She has tried!

He doesnt want to (its too difficult) because it serves him better that the OP pays for pactically fucking everything.

Again, its the woman that should solve the problem of the cocklodger. How about saying that he should pay his half instead of telling the OP how she should fix this for him?!

Can someone explain to me why married people have "his money" and "her money"

We'd be so busy trying to make sure the other person got a fair share we'd never spend anything on ourselves separately. And buying each other gifts would be no fun.

OP's situation on the other hand seems to be bordering on financial abuse. Have you told him in no uncertain terms that you are ending up paying for a lot more than he is and it's unfair? "DH, we earn the same, you are paying £500 a month towards family expenses, I am paying £1000" or whatever it is.

If you can be bothered with him at all any more, can you baby him through transferring direct debits and setting up a standing order to the joint account? And getting a new bank card and PIN number FFS. Does he never go out without you?

If I was you I would do the joint account thing unilaterally whatever. If you make sure all family spending and only family spending comes out of the joint account you'll be able to show him exactly how much it is. All those little things that add up, the meal out, the petrol, the plumber.

If he's lazy and incompetent he needs to step up and sort his act out. If he's deliberately exploiting you, I'm sorry but I think you'd be better to know for sure.

I cannot understand how anyone accepts a situation like this. It is pure shit. You have set up things and he doesnt get round to it ... I would not get round to buying him food and just insist it got sorted out. Either that or leave him as I couldnt stand this situation. It is just putting all the responsibility for everything on you.

How does he spend his money if he doesn’t have a bank card?

Go back over the last 6 months and work out what you paid for and what he paid for - boring I know - and then SHOW him this is unarguable proof. Tell him this isn't working or fair (if this is the case) and tell him to set up a standing order to the joint account to equalize it. If he won't (sounds like a marriage problem not a finance problem) then say you are going to stop too up to the same amount. He's got on reason to change the cozy situation unless you put your foot down.

Having said that, we have always just pooled everything - what's mine is yours

Whose name are the bills in? Hopefully you set them up as joint accounts

@JuneOsborne

Swap what you pay for. If he thinks what he's doing is fair and even, he can swap, he won't mind.

You are a genius