To have just drained the joint savings account?

[JointAccountBye]

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

@Isaw3ships

We have our own accts that salary goes into, and separate savings and then a joint acct. we both pay into the joint acct, proportional to our incomes and everything to do with mortgage, house, bills, kids, holidays, shared expenses comes out of that. We then have our own ££ for personal spends. Maybe you should look at doing that rather than having one pay for the mortgage etc

This is the way we do it and our workings out are also designed to ensure we have the same disposable income each, even though DH earns more.

He's in that position because I put my career on the back seat to care for our DC, his field wouldn't support that.

My career actually has the greater earning potential so now the DC are older it will all be swapped over once I find my next role.

@JointAccountBye I can't see that you've said whether the mortgage is in joint names.

If it is, phone the bank and ask them to move the Direct Debit over to your account. Then tell him the mortgage no longer comes out of his account so he can transfer the £450/mth to you for other bills/shopping/anything else. He can manage to transfer his half of the nursery fees over to you, so it's no extra effort on his part to simply add £450 to that amount.

If it isn't, get yourself a good solicitor and leave him before he has an opportunity to leave you skint and homeless.

I Always renegotiate when the bills increase or pay rises are given! Annual review of everything.

The husband forgot his pin and so doesn’t use his debit card ever.
He did not want to change his few direct debits to their joint account.
He does not want want to contribute to their child’s present as he claims he no money left.

No amount of pleading, begging, financial planning is going to make him change his ways. As other have said you need to take action. Stop paying for the extras like dinners out, takeaways, treats. Or at least stop paying for him.

I am petty but if we were going out for dinner, I would tell him beforehand that I would be splitting and paying for only my part of the bill. Or show him you’re taking just enough cash for yourself and leave your card at home.

To be honest, this His and Her money gives me the ick, There should be one single household income

And here, I thought we had moved on from the 1950s.

My money is my money. We share a joint account for household bills and savings, but what I spend beyond that is up to me. I’m not having to explain to my husband what I bought on Amazon this week. I have my own savings account for if anything happens, and I could walk away happy that my and my daughter’s future is secure if I needed to. Why on earth would I tie myself financially to someone else when nobody knows what can happen down the road? How many times do women on here find themselves in a situation where they can’t walk away. Anyone who can build up their own account and chooses not to is putting themselves at risk.

[quote FrazzledMCPremenopausalWoman]@JointAccountBye I can't see that you've said whether the mortgage is in joint names.

If it is, phone the bank and ask them to move the Direct Debit over to your account. Then tell him the mortgage no longer comes out of his account so he can transfer the £450/mth to you for other bills/shopping/anything else. He can manage to transfer his half of the nursery fees over to you, so it's no extra effort on his part to simply add £450 to that amount.

If it isn't, get yourself a good solicitor and leave him before he has an opportunity to leave you skint and homeless.[/quote]
How does this help the OP? It doesn’t result in her DH paying anymore towards household expenses and it leaves her with more responsibility for managing finances and budget, not less.

That sounds really sad. Can’t you just have a joint account? And if there’s anything leftover at the end of the month put into the savings pot.

In our house I earn the least so DH pays the household contributions and I pay for anything to do with the kids clubs, music lessons or school things. I also add to ISA for the kids and do Christmas, birthdays etc although he also does contribute to this. I manage any holidays or days out.Pay for my own car etc. He earns 9x what I do. After the odd spend, I save the rest in my own account but I consider it shared. We have separate accounts. Always have. Even though he earns more he was silly with money when younger so just kept the accounts I always had. It works for us at the mo. Happily transfer to him and him to me.

Not sure if this has already been suggested as I haven't read all of the posts but I would seriously think about doing this differently.
Say your total outgoings are 1k, you both put £500 into an account and have all the direct debits set up for bills and mortgage. It's completely down the middle and god forbid if there's any issues with him saying "it's ME that pays the mortgage" it's all in black and white that you both do. If during the month you need more, you both put in an equal amount.

He's def taking the piss. Sit down with him. Show him what you're paying and what he is. Get him to contribute more. If that doesn't work, then I'm afraid your relationship is going to be very difficult. Sending you a hug x

I wonder if your partner was the guy in my local town today kicking the hell out of the ATM and shouting obscenities!
I so hope so

I will never understand why people in a committed relationship have separate bank accounts. I say go for it! All the best.

I think it sounds like you have two jobs. The running of the household as well as a job. He should be paying you more imo just for the fact you sort everything out. I don’t know what happened to all the chivalrous men out there who would want to PROVIDE. Things have moved on in that we work just as hard as them outside the home, yet sadly they haven’t ( I can’t say all of them- but I’m Asian and sadly in my community anyway) taken it upon themselves to chip in a bit more within the home . Yet financially all I ever hear is 50/50! It drives me mad!!!!

Who earns more?

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
This is, of course, bollocks

Tell him he needs to set up a standing order to you to chip in with food, child costs, annual costs towards Christmas and birthdays etc.

Tell him he needs to agree to a percentage going into a fund that is for emergencies/holidays etc.

If he can’t or won’t do this… then what use is he?

You’d have less expenses if he left.
Less food costs. 25% discount on council tax. Access to further financial assistance. Less stress.

He pays more to you so you can continue meeting the additional costs of two adults life’s. Or he leaves. He isn’t going to get better on his own.

YANBU

at all.

I am raging on your behalf!
Question - what happened when you went on mat leave? Were you still paying for everything then? Just trying to ascertain what time of man you have got yourself in tow with!
Go through your bank statements for the last 3 months and put down all your bills paid plus the rest. Then show him what he has contributed. It will be so unequal it will shock him. Either he will sort the situation or you will realise he is a complete selfish toad and you can dump his sorry ass as it will make no odds to you as you are already paying for everything AND still managing to save.
Also consider whether he has a gambling problem - not having any money/refusing to engage financially/ every excuse under the sun for not making a logical financial decision like changing bank accounts is a classic sign.
Feel for you - just had the same conversation over birthday and Christmas contributions with childrens father. Some men are just dickheads and should be treated accordingly where shock and awe tactics don't work. Good luck 🍀

This sounds barmy and so unhealthy!
He has no pin for his card?! He just expects you to pay for everything?
I propose:

• new joint bank acc. Both of you transfer half the mortgage payment, any dd payments and all other small payments to that from your personal accounts each month. Work out your average food spend and put half that in too.

That way, he cant refuse to pay anything else as what is joint has been split.
I have to say, i couldn't live like that especially with a baby. We share an account and don't forensically monitor each other's spending. It sounds exhausting.
You must sort something out as it feels likr he is taking advantage of you.
Make him get a pin for his card. Or 'lose' yours!

I find this very strange
If you are trying to split the bills why not just have a joint account where the mortgage and nursery bills and food etc come out of.. with a monthly direct debit?
Anything leftover can go into the joint savings account

Better for you both to have your salaries paid into a joint current account and take all family expenses from there. Money left over an agreed amount can subsequently be transferred to separate savings accounts if you don’t want joint savings, or a mix of joint savings and separate accounts, the amount taken out of the joint current account by each of you for this by mutual agreement. The alternative is actually having bugger all idea of each other’s earnings or the real cost of running a household, both massive failings whether you stay together forever or separate.

Please add up ALL your direct debits and total them.

Then go back over the last 12 months and add up additional costs like clothes for ds, activities for him, repairs, car costs, petrol, etc etc. Basically everything else that you've forked out for in the last year that should have been a shared bill. Divide it by 12 as an average you've spent every month that he should have contributed to.

Are you married?
Are you on the mortgage?

The mental load thing - to me the main thing with this issue is it shows an underlying level of misogyny and a huge lack of general respect for you. Not what you want from someone you share a child with.

Also - I'm confused. You say he can't buy stuff as no bank card. But also say he spends in random stuff. How is he doing that with no bank card??

@Freecuthbert

In our house, every bit of income from both of us goes into one pot, which is then split into various pots including fair and equal spending money for each of us. There is a card for joint household purchases, food shopping, anything for our child etc. I don't understand being married and operating your finances in a way where you have to ask for a share of money towards this and that and for just the one partner to put money into joint savings while the other presumably spends all money on himself as he sees fit. YABU for putting up with this for so long, but YANBU for taking action now.

We do this. He earns FAR more than me, but also has debt to pay off from "before". EVERYTHING goes in one pot, then everything comes out of there too, we both have access to the accounts. We each then have a standing order back into our individual accounts (for the same amount as each other) which is ours to spend however we choose: clothes, lunches, nights out, coffee's, birthdays. Works well. & no, I don't think YABU, but I think a conversation instead of passive aggressive actions would help (although I can absolutely see why you'd want to try and see make him see where you're coming from and I'd probably have done the same thing a few years ago!)

@BoredZelda

To be honest, this His and Her money gives me the ick, There should be one single household income

And here, I thought we had moved on from the 1950s.

My money is my money. We share a joint account for household bills and savings, but what I spend beyond that is up to me. I’m not having to explain to my husband what I bought on Amazon this week. I have my own savings account for if anything happens, and I could walk away happy that my and my daughter’s future is secure if I needed to. Why on earth would I tie myself financially to someone else when nobody knows what can happen down the road? How many times do women on here find themselves in a situation where they can’t walk away. Anyone who can build up their own account and chooses not to is putting themselves at risk.

This is what everyone should have. My husband and I have a joint current account and a joint savings account. We each contribute the same percentage of our take home pay into each account. This helps as sometimes he's earned more and sometimes I've earned more. Every single household bill and kids bill comes from the joint account. And some joint savings as well comes from the joint current account (if there is any money left unspent at the end of a month).

The balance is left in our personal accounts to do as we see fit. I save some into my personal savings and he does the same. The rest of the money is to spend however we please. If we have a big household expense that the joint account cannot cater to, like a big holiday, we each contribute half of the amount. Extra unexpected household expenses are also paid from the joint as we tend to fund it over the usual amount needed.

I think this way, a couple can do things jointly but also have the independence and freedom to spend their money on whatever they wish and how they wish without any questions.

My money is my money. We share a joint account for household bills and savings, but what I spend beyond that is up to me. I’m not having to explain to my husband what I bought on Amazon this week.

We both manage to buy things from Amazon, or elsewhere, from our joint account without feeling we need to account to each other for every penny. We have a similar attitude to money, so we both know that the other would not spend large sums on just themselves without checking it out first.

I have my own savings account for if anything happens, and I could walk away happy that my and my daughter’s future is secure if I needed to. Why on earth would I tie myself financially to someone else when no-one knows what might happen down the road?

I think you’ll find you did that when you got married.

If you did walk away, your DH could potentially go after whatever is in your account, as you could potentially go after any sole savings he’s got. That’s the law.