To have just drained the joint savings account?

[JointAccountBye]

Had an argument with DH this evening about money.

We have separate accounts and a joint savings account. I don't feel he contributes enough to the household, he thinks he does.

The joint savings account only I ever pay into. Literally I think he's paid about £30 into it our entire marriage.

However whenever I say we need to pay for X can you send me X for it he'll say "you've got money in the savings account" rather than just contribute himself.

It pisses me off because I guess I see the money in the savings account as mine considering I'm the only one who pays into it so using it just feels like me basically paying for everything still.

So tonight I've drained it. I've put it all in a savings account in my name only and when he says use the savings I'm going to tell him there's none left.

He'll be pissed I'm sure as we were saving up for some stuff but I'm sick of it.

I think you're probably unreasonable to have drained it rather than, sitting down reasonably and proving that the ingoings and out goings of the house are unequal. You say you think you pay more he thinks he pays more. Get the actual bills/expenses and actually prove your point. Then say regardless dear I'm not happy with how we are dealing with money right now we need to come up with a solution together. What you've actually done is have an argument then a kneejerk reaction of draining and renaming an account with the idea that you'll 'just tell him it's empty' next time something comes up. When something does come up you are definitely going to be the one paying because you absolutely have that spare money squirreled away in your name. Not only that you're going to have another row about how and why that's the case. This man is your partner and as much as he's being a pain you both deserve honesty especially when it comes to money because it does nothing but cause arguments and suspicion. If this is the way it's always been and it's only now you are finally bringing in it up because you feel it's unjust - this is the first he's hearing of it and in his mind it's all been ticking along nicely why is she all of a sudden making a fuss.
So get him sat down get all the evidence you need to prove your point and have an honest adult conversation, because otherwise I can see you needing that money an awful lot sooner than you thought when you have a massive row over finance's and one of you storms off 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you need to sit down and set out all your bills and for one month keep all your receipts to calculate how much your actually paying out.

If you both earn the same surely it makes sense to split everything evenly and then anything left over is split between you both to share out. This way you treat savings as a bill and you don't feel like your the scape goat for everything!

100%

If he feels he is paying more than you, offer to swap - you just pay the mortgage , internet and phone bill and he can do all the rest like you have been doing. A reluctance on his part to do this will show that he recognizes he is paying less but doesn't really care

[quote Conspiracyornotr]@JointAccountBye men don't think like us women do we think ahead they just happy when they got what need and want and.not bothered about house bills.or food. X[/quote]
Thank goodness this is sexist nonsense otherwise how on earth would gay couples cope without a woman to plan their lives

Make him use a joint account, all he needs to do is tell his employer and the 2 companies. That’s not going to take long, just do it for him if needs be

How much are you talking about? £500? £5000?

Open a new account in your name only and direct the savings there. It won’t take long before you have drained the other account and then where will he be.
Keep records of everything you pay for and after 3 months have another discussion. If he can’t be swayed you have a big problem in the future.

I used to be in a similar situation, we earned approx the same but he also had some private work he did on the side and didn't declare, so he actually had almost half again.
We had our separate accounts and a bills account but he only paid approx 1/3 and I paid the other 2/3 of all the household bills, purely because he wouldn't have things like childcare, food, petrol connected with the bills account. I always paid for the food and childcare, we filled our own cars but if ever we went anywhere together, he would insist on us using my car and my petrol.
Fortunately, I came to my senses about 14yrs ago and now all my bills are mine but I have no-one to argue over them with, life may be more expensive for me but it's sooo much better.

I always find these threads bizarre. Me and husband have a one joint account since we were 18. Anything we have both earned over the course of marriage is ours regardless of who ‘earns’ it.

@Tigger1895

Open a new account in your name only and direct the savings there. It won’t take long before you have drained the other account and then where will he be. Keep records of everything you pay for and after 3 months have another discussion. If he can’t be swayed you have a big problem in the future.

The savings that are joint and paid from the op’s equal contribution? So you’re saying she takes those and therefore contributes less than her share?

People don't ever "not realise" they're not paying their way. They know full well they're taking advantage of the very person they're supposed to care about.

Think about that. It sounds like sadly you've married my exH and if so, you'd be better looking whether long term you'd rather be with someone who doesn't think it's ok to take advantage of you.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea

OP you need to work it out properly, write it down. He's paying what £525 /month (mortgage plus internet & mobile) and you are paying (as a general guess)

council tax (£150?), gas and electric (£160?), water (30) house insurance (30), pet insurance (15), boiler insurance (20), car finance (180), all shopping (450), everything for our son (50), absolutely anything else (50). I guess all household replacements repairs etc too?

So based on those pretty average costs for a 3 bed semi you're paying £1100 per month, more than double him.

Stick the actual figures under his nose & unless he apologises, refunds you and changes things to be fair immediately- you are with an abusive tosser who needs to be given marching orders.

This

If he won't open a joint account and pay his salary into it, just swap. You pay the mortgage and the few direct debits. Then organise everything else, all the insurances, car finance, council tax etc to come out of his.

I doubt the OP is coming back to this thread.

YANBU

I had this in my first marriage, my ex was terrible with money. Second time around and we keep finances separate, we share the household exactly like you ie my husband pays mortgage and home insurance and I pay everything else. We keep pensions and savings separate. Now I’m reality, I probably do pay more of the big things ie big holidays, furniture but it’s manageable and I still have more savings.

My advice, keep splitting the household stuff, create and manage your own savings and decide how you will pay for the big things.

You need to sit down and work out how much your monthly outgoings are and add a bit extra and you both put 50:50 in a separate account joint account. Then switch all the direct debits to this account.

Then set up a credit card like John Lewis (you get vouchers quarterly) any little extras that you need to buy comes out of here and is paid by a direct debit from your new joint current account.
Then it’s up to you to have separate savings accounts …

In marriage if you split it will be 50/50. There is no way around this. I was married for 17 years and had to give over half of an inheritance I received just months before we split up. Honestly, you are better off just having a joint account put all of it in there and have an agreed allowance each for individual stuff each pay day. It will make no difference in the long run.

I don't really understand separate finances anyway in a relationship.

My view is that you need to sit down and have a very honest conversation. He needs to get all those DD and mortgage payments so you can see what he is paying out every month. He needs to then put this amount of money into the joint account (which currently isn’t a joint account because he doesn’t pay into it). You then match this payment and then you can both put any ‘left over’ into personal accounts.

Or you could just both pay your salaries into the same account! I have to say, however, I wish I had not done this when I was married as ex took it as carte blanche to spend whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, from the account even though he paid sod all into it!

YABU, I’d have left his £30 in there.

If he really won't agree to contributing his fair share to the joint account, so he's contributing to all bills and expenses, I'd seriously consider the future of the relationship. He's massively taking advantage of you.

Good for you!

You need to sort this situation out for the sake of your marriage or it will fail. If you love each other and are committed to each other then you have to share your incomes by having them both paid into a joint account (no biggie anyway if you earn the same) and all outgoing are paid from this account. You cab direct debit the same amount each month into your own accounts for your own personal spending, and also perhaps an amount into a savings account.

If you don't do this I'd suggest your marriage is, frankly, in name only.

@D0lphine

Can someone explain to me why married people have "his money" and "her money" (or "his money" and "his money" etc.)

You're MARRIED.

Being married means you own all assets and money together. You're one financial unit. That's what being married sodding well means! It's a contract between two people to share all their assets.

Do people just think it will be fun to wear white and get pissed for a day? Ffs!

Why oh why do people not get both salaries paid into one joint current account. Then all the bills get paid from there. Then the remainder is budgeted in a way that both spouses agree on.

God, this. The law understands what marriage means, so it shouldn't be beyond the wit of reasonably intelligent individuals.