DP is tight with money

[csm93]

Grrr! I just need a place to vent.
My boyf is so stingey when it comes to money. He will chase me for my share of £ when he has bought something for the house (that we both live in), yet whenever I buy something for the house he is never in a rush to contribute his share.
He insists that we always split the bill 50:50 when we go out for a meal (don't get me wrong I'm not expecting to have everything paid for me, and I like to treat him too, but sometimes before we've even left for the meal he will say things like "we're going halves on this, yeah?" - which just kills the mood a little for me)

Sometimes when I have to work a late shift I will surprise him by sending some money to his account with a little "treat yourself x" note, nothing wild, but just so that his takeaway of choice is on me. It makes me feel good to treat others every now and then.

I've had a long, difficult day at work today (NHS) and he told me to stop by McDonalds or something on my way home to treat myself.... I've told him I can't really justify spending that money tonight because I've spent a lot on fuel and car bills (MOT) this month. Until I get paid next week I'm having to live very frugally. I told him this, to which he replied "ok just have a sandwich when you get in" - and here I am eating a cheese sandwich for my dinner.
I guess I just feel a bit like ??? could he not have sent me £10 to get this McDonalds that he so desperately wanted me to treat myself to?
He has a well paying job in a good industry. For context he is absolutely fine for money, and has recently received a significant ££ sum of inheritance.

aibu? His attitude towards money is starting to bother me.

He seems stingy, but it does seem weird to me that some months you put money in his account so he can get a takeaway and then you're totally skint other months. Regardless of what happens to your relationship, you need to start making some savings- even the £10-20 a month that you're currently giving to your DP would be a good start.

Please don't drip feed that you're pregnant, as so often happens on these depressing threads. Just finish it. A mean and selfish man is no catch. You can do so much better.

Hang on a minute. You sound really passive aggressive.

It’s totally up to you if you want to send him money for a crappy Maccy D’s, but then you expect him to do the same without even mentioning it?

Maybe he thinks it is a present. Christ, I’m glad I’m miles away from that.

He'll never change, he'll get worse with time.

@csm93 what did you decide?

He's a selfish user, bet he is selfish in other ways too.

Blimey, why the hell are you sending him treat money? I bet he never sends you any so stop that right away.

He's a tightwad and they very rarely change. You need to consider options here.

My dad (Scottish ) has a great expression. "I'm careful, not mean". Which means he doesn't buy himself expensive things when a cheap one will do. He will buy second hand etc. But when we go out, we fight to pay the bill.

I couldn't live with someone like that. He won't get any better - tight people always get worse.

And stop giving him treat money, ffs! That's something you'd do for your child, not a well paid, stingy partner.

Well he’s not going to change. Is this really how you want your life to be? Fast forward a few years you are on maternity leave minding his baby but he’s expecting you to pay 50% to everything. Child grows up needs childcare - he expects you to pay. Child needs clothes, shoes, hobbies - he disagrees or forgets to pay. You can’t afford to go anywhere or do anything. It’s a crap way to live.
The treating to junk food and transferring money sounds odd. I’d be annoyed he hadn’t made my tea after a long shift at work when he was home. Why did you make a sandwich?! Surely he’d have cooked for himself and left you some to microwave. If he doesn’t cook for you why not.
Hopefully house is joint names you sell and get 50% of any equity and move on. If it’s his house and you’ve been daft and contributed to his asset with no legal right to it then time to get clued up - good guide on CAB re unmarried rights.

@blessings2022

tight with money tight with love as my grandma use to say! Personally I couldn't put up with that. Tightness is such a turnoff

Totally agree with this. I had an ex like this and it really started to grate.

It's not about the money, it's about the selfish attitude, grabbiness and stinginess.

What does he do for Birthdays and Christmas?

It’s not attractive. What is good about him ?

What did he have for dinner??

The ‘treat yourself’ sent with a tenner is weird - and while you do it, it clearly doesn’t occur to him to do it.

But why didn’t he just ensure there was enough of what he was having for you? I really don’t get that.

He’s never going to change. Accept it or leave.

He should want to take care of you. You finished a demanding shift in the middle of a pandemic so he could have run a bath and put something together for tea. Or paid to treat you.

If you lived alone you would have prepped something for nights like these.

I would stop with the half of anything from now on. You will have to stop yourself wanting to treat him, buying stuff thinking he will go half, bin date nights. Save your money and then I would leave.

This will not get better.

My ex was like this, quite the taker but stingy and mean with everyone. He wasn’t in the beginning however when he was reeling me in and I thought he was just careful with money. Like you, he’d conditioned me to treat him and accept crumbs from him. Awful man, I’m so glad I dumped his cheap nasty ass.

I have the opposite problem if I buy anything for the house my partner wants to pay me back all of it!

She also does the same if we’re out she always wants to pay.

It’s not as if I don’t earn a good wage “probably about 50% more than her” and have no real outgoings so have money swilling around doing nothing. So spending £10 on shopping, £50 on DIY stuff or even a few grand on a car wouldn’t make me skint.

She tells me to save for a rainy day but don’t see the point. I’ve had to many of my friends die to worry about the future that much. All I know is that I don’t want to be the richest dead guy in the cemetery.

Just infuriates me sometimes.

Why do these OPs never return to their thread?

Why are you transferring money to this man for half the things he buys without consulting you first. He doesnt offer you half of what your purchase but assume you dont ask him either.

Its time for a change I am afraid

@Ellavoday

Why do these OPs never return to their thread?

They come on, outline something shit about their partner, everyone agrees it really is shit, and so they disappear into the ether because they can’t defend it.

Yuck. Run for the hills. Such an unattractive trait in anyone, let alone a partner.

What are his good points ?

My first boyfriend was like this. Whenever we went out for dinner, not only would he work out my half of the bill exactly but he'd add a bit more onto my half if he'd driven, to cover the petrol.
One time I was cooking us dinner at my house and I realised I needed a red pepper. I asked him to run to the shop and grab one, which he was happy to do, until I realised I didn't have any cash on me, so he would've had to pay the 79p or whatever. (I was living on my student loan at the time and he had a full time job.). He went mad at me, saying if was providing the dinner I should provide the ingredients.

One time we went to Australia together, as my brother lives there, and on the way home had a few days in Malaysia. I cried on the first morning in Malaysia because I was jetlagged and had just said goodbye to my brother for at least 2 years.
He popped into a shop to get me some tissues and said "they were 50 Ringt (can't remember exact amount but it was about 10p) just give me the money whenever."

Couldn't believe it when we finally broke up and future boyfriends were happy to pay the whole bill for dinner or shell out for a red pepper.

@Allsorts1

My fanny has shriveled up reading that! I’d start complaining about this as a first step and then if no changes I would LTB!!

Lol this comment had me snorting with laughter. So true though. I doubt he will change. He is showing OP who he really is.

I'm sorry but leave him. You can do better. It won't get any better in the future, and life will be miserable when you have kids or get married etc. Call me old fashioned but I believe in a man treating and spoiling the woman he supposedly loves. Spoiling doesn't always have to be financial it can be things like running you a hot bath, or cooking for you etc. date nights. But it sounds like he's not doing shit. Dump him, raise your self-worth and your self-love. A man who loves will court you/spoil you. I've personally never gone 50/50 with a man, that's what I'd do with a friend/ roommate not my MAN. I know not everyone is comfortable with this but he should ATLEAST be treating or spoiling you in some way. Leave him and level up.