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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP is tight with money

107 replies

csm93 · 18/01/2022 19:06

Grrr! I just need a place to vent.
My boyf is so stingey when it comes to money. He will chase me for my share of £ when he has bought something for the house (that we both live in), yet whenever I buy something for the house he is never in a rush to contribute his share.
He insists that we always split the bill 50:50 when we go out for a meal (don't get me wrong I'm not expecting to have everything paid for me, and I like to treat him too, but sometimes before we've even left for the meal he will say things like "we're going halves on this, yeah?" - which just kills the mood a little for me)

Sometimes when I have to work a late shift I will surprise him by sending some money to his account with a little "treat yourself x" note, nothing wild, but just so that his takeaway of choice is on me. It makes me feel good to treat others every now and then.

I've had a long, difficult day at work today (NHS) and he told me to stop by McDonalds or something on my way home to treat myself.... I've told him I can't really justify spending that money tonight because I've spent a lot on fuel and car bills (MOT) this month. Until I get paid next week I'm having to live very frugally. I told him this, to which he replied "ok just have a sandwich when you get in" - and here I am eating a cheese sandwich for my dinner.
I guess I just feel a bit like ??? could he not have sent me £10 to get this McDonalds that he so desperately wanted me to treat myself to?
He has a well paying job in a good industry. For context he is absolutely fine for money, and has recently received a significant ££ sum of inheritance.

aibu? His attitude towards money is starting to bother me.

OP posts:
Rewis · 18/01/2022 19:38

Have you ever talked about this?

Freecuthbert · 18/01/2022 19:40

And yeah if you had children with him I can just imagine what he'd been like from other threads I've read. Analyzing every little penny you've spent and expecting you to still pay 50/50 despite being on maternity leave.

Yep, totally this. As I said in my previous post, my dad was like this to such an extreme. And I can confidently say the children in these situations do suffer as I was one of them and it affected me so much. So I think as well OP you need to consider if you want children in the future with him and how this could play out. Obviously my dad was a lot worse than what you describe, but my dad was just a bit tight when he met my mum and it got worse over the years until he was full on financially abusing her. So it's a trait I find quite unsettling in people. And there's a difference between being frugal and sensible with money, and being a penny pincher.

bluedomino · 18/01/2022 19:41

Do not ever have children with a stingy man. If he's miserly now, after children they become resentful of the associated expense of a child and more so should you reduce your hours. You will end up in a financially abusive relationship. Please leave him. Some people are just not made to be in relationships and misers should never be in a partnership as they can't share. His only love is money.

EverNapping · 18/01/2022 19:42

Three step plan

  1. Stop giving him any money that isn't sharing, no have done money for a treat.
  1. Start insisting on his share immediately the way he does
  1. Leave.
Comedycook · 18/01/2022 19:43

Ditch him... meanness is such an unattractive trait.

Oh and don't have a baby with him. You'll have a bloody miserable maternity leave where he will probably insist you still pay half of everything

phishy · 18/01/2022 19:46

The clincher is he is happy accepting treat money from you and never offering his contribution to the things you buy for the house.

It shows selfishness as well as well as miserliness.

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/01/2022 19:47

It's so weird to transfer him money for a treat. SO WEIRD. Like he has conditioned you or something...

I would not stay in a relationship with him.

I would not move in or buy a house and I would 100% NEVER have children with him unless you want a life of misery.

billy1966 · 18/01/2022 19:53

He sounds so awful.

Kindly OP, but you have very low standards that this is acceptable to you.

You are certainly not with someone who genuinely cares about you from the behaviour you describe.

Your choices are dump him and work on upping your standards or have an absolutely miserable life with a mean man.

Your move.Flowers

sanbeiji · 18/01/2022 19:55

@phishy

The clincher is he is happy accepting treat money from you and never offering his contribution to the things you buy for the house.

It shows selfishness as well as well as miserliness.

This.

Also

Can you honestly feel safe and secure with someone happy to squeeze for everything in the name of 'fairness', with zero care or compassion?

Shoxfordian · 18/01/2022 19:56

He sounds uncaring and lack of generosity would be a dealbreaker for me

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 18/01/2022 20:01

Bin this twat

Lennybenny · 18/01/2022 20:04

Errr. Does he ask you for the treat money? You put money in his account like a parent does. Do you show off that you have extra money? Does he have debts that make him cautious with his spending money?
Everyone else is saying ditch him when I'm saying he should be watching out for you. Just because you spend it all doesn't mean he has to. I bet you buy stuff for the house and he doesn't know about it but because you have the money you assume he will pay half and actually he doesn't want it or its a lot of money....which he doesn't have.

godmum56 · 18/01/2022 20:04

the only thing I don't get is why his attitude is only "starting" to get to you and why you EVER tolerated it?

Dillydollydingdong · 18/01/2022 20:05

So you should have a takeaway so long as you pay for it?Shock

EverNapping · 18/01/2022 20:07

@Lennybenny

Errr. Does he ask you for the treat money? You put money in his account like a parent does. Do you show off that you have extra money? Does he have debts that make him cautious with his spending money? Everyone else is saying ditch him when I'm saying he should be watching out for you. Just because you spend it all doesn't mean he has to. I bet you buy stuff for the house and he doesn't know about it but because you have the money you assume he will pay half and actually he doesn't want it or its a lot of money....which he doesn't have.
True, very true
Ancientdreams · 18/01/2022 20:08

I also think it’s weird that you put money in his account for a takeaway when you live together, he earns good money, he has inherited £ and you are too broke to get a McDonald’s.

Anyway he does sound tight.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/01/2022 20:09

"His attitude towards money is starting to bother me."

As it should!

I'm hoping that as you call him 'boyfriend' rather than 'partner' you've not been together too long and have no children. My advice would be - cut your losses and exit this relationship.

Miserliness is not a personality trait that ever changes. They might just about be able to stop verbalising it (he will say things like "we're going halves on this, yeah?") but they will never - NEVER - stop thinking it. They run spreadsheets in their head, keeping count of whether you are in credit or debit to them and sulking if you have 'underpaid'. Every penny is tracked. Perfectly happy for you to be in credit though - accepting his treats from you.

Seriously - this is him. He will always be like this. Don't you want better than that for your life?

PearPickingPorky · 18/01/2022 20:15

@phishy

The clincher is he is happy accepting treat money from you and never offering his contribution to the things you buy for the house.

It shows selfishness as well as well as miserliness.

Yep. He isn't willing to share a single penny of his money with you, counting every penny that of your contribution to everything, yet when it's the other way around he's happy to take more of your money than he's "due", and never reciprocate.

He's not on your team, OP. He's on his own team.

And let me guess, he earns a lot more than you?

The women saying that you'll be paying 50% of everything even when you're on mat leave are absolutely correct.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/01/2022 20:16

He is never going to change. Cut loose and run.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2022 20:22

First, never reproduce with this Prince.

Secondly, seriously, double up on birth control.

But I'd leave. I can't stand a miser.

TooMuchPaper · 18/01/2022 20:25

You don't mention any children so that's good (presumably you don't have any with him). Hopefully you don't own a house with him either.
That makes it easy to walk away.

Therealrealitystar · 18/01/2022 20:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Mydogmylife · 18/01/2022 20:26

It's not just the meanness with money that would bother me , it's the meanness of spirit - think hard before you get any further down the road with this one

TinDogTavern · 18/01/2022 20:28

@EverNapping

Three step plan
  1. Stop giving him any money that isn't sharing, no have done money for a treat.
  1. Start insisting on his share immediately the way he does
  1. Leave.
I'd skip the first two steps tbh.
stupendousfragmentariness · 18/01/2022 20:28

It's the worst trait. And the most deeply unsexy.

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