DP is tight with money

[csm93]

Grrr! I just need a place to vent.
My boyf is so stingey when it comes to money. He will chase me for my share of £ when he has bought something for the house (that we both live in), yet whenever I buy something for the house he is never in a rush to contribute his share.
He insists that we always split the bill 50:50 when we go out for a meal (don't get me wrong I'm not expecting to have everything paid for me, and I like to treat him too, but sometimes before we've even left for the meal he will say things like "we're going halves on this, yeah?" - which just kills the mood a little for me)

Sometimes when I have to work a late shift I will surprise him by sending some money to his account with a little "treat yourself x" note, nothing wild, but just so that his takeaway of choice is on me. It makes me feel good to treat others every now and then.

I've had a long, difficult day at work today (NHS) and he told me to stop by McDonalds or something on my way home to treat myself.... I've told him I can't really justify spending that money tonight because I've spent a lot on fuel and car bills (MOT) this month. Until I get paid next week I'm having to live very frugally. I told him this, to which he replied "ok just have a sandwich when you get in" - and here I am eating a cheese sandwich for my dinner.
I guess I just feel a bit like ??? could he not have sent me £10 to get this McDonalds that he so desperately wanted me to treat myself to?
He has a well paying job in a good industry. For context he is absolutely fine for money, and has recently received a significant ££ sum of inheritance.

aibu? His attitude towards money is starting to bother me.

I couldn't be with someone like this. It's a deeply unattractive trait.

Yes he’s very tight, and it’s extremely unattractive

I agree with pps. Your options are to behave in the same way - no more treating him to takeaways as he doesn’t treat you, and you ask him for half immediately in the same way he asks you. It’s a miserable way to live, but at least he won’t take advantage. You could probably have had that Mac D’s if you hadn’t treated him earlier on.

Or you leave and get away from this miserable sod.

I know which Id choose!

YANBU that's awful and please stop treating him (I get why you do, it's a kind and loving gesture) and start immediately asking for your share.

You've got to treat him the way he does you or ....leave. I doubt he'll change.

I've got relatives like this.

All take, no give. A 50/50 obsession if they absolutely have to contribute. Long discussions about prices and who's paying what.
They would skin a turd for 1 p.

If something cost 99 pence, they'd insist on not being the one who put in the 50p.

Exhausting to be around and they're just relatives, couldn't tolerate it in a partner. God no, my fanny would clamp shut.

How old are you, sending each other ’treat money’ for McD? It’s just very, very weird op. Unless you’re 15. If you cooked something nice for each other it would be a nice and normal couple thing to do, McNuggets..not so much.

It’s really very odd to be sending him money for takeaways, generally when people treat each other they buy a gift, or pay for a joint meal, either take away or restaurant etc, not send someone with no money issues a tenner.

Could it have just not occurred to him to send you a fiver for a McDonald’s? If you live together couldn’t you have just asked him for the money? As in, good idea, I’m skint, can you send me a fiver?

@TinDogTavern - I figured it'd take time to leave, but she can stop setting fire to her escape fund in the meantime

If my husband sent me a tenner with “treat yourselfx” I would honestly think he was taking the absolute and utter piss. I’d understand it if you were both very young and he was really skint and couldn’t afford a takeaway , but this is like a parent giving a child some pocket money. Not an adult couple who live together.

Buying someone a gift or paying for a joint meal is one thing, but sending someone a tenner saying treat yourself is like mums working late and there is no one to cook for the kids, so here is a few quid, order a pizza .

Yuck.

You need to put a stop to this before the habit gets more ingrained over the years. Men don’t do hints so I would say it outright- ‘Well I left you money for a takeaway so I was hoping you’d do the same’. If he keeps wriggling out of it I would leave.

Why didn’t he cook if you were working late? What’s he eaten for dinner?

This reminds me of a guy I saw on “first dates” recently who framed the question of splitting the bill in such an uncouth way that I’m sure that was the moment his date decided not to see him again. I have no problems using a voucher or finding a bargain but I can’t stand the idea of splitting everything 50 / 50 each time. Even my friend and I take in in turns to buy the coffee when we go out. He sounds really mean spirited not just thrifty.

What @Rosebuud said !

Ugh. Awful. I wouldn't be talking to him about it. I would be ending it. Tightness is a hideous quality and I would not be with someone like this.

@Rosebuud

If my husband sent me a tenner with “treat yourselfx” I would honestly think he was taking the absolute and utter piss. I’d understand it if you were both very young and he was really skint and couldn’t afford a takeaway , but this is like a parent giving a child some pocket money. Not an adult couple who live together.

Buying someone a gift or paying for a joint meal is one thing, but sending someone a tenner saying treat yourself is like mums working late and there is no one to cook for the kids, so here is a few quid, order a pizza .

This!

YANBU. Stinginess is linked to selfishness and I couldn’t be with someone who could afford to spend ten pounds on me to really lift and treat me (and who readily accepts me doing the same for them) but chooses to see me eat a cheese sandwich instead. That plus the continued halving of stuff whenever you go out is a very unpleasant ‘what’s mine is mine’ attitude. Wouldn’t he even take turns in paying for nights out? It has to be split every time or he thinks it’s unfair? Why is he so wrapped up in having control over every last pound of his?

There’s nothing more unattractive than a lack of generosity. Nothing.
He couldn’t have ordered you some food, or made something for you??
Can you imagine living with someone who is like this long term? He won’t change. I can’t imagine DW behaving like that, even when we were dating we’d pay for stuff like meals out roughly turn about rather than split the bill. And not strictly either, it more just evened out. I used to love getting her gifts and treating her, still do, even if it’s just picking her up some posh choc or something when I’m out and about.

I had an ex like this and I had children with him, I was powerless money wise he held all the cards for years and years It's miserable !

Now married to someone new and everything goes into two accounts which are both joint one for bills one for us to spend on what we like, I never have to ask him to pay something or vis versa what's mine is his and what's his is mine my parents are still to this day like this so makes me feel comfortable knowing I have it, can you not talk to him? If he is unable to change and be a unit I would leave order an Uber Macy's on his card 😂

Mean with money, mean with love.

Being tight is such an unattractive trait-that would give me the major ick. One of DHs most gorgeous traits is being generous-he would give anyone his last pound and is always first to the bar-and the last🤣

I would not see this relationship as having a future-and more so if you can’t have a grown up conversation with him about it. Someone on here was asking if she WBU because she wanted to leave her husband over really pet things like he wouldn’t go to yoga with her to help stop his moaning about his bad back-this will be you. Leave him. Can you imagine how you’d cope on maternity leave etc?

LTB what's the point!

I have ( had) a mate like this - so tight they’d let everyone buy a drink then decide they had to leave just before their round. Every time. Became a bit of a running joke in our grp and someone would literally have to catch them and say - right up you go it’s your turn to buy drinks - before they’d try to sneak off.
Would turn up to house parties totally empty handed with some rubbish excuse, then drink everyone else’s booze, would always forget to bring a pressie or card to someone’s birthday and promise it would come later, never did.
And was one of the only people I knew who owned their own flat in their 20s, had a good job, Plenty of money, just tight as a gnats arse.
Got to the point where we just stopped inviting them to stuff, too bloody annoying.

If you lost your job tomorrow or were forced to give up work due to ill health, ask yourself how he would behave. Honestly. Would he support you whilst you were jobseeking? Would he tell you not to worry about anything, tell you it's a partnership and you are there for each other in bad times? Would he cherish you and look after you? Or would he keep a total of what you owe him? Moan about his money worries. Make you feel guilty about being unable to earn? How would he feel if you could never earn another penny? Would he offer to top up your pension payments whilst you were on maternity? If you suspect you can't rely on him in poverty or your darkest of days then you are preventing yourself from ever being happy. Financial abuse and emotional abuse is thought to be some of the worst abuse to recover from. Please save yourself, this man is not life partner material. Go and be happy, you deserve more, we all do.

@PollyRae16

Ergh that would be such a turn off! Like pp have said this will only get worse and you'll resent him for it.

And yeah if you had children with him I can just imagine what he'd been like from other threads I've read. Analyzing every little penny you've spent and expecting you to still pay 50/50 despite being on maternity leave.@

I'd put money on you having to pay all childcare costs and for everything for the baby too if you had one with him.

Mega turn off for me! I never expect to be paid for but there's something really nice when DH just offers to take me out for dinner. Often I'll insist we go half's but he's always offering to pay.

It was one of the major things that attracted me to DH, he's like me with money very generous & always the first to put his hand in his wallet. Don't think I could cope if he was stingy!

This sounds miserable and joyless. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man like this.

Yeah, it's his attitude to you.
My dh was extremely tight when I first met him!
That was his Upbringing and since he's had moments of extravagance.
However he is more careful with ££ and that balances me out as well.
But he's never totted things up in his head like that at all.
I really couidnt bare it.
Stop treating him and start getting your money in order.
A cheese sandwich!

My fanny has shriveled up reading that! I’d start complaining about this as a first step and then if no changes I would LTB!!