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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If money wasn’t an issue, would you rather work or be a stay at home parent?

213 replies

twerkinGherkin · 18/01/2022 15:48

Just curious. I’m not sure if stay at home parent life is all it’s cracked up to be. My children aren’t in school yet but even when they are, I think I might prefer to work? But putting them in wrap around care is giving me guilt as it’s not necessary. Wondering if I’m crazy to consider working when I don’t need to

OP posts:
PurpleMauve · 18/01/2022 18:11

Work PT and keep your independence regardless of overall household income. I’ve done it all. Worked PT and FT before DC and with 3 DC, and also whilst studying. Was a SAHP for several months just before Covid hit and got bored. Flexi hours, WFH 2/3 per week, school hours and/or term-time working should afford a decent work/life balance. Try to work close to home and school.

SantaClawsServiette · 18/01/2022 18:14

Well when my kids were small I chose to stay at home, which was a financial sacrifice, so I guess if money wasn't an issue I'd choose the same.

Now that they are older, I think I might still make that choice if I did not have to work. I have never struggled to find things to do. Though I like my job quite a lot and could see keeping it PT even if I didn't need the money.

FlyingPandas · 18/01/2022 18:15

Work PT.

I was a SAHM for a long time whilst DC were little (we have big age gaps, so youngest was only just starting preschool when eldest went into y7). I did a load of volunteer work during that period though. Being a SAHM is lovely whilst they are preschool and lower primary age. But equally I’ve yet to meet a child who doesn’t love wraparound care - my older two still hold a grudge that they didn’t get to go to after school club at infant school because I was at home Grin

In theory I did not and still do not need to work financially. DH earns a high 6 figure salary, I could spend my days going to the gym and getting my nails done if I wanted. But I need to work for my mental health and self esteem, I’m so much happier working and with hindsight I should have gone back to work years earlier than I did. I also think it is good for older DC to see you working at something outside of the home.

That said, my oldest DC has some SEN and I do think that having me around for years during primary and early secondary was of huge benefit to him. And i am grateful that I had the opportunity to spend lots of time with all the DC. But if I didn’t work now, I think I’d be quite depressed.

To be honest though op this is one of those questions you will get a whole raft of responses on. So much depends on individual circumstances-what your relationship is like, what your DC are like, what your finances are like. what your job is like etc. There is no right answer really.

MintJulia · 18/01/2022 18:28

I'd like to be a sahm. I'm 58, I've worked in some form since I was 13. apart from 4 months furlough last year. It's enough.

qualitygirl · 18/01/2022 18:36

Money is not an issue here...I work!!

rhowton · 18/01/2022 18:39

I would 100% be a SAHM. I'd also have a nanny.

Longingforsunshine · 18/01/2022 18:43

Work. I would go crazy looking after my 3 year old all day everyday! That being said I have flexible working and get Fridays off which I love spending with her. If money allowed I would still work but in a less stressful job and try to have half a day to myself each week at least!

TooOldToBeAGoth · 18/01/2022 18:45

Why would anyone choose to have someone else bring up their children and look after them all day?

HunterGatherer · 18/01/2022 18:45

Spent 6 years at home when mine were little (3 under 4 years old), they were the best years of my life.

loloballlolo · 18/01/2022 18:47

yes, part time work! can't cope with too many hours (single parent) but it gives me some sanity. luckily self employed so a bit more flexibility.

Crimesean · 18/01/2022 18:51

Work! Part time, but I love my career, it's good for my mental health.

It'd be nice to be able to collect DS from school every day, but I couldn't just be at home all day with nothing to do, it'd be boring as fuck!

G5000 · 18/01/2022 18:52

@TooOldToBeAGoth

Why would anyone choose to have someone else bring up their children and look after them all day?
Funny that nobody asks men this question, isn't it?
RidingMyBike · 18/01/2022 18:53

Work. Definitely. It's much easier and far more fun than being at home cleaning a house and running around after a kid. I hated being on maternity leave, did a full year and was very relieved to get back to work!

DH, meanwhile, has just become a SAHD and has taken to it like a duck to water Grin

Sunnytwobridges · 18/01/2022 18:55

I would depend on the age of the children. I tried the SAHP the first 6 months or so after DD was born and I HATED it. Was soooooo bored. But if she had been in school all day then I would LOVE to be a SAHP, I could go off and do things in the day w/o worrying about it being child friendly.

Crimesean · 18/01/2022 18:56

@TooOldToBeAGoth

Why would anyone choose to have someone else bring up their children and look after them all day?
Oh FFS, really? Hmm

Newsflash: some women enjoy their careers and are excellent at what they do.

Children who attend childcare outside of school aren't damaged or disadvantaged.

Obviously there are nuances - clearly a child spending 60 hours a week in nursery isn't living their best life. Different people have different lives though, it's stupid and unhelpful to make sweeping statements.

happySAHM · 18/01/2022 18:58

I have no financial constraints (only child born late in life after I’d already established myself professionally and financially), and I’m a SAHM.

I love it - it reduces stress on the wider family as my DH travels for work so often, and enables us to be very present for our child.

I get my intellectual stimulation and adult company from postgraduate study (which I do for fun, not validation or career progress). I lunch with friends and former colleagues as a sort of mentor. I go to art galleries and exhibitions. I do indeed fulfil the cliche and go to the hairdresser and the gym a lot.

However, I have taken care to be future-proofed. I have a private income and a private pension, and have taken very pragmatic legal steps to safeguard both, so if DH ran off with his intern or went under a bus I’d still be financially independent.

About10thusername · 18/01/2022 18:59

I'd quit my job and do a creative writing university course.
I couldn't handle being a stay at home mum. There's nothing wrong with it - it's just not for me.

dafey · 18/01/2022 19:01

Why would anyone choose to have someone else bring up their children and look after them all day?

FFS still this shite in 2022

Matbest · 18/01/2022 19:02

Definitely work, but I would drop my hours.

About10thusername · 18/01/2022 19:03

@TooOldToBeAGoth

Why would anyone choose to have someone else bring up their children and look after them all day?
The 1950's called and they want their opinions back.
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/01/2022 19:05

Part time would be ideal

Mine are 7 and 13 so also firmly in school

In order of difficulty I think it goes (easiest to hardest) - SAHP to school children, work, SAHP to baby or toddler

So I think anyone who is SAHP in the preschool years has a right to some time being a SAHP to school children for a bit if they want to even it up (funds permitting of course).

I’ve never been a SAHP though, only had maternity leave to go by

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/01/2022 19:07

I’m not part time because I can’t afford to be

3amMusings · 18/01/2022 19:08

I'd be a stay at home pet parent Grin

MuchTooTired · 18/01/2022 19:10

I’ve been a sahm due to childcare costs for my DTs. If money were no object, I’d work for sure! I adore my kids obviously, but I’m just not made of strong enough stuff to stay at home and love it. Maybe if I’d had kids one at a time I’d have been different, but with the kids I have, definitely work please!

(There’s nothing wrong with my kids btw, they’re just small, noisy and feral. They’re utterly hilarious, but I’m a bit boring and don’t want to be dog/donkey/horse/princess/a train all the time).

MelonTits · 18/01/2022 19:15

Work part time. I got antsy on maternity leave, but trying to work full time in a busy job, keep the house clean and tidy, do hobbies, look after DD and eventually relax a bit is making me very unhappy.