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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think £175 is an excessive amount to pay for breakfast for 2?

239 replies

WafflesnBlueberries · 17/01/2022 23:06

Or AIBU to think child maintenance system needs reform for shared care arrangements?

If there is exactly 50-50 shared care no party pays, but as soon there's a day a year different the non-resident party has to pay four-sevenths of what they'd pay if they never saw the kids.

My ex is suggesting I should have our 2 children for 5 nights + 2 evenings a fortnight, in term time (equal holidays)
If we did this then I'd have them 39 nights a year less than equal so would be liable to pay maintenance with a two-sevenths reduction.
Plugging this into the calculator I'm told I should pay:
£132.50 a week
or £574 a month
or £6,886 a year
which seems a smidge excessive for 39 breakfasts for 2 children, one of whom doesn't do breakfast. (£175 per breakfast)

The proposal from Cafcass was I should have them 6 nights a fortnight instead of ex's suggestion of 5 nights + 2 teatimes. That would mean the children would have 19-20 nights a year fewer with me and would increase my maintenance reduction to three-seveths. I'd then only have to pay
£106 a week
or £459 a month
or £5507 a year
which still seems a trifle much for 20 nights for 2. That's £275 a night and while they do both eat a terrifying amount for dinner it still seems…

To be fair if they're with my ex on a school morning they are sent in with packed lunches or my ex pays for school lunch, but I'm still not convinced the cost is justified.

Can anyone point me at the law where they devised these calculations? So I can trawl Hansard and see how it was discussed and how the government decided this was reasonable.

OP posts:
CheeseMmmm · 18/01/2022 00:29

I am also confused about relationship with ex.

On one hand your posts sound like communication channels pretty much closed. Certainly you come across as resentful, bitter, angry, and not working together at all.

OTOH she asked you for this change. Was that directly or through 3rd party?

I think that potentially (probably) making her work situation really complicated maybe even untenable, or meaning kids don't see ex much, is definitely not good fit kids.

Can't you sort out through year that you have them extra days during year to even if out? Given its the money that's your big issue here.

CheeseMmmm · 18/01/2022 00:30

By the way you can get pretty decent tech 2nd hand cheaper from CEX and other places too.

What are are they?

Quincythequince · 18/01/2022 00:30

@TheCatShatInTheHat

I don't get why you are having such a hard time here.

You do 50:50 each and no one pays any maintainace! Help her out by being flexible around shifts and she gets the days with the kids when she isn't working. All other money for use on the kids is split evenly.

No one should be paying anything if its 50:50.

Really? You don’t get why OP has been given grief?

Did you read the OP properly?! Equating maintenance costs to solely how much kids eat?!

Woffle · 18/01/2022 00:35

The gender has been spotted! Whoops Wink

TheCatShatInTheHat · 18/01/2022 00:37

@Quincythequince
The OP certainly is 'unique' in his views but if he has them 50:50 and pays half of everything, then I don't see the problem.

Quincythequince · 18/01/2022 00:38

Yep, OPs ex partner is a woman, no idea what OP is though. Going to hazard a man, for many give-away reasons!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/01/2022 00:40

The problem with your post is that you’ve expressed it as all about the money.

Do you want to spend as much time as possible with your kids? Do you think that’s best for them, or do you feel that the majority of the time in one home works best? Do you think it’s sensible to work to whatever pattern gives the children the most stability with a shift working parent? Those are the sort of things I’d want to hear if I were a judge, not calculations about how much you’re being charged for breakfast Hmm

No maintenance when it’s 50-50 is desperately unfair when there is a big discrepancy in incomes.

Also this.

Quincythequince · 18/01/2022 00:40

[quote TheCatShatInTheHat]@Quincythequince
The OP certainly is 'unique' in his views but if he has them 50:50 and pays half of everything, then I don't see the problem.[/quote]
But that’s not the case! You can’t imply kids coat nothing to care for, then say you don’t want to pay it for various reasons including that you want more money to spend on your kids for standard kids things like consoles/trips etc

They either cost money to care for, or they don’t (clearly it’s the diner!)

Quincythequince · 18/01/2022 00:43

If high earning parent has children 50% of time, in the event of a clean break (which is what we’re talking about here), why should they subside other parent!

That’s spousal maintenance through the back door!

CheeseMmmm · 18/01/2022 00:43

I think the OP problem is that ex is apparently rolling in cash (somehow) with what sounds like mansion billionaires row London, cash for unlimited holidays presents probably hand made designer clothes, personal helicopter and servants.

While OP sits in bedsit crying.

Sorry if harsh but listen to yourself op!

Your posts come across with your entire focus on money and being hard done by. And children hardly mentioned at all.

You're not coming across well, in short.

And you still have not answered key question, how old kids and what is ex shift pattern and how is child care around that managed now?

Moonbabysmum · 18/01/2022 01:05

There's quibbling about a few days, but this is essentially near enough 50-50 that children will cost each parent a similar amount as a minimum (and then if one wants to buy consoles that's their choice).

I think it's petty trying to get a sliver over the 50% mark, and then claiming maintenance in those situations.

I can see why the OP has got flack for reducing it down to breakfasts, but I can totally see why the situation is unfair.

NoRaceInThisHorse · 18/01/2022 01:54

CMS isn't just for breakfast... as you know.
Anyway if you don't want to change it, don't. I assume you have a court order?

OniferousWasp · 18/01/2022 02:34

I don’t understand why route getting such a hard time!
I agree with 50:50 and no maintenance. You shouldn’t be struggling to provide for your child.
Yabu to dwell on not being able to afford consoles though. It’s good for them to have a break from them some part of the week.

SpringDaisies · 18/01/2022 03:09

In 20-30 years time when one of your children send you an email saying they have worked it out, and the cost of them and their family visiting you that weekend (petrol, wear and tear on vehicle and clothes, lost opportunity costs in attending children’s clubs and sports already paid for etc etc) will you be proud they learnt the cost of everything, but the value of nothing from you?

£175 isn’t just for breakfast and you know it.

SpringDaisies · 18/01/2022 03:11

Correction - should be “cost of them visiting you exceeds their costs

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 03:23

What???

It's not "just costs of breakfast" though is it? I cannot believe that a parent who has the children less time is thinking about the extra cost as being per day and just for breakfast?!

Are you for real?

If you want 50:50 then make a case for that. If you are too busy at work to take off tile to do 50:50 then accept that other parent will be the one that does majority of care, majority or the nights, the homework the organising, the angst, the costs of childcare and taking time off when they are unwell.

I'm not sure you argued your care very well when you talk about breakfast costs only. But I do know if you were not as busy at work and said you want DCs 50:50 and had a good case for it where you are available and out your DCs first, then you'd have a good argument. If you can't and don't, then please don't pretend it is about the cost of a bowl of cereal!!

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 03:24

Apologies for typos
But typed so fast!!! As couldn't believe what I read in OPs post.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 18/01/2022 03:26

Oooh typed so fast I missed a phrase out

But I do know if you were not as busy at work and said you want DCs 50:50 and had a good case for it where you are available and out your DCs first, then you'd have a good argument for 50:50 shared care . If you can't and don't, then please don't pretend it is about the cost of a bowl of cereal!!

Youngdumbandfullofrum · 18/01/2022 03:33

Yabu just on the basis you made such petty, penny pinching calculations - let alone your suggestion it's simply an expensive breakfast you're financing!
Perhaps you could put your love of maths to better use and channel the spare time and energy you suddenly find you have into saving for that precious games console once you tuck that bottom lip in and stop sulking :)
I'll bet there are certain things she feels go unfairly in your favour when it comes to co parenting but it's not about fair, it's about ensuring the children have a stable upbringing. If you're arguing just for the sake of it it's your children who'll pay in the end, emotionally. Let it go.

notyouagainn · 18/01/2022 03:35

Who's paying for -
Clothes
School dinners
Childcare (if needed)
Toys/crafts/books etc
School supplies
School trips
Hair cuts
Birthday parties
Main household/car expenses

If it's you then yes you are overpaying if it's your ex then you need to contribute

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/01/2022 04:10

Have you discussed this with your ex? And explained you’re struggling to give the kids a nice time at yours because of this? Maybe that would be the first port of call.

SavBbunny · 18/01/2022 04:37

£175 a week for two children? Lucky you. If you can afford music lessons at £40 per 30 minutes this is peanuts. To pay half you salary on housing costs is quite normal in the south east. Bills on top should be no more than £1000 unless you sre living in Windsor Castle! If you are normal height and weight you can buy fab designer clothes off fleebay. My children grew up with feast or famine. If you have been divorced 9 years they are secondary school age. No one likes a mean man. Give up the rant, be nice. Tomorrow is another day. And remember your children choose your nursing home!

CheeseMmmm · 18/01/2022 05:37

OP not been back, shame.

Hope back tomorrow.

Never says what ex shift pattern was, or how ex manages that currently.... But read OP posts again and is mentioned:

OP:
'I'm also unhappy I don't get as much time with my children as I'd like, and that my ex has used so much childcare (Lockdown was good from that point of view as I saw more of them).'

OP works shift pattern. Uses childcare to cover. I know from experience that out of usual hours it is vv hard to find, and costs eyewatering.

OP is unhappy that ex uses childcare so much? What the fuck else they supposed to do???!!

PearPickingPorky · 18/01/2022 05:42

What childcare do your secondary school age children go to, OP?

CaMePlaitPas · 18/01/2022 05:44

Stop press, man doesn't want to pay for his kids, thinks it's "unfair".

Yawn.