To feel such bad guilt st splitting family to be gay?

[WorriedWilma123]

I am really struggling with the guilt of this.
I keep looking at divorce statistics and worrying I’m causing untold damage to my 2 children by coming out as gay and hurting their dad during their childhoods.
We will be living together for the foreseeable future mainly got financial reasons which whilst it’s lovely for the children in the respect they both have free access to a lot of time with either of us, it’s so hard for me to see everyday the pretty perfect family unit I have destroyed.
I keep trying to imagine going back to it and wondering if I would be able to - I feel so selfish feeling like this as I do love my husband but the thought of being anywhere near him intimately I can’t even imagine now as it’s been over a year as we’ve been separated fully; separated rooms etc since June last year.
Will the guilt ease or is the guilt telling me to make it work and the children will be happier with their unit back together?

TBH, any reason for splitting up a family will likely feel awful - it just will.

It must be a shock for you as well as for them. But ultimately if you cannot imagine a sexual/romantic relationship with someone, it doesn't matter the reason why - you have to make a hard decision and someone is going to get hurt whatever you do.

You shouldn't live a lie for the sake of the children, I don't think they'd thank you for it in the future. I'm divorced although not for the same reasons.

However I don't think a new relationship should be a priority for you yet and I'd say that whether it was a gay or straight relationship. Divorce isn't great for kids however you look at it, adding new partners into the mix is even more upheaval.

No intention at all of adding new partners to the mix.
I don’t think he would do that either and actually living together for a while to come would actually make that easier to maintain as there wouldn’t be any partner either side in the home.
I just feel awful.
I’ve dropped the kids to school and burst into tears because they didn’t deserve this.
I feel so selfish about it all - thank you for replying; I don’t have many people in real life to talk to.

Kids will be able to tell that you're unhappy. Better to split for good. You'll do more damage staying so dont feel guilty

It is really sad and of course natural to feel guilty because of it. Hopefully your children will come out the other side OK. I have sometimes seen it that children hold it all together but the pain comes out when they have their own children later on and reflect on your choices and consequences then.

You don't need to feel guilty OP, your happiness matters too and id want my kids to grow up seeing what real love is

My mum and dad stayed together for the sake of us, we wish they hadnt of bothered, they clearly hated each other and were miserable

Plus OP, imagine how awful your children would feel as adults if they knew their gay parent stayed in a straight relationship and was terribly unhappy, just for their sakes. They wouldnt be like oh thank you so much, they'd ask you why!

Do what you need to do to make yourself hapoy OP,

I don't think you're doing anyone any favours by continuing to live together including the children, to whom it presumably sends mixed messages so I would prioritise working out the finances so that you can separate properly, rather than living in an artificial 'perfect family set-up' that is clearly causing you distress.

It’s sad but whatever your reasons for splitting if it’s not working then it’s not
It will be easier for your children in the long run though if you live apart ASAP - and probably for both of you too

Financially we can’t live apart for a while.
There’s just no way. It’s not maintaining a perfect family set up though - we have led completely separate lives since last summer including holidays with the children.
I feel so lost.

To be honest I think the guilt should be towards your husband as well, he married you and had two children with you having no idea (I assume) that you were gay. If you're gay then don't marry someone of the opposite sex, if you're not sure if you're gay don't marry anyone - it's really not that difficult. He's now trapped financially living with the person he thought loved him and that he was building a life with in some kind of limbo, with no opportunity to meet someone who really wants to be with him.

I've been in a similar situation and it sucks. You say you can't imagine being intimate with him but you managed to when you wanted kids with him. I feel really sorry for your husband and I really wish people wouldn't get married unless they were completely sure it was what they wanted.

Oh and please don't go back to him for the sake of the children, he deserves much better than that. You say you're lost, imagine how he must feel.

@Tal45

To be honest I think the guilt should be towards your husband as well, he married you and had two children with you having no idea (I assume) that you were gay. If you're gay then don't marry someone of the opposite sex, if you're not sure if you're gay don't marry anyone - it's really not that difficult. He's now trapped financially living with the person he thought loved him and that he was building a life with in some kind of limbo, with no opportunity to meet someone who really wants to be with him.

I've been in a similar situation and it sucks. You say you can't imagine being intimate with him but you managed to when you wanted kids with him. I feel really sorry for your husband and I really wish people wouldn't get married unless they were completely sure it was what they wanted.

Think you're being a tad unfair on OP. She may not have realised she was gay. I doubt she would have married him if going near him intimately was always repulsive, let alone had two kids!

Sorry to the above poster as you seem to have personal experience maybe?
Of course there has been and still is horrendous guilt towards my husband.
I definitely did NOT know I was gay.
When I married him and had the kids with him I had no bloody idea and we were very happy.
The youngest child is 10 - this is not something I took lightly.
I’m not sure what you mean that he can’t meet anyone else - he isn’t under any restrictions by me as hurt as I would feel I know he deserves much better than a wife who realises she’s gay 20 years down the line.
I feel terrible and no amount of counselling helped with the coming out process during or the guilt process after.

You should leave. Staying will damage your kids and your husband, and it's not their fault that this is happening. It's not fair on your husband because he should be free to find someone who will actually love him and will raise his kids with him.

Thank you sleepyquest, I didn’t know.

@Tal45 look up compulsory heterosexuality especially towards women before passing such judgments. Many, many women come out later in life because the message of heterosexual marriage and kids is hammered into us from day 1 with little opportunity to explore true feelings in such a hostile homophobic society. Many women coming out post marriage and children will have not had the benefit of any sort of example of lesbian relationships or acceptance in any way.

Op, you'll be OK. Your children will be OK. It's hard now, but it will get better. You can't live a lie, it will destroy you eventually, and your children need you whole. Your family still exists, just in a different structure.

Raise his kids with him?
As in my kids you mean?

I feel sorry for the husband too, I know someone this happened to and it devastated them. But it’s all about the person who has come out that is being encouraged to ‘live their authentic self’ etc. The person left behind is an afterthought and often gets very little sympathy.

@MorningStarling

You should leave. Staying will damage your kids and your husband, and it's not their fault that this is happening. It's not fair on your husband because he should be free to find someone who will actually love him and will raise his kids with him.

OP can raise her kids FFS. Being gay doesn't stop you doing that

However, I agree that staying in the same house but living such separate lives will be more damaging to the children

I can assure you there is no support of “ living my authentic self “
I can’t even bring myself to tell my parents and only a few friends know and even then none massively supportive as he’s such a good husband and dad they don’t understand.

Don't model sexually incompatible relationships to your children, it messes them up.

Source: my parents are sexually incompatible and it has messed me up.

I’m nearly 50 and a lot of my friends (older and younger) have “changed teams” or told me that they are actually bi. We have discussed the possibility that maybe some women were straight and actually changed over time. (Hormonal changes, maybe?) Who knows? The world is a different place to the one we were in two years ago, let alone ten or twenty. Your sexuality isn’t going to affect your kids. Your behaviour and mental health will though. How you break up and how you coparent will as well. There is no such thing as a perfect family. All families have secrets, resentments and arguments. Some are worse than others. If you are honest with yourself and leave your husband to find happiness with someone who can truly love him the way he needs, surely that can only benefit your kids. Your kids will grow up in an environment with at least one parent who is “safe” to discuss their own identity issues with if they realise that they are not straight too.

So many couples divorce - is there a reason you are taking it so badly?
It's not really your fault it is just how it is - other couples split when one of them meets someone else - I don't see you are any worse than any other parent wanting a divorce.
I would make some plans for the future - eg we live separately in a years time - so then you can both make some plans - this arrangement sounds as if it won't suit either of you.
Once you have plans you can talk to the DCs about it - perhaps you have already but if not they must be wondering what on earth is going on.

The end of any relationship is sad and painful. But you can't live a life without experiencing sadness or pain - they're temporary and survivable emotions.

If the op had simply posted that she had fallen out of love with her husband and it wasn't salvageable, she wouldn't be condemned like she has been by some here. What difference does it make that she realised she had fallen out of love with him because she was gay?

You being gay is irrelevant. What’s relevant is that you’ve split up from their dad.

Do they know you’ve separated?

I think you need to move out ASAP.
Kids get over separations and divorces but their parents living together but being separate must be very confusing for them.