To feel such bad guilt st splitting family to be gay?

[WorriedWilma123]

I am really struggling with the guilt of this.
I keep looking at divorce statistics and worrying I’m causing untold damage to my 2 children by coming out as gay and hurting their dad during their childhoods.
We will be living together for the foreseeable future mainly got financial reasons which whilst it’s lovely for the children in the respect they both have free access to a lot of time with either of us, it’s so hard for me to see everyday the pretty perfect family unit I have destroyed.
I keep trying to imagine going back to it and wondering if I would be able to - I feel so selfish feeling like this as I do love my husband but the thought of being anywhere near him intimately I can’t even imagine now as it’s been over a year as we’ve been separated fully; separated rooms etc since June last year.
Will the guilt ease or is the guilt telling me to make it work and the children will be happier with their unit back together?

@draramallama

The end of any relationship is sad and painful. But you can't live a life without experiencing sadness or pain - they're temporary and survivable emotions.

If the op had simply posted that she had fallen out of love with her husband and it wasn't salvageable, she wouldn't be condemned like she has been by some here. What difference does it make that she realised she had fallen out of love with him because she was gay?

There is a lot of lesbophobia on mumsnet and it comes out in force in these types of threads especially - very disappointing to see it.

I know you say it's not doable financially, but honestly living together but separated must be really confusing for the children, that is much more likely to 'damage' them. It sounds like you both deserve to be able to move on and this won't happen while you're living together, I think you need to talk to him and explore all logistics. As for being a lesbian, well it can be challenging for children when a parent starts relationships with other people anyway, it would be faux naivety to say its unlikely you will have additional obstacles and challenges, but you also deserve to be happy, and plenty of children have parents who go on to have same sex relationships and are fine.

To go back to what you describe in your op - it sounds like continuing to live together has kept you trapped in the grieving process.

In that you have started grieving because the decision has been made, but it has not been carried out yet and therefore your life is almost in suspended animation - which means the grief cannot be processed or start to drain away.

Once you are living separately and moving forward, how you feel will change. But you can't really process and move past something while it's still happening.

Are you sure the financial obstacles are insurmountable?

I don't think this situation is great for any of you. You need to set a goal of how you are going to divide your lives up. It is difficult for you but, for your husband, it is a weird limbo that it not of his own making. He is deprived of any sort of intimacy, but he cannot realistically meet anyone else whilst you present as a family unit. If he met someone and described his situation...married, still in the same house, no intimacy because his wife is gay....most women , myself included, would think nope , no way. At best it is unbelievably complicated, at worst it is another version of ....we don't ever have sex, my wife doesn't understand me, I want to divorce but I can't afford it ....Whoever he meets won't know which version is the truth.

It's not fair on your husband because he should be free to find someone who will actually love him and will raise his kids with him.

I'm pretty sure being a lesbian doesn't prevent anyone from raising their own children.

like @Justilou1, I can think of quite a few women friends who, though not actively seeking to end their marriages, would, should they end, be seeking a relationship with another woman. A male friend ended his marriage (to a woman) a few years ago -- I knew he was bi, though I'm not sure he's ever had an actual relationship with a man, and that his wife had previously had a longterm relationship with a woman, and I think that internalised homophobia as well as a desire for children had contributed to them deciding to marry.

I thought he would seek relationships with men after they split, but I think growing up in an extremely conservative Christian society has left him with a lot of internalised shame about being attracted to men. He's now in a relationship with a woman, and to be honest, I see the same thing as likely to happen again.

You can't go back with him because you think the children will be happier with their family unit back together.
You would be doing both yourself and him a great disservice.
You can't imagine being anywhere near him sexually. This means that either you have to have sex with him which you don't want and aren't able to explore your own sexual identity as a gay woman or he has to live without sex. Either way, neither of you are going to be happy.

You could agree to an open relationship I suppose, but that brings its own problems. All well and good until one of you falls in love with someone else.

I have no idea why people are bashing you for coming out as gay later in life. It happens to a lot of people and many had absolutely no idea whatsoever that they were attracted to the same sex or had managed to suppress it to such an extent (due to societal pressure and expectations to marry and have children) that the resurfacing of these desires came as a surprise to them too.

It's actually not relevant what the reason is, the fact is that you are no longer sexually attracted to your husband and do not want to be intimate with him and therefore sadly, the marriage is over.

My parents stayed together for 'the sake of the children'.

Honestly, it's the worst thing they ever did. It was awful growing up, there was no love between my parents, horrible atmospheres everyday and arguing. I really do wish they split up a lot sooner than they did.

First of all, it doesn't really matter how "hard" you work. It won't make you not be gay. Sorry if that sounds blunt but it is how things are. So try not to torture yourself by going down that road.

Secondly, staying in an unhappy marriage will do far more damage to your children than a divorce.

It's ok to divorce your husband because you have realised that you are gay. I promise you, it really is ok. You will have a few storms to weather, just as everyone does at some point, but you and your kids will be absolutely fine.

If you are sleeping in separate rooms and doing separate holidays your children will already know if the youngest is 10. Kids aren't stupid. I think it's a shit situation for your husband, he's not signed up to have a room mate who he happens to have children with. I think you need to separate fully and allow him to move on. You might think you are doing the best for your children here but it must be miserable for your husband. You unfortunately can't have your cake and eat it, if you don't want to be with your husband and are secretly separated you can't carry on pretending you are together.

@Tal45

To be honest I think the guilt should be towards your husband as well, he married you and had two children with you having no idea (I assume) that you were gay. If you're gay then don't marry someone of the opposite sex, if you're not sure if you're gay don't marry anyone - it's really not that difficult. He's now trapped financially living with the person he thought loved him and that he was building a life with in some kind of limbo, with no opportunity to meet someone who really wants to be with him.

I've been in a similar situation and it sucks. You say you can't imagine being intimate with him but you managed to when you wanted kids with him. I feel really sorry for your husband and I really wish people wouldn't get married unless they were completely sure it was what they wanted.

@Tal45

Oh this is really helpful.

Feeling guilty? Here’s more to feel guilty about on top of that.

Just cos you’ve been on the receiving end doesn’t give you the right to make someone who is clearly struggling, feel worse.

You’ve been there so give some constructive advice, how did your children take the news? Did everyone turn out ok? Would you rather the person stayed and lived a lie?

OP the past is done but the future isn’t, your children will be fine they have 2 patents that love and want the best for them. You can’t live a lie and regret for the rest of your life.

@WonderfulYou

You being gay is irrelevant. What’s relevant is that you’ve split up from their dad.

Do they know you’ve separated?

I think you need to move out ASAP.
Kids get over separations and divorces but their parents living together but being separate must be very confusing for them.

I agree with this.

OP you really need to focus on living separately, or at least staying separately. Do you have any local family/friends you could stay with temporarily?

Lots of parents split up, being gay doesn't make it any worse. I have a friend who lived with his mum and her partner after she left his dad having realised she was gay, and this was 20+ years ago...it's not as uncommon as you might think.

You are focusing a lot on what you've done 'wrong' but the reality is just that you've split up because it wasn't working for you - the same as many do every single day. You are not some horrific villain and your kids will come out the other side fine if they are supported and still spending time with both parents throughout.

I know logistically moving out can seem impossible when first trying to think about it, but it really is the best step you can take (for EVERYONE) to move forward. Otherwise you will just be stuck wallowing in guilt and not moving on mentally.

Do the kids no you are separated and will be moving into different accommodation eventually? Don’t feel guilty, you are doing your best and I don’t think staying living together is damaging short term either, assuming the kids no what’s going on, and financial instability wouldn’t be any better for them. Although if they don’t no you are gay they will probably be hoping you will work it out.

I’d say don’t let it drag out tho, when I was a teen my best friends parents did what you are doing but for 10 years and it absolutely messed their kids up. But short term it allows for a more stable move and less shock for the kids when it eventually happens (assuming you are being honest with them about what will happen).

I'm sorry OP - it must be really hard to be battling the double fear of judgement, both at coming out and at divorcing. But you deserve to be happy, too, and ultimately both your children and your husband will be happier in the long run - your kids for having a parent who's not hiding part of themselves (and the resultant trauma that causes), and your husband for not living a lie or being with someone who doesn't fully love them the way they want.

@draramallama

The end of any relationship is sad and painful. But you can't live a life without experiencing sadness or pain - they're temporary and survivable emotions.

If the op had simply posted that she had fallen out of love with her husband and it wasn't salvageable, she wouldn't be condemned like she has been by some here. What difference does it make that she realised she had fallen out of love with him because she was gay?

@draramallama

Exactly this.

Quite shocked at some of the comments here actually!

Considering on nearly every relationship post women are told to leave their relationships asap.
But here someone’s being made to feel bad and like it’s her fault, it’s not.

When a man comes out later in age (phillip scoffield) for example, it’s all support and how awful it must have been living a lie for all these years.
But for women it’s always their fault and people add more guilt on.
And to raise HIS children 😂

You can split over so many things, being a lesbian is irrelevant you’ve done absolutely nothing to feel any guilt over and if your home life works for you both and the children, why worry? Speak to him and then see how everyone feels about your living situation.

Stop beating yourself up. Forget the gay bit for now, you're splitting up because you were unhappy in the relationship and unable to be fully yourself.

Work out a good set up for co-parenting, invest in building a new relationship with your ex. In the fullness of time, think about a new partner.

It's better for your kids that you model respect for your partner, respect for yourself, grown-up ways of resolving conflict etc than staying in an embittered, unfulfilling relationship. This isn't an easy situation but your guilt is a form of self-pity and it doesn't really help anyone.

I don't understand how you could have been trying for children and not realised you were gay? Wouldn't something have twigged by then? No offense it just doesn't make sense to me.

I think the fair thing to do would be to fully separate but raise the kids 50,50. Then you and your ex dh can both find a fulfilling relationship.

My parents stayed together for 'the sake of the children'.

Honestly, it's the worst thing they ever did. It was awful growing up, there was no love between my parents, horrible atmospheres everyday and arguing. I really do wish they split up a lot sooner than they did.

I agree.

Why are you posting this again?

In this post you have omitted to mention that the reason you are leaving your husband is because you had an affair with the OW you are planning to leave him for.

Being gay is a red herring.

You cheated on your husband. That’s no different whether it was with another man or a woman. And chances are that if your children find out they will have negative feelings towards you not because of your sexuality but because you cheated on their father.

My parents split and I always wished they'd been able to pretend to be happy so we could have stayed a family. As an adult I saw that was sadly idealistic. But for most kids I guess the dream is one big happy family.

I never quite understand when people insist they had no inkling whatsoever that they were gay. But you've come to the realisation now so all that you can do is handle the here and now. Hopefully things will remain amicable between you and your husband thus limiting any fallout on your kids.

Raise his kids with him?
As in my kids you mean?

*OP can raise her kids FFS.

Can one assume that a reference to 'her kids' is considered acceptable whereas a reference to 'his kids' was jumped upon?

@JudgeJ

Raise his kids with him? As in my kids you mean?

*OP can raise her kids FFS.

Can one assume that a reference to 'her kids' is considered acceptable whereas a reference to 'his kids' was jumped upon?

What was jumped on was a poster referring to the OP's ex-husband finding another woman 'to raise his kids with him'. The OP is gay, not dead.

When a man comes out later in age (phillip scoffield) for example, it’s all support and how awful it must have been living a lie for all these years.

Really? That’s certainly not the reaction I saw on MN. Quite the opposite in fact.

It's shit for a person when their husband/wife decides they're gay so I do have massive sympathy for anyone caught in that situation.

@alternativeperspective

Wow, that's a big omission...

The decision to end the relationship was yours, that’s fine. But there is no way you should still live together long term.

Do you actually want another relationship? no one can truly move on from the situation until you don’t share a house.

You will probably end up in a less nice house and with less money but surely that is always the price to pay to be true to yourself. Maybe you or your husband will find a new partner one day and those living expenses with be shared or maybe you won’t but it is just not a good idea to live the way you are even if you are financially better off.