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Original poster

To feel such bad guilt st splitting family to be gay?

141 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 17/01/2022 09:06

I am really struggling with the guilt of this.
I keep looking at divorce statistics and worrying I’m causing untold damage to my 2 children by coming out as gay and hurting their dad during their childhoods.
We will be living together for the foreseeable future mainly got financial reasons which whilst it’s lovely for the children in the respect they both have free access to a lot of time with either of us, it’s so hard for me to see everyday the pretty perfect family unit I have destroyed.
I keep trying to imagine going back to it and wondering if I would be able to - I feel so selfish feeling like this as I do love my husband but the thought of being anywhere near him intimately I can’t even imagine now as it’s been over a year as we’ve been separated fully; separated rooms etc since June last year.
Will the guilt ease or is the guilt telling me to make it work and the children will be happier with their unit back together?

OP posts:
ditalini · 17/01/2022 11:37

There's no reason to be guilty. You can't help how you feel and it's perfectly reasonable to end a relationship when you realise you're not sexually compatible and it's not fixable.

Obviously if you've been having an affair then that's not so great, but it's the dishonesty that's the problem not your sexuality.

It might be worth thinking about why you're labeling yourself gay when, if you previously had a happy relationship with a man you are pretty much by definition bisexual - is it that you feel it makes it clearer to your husband that there's no going back?

An acquaintance has been very hurt by her husband's enthusiastic coming out as gay - that he is and always has been gay and is now expressing his true self. She feels that it makes what was a happy 10 year marriage with 3 children a complete lie. Mind you, he was also having affairs for about half of it so the whole thing is a shit show and difficult to unpick all the hurt.

But no, you shouldn't feel guilty for splitting your family. There's no happiness to be found in a dead relationship for anyone.

MichelleScarn · 17/01/2022 11:39

[quote NotMyselfWithoutCoffee]@alternativeperspective

Wow, that's a big omission...[/quote]
A very big omission and would absolutely elicit different responses!!

Beefcurtains79 · 17/01/2022 11:40

So you cheated on him? Nice.

Beefcurtains79 · 17/01/2022 11:42

Perhaps the guilt you are feeling is from cheating, not breaking up your family?

TellMeItsPossible · 17/01/2022 11:44

Oh ffs, op.

EatDrinkEatDrink · 17/01/2022 11:51

Oh just missed off the cheating bit, nice. A good friend of mine realised she was gay/bi after 15 years with her husband (thankfully no children), she didn't think seeing women counted as cheating, I was disgusted, not because she is now bi, but because she actually thought it was OK because it was a woman!! I guess your gf doesn't count either so you just didn't mention her in your post?

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/01/2022 11:52

@JudgeJ

Raise his kids with him? As in my kids you mean?

*OP can raise her kids FFS.

Can one assume that a reference to 'her kids' is considered acceptable whereas a reference to 'his kids' was jumped upon?

Assume away, "one" would be incorrect though

My comment was to a PP who said she needed to leave him so he could find someone to raise his kids with him, insinuating she wouldn't be helping to raise them herself

AgathaAllAlong · 17/01/2022 11:56

In fairness, the being gay bit doesn't matter - it's about whether you want to be with your husband.

It's a cycle. My parents stayed together for the kids in the sense that we all lived together but they weren't a couple. It's given me and my siblings a really dysfunctional view on what a relationship looks like. My own relationships have all been fucked up because I can't tell the difference between romantic relationship and flatmates who share a finances and childcare. I would have prefered them to just divorce.

BeyondShrinks · 17/01/2022 11:56

Ignoring the non-dripped drip-feed here for a second, but based on the OP I had a chat to my DCs and my DW. Both having experience of divorce - my own DCs having me then meet another woman, and my DW having her parents meet new heterosexual partners. All of them agree that the divorce itself is the hard bit, not the "outing" of their parent. So on that, I can say you have no need to worry any more than you would if you separated for any other reason.

The cheating - assuming your children are unaware - is an entirely separate issue.

unname · 17/01/2022 11:59

Unlike most others, I think it’s fine to stay in the same home for now. Perhaps even better for the children and certainly easier financially and logistically. As long as there is no abuse or constant hostility, I completely disagree that it’s somehow better for children to see people living “authentically”.

Children care about their own stability, and what divorce means for them. They aren’t sitting around thinking about their parents’ relationship or happiness.

As a good person, it’s natural to feel guilt. It’s just something you will have to deal with but don’t mix it up with the sadness you must also feel because your life is not the perfect picture you had in mind. Don’t make decisions based on these feelings!

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

GoodnightGrandma · 17/01/2022 12:02

It doesn’t matter why you split, you’ll still feel the same.
You have to live your life as you want to, not as a lie to DH and the kids.

LadyPropane · 17/01/2022 12:03

If it is true that you cheated on your husband, then that would explain the guilt you feel.

You really should move out.

CatsArePeople · 17/01/2022 12:13

What a shit soup. It's very unfair on your husband to stay with him for financial reasons.

Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 12:14

I know lots of later in life lesbians, women who for whatever reason ( usually family or societal pressures) married men or convinced themselves they could have a ‘normal’ life being with a bloke.
Not a single one has regretted their decision to come out and live an authentic life. NOT ONE.
Some have kids, some don’t, some were together for a very long time with their ‘best friend’ husband, some had many shorter relationships, but none of them felt fulfilled by being with a man the same way they did with a woman.
Don’t be hard on yourself, half the straight married couples we know have now spilt and their kids are coping.
Yours will be fine, and they’ll be better off with happy parents than unhappy ones trying to make a relationship work for the sake of the children.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 17/01/2022 12:17

Look at the statistics between suicide and closeted members of the LGBT community.

You’ve done the best thing for your children, you’ve demonstrated how important it is to be honest about who you are and what you need out of life.

It feels awful now. For you, for your ex, for the children but it won’t forever. All you can do is put all your effort into your own happiness and theirs, strive for a great coparenting relationship and find out who you are.

Where they’re grown up and Dad has remarried a great woman and Mum is happy with her partner they’re going have such healthy role models of relationships rather than mum being hideously miserable with dad and all they remember about their childhood is arguing. You’ve done the right thing, don’t worry.

LoveMae · 17/01/2022 12:17

Oh, this hurt my heart to read.

Divorce is awful for any reason- fact.
You deserve some happiness- fact.

Get your ducks in a row and move out asap. You are both being held back from the chance to find someone new and enter new chapters of your lives.

And being gay is not going to kill anyone. Being your authentic self may mean you lose a few deadweights along the way, but you'll gain many more true friends. PM me if you would like to chat, coming out isn't easy but it's so worth it.

Blahblahblah40 · 17/01/2022 12:17

@WorriedWilma123

I can assure you there is no support of “ living my authentic self “ I can’t even bring myself to tell my parents and only a few friends know and even then none massively supportive as he’s such a good husband and dad they don’t understand.
You need to tell your parents. Worst case scenario is they are angry/disappointed/shun you but they will still want to see your children so can’t really do that. In fact they may surprise you if they are generally supportive and open people. You need to be able to talk to someone who isn’t your husband. You also need a safe space for if it gets to much that you can escape to. As does your husband. 🙄 at all the people judging… if the last few comments re: you cheating are true then it doesn’t make you a monster. It makes you human, you made a mistake. If your husband doesn’t know then you need to be honest. Especially if it was before you split. If your kids don’t know you have separated then again you both have to sit down and talk to them properly. Explain the situation and that you won’t be getting back together however you will continue to live in the house for now but that may change in the future. Let them ask as many questions as they need to. When your kids are babies everyone preaches “happy mum, happy baby”.. that doesn’t change just because they are older. In the short term your husband will be hurt, but in the long run he will be thankful you didn’t continue to live a lie. Especially if he meets someone else who makes him happy. You clearly did and do love him, even if you’re not in love any more or sexually attracted to him. You have kids together and don’t just switch that off.
Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 12:18

I would say that in the cases with our friends where one or the other parent has cheated the parents have decided to keep that from the children. To try and be mature about it and not make the kids feel that they have to take mummy’s side because daddy cheated or vice Versa. Not to mention that the OW or OM has become a permanent partner too - someone the kids now have in their lives.
My advice would be, once you have managed to sort out finances and agreed the splitting of the kids you try to separate so that you can both move on with your lives.

Newnamefor2022 · 17/01/2022 12:20

Your poor husband! You cheated on him and now he knows he's been living a lie for years. You can't help the latter but you could certainly have prevented the former!!

Laburnam · 17/01/2022 12:21

You have made your decision, you have had time to process your sexuality but now you must do what is right for your DH. He must be absolutely devastated, give him the respect he deserves by allowing him to start over.

Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 12:21

‘ I can’t even bring myself to tell my parents and only a few friends know and even then none massively supportive as he’s such a good husband and dad they don’t understand.’

He could be the best bloke in the world but if you’re gay and only find romantic and intimate fulfilment with a woman then it’s really got nothing to do with him.
Lots of people would prefer you to stay in the closet, I’m sure, mainly for their own fucked op reasons and convenience. Ignore them, be brave, speak up and get on with your life
I wish I could tell you your family will understand and stand by you, but my LGBT friends are probably spilt 50/50 when it comes to those who are close to their families and those who are shut out because of their sexuality.

Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 12:24

Your STBEX will
Find someone - as a good person, dad and the ‘victim’ here women will be all over him.
You kn the other hand are going to struggle
To find a woman who’ll accept that you still live with your DH…

WindInTheWillows7 · 17/01/2022 12:26

My opinion on this is totally different to what everyone else is posting here. However, from my experience on MN, I know that non-mainstream opinions are not acceptable and will get you verbally lynched, unfortunately. If you just want to be affirmed in your decision to divorce, you've got plenty of that here. If you want a different perspective I'm happy to DM you, but I don't think anyone who actually believes you could stay with your husband would dare poat publicly here.

phishy · 17/01/2022 12:27

It does read as if this is all about you and your DC.

There is not a single word of compassion for your DH.

You even only think about the hurt your DH is feeling in terms of its impact on the DC.

It would be much fairer on your DH and DC to make the split.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 17/01/2022 12:28

Have I missed something? Where does OP say she cheated?