To feel such bad guilt st splitting family to be gay?

[WorriedWilma123]

I am really struggling with the guilt of this.
I keep looking at divorce statistics and worrying I’m causing untold damage to my 2 children by coming out as gay and hurting their dad during their childhoods.
We will be living together for the foreseeable future mainly got financial reasons which whilst it’s lovely for the children in the respect they both have free access to a lot of time with either of us, it’s so hard for me to see everyday the pretty perfect family unit I have destroyed.
I keep trying to imagine going back to it and wondering if I would be able to - I feel so selfish feeling like this as I do love my husband but the thought of being anywhere near him intimately I can’t even imagine now as it’s been over a year as we’ve been separated fully; separated rooms etc since June last year.
Will the guilt ease or is the guilt telling me to make it work and the children will be happier with their unit back together?

Can't you move out to a place just big enough for you if you can't afford a family sized home? You see the children at the family home but you go home at night to your own space. It gives a clearer separation for all involved.

Is it the guilt that makes you feel you have to move out - why not DP.

@MrsToadflax

As other pp have said I really think your current living arrangements is what will cause the damage. It must be incredibly difficult for your DC seeing you in separate rooms, separate holidays etc. It is not a normal way to live. How long will it go on like this? What is the end point? Have you got a job? If not, are you training to get a job? Have you applied to the council if you can't afford a home? So many questions. If DC can't live with you due to circumstances, why can't they live with their dad until you get yourself sorted? He'll have to pay for childcare, but if youngest is 10 it's not like having toddlers to look after. You say you're worried about damaging them, but seem to be doing little to get them out of this damaging set-up.

I agree with this but the scenario you describe is slightly more complex as she also has a partner she sees but for some reason is refusing to acknowledge in this post. It can't be a good situation in that household.

This thread is nuts.

I went through something similar last year op, it was (and still is to an extent) awful. So hard. I empathise so much with the grief and devastation you must be feeling.

Do you have a long term solution to separating physically from your ex? Are you going through divorce proceedings? My husband also refused to move out which caused what could have been a more amicable separation to become completely toxic. The law does protect the financially weaker spouse, given you do all the childcare it would be expected that appropriate financial provision is put in place for you and the children. I don’t know your financial situation but there will be a way. There was for me (I was a SAHM) and there will be for you. It will be okay but you need to look at more long term options to allow you to move on emotionally.

Your children will be okay too. Mine are fine. Better in fact I think, than when they lived in a toxic, bitter environment where I was abjectly miserable.

Are you getting any support with coming to terms with your sexuality? I can recommend you a great therapist and some online support groups for people who realise they are gay later in life. They really helped me. Pm me if you like.

Sending you all the love and support. It will be really tough but everyone will come through it and be okay.

@WindInTheWillows7

My opinion on this is totally different to what everyone else is posting here. However, from my experience on MN, I know that non-mainstream opinions are not acceptable and will get you verbally lynched, unfortunately. If you just want to be affirmed in your decision to divorce, you've got plenty of that here. If you want a different perspective I'm happy to DM you, but I don't think anyone who actually believes you could stay with your husband would dare poat publicly here.

You're one of those pray away the gay types, aren't you?

Happiness isn’t easy but I think to come this far it’s obviously right

You need to move out op. Yes it’s normally the women who has the children but you cannot support them. It’s that simple feeling bad about it won’t change anything you need to actually get up and do something.

He has the house and the children, you get visitation you broke up the marriage but can’t keep being woe is me about it. We have to deal with the consequences of our actions wants and need. Regardless.

That’s madness - OP has said she does all the childcare, how could she just leave the dad with the kids?
The only reason the dad seems to be able to pay for the house and she can’t is because he works full time and she works around the children.
Marriages end all the time but if neither can’t or won’t move out cohabiting is quite common.

The op could come by the home and look after the children still. She just doesn’t want to move out because she feels entitled to be the one keeping the house that they get because of his wages.

The children are looked after, op gets freedom to explore her gf in private without having to live with her ex, he gets space away from her the children sleep in their normal rooms, mum still does all the stuff they are used to.

That would be much healthier for the whole household than this mess of living together they have now.

So the OP then has to stay on the part time wage so she can do all the school runs without ex husband actually having to pay for childcare like lots of parents do?
You don’t think the children would be upset seeing their mum turn up every morning to take them to school, collecting them from school and walking out the door at 6pm or whenever he rerturns from work?
From what I can see it’s not his house, or her house, it’s a rental house.
She can’t get another property because of her low wage - if ex husband meets someone else my money has it that he will quickly move in with her so then the OP would have well and truly shot herself in the foot living in a room just to please ex husband!

She doesn’t want to work more till the children are older either it was mentioned on her other thread.

Ok she leaves and he pays for childcare. Since his the only one that can actually house the children.

Just because she’s the women doesn’t make her entitled to be the one who keeps the house and children when apart from needing to arrange childcare his actually better placed to.

‘ Ok she leaves and he pays for childcare. Since his the only one that can actually house the children.

Just because she’s the women doesn’t make her entitled to be the one who keeps the house and children when apart from needing to arrange childcare his actually better placed to.’

No, and that’s why courts prefer the parents to work out an agreement that allows them to both have contact, equal as possible, with their children. Just because she’s gay doesn’t mean she has to lose her children and give them to the father.
Plenty of SAHMs separate from the father of the kids and don’t hand custody to the father. Why is this any different??

Completely agree with above poster!
The only reason he can afford the house is because he presumably has worked full time and they made a joint decision she wouldn’t to take care of the children.
I wonder if he would be able to afford the house with no assistance it he was shelling out hundreds a month in childcare?
Quite possibly not so therefore he’s then in no better position that she is!

@CovidConfused123

Completely agree with above poster! The only reason he can afford the house is because he presumably has worked full time and they made a joint decision she wouldn’t to take care of the children. I wonder if he would be able to afford the house with no assistance it he was shelling out hundreds a month in childcare? Quite possibly not so therefore he’s then in no better position that she is!

OP made it quite clear in her last thread she wasn't interested in working full time. I agree with the PP the the OP can't break up her family and then expect her husband to move out, especially as if I remember correctly, she said in the last thread her kids wanted to be with their dad. The OP is not interested in any advice in relation to getting a better job, improving income, finding alternative accommodation to allow her husband to remain in the home. The only thing she is interested in is her husband giving up his home and kids, moving out so she can continue her relationship with her affair partner. The repeated wide eyed naivety and woe is me stories are hard to believe when the OP is behaving so entitled

I can’t see anywhere where the kids want to stay with their dad.
She mentions 2 children and said one was coping well with the split and one wasn’t - very normal especially when additional needs involved and not a reason for a mother to move away from the house!
It’s not his house - it’s a rental house!
She can’t move out because they BOTH want her to look after the children in holidays etc -
As I said he probably couldn’t afford to run everything if he had to pay for childcare.
Just because it’s her choice to end the marriage that’s not the end of the relationship with her children or indeed her tenancy agreement!
The ex husband seems fo want his life just to remain the same too; working when he wants with random days off that mean it’s hard for her to work better hours but can keep up the how hard done by act he’s got at the minute.
Madness on this thread!

The outrage that a man wants to remain in the family home with his children. When it’s exactly what women expect everytime.

If op was willing for give and take it might be different but she wants everything her way only with no give. It’s a rental in his name at a guess since his the earner it’s his house. If she wants to leave or not live with him she is free to do so but she doesn’t want to because she’s being selfish.

She feels bad because gay straight or bi she’s the one whose caused the issue. I don’t care how her sexual needs are being taken care of although op seems to use this as some woe is me everyone should feel bad for me because I just realised I’m gay life is so hard now. It’s no different to if she met another man she cheated and wants to have her cake and eat it with no ramifications for her.