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Original poster

To feel such bad guilt st splitting family to be gay?

141 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 17/01/2022 09:06

I am really struggling with the guilt of this.
I keep looking at divorce statistics and worrying I’m causing untold damage to my 2 children by coming out as gay and hurting their dad during their childhoods.
We will be living together for the foreseeable future mainly got financial reasons which whilst it’s lovely for the children in the respect they both have free access to a lot of time with either of us, it’s so hard for me to see everyday the pretty perfect family unit I have destroyed.
I keep trying to imagine going back to it and wondering if I would be able to - I feel so selfish feeling like this as I do love my husband but the thought of being anywhere near him intimately I can’t even imagine now as it’s been over a year as we’ve been separated fully; separated rooms etc since June last year.
Will the guilt ease or is the guilt telling me to make it work and the children will be happier with their unit back together?

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 17/01/2022 14:05

I’m just not coping with the guilt I’ve broken my children’s home.
I’m not going to go back over the other threads as it’s not helpful.
Financially I can’t leave and give the children a stable home for when they’re with me and he doesn’t want that anyway, he doesn’t want the kids living between 2 houses:
So it’s a decision we’ve both made for the time being as I do all the childcare and he can’t due to his job.

OP posts:
Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 14:09

‘People find it hard to understand how someone couldn't know they were gay. Maybe that's something that needs to be talked about more as I didn't know that could happen.’

Literally happens all the time.

Many children learn, directly or indirectly, that only men and women should have sex with each other. Heterosexuality is taught as the norm. If your sexual orientation doesn’t align with that dictate, you might repress your feelings in order to avoid rejection, to fit in, to not disappoint your parents, your family. Section 28 was in force from 1988 to 2003. That’s a lot of years making gay kids feel they were abnormal and wrong. People Come out later in life all the time, and not because they just like to mess things up for their families. Homophobia is rife

You only have to look at some of the comments on here to see that. If OP
Had said she had fallen out of love with her DH and couldn’t see herself being intimate with him would people be queuing up to tell her she’d ruined his life??

Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 14:25

‘ but I don't think anyone who actually believes you could stay with your husband would dare poat publicly here.’

Why the F would any half sane person tell a gay woman to stay in her heterosexual marriage to a man for the sake of, what? The kids? Convention? God?
Get a grip. The reason no-one is telling someone who wants to end a marriage to stay in that marriage is because they know that it’s not the 1960s and a woman unhappy in her marriage doesn’t have to suck it up and stay miserable for the sake of convention.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 17/01/2022 14:51

It’s just the guilt

OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 17/01/2022 14:58

@AlternativePerspective

Why are you posting this again?

In this post you have omitted to mention that the reason you are leaving your husband is because you had an affair with the OW you are planning to leave him for.

Being gay is a red herring.

You cheated on your husband. That’s no different whether it was with another man or a woman. And chances are that if your children find out they will have negative feelings towards you not because of your sexuality but because you cheated on their father.

Gosh, this kind of changes things a bit. OP has cheated ( whether with a man or woman) and hasn't just been wrestling with her sexuality. Disappointing, I'm a staunch believer that if things aren't going well with your partner ( for whatever reason) you either have a good go at sorting it out or end the relationship before having an affair with someone else.
phishy · 17/01/2022 15:09

It doesn't sound like OP cheated, from the post shared upthread. She went for a coffee with a woman after husband told her to do what she wanted.

Glitterygreen · 17/01/2022 15:45

I just don't think you're ever going to be able to move on and feel better until you break this status quo OP.

It was extremely tough for my DP when he split from his ex too. He had to move back in with his parents and didn't get to see his children every day anymore, but with time and space they all came through it and out the other side. Things are better for both parents and children now that they're not constantly niggling at each other and trying to force something that just wasn't there anymore.

I understand you feel guilty but you need to try and move past this. You are still a good mother who is doing her best for her children. You don't sound like your mindset has moved on much from your last thread, but you need to try and get out of this headspace. What's done is done and plenty of parents split up along the way. You will all be fine.

AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 17:12

@WorriedWilma123

I didn’t post the details on this thread because as it shows without even doing so it completely takes over. I didn’t have an affair. I told him I was gay and we separated. Everyone said I was having an affair with her before this point because she was a friend but I WAS NOT. She told me she was in love with me and after I realised I felt the same I told my husband, had counselling, cut contact and then last summer we sat down and decided to separate as my feelings hadn’t changed. He told the children I was gay so to all those asking that, there is no pretence, the kids are fully aware of that fact.
But you refer to her as your partner?
AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 17:14

@WorriedWilma123

I’m just not coping with the guilt I’ve broken my children’s home. I’m not going to go back over the other threads as it’s not helpful. Financially I can’t leave and give the children a stable home for when they’re with me and he doesn’t want that anyway, he doesn’t want the kids living between 2 houses: So it’s a decision we’ve both made for the time being as I do all the childcare and he can’t due to his job.
I’m not going to go back over the other threads as it’s not helpful

but relevant

Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 17:17

OP has repeatedly said she hasn’t cheated. But even if she had, then what? She’s supposed to stay with a bloke because of that??

AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 17:37

@draramallama

The end of any relationship is sad and painful. But you can't live a life without experiencing sadness or pain - they're temporary and survivable emotions.

If the op had simply posted that she had fallen out of love with her husband and it wasn't salvageable, she wouldn't be condemned like she has been by some here. What difference does it make that she realised she had fallen out of love with him because she was gay?

She says she didn't cheat - fair enough. She has agreed to live separately with her H in the same home and that has been a year now but refers to her girlfriend and partner so there IS another relationship there .

Her question however is about her guilt which no one can answer for her!

SammyScrounge · 17/01/2022 22:50

@Justilou1

I’m nearly 50 and a lot of my friends (older and younger) have “changed teams” or told me that they are actually bi. We have discussed the possibility that maybe some women were straight and actually changed over time. (Hormonal changes, maybe?) Who knows? The world is a different place to the one we were in two years ago, let alone ten or twenty. Your sexuality isn’t going to affect your kids. Your behaviour and mental health will though. How you break up and how you coparent will as well. There is no such thing as a perfect family. All families have secrets, resentments and arguments. Some are worse than others. If you are honest with yourself and leave your husband to find happiness with someone who can truly love him the way he needs, surely that can only benefit your kids. Your kids will grow up in an environment with at least one parent who is “safe” to discuss their own identity issues with if they realise that they are not straight too.
Why on earth would the children have 'identity issues' if they realise that they are not straight too'
Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 07:06

Having a relationship while living with your ex will never be ideal, esp. if the break up isn’t really mutual.

Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 08:52

Is there anyone with kids in a no fault relationship breakup who doesn’t feel a bit guilty ??
A good friend’s b’tard of a DH had an affair with a 21 year old co-worker when friend had just given birth to their 2nd child. She gave him a 2nd chance and decided that actually she deserved better so dumped him.
He was furious as he had ‘generously’ given up the girlfriend to give their relationship a go and blames my friend for their split.
She STILL feels a bit guilty about being the one to split up the family unit.

Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 08:53

If you can feel guilty dumping a cheat, you can certainly feel guilty when there’s been no cheating and in a sense ( being gay) ther was no other choice for this relationship.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 18/01/2022 09:09

I think it’s because I continuously see the love between him and the children, the kids adore him.
I adore him; I just can’t shift the feeling of knowing what I do now that I could never get things back on track.
I would be terrified of this happening again at a later date and having to cause the damage all over again to him and the kids.

OP posts:
Oblomov22 · 18/01/2022 09:16

Are you the same poster as before? Who married woman told you she loved you?
Because on this thread you say you had no idea you were gay. But that's not what was said in the old thread.

Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 09:24

OP - tough though it is you need to find a way to separate from your ex. Living together is not healthy and his being a great parent doesn’t make him right for you, esp if you are gay.
He deserves to have a fulfilling, intimate relationship, as do you.
You can still be friends if you get through the divorce unscathed.
And you’ll be co-parents for a long time

Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 09:25

You’ll feel A lot less guilty when you don’t wake up to him every morning

Mistyplanet · 18/01/2022 09:41

This reply has been deleted

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Covidclaire · 18/01/2022 09:50

I don’t think your sexuality is relevant here OP. But I think you need to consider very carefully how confusing it is for kids when their parents split up but remain living together. That constant hope that they will get back together will be more difficult to manage.

I think it’s also much harder for your husband to move on with his life. His feelings matter too.

MrsToadflax · 18/01/2022 10:02

As other pp have said I really think your current living arrangements is what will cause the damage. It must be incredibly difficult for your DC seeing you in separate rooms, separate holidays etc. It is not a normal way to live. How long will it go on like this? What is the end point? Have you got a job? If not, are you training to get a job? Have you applied to the council if you can't afford a home? So many questions. If DC can't live with you due to circumstances, why can't they live with their dad until you get yourself sorted? He'll have to pay for childcare, but if youngest is 10 it's not like having toddlers to look after. You say you're worried about damaging them, but seem to be doing little to get them out of this damaging set-up.

housemaus · 18/01/2022 10:02

@Mistyplanet

You've still got a chance to repair your family. You got married to a man so you couldn't have been gay at that time, you've just allowed yourself to be experimental and now decided you prefer women. Its all just lust and desire. Anyone can chase after a fantasy but use your brain- what will being gay actually achieve? You'll mess up your kids childhoods and what if your new relationship doesnt work out? Life isnt about following your desires on a whim. People who chase desires are unsuccesful. People who sacrifice and do whats best for their whole family are successful in my book. You should stay true to your vows and apologise to your husband and start thinking about how you can serve your family which you chose and created rather than ditching them all and pursuing some random woman you fancy.
Reported, you vile bigot and/or troll.
Isaw3ships · 18/01/2022 10:06

@Mistyplanet
Get. A. Grip.
Are you a good botherer??? ‘Stay true to your vows’ ?? WTAF
‘ what will being gay actually achieve? ’ -
Your homophobia isn’t welcome here. It’s literally ‘Why be happy when you can be normal.’

I can tell you what being gay has actually achieved for me - being happy, content, true to myself and building a life with a woman who I love and respect. I think most gay people would say they e ‘achieved’ something similar.