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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel such bad guilt st splitting family to be gay?

141 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 17/01/2022 09:06

I am really struggling with the guilt of this.
I keep looking at divorce statistics and worrying I’m causing untold damage to my 2 children by coming out as gay and hurting their dad during their childhoods.
We will be living together for the foreseeable future mainly got financial reasons which whilst it’s lovely for the children in the respect they both have free access to a lot of time with either of us, it’s so hard for me to see everyday the pretty perfect family unit I have destroyed.
I keep trying to imagine going back to it and wondering if I would be able to - I feel so selfish feeling like this as I do love my husband but the thought of being anywhere near him intimately I can’t even imagine now as it’s been over a year as we’ve been separated fully; separated rooms etc since June last year.
Will the guilt ease or is the guilt telling me to make it work and the children will be happier with their unit back together?

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 17/01/2022 12:29

Do your children know you are separated?

AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 12:37

@WorriedWilma123

Financially we can’t live apart for a while. There’s just no way. It’s not maintaining a perfect family set up though - we have led completely separate lives since last summer including holidays with the children. I feel so lost.

You say there is no intention to bring in new partners? Why can't you holiday together as co parenting? Are children aware of the fact that you are not "together"? If so what have you told them? The gay bit is irrelevant really.

Comedycook · 17/01/2022 12:48

Plenty of children have divorced parents...it's not the worse thing in the world particularly if you co parent amicably.

You owe it to your dh...he only has one life and deserves to find someone who can love him fully...as do you.

SmithofSilver · 17/01/2022 12:48

@AlternativePerspective

Why are you posting this again?

In this post you have omitted to mention that the reason you are leaving your husband is because you had an affair with the OW you are planning to leave him for.

Being gay is a red herring.

You cheated on your husband. That’s no different whether it was with another man or a woman. And chances are that if your children find out they will have negative feelings towards you not because of your sexuality but because you cheated on their father.

I was going to ask if this was the poster that had an ongoing affair with another woman and was telling her husband the gory details of how she was falling in love with her.

OP you really need to go to counseling, I don't know if you are homophobic or what your issues are that but they run deep, too deep for continual posts on mumsnet to be able to solve.

draramallama · 17/01/2022 12:48

@Arethechildreninbedyet

Have I missed something? Where does OP say she cheated?

People are deliberately misrepresenting an earlier thread to try and justify attacking the op.

What the op actually said clearly shows she didn't cheat. It also shows that those accusing her of preventing her husband from moving on are mistaken.

So unfortunately me meeting someone new was how I realised I was gay.
She was also married however is now divorced.
I told him way before I even went out for coffee with her as anything more than friends - at that point he wanted us to stay together and said to do what I wanted outside the marriage but he didn’t want to know.
This however didn’t last long as I couldn’t live like that out of guilt for him so took a long time on my own to see if i could make the marriage work but I wasn’t able to.

People are just making shit up to justify their homophobic attacks on the op.

whumpthereitis · 17/01/2022 12:50

I think it’s disingenuous to say that if mum is living her best life then the children will be happy (or words to that effect). No one can say that the children will look back and be happy that their parents split and consider that it was ‘all for the best’, they could equally look back and feel angry, betrayed, and bitter. You can never dictate, or predict, how other people will view things, even if those people are your own children.

OP, I also remember your last thread. You cheated on your husband, continued the relationship in front of him while he tried to get to grips with the bombshell you dropped on him, and expected him to be the one to move out. The gay realization is irrelevant to this, and it’s not a justification for your actions. You behaved horribly towards your family, it’s no wonder you feel guilty. You should.

draramallama · 17/01/2022 12:51

I was going to ask if this was the poster that had an ongoing affair with another woman and was telling her husband the gory details of how she was falling in love with her.

That's not what the thread I just went to read says. Maybe you're the one with issues if you feel the need to twist things like that.

I wouldn't normally quote someone's previous thread, but with other posters slinging mud and misrepresenting what was actually said it seemed necessary.

draramallama · 17/01/2022 12:53

whumpthereitis

Posters either have memory problems or reading comprehension problems because that isn't what the other thread describes.

SmithofSilver · 17/01/2022 12:55

@draramallama

I was going to ask if this was the poster that had an ongoing affair with another woman and was telling her husband the gory details of how she was falling in love with her.

That's not what the thread I just went to read says. Maybe you're the one with issues if you feel the need to twist things like that.

I wouldn't normally quote someone's previous thread, but with other posters slinging mud and misrepresenting what was actually said it seemed necessary.

Maybe it isn't the same poster then but there was a poster not too long ago eaten up with guilt, gay, cheating on her husband and coming home and telling him about it. Honestly I do have issues with liars, cheaters and I have issues with people using their partners for money as that poster was. If they aren't the same poster then apologies, perhaps they can dm each other as they seem to be in very similar situations and maybe they can help each other out.

Arethechildreninbedyet · 17/01/2022 12:56

@draramallama thank you for explaining! I thought I was going mad!

I don’t think that’s cheating OP and I think you’re getting an unfair ride here. You were open and honest about your expectations and needs and he extended his boundaries to allow you to explore that.

Regardless, even if you cheated, that’s not a life sentence. People make mistakes and bad choices and yes it is shitty, shitty behaviour that doesn’t make you a bad person or any less worthy of happiness. The gender with whom that is is irrelevant.

Autumndays123 · 17/01/2022 12:58

I remember OP. She had an affair with a woman and a couple of weeks ago when she posted about this she did have a partner with whom she was carrying on a sexual relationship whilst still living with her husband. She also wanted the husband to move out of his home and was asking advice because he didn't want to go and it would be easier for her financially if he did.

OP you're clearly still tormenting yourself since the last time you posted, so I don't know how still living at home is going to work. You need to own your affair (as you were still denying it in the last thread despite meeting someone, falling on love with them, then telling your husband and assuming that gave you the green light to start the sexual side of the relationship), own the fact that yes you did hurt your kids and husband and then start thinking where you all want to be in five years - I can't imagine it's doing what you're doing now

AlwaysinaFlap · 17/01/2022 12:58

OK I am confused - on another thread on Sat you said you have a partner you see. Not what you say on here @WorriedWilma123

If he happens to be cooking a Sunday dinner for instance this is when I will go out to see partner and he eats with the kids

MrsJaxTellerPlease · 17/01/2022 12:58

Why on earth do you think your children will be damaged due to divorce? Children are damaged due to neglect, abuse, lazy parenting. Divorce in and of itself will not damage children.

Candyfloss99 · 17/01/2022 13:01

You need to split up properly. Living seperate lives in the same house is such a bad example to show your children. This will mess them up more than anything else.

whumpthereitis · 17/01/2022 13:03

If a man found himself falling for a friend (who was declaring their willingness to have a relationship!) outside of his marriage that would be widely considered an emotional affair. It’s no different if a woman does it.

Original poster

WorriedWilma123 · 17/01/2022 13:05

I didn’t post the details on this thread because as it shows without even doing so it completely takes over.
I didn’t have an affair.
I told him I was gay and we separated.
Everyone said I was having an affair with her before this point because she was a friend but I WAS NOT.
She told me she was in love with me and after I realised I felt the same I told my husband, had counselling, cut contact and then last summer we sat down and decided to separate as my feelings hadn’t changed.
He told the children I was gay so to all those asking that, there is no pretence, the kids are fully aware of that fact.

OP posts:

Isaw3ships · 17/01/2022 13:06

Trying to have a new relationship while living with an ex like this is very, wry tricky. I know 2 people who e done this - one was fine because the split was mutual and they lived together, separately with kids in house, for over a year but the children did find it confusing. As in why did the parents. We’d to split when they got on so well.
The other was an absolute shitshow, with one partner making the decision re end of relationship when the other wanted to stay together and then finding someone new while they all lived in the same house. That divorce is now absolutely toxic because of the resentment.
Best thing is to try to make a clean break as soon as financially possible - who did what when and why is really irrelevant now.
What is not irrelevant ( despite some posters on her saying it is!) is the fact that you are gay - it the whole impetus for what has happened and in time your DH will look back on what has happened and realise that there wasn’t much he could have done about it and hopefully, it will help him move on.

Autumndays123 · 17/01/2022 13:08

@AlwaysinaFlap

OK I am confused - on another thread on Sat you said you have a partner you see. Not what you say on here *@WorriedWilma123*

If he happens to be cooking a Sunday dinner for instance this is when I will go out to see partner and he eats with the kids

Yes there is a lot of info omitted in this thread. If I remember rightly, neither the OP nor the husband had anywhere to go and she wanted the husband to move out anyway because she wouldn't be able to get a rental agreement with the income she had. She refused to listen to any advice on increasing income/moving with friends/moving to a bedsit/even a temporary shelter, despite the fact her kids were really really struggling with the situation - her son in particular who wanted to stay with his dad.

kateluvscats · 17/01/2022 13:15

@Tal45

To be honest I think the guilt should be towards your husband as well, he married you and had two children with you having no idea (I assume) that you were gay. If you're gay then don't marry someone of the opposite sex, if you're not sure if you're gay don't marry anyone - it's really not that difficult. He's now trapped financially living with the person he thought loved him and that he was building a life with in some kind of limbo, with no opportunity to meet someone who really wants to be with him.

I've been in a similar situation and it sucks. You say you can't imagine being intimate with him but you managed to when you wanted kids with him. I feel really sorry for your husband and I really wish people wouldn't get married unless they were completely sure it was what they wanted.

Agree

2bazookas · 17/01/2022 13:21

Youngest is 10; why can't you just house-share as family until they are 18/leave home.

There is no need for children to know about or be involved with any relationships either parent conducts in private outside the home.

Applesonthelawn · 17/01/2022 13:22

If you can work hard to co-parent well and respectfully with their father, the damage will likely be very minimal, if anything at all, and potentially far less than staying with him. It's not so much the splitting up as how you do it. It may be hard initially to be friends but after a year you should be able to. Find someone's example to copy or develop your own template if you can't. It really doesn't have to be full of bitterness, hurt and recriminations, it's in your hands.

TedMullins · 17/01/2022 13:27

To all the holier than thou posters chastising the OP for ever getting married if she wasn't sure –just stop. Plenty of people are sure when they get married, then their feelings change down the line. Making marriage vows is not a cast iron guarantee that you'll be together forever and always feel the same. People break up for many reasons, being gay is no worse than any other reason someone might want to leave a marriage.

The OP and her ex husband BOTH deserve to live their lives happily. I agree that bringing in new partners should not be the priority, and that living together is not healthy or conducive to a separation, and I do tend to agree that the person ending the relationship should be the one to leave the home. I don't think that the OP being gay though makes this any worse than any other split. I haven't read previous threads but from the information given here it seems OP came clean to her husband about the other woman she had feelings for. No, it's not great, but it's hardly the crime of the century.

XelaM · 17/01/2022 13:33

My best friend's parents divorced when she was a baby, but remained living together at the family home (just in separate rooms) and both had other partners over the years. It worked well for them. Over 30 years later and all their kids out of the house, they still live together - just separate lives.

RealBecca · 17/01/2022 13:33

Not being funny but you've already split up so why torture yourself over numbers?

Even if you could enter a male-female relationship with the kids dad again it wouldn't mean he would want a relationship with someone who is not into him.

Imo the on-off factor is worse for kids.

MimiDaisy11 · 17/01/2022 13:36

If the op had simply posted that she had fallen out of love with her husband and it wasn't salvageable, she wouldn't be condemned like she has been by some here. What difference does it make that she realised she had fallen out of love with him because she was gay?

People find it hard to understand how someone couldn't know they were gay. Maybe that's something that needs to be talked about more as I didn't know that could happen. And so if they don't accept that they see dishonesty.

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