To feel so angry and resentful towards my own son?

[Secondnightblue]

I’m really on one tonight. 14 month old DS sleeps terribly and has for months upon months on end. There is no end in sight. Every ten weeks or so he suddenly starts sleeping well and this lasts for five nights then reverts back. These glimmers of hope seem set to torture me.

I adored DS when I had him but I feel like these feelings are vanishing amidst resentment. I’m so bloody tired and fed up. It isn’t just tiredness more sick of being ‘on duty’ ALL the time. It’s like an exhausting job with no breaks or sleep. And of course you get this as a newborn but I didn’t think that this would last this long. Ideally wanted to conceive again but those plans are
Going out of the window. Constant horrible arguments with DH about it.

I’m just venting not looking for advice.

When you don’t go in to him how long is it taking for him to fall back to sleep?
It he having a bit of a shout and a grumble ? Or is it full blown hysterics like the world is ending?

Co sleeping didnt work for us either, nobody sleeps
We did do cry it out - she was crying because she didn't want to be in bed. I didnt just ignore all crying forever I usually gave her 5 mins and went back in or if the distress appeard to increase went back in. I did also try the staying in the room and powly increasing distance thing but it didnt help she would just scream while we were in the room. Tried to not pick her up if no obvious problem, just reassure whole she stays in bed. It worked eventually but not overnight, not 100% as we still even at 3 get the odd cry in the middle of the night and no idea what it's about but we go in everytime now because we know it isn't just a protest at being in bed like it originally was and she normally does go back to sleep fairly quickly. Different things work for different people. I Hope you figure out what works for you

I co-slept until DD was about 13/14 months old and got to the point of not wanting to have a hot, thrashing, sharp clawed child alongside me! I hear you on that point.
The thing that worked for us was DD going into her own room and DH going in. DD was still breastfed at that point and DH's lack in that department meant she wasn't really interested in seeing him so quite quickly decided it wasn't worth the effort.
Your DS sounds like quite a highly strung child at night and the disruption and lack of sleep is so wearing.
Maybe you and your DH need to sit down and come up with a plan to get through the nights. Your DS will eventually sleep through, but it might be some time yet and you sound very fed up.

Uponmytiptoes - please could you link some?
I haven't found any credible ones so far, despite many modern parenting manuals saying there are.
I co-sleeep, for reference, but I feel v uncomfortable criticising others when there isn't enough data

I find it bizarre how people say they can’t coslesp (I did with one not the other as you can see in my PP we did CIO in the end). But in India other Eastern countries it’s the norm for the entire flipping family to cosleep! I literally don’t know any kids even of my generation who didn’t - I slept with my grandmother until I was 10!

Why not get DH to cosleep/look after the wbaby one night get yourself into a hotel and sleep. Then you put a plan into place whether your CIO decide to cosleep etc or get a sleep trainer in

@RenGreen

I find it bizarre how people say they can’t coslesp (I did with one not the other as you can see in my PP we did CIO in the end). But in India other Eastern countries it’s the norm for the entire flipping family to cosleep! I literally don’t know any kids even of my generation who didn’t - I slept with my grandmother until I was 10!

Why not get DH to cosleep/look after the wbaby one night get yourself into a hotel and sleep. Then you put a plan into place whether your CIO decide to cosleep etc or get a sleep trainer in

I guess they're set up for it better though, floor beds etc, or that they've got somewhere else for their partner to sleep. If everyone's got more space it's easier to co sleep successfully. Also sometimes co sleeping might not help the child to sleep more. Mine used to scream blue murder if I tried to take her into my bed, no idea why. That's why I couldn't co sleep!

I feel sorry for the OP, as this thread is turning into a predictable spat between parents with very different approaches to babies and sleep. Must be even more confusing and upsetting.

I find it bizarre how people say they can’t cosleep

Why do you find it bizarre? I fucking hate whenever I mention sleep and people mention co sleeping. My baby hates being in bed with me and would wake every 20 minutes, it’s horrifically uncomfortable, we don’t have room for my partner to sleep elsewhere... the list goes on.

It’s not unreasonable to want suggestions for baby in their own bed.

Hang in there, it will get better and you are doing a great job. Snapping and snarling, sounds familiar and is not ideal but I’m sure you and every other couple with a young baby are going through similar ( I know we are! And same with the pushing and pulling on planning a second DC we must be mad). No one likes to talk about how crap it can be sometimes, the dread of 10pm and constant sleepy head fog. I think there is a huge amount of mum guilt we all feel if we are finding it hard, like we should all be naturally brilliant at it, but it’s just not how it is. I second other voices that say people have widely different experiences and some babies are more difficult than others (no less lovely but difficult all the same!). Anyway just wanted to say, one day the sleep deprivation will be a distant memory x

I feel sorry for the OP, as this thread is turning into a predictable spat between parents with very different approaches to babies and sleep. Must be even more confusing and upsetting

Me too

Sorry to hear this OP but sleep training is the answer. My baby slept through from 6 months. #winning. But then went on hols when he was 15 months and sleep went out the window. Combination of new time zones, teething, different room etc. When we got back to UK totally sleep deprived and regretting the holiday we thought we'd broken our baby. Waking up 4, 5 times a night, and needing us to be in his room in order to fall asleep. We were bickering, and stressed, and definitely not in a good place as a result. I contacted a sleep nanny who charged £75 for a one hour consultation and advice. Within 3 nights he was back to normal. Falls asleep on his own within 10 mins. I honestly do not understand parents who complain about no sleep but refuse to sleep train. It's the definition of madness isn't it. Keep doing what you're doing, keep getting what you're getting... I haven't spoken to a single parent who has regretted sleep training. Good luck! Can share sleep nanny details if you like.

The importance of maternal mental health cannot be emphasised enough.

As I have said upthread if you have a downstairs room where you can take a break from your baby and go upstairs for the sleep you desperately need then do so.

The ridiculous catastrophising from some posters with what ifs of your house burning down in that time is a paranoia not worth a response. For those paranoid posters it might be worth you ringing the fire brigade in advance of your much needed sleep and telling them your plan and you might ask them the statistics of the likelihood your house will burn down in the meantime?!

As for the danger of vomiting, take in turns being on watch/ standby so one of you gets a total nights' rest.

There are many of us with well balanced, happy now adult children who coslept until 6 months then sleep trained and did not do all this ridiculous getting up in the night with the baby because we had responsible jobs, other DC to look after, businesses to run, animals to feed and life does not and cannot 100% revolve around just one!!

If your mental health and relationship is suffering then you have your answer.

@Tarne

The importance of maternal mental health cannot be emphasised enough.

As I have said upthread if you have a downstairs room where you can take a break from your baby and go upstairs for the sleep you desperately need then do so.

The ridiculous catastrophising from some posters with what ifs of your house burning down in that time is a paranoia not worth a response. For those paranoid posters it might be worth you ringing the fire brigade in advance of your much needed sleep and telling them your plan and you might ask them the statistics of the likelihood your house will burn down in the meantime?!

As for the danger of vomiting, take in turns being on watch/ standby so one of you gets a total nights' rest.

There are many of us with well balanced, happy now adult children who coslept until 6 months then sleep trained and did not do all this ridiculous getting up in the night with the baby because we had responsible jobs, other DC to look after, businesses to run, animals to feed and life does not and cannot 100% revolve around just one!!

If your mental health and relationship is suffering then you have your answer.

I wouldn’t phrase it like this but 100% agree with the sentiment. Go talk to someone who only has YOUR best interests at heart- take their advice. You can only parent well if you have sleep. Good luck 🤞

I started sleep training at 14 months because I couldn’t cope with the lack of sleep any longer. It worked within 2 days, he started sleeping consistently 12 hours a night . It wasn’t traumatising, I think I did gradual retreat. It wasn’t the case that he was simply ignored and left to cry, he was comforted but I made it clear that I was bed time and time to be in the cot (you can make simple explanations to them at this age as they can understand far more than they can verbalise).

I think it's also a bit different as they get older and understand more.

We also tried co-sleeping and it worked between the ages of 8-11 months. After that he just jumped on top of our heads until the early hours of the morning. Co-sleeping is not the holy grail for everyone.

Simple answer - you're exhausted. It will pass.

Co-sleeping was a disaster for us with DTs, the starfishes, fidgeted, moved all night, no one got any sleep. It's not the magic bullet.