To feel so angry and resentful towards my own son?

[Secondnightblue]

I’m really on one tonight. 14 month old DS sleeps terribly and has for months upon months on end. There is no end in sight. Every ten weeks or so he suddenly starts sleeping well and this lasts for five nights then reverts back. These glimmers of hope seem set to torture me.

I adored DS when I had him but I feel like these feelings are vanishing amidst resentment. I’m so bloody tired and fed up. It isn’t just tiredness more sick of being ‘on duty’ ALL the time. It’s like an exhausting job with no breaks or sleep. And of course you get this as a newborn but I didn’t think that this would last this long. Ideally wanted to conceive again but those plans are
Going out of the window. Constant horrible arguments with DH about it.

I’m just venting not looking for advice.

I sleep trained DS, he was about 15 months or so. But it only worked because my DH was working with me on it. We didn't just shut the door and leave him, we'd go in and rub his back, shush him etc but no eye contact, no picking up. Thankfully after 3 nights he got it. And though he's now 10 he calls me if he needs me and I go. He's not abandoned 🙄

This will sound utterly ridiculous but saved my friend. Set up a camp bed in a garage/shed with plenty of blankets etc and alternate with your DH. She got a full undisturbed sleep every other night. Your DH will have to deal with his DS alone 24/7 half of every week if you split over this anyway. Remind him that.
Mine slept well but they never ever ever came into our bed and I wasn't afraid to let them cry a bit. I needed that physical break. I also went back to work pt early on which helped massively generally.
Now 19 and 16 and all bonded well enough.
Is he meeting his milestones?

Ds was a shocking sleeper waking every 1.5 hours as a baby then not sleeping through until 2 yrs then up for the day at 5am.
I must admit now that this caused pnd and I struggled to bond for the 1st year.
I absolutely love my son he's 8 now but I won't be having another.

See @MiniCooperLover there have been brief (very brief) interims where that’s worked with ds but then he reverts to acting like you’re wanting him to do a fourteen hour stint down the mines, not being put back in a cot.

I’ve been trying various gentle sleep methods since he was six months and they don’t make a difference and I’m afraid I’ve become a little cynical as to the effectiveness as a result. I suppose in other words I think some people have a child who will respond and some people have a child who won’t.

@Secondnightblue

See *@MiniCooperLover* there have been brief (very brief) interims where that’s worked with ds but then he reverts to acting like you’re wanting him to do a fourteen hour stint down the mines, not being put back in a cot.

I’ve been trying various gentle sleep methods since he was six months and they don’t make a difference and I’m afraid I’ve become a little cynical as to the effectiveness as a result. I suppose in other words I think some people have a child who will respond and some people have a child who won’t.

Doesn't sound like you're being consistent with the training.

They will react worse to the sleep training on about day 3/4/5 because they start to understand that you're serious and that the change of routine is there to stay. You need to push past this, unfortunately this is where many people decide 'it's not working' and give up. Shame because they're actually very close to cracking it.

Well, whatever really. I’m sure it is my fault but it doesn’t make it any less fucking hideous.

OP I don't know if our experience may help. DS was always very active from 6pm to about midnight as a tiny baby. And then always slept for 6 solid hours. The problems started when we started to put him to bed at about 7.30pm, you know like normal babies. He had lots of fresh air and stimulation in the day time and stopping his nap (2pm to 4pm) did not help.

There was night after night when he would wake up somewhere between 12.30 and 2 and then demand attention for about 4 hours. Co-sleeping just made him want more attention and was frankly hideous.

At about 18 months or so and after months and months of this our respective mothers comments that neither of us had been good sleepers finally sunk in. There was a slow realisation (helped by a Hugh Jolly book chapter) that this baby just did not need much sleep.

We adjusted his bed time to 10.30pm, which also meant he usually saw daddy between 9pm and 10.30pm and got a hug and play with him. It meant my usual waking hours were harder but when put down at 10.30pm he would sleep reliably until 5.30 (a bit later in the winter). He was so much easier to deal with if I could have 6/7 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

He has never needed more than 10.30 to 7 - even as a teenager.

Life became much easier when we went with the flow.

Oh just read that properly - DAY 3/4/5. Try WEEK 3/4/5!

@Secondnightblue

Well, whatever really. I’m sure it is my fault but it doesn’t make it any less fucking hideous.

Commit to changing the situation!

Or carry on being miserable and resentful. I don't care.

It may be worth a try @RosesAndHellebores but tbh I’m not sure it’s that. He definitely doesn’t fall asleep easily - I know some babies who will nod off in their high chairs or the floor but he doesn’t. However he will go to sleep when you put him in bed. And he is tired. Just wakes all the time.

One of the problems we do have is he rubs his eyes frantically, knocks his dummy out, then starts thrashing around frantically looking for it and wakes himself up!

Yeah like I’ve said @vbacschmebac I’ve tried. If you’re wanting to be helpful, you’re not, tbh. If you’re wanting to make me feel even more wrung out and miserable, as well as trying to out me, you’re succeeding.

Also please please don't 'sleep train'. There's plenty of studies to show how damaging it is. It's just neglect and is very outdated

What a ridiculous statement. Damaging is having a parent who resents you and can’t think straight because she’s so exhausted. Sleep training doesn’t necessarily mean ‘cry it out’

Sleep training isn’t personally for me, but my baby isn’t making my tear my hair out.

Mine has always just wanted to sleep in my bed. It's worth it because then I get a full night's sleep. The reason there are breaks where he sleeps well is likely because he has something going on the rest of the time. At 14 months is he possibly teething? Try some baby ibuprofen and liquid anbesol if so, he can't sleep with a sore mouth, plus a chew toy like the brush baby toothbrush, monkey or sophie that he can use for molars. If not, then is it periods of illness?

Several dummies in the cot? Popper one to his babygro using a piece of ribbon?

@Secondnightblue

Yeah like I’ve said *@vbacschmebac* I’ve tried. If you’re wanting to be helpful, you’re not, tbh. If you’re wanting to make me feel even more wrung out and miserable, as well as trying to out me, you’re succeeding.

I'm not trying to out you.

I genuinely think you need to change something because you can't carry on like you are.

Anyway, I don't know you from Adam, so I'll bow out.

The breaks are literally just a few days, though. This is what DH keeps insisting, that he is teething. He doesn’t seem remotely bothered by it during the day though.

We had a frankly horrendous patch between October and the beginning of the year where it may have been illness, he seemed to have an almost permanent cold from nursery. That has now gone and there were five blissful days of sleep and I thought … great, we’ve come through the worst but now he seems to have reverted back.

Have you had his ears checked. And yes teeth may be an issue at this stage.

Sorry, just saw your cosleep posts. Personally I wrap DS in a separate sheet and me in the duvet, so his tossing around doesn't result in unexpected kicks (unless he gets cold, then he sticks feet under my duvet). If you don't want to do it then you don't, but in that case I'd focus on what's upsetting him and its most likely teething. (Give drugs if so, all the drugs gives a sleeping boy...)

@Secondnightblue

It may be worth a try *@RosesAndHellebores* but tbh I’m not sure it’s that. He definitely doesn’t fall asleep easily - I know some babies who will nod off in their high chairs or the floor but he doesn’t. However he will go to sleep when you put him in bed. And he is tired. Just wakes all the time.

One of the problems we do have is he rubs his eyes frantically, knocks his dummy out, then starts thrashing around frantically looking for it and wakes himself up!

I sympathise as my DS was a terrible sleeper when he was young. The dummy was the problem. As you say they lose it and wake up as they can't find it. I would suggest getting rid of it. After a few horrible nights, they learn to sleep without it and don't wake up in night. Or if they wake up they can get themselves back to sleep as don't need the dummy.

I used to line several dummies up in the cot, above their heads and they would reach up for them.

One of the problems we do have is he rubs his eyes frantically, knocks his dummy out, then starts thrashing around frantically looking for it and wakes himself up!

Can you try weaning him off a dummy? My baby is almost 4 months and does the same so I’ve stopped giving her the dummy. Obviously it’s harder due to his age but if you crack this maybe he will stay asleep longer?

@Secondnightblue - Some kids have teeth come in hard and fast, with a night or two of upset per tooth. Other kids it's a slow drawn-out process over weeks, or they are more sensitive to the earlier process. Not as much yelling on the final night, but ongoing unrest. I've no idea why, but amongst friends there were clearly two types for teething and it had nothing to do with parenting, sleep training or anything else. Try drugs, see what happens. (Ibuprofen is better than calpol for teeth.)

Babies lack the ability to self soothe. You wouldn’t ignore them crying during the day so why through the night? The doctor who coined the term weighs in on the first 2 links, spoiler he doesn’t believe it either.

thebeyondsleeptrainingproject.com/artricles-to-read-when/people-are-claiming-babies-must-be-taught-to-self-soothe

The beyond sleep training project might help you, their Facebook page is great.

I feel for you having been in a very similar situation. It’s awful.

Comments about putting him in another room and not listening are not helpful. I don’t know anyone who could relax doing that after 14 months of being on alert.

Could you take shifts with your partner? We used to take 2 nights at a time each - the first night was never good sleep as you were always still half listening but the 2nd night was bliss.

I would also recommend having a really frank conversation with the HV to try and work out why he isn’t sleeping. With my child, it was food intolerance which was making sleep difficult.