To feel so angry and resentful towards my own son?

[Secondnightblue]

I’m really on one tonight. 14 month old DS sleeps terribly and has for months upon months on end. There is no end in sight. Every ten weeks or so he suddenly starts sleeping well and this lasts for five nights then reverts back. These glimmers of hope seem set to torture me.

I adored DS when I had him but I feel like these feelings are vanishing amidst resentment. I’m so bloody tired and fed up. It isn’t just tiredness more sick of being ‘on duty’ ALL the time. It’s like an exhausting job with no breaks or sleep. And of course you get this as a newborn but I didn’t think that this would last this long. Ideally wanted to conceive again but those plans are
Going out of the window. Constant horrible arguments with DH about it.

I’m just venting not looking for advice.

don’t really know what you expect from him would it be too flippant to suggest that he fucking sleeps?

Honestly though some of the responses here are really mean spririted and lacking in any empathy! Sometimes the only way you can get through is to prioritise your own mental health in the hear and now, over the potential for traumatising your infant by sleep training or leaving them to cry for a period. Based on my own experiences of PND which was massively triggered by sleep deprivation I would say the chances of an actual breakdown far outweigh the risks that my child will be traumatised. to everyone giving such judgmental advice with regards to sleep training or taking a break. Co sleeping doesn’t work for everyone. I BF (still am at 17m) but I am a very light sleeper as is my LO and all we did in the same bed is disturb each other. Please reach out to DP and any other support network to get a break. I completely understand that once baby is over a year people just assume you are an old hand at it but it’s the relentless of it if baby is still not sleeping great. Your friends and family love you and they won’t judge you for needing a break. Also tell your DP to step up or stfu about having another baby!

To be fair it’s me who wants another. FUCK knows why!

But during the day he’s great, I’m great. I love going to parks and swimming and bike rides, then 10pm comes and I hate them both.

Hes a baby still my youngest didnt sleep through reliably until 2 and then not until after 6am until 3
Yeah its shit but babies not sleeping cant be a surprise

I'm sure he is trying, he is only 14 months old. Sounds like co-sleeping might work for him but you're obviously really not up for this.

I think the mum with the pregnant 19 year old should get her daughter to read this thread.

Having a baby is largely extremely stressful and thankless with little pockets of loveliness.

I’m totally not up to date on latest sleeping advice. Id be one of the old people telling you not to co-sleep, but to sleep train. This clearly isn’t current advice. It looks like there’s lots of great advice from current mums of young children.

I just want to say hang in there and do what works for you.

It's awful. I sympathise. I think some of us find it harder than others and I think some kids are harder than others too.

Just big hugs. It sounds like your feeling the normal feeling of overwhelmed that most people don’t mention, so you think your the only one feeling like this. This is so normal. Xx

Is he in a sleep sack/ wearable blanket type thing? DO you have a night light ?
There are small beds that attach to the side of your bed ( sometimes called bedside sleepers). I'd try that . Otherwise I would just co-sleep in a double bed just you and bub, with baby against the wall. ( put a pool noodle wrapped in a sheet between the bed and the wall to stop falls. ) I know it seems like hell now , but honestly I barely remember how old my kids are; let alone when they started to sleep through. It just passes by - terrible at the time though. Also a top-up bottle before bed ( assuming you are not breastfeeding as you mentioned a bottle), and weirdly lots of sleep during the day if possible.
I know you didn't want advice but hopefully some of this helps.

OP I genuinely feel for you. I’m on my 3rd non sleeper and it’s absolutely awful. I’m also first trimester pregnant too, so the exhaustion is overwhelming.

I think a lot of the responses have been incredibly unfair.

The problem with asking questions on a forum is that you will often get very conflicting advice which will only increase your confusion.

I was the same with DC2, until the therapist I was seeing basically gave me the ‘ok’ to sleep train. (She allowed me to mentally process that I was important too IYSWIM).

Anyway, if it helps, please accept my post as your ‘permission’ to sleep train. You will need your DH on board though, as the bulk of the wakings will probably fall to him.

Pick a week, and start.

Best of luck.

You matter too.

@Secondnightblue

Oh that if I try to speak to DH about having some sort of shared strategy he just brushes me off.

It's horrible and I sympathise but would be a hell of a lot easier with a supportive husband.

And can you imagine 2 with him?

@Uponmytiptoes

Also please please don't 'sleep train'. There's plenty of studies to show how damaging it is. It's just neglect and is very outdated.

Unfortunately people just take the advise from older generations and d no research of their own and children continue to suffer.

How is 3-4 nights of gentle sleep-training more damaging than the months of resentment this poor mum is feeling towards her baby?

This blinkered approach to sleep-training is baffling to me.

OP, I know exactly how you feel - there were days I would walk out to work without even being able to look at my son. I was so exhausted from constant sleep-deprivation that I resented him. Some days I actively hated him. We splashed out on a sleep consultant. He slept through after 3 nights of gentle sleep-training. It improved our bond almost instantly. I don’t know how badly damaged our attachment would have been if I had continued trying to keep going as it had been from birth.

Yanbu to feel exhausted and frustrated but yabu to feel angry and resentful, you're the parents you both need to address this.

Our youngest was a terrible sleeper. You need to do sleep training as by that age it is a habit that needs to be stopped. Doesn't have to be 'cry it out' just a consistent approach that involves no feeding, no fussing, no picking up and putting down. Just a reassuring shh, pat then leave the room. It will take 2 or 3 nights but it will work. The health and and well being of all of you is vital and broken nights have to stop.

@Luckystar1

In fairness I did say I was just venting and to be honest I do feel better for having let off a bit of steam and pent up frustration. A lot of this is the crushing disappointment that actually ds sleep isn’t getting better, the last week was just a bizarre blip. He naps well and he’s a content and happy little boy usually so I do think it’s probably some bad habit I’ve established somewhere along the line.

What I do think is unfair is the sniffy comment that I’m ‘not up’ for co sleeping.

Before I had a baby, I wasn’t anti co sleeping - was a bit worried about the safety aspect maybe - but I imagined it like sharing a bed with my cats, or similar. A nice cuddly warm baby next to me all night, how could I not like that?

DS isn’t like that. He wants to be ON you. He isn’t a tiny helpless baby, he’s a toddler. He kicks. Of course, he isn’t kicking ‘me’, he’s just pushing down with his legs, but there’s no way I can sleep with that. He also pulls hair and grabs your face. When he does fall asleep, he falls asleep literally in my arms, pressed against me. It’s hot and suffocating and if I try to move he wakes up and the whole process starts again. It’s really not a solution for either of us.

DH means well but it is frustrating when he won’t listen. With that being said I snarl and snap through tiredness so I probably do need to have a more reasonable discussion.

I feel you.
My two year olds woke at midnight. One would keep dosing but they basically were waking ea h other up. At 2 DH took over. Worked for 20 minutes then I took one to my bed where he played for 2 hours before DH got up with him. He finally managed to dose for a couple of hours and me and the other baby got up at 7.

The only sanity is knowing that DH has my back

Your posts really reminded me of my own experience @Secondnightblue. It really is hell. My DD is almost 4 and she pretty much sleeps through the night, except for sleepwalking into our room in the early hours and sneaking into bed, but she just sleeps quietly once she’s there so I don’t mind.

I totally feel you on the desire for a shared strategy - I really struggled with DH desire to wing it and refusal to educate himself.

In the end I sat him down and said I’d like us to speak to a sleep expert because I was worried about my mental health and about the level of rage I was experiencing. I was too tired and broken to work out what I needed to do. I had no confidence that anything would work. I wanted someone to tell me what was best.

We spoke to a lady called Ann who runs a service called Nurturing Sleep. No expensive packages, just a diagnostic video call and then a write up with steps to take. It was like therapy. Being able to tell someone all about the issues without judgement (unlike Mumsnet!) and then build that plan was great. She also was very clear on what DH should do and when. I can’t say that we magically went from zero sleep to 7-7 every night but it did improve things on every level - feeling like we had an approach, someone to help us. Clear roles etc. it’s all child-led too so no shutting the door and letting them cry it out without support. Not that I’m criticising anyone that does that - some kids respond well to it, and most of the so called evidence about damage comes from extreme situations like Romanian orphanages and not from studies in children in otherwise safe, responsive and loving homes.

I would recommend it if you can afford to do so.

It's torture, mine was like this till 18 months. Only advice would be never ever give him milk in the night.

'he’d wake between 1 and 2. I’d have to hold him for about an hour until he was in a deep sleep and transfer him to his crib (he had a next to me) then he might wake at 5 ish or sleep till about 6. '

Don't pick him up. Ssh pat and leave. He will cry but it will reduce, it will break the cycle and very quickly he will learn how to self soothe. We don't expect kids to teach themselves things, we show them and guide them and sleeping is such a thing. Sleep deprivation is really bad for every single member of the family, bad for physical and mental health.

Pick a couple of nights when you can rest during the day, go to bed with a flask and book not expecting to sleep. Then just shh and pat. It works!

Mine slept like that at that age, only every slept well if in the car seat upright. He would kick and push and thrash and wake up all the time. I went to the doctors they referred him but the consultant suggested I medicate him to sleep and I wasn't doing that. I think now he woke up so often because he has very narrow airways that close over when he falls asleep and wake him up - like sleep apnea. He sleeps fine now but always propped up.

Worth considering sleep anea as a possibility.

I would certainly

Oh and if it's sleep apnea or something along those lines then no amount of sleep training is going to work, it will only make it even harder for them to breathe from all the crying.

OP, I too had one like yours, though he was my 4th, had he been my first he would be an only child!!!
I too had huge resentment towards him and how his not sleeping was affecting me.
Someone asked me once what his birth had been like and when I descried it she recommended I take him to a cranial osteopath - never heard of them.
He was born very quickly and as he was going into distress mode they practically pulled him out.
The CO asked me all about his birth and also aske if he had ever had a fall off the bed, which of course I vehemently refuted -as if!!!! but then admitted that yes he had, she asked if he had landed on his bum, he had. She said she knew all the answers to the Q's she asked me as it was obvious from what she was feeling - she was constantly moving/rubbing her hands over him while we spoke.
She did some gentle manipulations on him and we had 2 more sessions, each a week apart and he was like a different child. So much so that I ended up having to wake him sometimes in order to get to work on time!!.
It turned out that he had some little bones/muscles/nerves (can't remember details as it was 16yrs ago) out of place and when he moved a certain way it actually caused pain - cue big guilt from me for having all those bad thoughts about him
She also said that it would only present at bedtime due to the fact that he was lying down and in his relaxed state was moving in a way he wouldn't during the day.
No harm in looking into it. To save your sanity

My comment about you not being up for co-sleeping was not supposed to be sniffy in the slightest, just stating a fact and basically saying if you're not up for it then fair enough. There was zero judgement on that. I hope you manage to figure out something that works for both of you.

@Secondnightblue, I totally understand. I do end up Co-sleeping with DC and tbh I think it’s a big part of our problem. He wakes, I bring him in and feed him and then he’s up pissing about and wanting boob half the night.

So, I agree, Co sleeping is only good if it’s working for you all, if it’s not, it’s a pain (in the back…!).

I’ve learned over my relatively short tenure as a parent that 1) all people think ‘their’ way is right (because it is… for them, but not everyone) and 2) that people’s memories are very short. Once you start getting sleep, you forget what it’s actually like to not have it.

So, do what feels right for you. If now is the time for sleep training, go for it. If you aren’t ready, leave it until you are.

And remember, the resentment is really just the lack of sleep talking.

You do whatever it takes to stay sane. I hear you re co sleeping. Whilst I very successfully co slept with my twins, Dd1 was not a co sleeper. I do want to give you hope though. My anti sleep baby is the most delightful, wonderful teen. She’s fab to hang out with and just lovely, plus goes to bed beautifully without the drama. I like to think that all dc have a challenging stage and if it’s the baby stage then the teens will balance out. (Clearly no science behind this). My twins were easy because they slept. Dd1 had me on my knees (the reason we have a big gap). We finally decided we wanted a second and that was twins. Honestly, someone was having a laugh!

We had similar and two things made it much better.

1. Co-sleeping - not perfect but for the particularly bad nights this worked for us. She tended to sleep in the middle of the bed and just like our presence, rather than sleeping on us. We did that for a number of months but now don’t do it at all because she’s much more settled.

1. As much as it pained me to do it, I spent money on a sleep expert who gave us some tips on controlled crying that worked. I found the support really useful and the reassurance of having someone guide you on what to do.

She’s now 17 months and by no means perfect. However wake ups are now 1-2 per night and she’s easy to get back down when she wakes up. It’s a big improvement and completely manageable (for us).