To feel so angry and resentful towards my own son?

[Secondnightblue]

I’m really on one tonight. 14 month old DS sleeps terribly and has for months upon months on end. There is no end in sight. Every ten weeks or so he suddenly starts sleeping well and this lasts for five nights then reverts back. These glimmers of hope seem set to torture me.

I adored DS when I had him but I feel like these feelings are vanishing amidst resentment. I’m so bloody tired and fed up. It isn’t just tiredness more sick of being ‘on duty’ ALL the time. It’s like an exhausting job with no breaks or sleep. And of course you get this as a newborn but I didn’t think that this would last this long. Ideally wanted to conceive again but those plans are
Going out of the window. Constant horrible arguments with DH about it.

I’m just venting not looking for advice.

[Peppaismyrolemodel]

@Uponmytiptoes

Also please please don't 'sleep train'. There's plenty of studies to show how damaging it is. It's just neglect and is very outdated.

Unfortunately people just take the advise from older generations and d no research of their own and children continue to suffer.

Not true.
Longt- studies show no difference in maternal-baby bond and interactions between babies sleep trainee with Ferber method and those not.
They also show no raised stress/hormone levels in the morning or across time.
Ferber (or cio) does not harm baby, does not have negative long term effects and absolutely is not ‘abuse’ ‘neglect’ or outdated.
Any poster who is trying to convince you to take their path is a red flag. Wiser to listen to those who have the imagination to say things like “I don’t know your whole situation, but this is what worked for us”

[StylishMummy]

Sleep training worked for us, controlled crying of 3 minute intervals for 3 times, then 3x 5 minutes then 10 minute intervals. Took 3-4 nights for them to get it and they both never looked back.

[pinkyredrose]

Sounds awful OP, your husband is a twat though. Why is he unsupportive, does he think babies are women's work? Does he do feeding, changing etc in the daytime?

[peachgreen]

I'm sorry you've had such harsh comments here, OP.

I recognise your desperation, your anger towards your son and partner, and your hatred towards yourself. I felt the same way when I had PND. Have you seen anyone about your own mental health?

That's not me saying that your lack of sleep is acceptable or normal (it's not), and I absolutely agree that DH needs to support you to do something about it. But the vehemence with which you talk about yourself rings alarm bells to me.

[Sundancerintherain]

@Secondnightblue I totally sympathise.
Mine is an adult now but when he was 23 months I took him to a health visitors appointment and threatened to leave him with them ( not in front of him, obviously). Not because I hated or resented him, but because I was so chronically sleep deprived that I had walked out with the pram in front of a car and fallen asleep ( standing up ) with a chip pan boiling away. I could have killed us both. I was so sleep deprived that I was starting to have auditory hallucinations.
They fast tracked him to the early years sleep clinic ( this was over 25 years ago, I'm not sure if they still exist).
The clinic came up with a plan which worked.

[Candyss]

with my first I found the first year so hard with lack of sleep. it was such a shock to the system and felt like it would never end. but it did. me and my partner have slept in separate rooms since she was born though and she is 2, we used to take it in turns once she stopped breastfeeding through the night.

my little boy was born premature and is an atrocious sleeper. however I'm not finding it as hard this time because I'm taking anti depressants (game changer) and I have hindsight now that this stage is over before you know it.

consider anti depressants - honestly they have changed my mood a lot.

[pinkyredrose]

Just saw on your other thread that you work all week. It's obvious your husband doesn't give a crap about you being on your knees. I'd be tempted to go away for a week and leave him to it.

[RealBecca]

It's awful, I was there.

Sounds like husband is brushing you off because he isn't doing his share. Your choice whether to address that and have another baby with him. He isn't there in the trenches with you though.

Can you get family support, like ask your mum to come for a week and do bedtimes? Or put him in nursery 1 day a week so you can catch up on sleep? Nurseries have some mind of magic for doing naps as well so a different pair of hands might help x

[Bagamoyo1]

@Secondnightblue

TBH I am leaning towards CIO as other methods just get him more worked up. Obviously CIO is shit but so is current situation.

CIO is not a method. It’s just neglect. It’s just leaving a baby to scream till they either pass out with exhaustion, or quietly learn to stop crying because no one will come. Is that how you want to be?
OP I get how hard it is. I was a single parent from day 1 and had a non sleeping baby. But don’t let your exhaustion drive you to do cruel things.
Look into proper methods. If you have the funds, call the Millpond Sleep Clinic. They really helped me.
And get your DH to step up.

[misskatamari]

Please do not feel guilty! Having a child is hard and your feelings are completely natural. We are fed the lies that we're supposed to feel filled with love and joy for our kids at all times. We can love them to the ends of the Earth and still be absolutely fucked off and exhausted and sick of it all, at the same time!

I really advise listening to Nicole Sachs' podcast. Her overall work deals with chronic pain, but it's chronic pain brought on by years of suppressing these kind of emotions, which were not "supposed" to feel. Her first few episodes tell her story. Her journaling technique is life changing and her podcast is amazing for helping you realise that we're human, our feelings are valid. Journalspeak is a fantastic resource for getting these feelings out too, and it might be something that helps you deal with such conflicting feelings. I empathise so much. My ds was a terrible sleeper and it broke me. No surprise my chronic pain flared up after years of it (along with other stressors). Anyway, this might sound like gobbledegook right now, but I urge you to just have a listen and see if it resonates podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/my-story/id1439580309?i=1000422171212 Sending you so much love. Lack of sleep is soul destroying ❤️

[Indecisivelurcher]

@Secondnightblue

Well, whatever really. I’m sure it is my fault but it doesn’t make it any less fucking hideous.

Sleep is largely genetic... So it might be your fault, but not in the way you're thinking! Personally I blamed dh...

[3WildOnes]

I can understand doing what @Tarne proposes if you are a single mother bus as the OP has a husband there is no need.

OP is he night weaned? Is his dummy attached to a lovey to make it easy to find in the night?

Before CIO I would try this. Have your husband set up a single bed on the floor next to the cot. Get him to sleep in there for a week. If/when baby wakes up don’t lift him out but pat his back/hold his hand through the bars of the cot. After a week start to move bed slowly away from the cot.

I work with families and this is the main approach that I recommend.

[Wannabeskinnyminny]

This reminded me of DD2! She never settled or slept and I will never forget the exhaustion as I was working full time. Looking back now she loved cuddles and the warmth of another body and really, I should have taken her to bed with me! When we moved her into her own bed, things improved dramatically! I think she just hated the cot and felt really lonely. I f I were to go back in time, I would definitely have brought her to bed with me and spare everyone the misery! The same child had to be pulled out of bed every Christmas morning as she loved the bed so much! LOL
Good luck with whatever you decide to do but look after yourself, it is a difficult time . 💐

[Houseofvelour]

Sending you a handhold.
I can sympathise. DD2 has never been a great sleeper and for the past year, she wakes up between 11pm-1am and then will not settle back down until I eventually give up and bring her into my bed.
The rest of the night involves me getting head butted, stroked, Kicked etc.
I'm shattered and grumpy and have honestly said that I love her between the hours of 7am-7pm and then at night she's a bit of an arse that pisses me off and loses all cuteness.

[Hankunamatata]

Co sleeping for me was just as much hell as the not sleeping as I still didnt get any quality sleep with anxiety the baby would get smothered, or fall out of bed. I broke at 12 months, GP and hv suggested I look at methods of sleep training as I dodnt have pnd, I was exhausted and hyper alert 24/7.

So with dh help we sleep trained and did cio. 3 nights and our bundle of terror slept through. Went on to become amazing sleeper.

I'm glad we did it as otherwise I probably would have hurt myself or the baby. The tipping point was I drove into a carpark wall when I fell asleep and the wheel

[Wexone]

Sending hugs as lack of sleep is horrendous, cant offer advise of what to do as haven't been in your situation, But a good friend of mine was and tried everything, in the end she had to reach out to a sleep consultant. It cost her some money, it took about three months but now she is a changed women. This is what i think you should do

[Secondnightblue]

The dummy does help soothe him but he can go to sleep without it. God knows really.

It’s not so much that DH doesn’t care or that he’s a bad man or anything, it’s just that I am finding it so frustrating as it would be good if we had a sort of shared strategy - as in we know x will happen so when it does we will do y.

It normally is me who goes into DS just because DH sleeps like the living dead but last night DS woke before we were asleep and DH went to him. A while passed and I could still hear wailing and saw DH had taken him into bed with him (spare room) and I was furious tbh, as I’ve been trying so hard to stop that, but in fairness to DH he didn’t know that. But in fairness to me that’s because it’s not up for discussion. It’s always fire fighting, not an actual plan of sorts. And while I don’t think it’s conscious he is laid back about it because it doesn’t affect him as much as me. Whether it should or not is by the by, it just doesn’t.

@3WildOnes ds gets more upset when you’re there and not holding him. During last weeks ‘good’ sleep I would go in and give him a bottle and put him back in the cot. The first night this was sort of by accident as I was bursting for a wee so put ds back in the cot while I went to the toilet. Ds wailed and howled but by the time I’d finished had gone to sleep. So I do think it works. Last night again he woke at 430, I went to him soothed him shushed him offered him milk - he fell asleep and then woke ten minutes later shouting and I just couldn’t face getting up again so I closed the door, horrible yes but he fell asleep. So it does work I think. It’s just not very pleasant.

[EmergencyPoncho]

Might he have an allergy...? My DS when moved to cow's milk at 1, did not sleep, till I put him on formula.

[Secondnightblue]

I honestly don’t think there is anything wrong with him. I mean, I could be wrong, who knows, but an allergy that bothers him between 10 and 5 am and not any other time? Ditto ear infections, teeth etc.

[Dibbydoos]

If co sleeping isn't possible, could your sons bed be in your room.

My DS didn't cry etc, just didn't sleep well when he was a tot - he kept telling us this blue man kept coming for him

We made him a bed at the end of our bed and that sorted it. He went back into his own room a few months later knowing he could come back if the blue man came. We did t have a prob again.

[Secondnightblue]

It hasn’t made any sort of difference in the recent past. From months 2-6 he would generally have one to two wake ups which was manageable especially as I wasn’t working. So he’d typically go to bed 830-930 and I’d go to bed with him, then he’d wake between 1 and 2. I’d have to hold him for about an hour until he was in a deep sleep and transfer him to his crib (he had a next to me) then he might wake at 5 ish or sleep till about 6. Then I’d fob him off on DH and get a couple of hours. It all went to shit around month 6/7. Brief reprieve at 9 months (I mean a week) then again at 10 (another 4 days) then hideous up until now.

[DSGR]

Lack of sleep is horrendous but he’s not doing this deliberately, he’s a baby. None of mine slept through until 2.5/3. I think settle him into his own bed then be prepared to bring him in with you after a certain amount of time. He just wants the security of you.
You’re not creating a rod for your own back.. they do all sleep eventually in their own beds I promise! Make your DH do his share

[Peppaismyrolemodel]

@Secondnightblue

The dummy does help soothe him but he can go to sleep without it. God knows really.

It’s not so much that DH doesn’t care or that he’s a bad man or anything, it’s just that I am finding it so frustrating as it would be good if we had a sort of shared strategy - as in we know x will happen so when it does we will do y.

It normally is me who goes into DS just because DH sleeps like the living dead but last night DS woke before we were asleep and DH went to him. A while passed and I could still hear wailing and saw DH had taken him into bed with him (spare room) and I was furious tbh, as I’ve been trying so hard to stop that, but in fairness to DH he didn’t know that. But in fairness to me that’s because it’s not up for discussion. It’s always fire fighting, not an actual plan of sorts. And while I don’t think it’s conscious he is laid back about it because it doesn’t affect him as much as me. Whether it should or not is by the by, it just doesn’t.

*@3WildOnes* ds gets more upset when you’re there and not holding him. During last weeks ‘good’ sleep I would go in and give him a bottle and put him back in the cot. The first night this was sort of by accident as I was bursting for a wee so put ds back in the cot while I went to the toilet. Ds wailed and howled but by the time I’d finished had gone to sleep. So I do think it works. Last night again he woke at 430, I went to him soothed him shushed him offered him milk - he fell asleep and then woke ten minutes later shouting and I just couldn’t face getting up again so I closed the door, horrible yes but he fell asleep. So it does work I think. It’s just not very pleasant.

Not horrible.
Absolutely fine.
You know he is safe.
You have his best interests at the top of your priority list.
If you wait to do this until you are desperate you will feel guilty bc you know it is fuelled by frustration.
You deserve sleep and can choose to do it with no guilt

[DZbornak]

He wants contact and to be held, he's still so young and it is completely natural. Don't really know what you expect from him, especially at this age. Some children just don't sleep well and believe me I'm currently experiencing it, but they don't understand our actions and only want to feel comforted and secure. You chose to have him, you and your husband need to work out what is best for him and get on with it.