To feel so angry and resentful towards my own son?

[Secondnightblue]

I’m really on one tonight. 14 month old DS sleeps terribly and has for months upon months on end. There is no end in sight. Every ten weeks or so he suddenly starts sleeping well and this lasts for five nights then reverts back. These glimmers of hope seem set to torture me.

I adored DS when I had him but I feel like these feelings are vanishing amidst resentment. I’m so bloody tired and fed up. It isn’t just tiredness more sick of being ‘on duty’ ALL the time. It’s like an exhausting job with no breaks or sleep. And of course you get this as a newborn but I didn’t think that this would last this long. Ideally wanted to conceive again but those plans are
Going out of the window. Constant horrible arguments with DH about it.

I’m just venting not looking for advice.

@Secondnightblue

Oh that if I try to speak to DH about having some sort of shared strategy he just brushes me off.

Then definitely don’t be thinking about another child with him. He needs to learn to pull his weight first.

I had one of these…. It was SO hard. I tried Co-sleeping but she still didn’t sleep and I subconsciously worried about squashing her and if I did get to sleep I’d wake up with a squashed baby dream. In the end and about 14 months we tried sleep training and it took another 10 months to find the method that worked (cry it out). It was shit for her and me. She’s 10 now and my best buddy. I love her to bits and she loves me. There’s no left over from that time. She doesn’t remember and I don’t resent her. I didn’t have a second baby though!

I think you need some nights off. Could you stay in a hotel for the odd night and leave DS with DH, it's all well and good him brushing you off but he needs to help more.

There is a discernable reason for DS waking, he is a very young child and sometimes that is what they do. It's draining, I know but don't blame your marital issues on your son. Your husband should be pulling his weight so that night walking doesn't always fall to you to sort out. When you had a child, you BOTH signed up to the night shifts.

OP I feel for you so much, sleep deprivation is literally torture
I think you need to have another conversation with your DH - either he helps you now, or you carry on down this road and you have a mental breakdown. (My breaking point with DC1 was being so knackered I stepped off the staircase 4 steps from the bottom and dislocated my ankle - DP then realised actually maybe I was as tired as I’d been saying and we started sharing the nights ) Your DH is being incredibly selfish expecting you to cope with no proper rest / sleep and for him not to take on his share ?!
Both my DC were awful sleepers for the first 18 months, me and DP basically slept in shifts. I’d go to bed at 6pm - midnight, he’d sleep midnight til 6 (there’d sometimes be a period of an hour or so overlap where both of us plus baby were sleeping if we were lucky!) We’d let baby sleep on us while on shift while we watched tv or read or scrolled mumsnet! Occasional night off together while GP babysat overnight. Obviously not ideal or a long term solution but it worked for us and meant I didn’t collapse from exhaustion! I couldn’t cosleep either - even when exhausted I’m still a really light sleeper and the slightest movement Or snuffle from DC would Wake me up.
You need and deserve help from your DP, I really hope things get easier for you soon. There’s a ridiculous misconception (which I had too at first) that of your on Mat leave and DP is working, you SHOULD be doing all the night wake ups. Absolutely not the case, especially when baby just isn’t sleeping. xxx

[quote Hollyhead]@Uponmytiptoes no, when we sleep trained my DS learned that I was asleep but daddy would come. Magically because Daddy didn’t have a boob after 3 nights (only one with more than an hours crying which he had DH with him the whole time for soothing) he decided that sleeping through was worth it. He was 16 months old he didn’t need milk at night. He is the happiest, well adjusted 7 year old I’ve ever come across now, so pipe down. Some sleep training is neglectful but most methods which involve a lot of parental contact still are absolutely fine and much better than being left with feelings of resentment and damaged health from years of no sleep.[/quote]
Sorry Hollyhead. I was talking about people who do the 'cry it out' method when no one is with them at all. Of course if someone is with them it's completely different .

@Secondnightblue

I really don’t want to co sleep and I don’t want to co sleep on the floor.

DS actually TRIES to kick me - I know not maliciously but he’ll do that whether on the floor or in the bed. And he still wakes constantly and has to be right on me. It’s fucking terrible and I can’t believe there are people in this world who like it but there are people who vote for Boris, people who keep rats as pets and people who like marmite. People are different. I really hate co sleeping and I am working very hard to never do it again.

My son does the same thing. I use a sleepyhead and have him next to me but the cushion that surrounds him means he can't kick in his sleep. The cushion also provides comfort and makes him feel like he's being held.

@Uponmytiptoes

Also please please don't 'sleep train'. There's plenty of studies to show how damaging it is. It's just neglect and is very outdated.

Unfortunately people just take the advise from older generations and d no research of their own and children continue to suffer.

No there aren’t. There are unscientific blogs or a handful of scientific studies which are inconclusive because too many subjects have up trying.

*gave up

We moved ds to a, cot bed with the side off at 18 months and by thdn he'd become attached to a cuddly toy. From about 22 months I've been able to lay on the bed with him with his teddy and a lullaby on, he drifts off (anything between 5 and 30 mins usually) and i sneak out. He's still an early riser and we have some nights where he might wake once or twice but they're usually quick re settles. This is a, massive improvement, he used to wake every 2 hours or be up for 2 to 4 hours in the middle of the night.

We tried co sleeping, it didn't fit for us and we tried sleep training, it just made everyone stressed and upset. So I've nothing against either, but they didn't work for us. Between 10 and 18 months ds was in a travel cot because he refused his cot. I'd feed/cuddle him to sleep while sitting in there with him (yes seriously!) then put him down and climb out. People thought i was mad, but that was the only way at the time. Everyone is different.

I know it's so hard, but there will be something behind it, even if it's just the need for comfort. I know he's not a newborn but he's still very little and isn't doing it deliberately or to 'manipulate' anything, as some may suggest.

Ang in there op, it will get better. Xx

@Hollyhead

Have you tried sleep training? I think between 12-18 months is the perfect age. It worked in 3 nights for both of mine and they went from waking 4 times a night to 12 hours straight through. Do you have a DP? It only worked with DH doing it for us.

Agree with this. You need to sleep train

I couldn't Co sleep either OP and actually my kids were crap at it too. We got less sleep. I would sleep train. Its a good age to do it. If he gets much older you won't really be able to. I had to sleep train both my 2 in the end. My suggestion is to make sure your day time routine is tight first, so you're not setting yourself up to fail. I did use a sleep consultant, the main value of that was getting me and dh on the same page. With everything set up right, for us sleep training was quick, effective, and barely any crying at all. Everyone slept, everyone was happier.

This is the reason why there will be no more babies I my house! I feel your pain but a none cry sleep training method worked for me. I couldn't stand couldn't sleeping. I like space a no physical contact when trying to sleep.

My 4 Dcs were awful sleepers. Did not sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time (on my chest) for the first six months, did not sleep through the night until they were 2.5 - 3. Co-sleeping saved my life.

@Uponmytiptoes

Also please please don't 'sleep train'. There's plenty of studies to show how damaging it is. It's just neglect and is very outdated.

Unfortunately people just take the advise from older generations and d no research of their own and children continue to suffer.

Link some.

Mine is the same , now 17 months. Sometimes she sleeps ok, sometimes she cries every 2 hours from being put down at 7.30. Sometimes she won't go down at all. Its the variation that does me in, I never know if I'm getting an evening to myself or a decent stretch of sleep. I think after a year had passed I really started to crack up over it, partly because I stupidly assumed after a year babies all slept through and partly because of the cumulative exhaustion. It's tough and I really do sympathise.

TBH I am leaning towards CIO as other methods just get him more worked up. Obviously CIO is shit but so is current situation.

You're teaching your child that when they need you they won't come. How is that not damaging?!

This is trotted out all the time despite the fact children that have been sleep trained still shout out if they need something or are ill, and receive the attention/care they need.

Sleep training teaches children how to sleep independently which is a skill needed for the rest of their lives. It's not fair to have them completely dependent on you to sleep. Imagine if you were reliant on someone like that?

Your DH needs to do half the night wakings with his son. He actually has to get up off his arse and do it, not lie in bed listening to him.
Is there anyone who can take him for a night for you ? Grandma or someone.
If your DH isn’t pulling his weight you need to book yourself into a cheap hotel for the odd night and leave him to it.
And finally, if he doesn’t pull his weight threaten divorce and him having the child 50 %.

*07:14Secondnightblue

Oh that if I try to speak to DH about having some sort of shared strategy he just brushes me off*

This is not acceptable. Assuming your DH is his other parent he cannot leave this to you alone.

Next time you don't have work in the morning book yourself a night away (stay with a friend/family/hotel). By yourself. Leave him to him deal with DS. THEN have a conversation about it. A night off and a good sleep will do you the world of good too.

@Secondnightblue

TBH I am leaning towards CIO as other methods just get him more worked up. Obviously CIO is shit but so is current situation.

You’ll probably get a ton of hysterical replies to this but don’t worry: I know couples for whom it’s worked. And thank god, because it really was a last resort for them.

@Secondnightblue

I know MN loves co sleeping but I’ve desperately been trying to escape the awful cycle of him coming in bed with me. Awful because he doesn’t just lie quietly next to me and go to sleep. He kicks. He actually ‘searches’ for my stomach with his feet then pushes down hard. All night. Even when asleep.

He has to sleep right next to me nuzzled into me which is so hot and uncomfortable. Then you can’t move - you can’t adjust yourself in bed or anything because it wakes him.

I have no idea why everyone loves co sleeping on here, it nearly destroyed me.

Op I recognise you now.

Everyone told you to sleep train on your last thread.

Your problem is your husband. Why is he not taking on his fair share of the load?

This period of no sleep is horrendous, I remember it well, but it will eventually get better. The only thing that kept me moderately sane with my first child (terrible-sleeper, didn’t sleep through the night until he was 2.5 yrs old) was proper partnership work with my DH. He would do night wakings at least a few times a week so I could sleep. Nobody can survive on relentless broken sleep for so long.

I hated co-sleeping, too, btw. My DS wouldn’t settle even in my bed, he wasn’t a snuggly baby, he just fidgeted and kicked and whinged and didn’t want to be held. I found it worse torture than sleeping separately.

I did ‘sleep train’ eventually, but it wasn’t some sort of awful neglectful situation! I just stopped getting up every time he cried and after 3 nights he stopped. With hindsight, I think he was ready (at 2.5 yrs!) and just needed me to help him by not jumping to his every wail. I hope this stage comes for you soon, OP.

Yes your problem is both your husband - he cannot brush off a shared strategy get him on board. And yes you do need to sleep train for your own health