To feel so angry and resentful towards my own son?

[Secondnightblue]

I’m really on one tonight. 14 month old DS sleeps terribly and has for months upon months on end. There is no end in sight. Every ten weeks or so he suddenly starts sleeping well and this lasts for five nights then reverts back. These glimmers of hope seem set to torture me.

I adored DS when I had him but I feel like these feelings are vanishing amidst resentment. I’m so bloody tired and fed up. It isn’t just tiredness more sick of being ‘on duty’ ALL the time. It’s like an exhausting job with no breaks or sleep. And of course you get this as a newborn but I didn’t think that this would last this long. Ideally wanted to conceive again but those plans are
Going out of the window. Constant horrible arguments with DH about it.

I’m just venting not looking for advice.

I and the ex-wife had this for nearly 3 yrs, 3 fucking yrs. Cluster feeding, thru the night, crying. We tried everything, co-sleeping, crying out, etc, in the end, she just got into a routine of her own.

On the other hand daughter, no 2 slept well from birth.

Both are very good sleepers now at 9 and 10 yrs old respectively.

Hahaha ignore anyone who says "don't sleep train" (there are so many different types, it doesn't just mean close the door and ignore them all night and it doesn't have to be cruel). Also ignore anyone who says "don't co-sleep". Do whatever works for your family. I really hope you get some sleep soon.

Is your DH taking a fair share of the night wakings so you get a night off duty? If not, do that! Either divide the night so one of you goes to bed early and the other is “it” until, say, 0100, then swap, so you both get a decent chunk of sleep, or alternate nights (you could even take yourself off to a hotel if you find you wake even when you’re not on duty).

Would you consider sleep training or a sleep consultant? Or have you already tried those?

Progression with sleep is not linear and it can feel like two steps forward, one step back. Or one step forward, two steps back! It can be soul-destroying. But it sounds like what you need is support to get yourself to a better place where you might feel able to support your DC to sleep better.

Sleep train.

You need to sleep and so does he. If you can first step would be for you to go away for a night and get some proper rest.

Then look at the various sleep training methods and pick which one you think will work best. I did controlled crying at 9 months with both of mine. It took 3-4 nights and then they slept through. If they wake in the night now, it's rare and for a reason / gives me an indication they're poorly.

It won't psychologically damage them (utter rubbish that and there to guilt mothers) ask yourself, how much do you remember from that age?

Can you sleep together? My youngest was like this until c. 18 months where we did CIO on advice of a friend who is a GP. First night cried about 15 mins, second night about 8 mins and then last night just went to sleep! It was like a miracle I was spending hours putting the baby to sleep then trying to creep out then I was up in the night eventually bringing the baby to sleep with me (DH had the spare room as in a high risk job & I became a SAHM for a period of time but exhausting as I had a toddler during the day!).

But co-sleeping or CIO.

I really feel for you OP. DS1 was an amazing sleeper, then my second came along who just didn't want to sleep! Nothing worked with him. Once I took the decision to bring him into bed with us things improved enormously. He still woke up but we didn't have to get out of bed to get him back off to sleep. I was far more relaxed once I had accepted that he was going to wake up in the night. I can't remember when he went into his own room now, but at 4 he has no problems getting to sleep on his own and hasn't in a very long time. Now in a way I feel a bit sad I missed out on so many night time cuddles with DS1.

The fact that you and your DH are having blazing rows isn't your little one's fault. Perhaps now isn't the best time for you to TTC maybe wait until everything has calmed down.

I know people here hate it but with my oldest it felt like torture so we let him control cry. He didn't sleep 3 hours in a row until he was 18 months.

I hated doing it but we were both so tired we were seeing things. I used to say whole sentences the wrong way at shops and just not be able to right it. My DH was in work with no idea if he had just arrived or was going home.

I didn't do it with my second because he wasn't that type of sleeper, we co-slept and breastfed. It was a completely different experience and I loved it.

I hear you, it really does pass but you don't feel it will. We had a second when he was 2 and now they're 4 and 2 waking up at 7am and watching cartoons. Do what's right for your family x

@Twizbe

Sleep train.

You need to sleep and so does he. If you can first step would be for you to go away for a night and get some proper rest.

Then look at the various sleep training methods and pick which one you think will work best. I did controlled crying at 9 months with both of mine. It took 3-4 nights and then they slept through. If they wake in the night now, it's rare and for a reason / gives me an indication they're poorly.

It won't psychologically damage them (utter rubbish that and there to guilt mothers) ask yourself, how much do you remember from that age?

You're teaching your child that when they need you they won't come. How is that not damaging?!

I don't understand people who treat their own children like an inconvenience. They're people. If you were crying out for someone how would you feel if they ignored you? Especially if you weren't cognitively able to understand why.

OP a great book to read (if you're able to) is The gentle sleep book by Sarah Ockwell-Smith. Her instagram give some brilliant tips and advice that might be easier to read if you don't feel up to reading a proper book (I know I didn't when I was going through the same thing).

@Uponmytiptoes no, when we sleep trained my DS learned that I was asleep but daddy would come. Magically because Daddy didn’t have a boob after 3 nights (only one with more than an hours crying which he had DH with him the whole time for soothing) he decided that sleeping through was worth it. He was 16 months old he didn’t need milk at night. He is the happiest, well adjusted 7 year old I’ve ever come across now, so pipe down. Some sleep training is neglectful but most methods which involve a lot of parental contact still are absolutely fine and much better than being left with feelings of resentment and damaged health from years of no sleep.

I know MN loves co sleeping but I’ve desperately been trying to escape the awful cycle of him coming in bed with me. Awful because he doesn’t just lie quietly next to me and go to sleep. He kicks. He actually ‘searches’ for my stomach with his feet then pushes down hard. All night. Even when asleep.

He has to sleep right next to me nuzzled into me which is so hot and uncomfortable. Then you can’t move - you can’t adjust yourself in bed or anything because it wakes him.

I have no idea why everyone loves co sleeping on here, it nearly destroyed me.

Constant horrible arguments with DH about it.
What are the arguments about?

Is he doing any of the nights? It sounds like you've reached the point where something has to change tonight so give us some more information what is going on so,we can help put together a plan for tonight.

What are him doing at the moment with regards to times and feeding?
What is the bedroom situation? Who is where and are there spare rooms?
Is dh helping?
What's happening with day naps?

I think between you and your husband you need to find ways of clawing back some sleep. For instance if you are extremely tired one day. one of you can go to bed extra early say 7 or 8 with ear plugs. At weekends one of you take the baby out for the day while the other catches up on sleep and vice versa. It's not great but if you both have some interrupted rest time it might make life more bearable until the sleep issue sorts itself out.

Oh that if I try to speak to DH about having some sort of shared strategy he just brushes me off.

My ds was a terrible sleeper I basically went to bed at 8pm slept till 1am. Oh stayed up and dealt with lo then oh went to bed and I took over. Doing that mean to got 7ish hours and 5 of them in one go. I felt much better on weekends we each got a layin till 10am. It does end eventually tho.

Sounds like you and your DH need to have a chat.

Unfortunately some children really just are not sleepers. Co sleeping helped with mine to an extent: the oldest only really slept through consistently once she started school. My nearly 6 year old still has phases of waking- she's been awake since about 4:30 this morning. Both kids are awaiting assessment for ASD/ADHD. (I am not suggesting that's the issue with your son, btw/ plenty NT kids are poor sleepers too!)

The amount of people that thought it was as simple as 'trying a consistent bed time routine' as if we didn't already do that used to drive me bonkers. It's rough, I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. It pushes you to the edge of insanity- there's a reason sleep deprivation is one of the most-used torture techniques.

@Secondnightblue

Oh that if I try to speak to DH about having some sort of shared strategy he just brushes me off.

Your resentment and anger should be directed towards your H, not your 14 month old baby!

PS just saw your update. Latterly, we had a small mattress for the youngest on the floor next to our bed. That helped with the constant fidgeting and kicking, and once she got used to it it was a decent compromise. Worth a shot?

Maybe @GizmosEveningBath but ultimately DH isn’t the one waking me constantly for no discernible reason. How I feel might not be logical or fair but it’s how I feel. And don’t worry I’m pissed off with them both.

Sounds like it's you husband you should be angry at.

I really don’t want to co sleep and I don’t want to co sleep on the floor.

DS actually TRIES to kick me - I know not maliciously but he’ll do that whether on the floor or in the bed. And he still wakes constantly and has to be right on me. It’s fucking terrible and I can’t believe there are people in this world who like it but there are people who vote for Boris, people who keep rats as pets and people who like marmite. People are different. I really hate co sleeping and I am working very hard to never do it again.