Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

In laws coming on our romantic weekend

169 replies

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 19:05

So we live about an hour away from in-laws so we don't ask for much childcare just the odd over night every few months. The sis+bro in-laws use grandparents as child care all the time their ds goes there 3-4 times a week and they have him overnight most weekends. My in-laws also own a seaside cottage a couple of hours away. My dh and I really wanted a weekend away and saw tickets to a show, the venue being near the cottage. We asked in laws to have dd for two nights so dh and I could have a couple nights away and go to show. They agreed but then mil said they would go cottage with us. So our romantic weekend away is now a weekend with in-laws and dd and they will babysit while dd is in bed! From past experience they won't even get up in morning with her. It annoys me more I think because of how much they do for sis and bro in law. But I don't feel we can ask them not to come because it's their cottage. AIBU to be annoyed at losing our weekend away?

OP posts:

HunterGatherer · 16/01/2022 21:00

@eldersis

I would play DUMB and completely embarrass them. Leave them a message " Hi . Its just me, we were hoping to recreate our wedding night, You know , romance and sex stuff, are you sure you want to be there for this ? Just let us know if we need to book elsewhere.

I have had YEARS to formulate answers like this having had my mum in law arriving at 6am (having cut a key) on the day after our wedding to cook us breakfast. I didnt stand up to her then and it just got worse.

Very difficult but If your partner DOESN"T back you , either sex or marital status. Call it off.

Bloody Hell

Original poster

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 21:03

@Freddiefox

Just speak to them, tell them that you were planning some time alone.

They aren’t mind readers.

You moan that they do loads for bil all the time but do you ask them for help?

Yes we don't ask loads as we know they have dgc a lot plus two hr round trip (they always want us to bring dd to them. ) when we ask they generally do it although they do moan that they never have time to themselves (true but not due to us) we don't need to ask a lot but I guess I feel because we don't take the piss they should be ok with it and if they aren't then they should be telling sil before us.

OP posts:

MarineBlue33 · 16/01/2022 21:04

So if you only use your dh's family for looking after your 8 yo do, and you only use them every few months, what do you do the rest of the time?
Do you both never need to be out together outside school hours?
I would develop my circle of child care - you must have friends who can heip ?

timeisnotaline · 16/01/2022 21:07

Happy to pay for accommodation. Would not leave dd with an unknown person.
Seriously? She’s 8! She goes to school! Find a qualified babysitter and start building up some babysitting because otherwise your next romantic date will be when she goes on school camp, and you will be too worried about her to enjoy herself.
I’d book somewhere else nearby for you, politely say we got our wires crossed, it was supposed to be a romantic break so we will stay at x and come back over about 11am if that’s ok.

phishy · 16/01/2022 21:07

Cancel the weekend stay at their cottage.

They clearly resent doing babysitting for you. I wouldn’t want anything from people who think so little of me.

Book somewhere else.

Original poster

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 21:10

@timeisnotaline

Happy to pay for accommodation. Would not leave dd with an unknown person. Seriously? She’s 8! She goes to school! Find a qualified babysitter and start building up some babysitting because otherwise your next romantic date will be when she goes on school camp, and you will be too worried about her to enjoy herself. I’d book somewhere else nearby for you, politely say we got our wires crossed, it was supposed to be a romantic break so we will stay at x and come back over about 11am if that’s ok.

What's school camp? 😂 I couldn't afford to pay someone to have my child for 48 hours and I wouldn't leave them with a stranger that they don't know for any length of time.

OP posts:

Original poster

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 21:10

@phishy thank you

OP posts:

Carinattheliqorstore1 · 16/01/2022 21:12

Who the fuck leaves their child with a stranger over night? Even if they are DBS checked etc. Not to mention how much it would cost. Jeeze: get a grip with the ridiculous suggestions

Original poster

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 21:16

@MarineBlue33

So if you only use your dh's family for looking after your 8 yo do, and you only use them every few months, what do you do the rest of the time? Do you both never need to be out together outside school hours? I would develop my circle of child care - you must have friends who can heip ?

I only work part time and it fits round school hours, we tend to do stuff as a family at weekends. That's why the odd night away or out by ourselves means a lot to us caus it's a rare treat. My friends are a combination of ones who have older kids and now work full time and the others have young kids. They would help at a push for say an hour after school but probably not more.

OP posts:

eldersis · 16/01/2022 21:16

This has gone on for THOUSANDS of years. The mothering instict goes haywire hence mother in law "jokes" but they aren't really jokes they are pretty much real life.

Original poster

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 21:16

@Carinattheliqorstore1

Who the fuck leaves their child with a stranger over night? Even if they are DBS checked etc. Not to mention how much it would cost. Jeeze: get a grip with the ridiculous suggestions

I know 😂😂

OP posts:

AutumnLeaves21 · 16/01/2022 21:16

@Carinattheliqorstore1 the people of mumsnet, where you must never EVER ask a grandparent to watch theyr grandchild without offering them triple the minimum wages you’re spot on, it’s insane here sometimes and doesn’t reflect real life.

Fredstheteds · 16/01/2022 21:19

You want to drink so you stay at a hotel locally as a taxi back isn’t feasible. I would be so cross and refuse to go if it was me...

Delatron · 16/01/2022 21:28

I wouldn’t go if you can’t sort it though.

Unmumsymofo · 16/01/2022 21:29

Hell no…DH needs to step up and sort!

HelloDulling · 16/01/2022 21:38

It sounds like you resent the unfair allocation of childcare. You choose to live further from your ILs, I’m sure if you lived closer, they would do the same for you.

On the overnight front, does your DD ever go for sleepovers? Start arranging those and you can go out when she’s staying at a friend’s house.

Catkitkat · 16/01/2022 21:45

We had this happen only it was our honeymoon. PIL promised to let us have their house for our honeymoon but ended up staying there with us. Nothing we could do, it was completely awful but it’s their house. They ambushed us a bit so we couldn’t do anything at the time but OP, you have a chance to prevent this from happening. I like @AssignedBlobbyAtBirth plan! Good luck!

Original poster

notyouagainn · 16/01/2022 21:45

@HelloDulling

It sounds like you resent the unfair allocation of childcare. You choose to live further from your ILs, I’m sure if you lived closer, they would do the same for you.

On the overnight front, does your DD ever go for sleepovers? Start arranging those and you can go out when she’s staying at a friend’s house.

I do resent it (I know it's unreasonable) never done sleepovers either way. Not sure when's a good age to start? We do want her to have quality time with dgp and be close to them. She notices they take dgs out a lot and we don't want her to feel left out.

OP posts:

Silverswirl · 16/01/2022 21:48

@Hesma

Entitled is the word…. You sound like a spoilt teenage brat

Some of these replies sound entitled to high heaven. What I wouldn’t give to have grandparents who would look after my kids for even 1 afternoon let alone 2 nights. One set said they would absolutely love to help before I got pregnant (so we moved house close enough) but when the baby came that all soon changed and they couldn’t really help much (now it’s nothing at all several years later) The other set has health issues and can’t help at all 😢

Snoken · 16/01/2022 21:48

@eldersis

Very difficult but If your partner DOESN"T back you , either sex or marital status. Call it off.

What? It's her in-laws cottage! If someone asked to borrow my house, and then told me they would be using it as some sort of a sex dungeon, I would absolutely say no fucking way.

Silverswirl · 16/01/2022 21:52

@MarineBlue33

So if you only use your dh's family for looking after your 8 yo do, and you only use them every few months, what do you do the rest of the time? Do you both never need to be out together outside school hours? I would develop my circle of child care - you must have friends who can heip ?

🤣 plenty of couples have no time on their own outside of school hours! Me and my DH haven’t had any time outside school hours for years sadly!

greenlynx · 16/01/2022 22:11

I don’t think that you’re entitled or spoiled or unreasonable. I think your ILs just deliberately chose to be pretty thick about why you’ve asked them about staying at their cottage while they would look after your DD. It seems that your DH need to spell it out to them that you want to stay in the cottage without them while they look after DD at their house and ask them politely if it’s ok, could they commit to 2 nights or maybe at least one. The key is to be polite but clear and direct. They might have their reasons, we don’t know, you need to ask them.
Don’t tell them what you are going to do if their answer is no. They might agree feeling pressured and then come to the cottage anyway. Of course they could promise not to come and then come anyway…

I wouldn’t stay with them and DD in the cottage for your weekend. They would count it as a double favour to you later: you stayed in their cottage and they looked after DD. You will be better three of you somewhere tbh.

Tsuni · 16/01/2022 22:19

@Hesma

Entitled is the word…. You sound like a spoilt teenage brat

You sound like a grumpy 5 year old. Grow up.

Sproutpie · 16/01/2022 22:22

I really don’t understand why you’re asking. Surely you can speak to them and be honest. It might be an awkward conversation for you to start but they’re not going to insist on coming once you’ve explained.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 16/01/2022 22:30

You are not being unreasonable or 'ungrateful' at all. It would take a particularly thick skin to encroach on someone else's weekend away, to invite yourself (which isn't good manners in many circumstances), and then assume you'll be welcome. They've done this because they can, because it's their cottage.

I have in-laws with holiday let accommodation. We've never used it. These things so often come with strings attached, and I've no intention of being under a sense of obligation. In-laws have never looked after our child, ever (now 8) and my parents are unfortunately no longer around. As far as overnight stays are concerned we're on our own. But I'd rather have things this way than open myself up to manipulation: husband's parents are masters at this.

This isn't a comforting response OP, but if nothing else this is probably a useful lesson for the future. Time spent away in that property won't be on your terms as long as you're on their turf and can't reasonably object. I hope by some means you manage to enjoy the weekend away you so looked forward to, but their presence for the whole weekend does rather defeat the purpose.

Must be really disappointing, especially as we were all under house arrest for so long and travelling anywhere has been either prohibited or prohibitively expensive. It sucks.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7