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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH set up play date with random man in park

206 replies

BFPDec21 · 16/01/2022 18:48

He obviously had a kid with him but he's took his number for the playdate. DH has never seen him and our DC does not know the child other than playing in the park today.

I can't work out if I'm being overprotective.

YABU - This is fine
YANBU - This is weird

OP posts:
Mooloolabababy · 16/01/2022 23:09

I did this loads when living overseas, Met some good friends that way. Haven't done it since I moved back to the Uk though, doesn't seem as widely done over here.

Rangoon · 16/01/2022 23:55

I think that people who are voting that this is unreasonable are just not vocalising the fact that, statistically, men are much more likely to prey on children than women. I have sons and absolutely don't subscribe to the idea that all men or even most men are predators. But I would be less likely to leave my child with a man than with a woman. My husband would never have agreed to a male babysitter when our children were little either. This was not because he was sexist but he thought it was one way of reducing risk. Sensible men don't let themselves be put in a position of being wrongly accused either. My teenage son's male maths tutor who came to our house always insisted on being chaperoned. If they are meeting at the park and your DH is always present I can't see a problem with this though.

Original poster
BFPDec21 · 17/01/2022 00:40

@Collaborate

FFS there’s only one thing wierd here and that’s your reaction. To think you started a whole thread about this. I hope for your sake he doesn’t find out you’ve done this because if I were him I’d be wondering what kind of woman I was married to.
He knows I wasn't on board with it so our marriage will be fine, thank you.

I'm overprotective of my child stemming from childhood abuse. To me, if someone you know can abuse your child, you have to be very careful with the friends you choose to be around them. However, I also feel I'm from an area where this isn't the done thing either. DH is from somewhere with more community spirit.

I will happily tell my husband I was overreacting as the responses on this thread suggests.

OP posts:
LuckyMeISeeGhosts · 17/01/2022 01:03

@Italiangreyhound

My kids friends came from school, church or clubs etc and not random people we met in the park.
Surely those people at church and clubs were just 'random' people before you actually got to know them though?

What's the difference?

Marvellousmadness · 17/01/2022 01:16

You sound like youve lost the plot
He met a dad. With a kid. They set up a playdate. Sounds perfect

You are one of those helicopter mums ... eek

WorstXmasEver · 17/01/2022 01:17

I'm a dad & think this is weird.

avamiah · 17/01/2022 01:27

@WorstXmasEver

I'm a dad & think this is weird.
In what way is it weird?
Original poster
BFPDec21 · 17/01/2022 01:35

@Marvellousmadness DH openly admits he is the helicopter parent actually.

If you read the full thread, maybe you will understand my background in relation to making friends.

OP posts:
Aimeehedge · 17/01/2022 01:43

I’ve set up many play dates with random mums from playgroups, new nursery, new school, local festivals and even parks before, I’m sure it’s the same and ok for men

Aimeehedge · 17/01/2022 01:45

All friends were ransoms at first

Aimeehedge · 17/01/2022 01:45

Randoms not ransoms!

Autocorrect!

I don’t ransom my friends!

LadyPropane · 17/01/2022 01:53

It depends. If he's planning on leaving his child alone with this person, that's pretty concerning.

If he will be present for the playdate then I can't see any issue at all.

ShaneTheThird · 17/01/2022 01:57

Op yabu but that's understandable with your back ground. As long as DH is present at the play date at all times this is actually very sweet and lovely and yes a great way to make new friends.

tillytown · 17/01/2022 02:05

OP, I wouldn't be comfort with this either. If the kids were friends, then fine, if your husband had seen the guy before, again fine, but a complete stranger would be a no.

tillytown · 17/01/2022 02:06

*comfortable

Mamanyt · 17/01/2022 02:18

So long as he is going to be present at the play date, I see no problem with it. Women do this all the time. We cannot complain that men don't take sufficient responsibility in fathering if we go to pieces every time they make a decision about fathering. Just tell him, calmly, that you do expect him to be there, and be thankful that he is that involved.

mathanxiety · 17/01/2022 02:34

As long as he isn't planning on leaving DC alone with the other parent I don't see a problem. This is kind of how making new friends works.

I disagree.

You meet in the park a few times, and if the children get on then you start thinking about playdates. Foisting a playdate on a child who doesn't know the other child is weird.

greenteafiend · 17/01/2022 03:19

As long as there is at least one adult from each side present when the kids are playing together, it's fine.

That said, if I was suggesting "why don't we meet and let the kids play together again?" I would suggest meeting at the same park or perhaps a different public place, and would not go to the house of someone I'd only met once. Not safety exactly, just that I'd like time to suss them out in case they turn out to be a bit weird/annoying/whatever--I wouldn't want to feel "obliged" to hang out in their house for hours if I was starting to realize I didn't like them as much as I'd thought.

Gargellen · 17/01/2022 07:20

I was a step mum. This is how my DSC got into a TV advert. Just got chatting to another mum at the park. They are still friends 25 years later.

Italiangreyhound · 17/01/2022 07:57

LuckyMeISeeGhosts

"Italiangreyhound

My kids friends came from school, church or clubs etc and not random people we met in the park.

Surely those people at church and clubs were just 'random' people before you actually got to know them though?

What's the difference?"

The difference for me is before we arrange a playdate we get to a know a person, a child my child may want to play with, a parent I want to hang out with.

Usually the child is part of the class my kid is in, or a club or church group with the other child and get to know eachother.

I would also get to know the other mum.

Even with this care my child had one or two playdates that have not been fun, where the other child was unpleasant to my kid in their own home or in the other kids own home, and so I'd want to avoid that possibility.

I also think terminology plays into it. For me a 'play date' Is usually in each others houses. Meeting up again at the same park wouldn't be called a play date.

Imagine if the kids don't get on, but now some random has your number and is calling yo arrange a get-together because their kid did enjoy it?

Could be annoying.

Where as you meet a mum at the school gates every day for a few weeks and you know your kid and their kid get on. Then she invites you back, great.

Bananarama21 · 17/01/2022 08:03

What is the issue you wouldnt batter an eyelid if it was 2 woman not all.men are predators

RedskyThisNight · 17/01/2022 08:39

Imagine if the kids don't get on, but now some random has your number and is calling yo arrange a get-together because their kid did enjoy it?

To be fair, this is more of a problem when it's a non-random that has your number. With a random you can just block them and never see them again.

For me a 'play date' Is usually in each others houses. Meeting up again at the same park wouldn't be called a play date.
For me a "play date" is arranging to meet to play. Which could be anywhere, including at the park, or soft play, or a toddler group, or at someone's house.

I personally think it's very hard to get to know other parents that well that you meet at toddler clubs. I made a good friend through meeting the same parent and her child at library story time every week - we never really got chance to talk as the environment didn't allow it, until one day I asked her if she wanted to go back to mine for coffee. If I'd waited until I got to know her properly first, it would never have happened. I'd say the same thing about those who say they first chatted to the other parent in (e.g) the school parent. I doubt that you really got to know them that well based on broken 5 minute chats here and there - it was just the illusion that you'd seen them every day that made you think you had.

LuckyMeISeeGhosts · 17/01/2022 08:45

Imagine if the kids don't get on, but now some random has your number and is calling yo arrange a get-together because their kid did enjoy it?

... you'd just block them then.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 17/01/2022 09:01

@LuckyMeISeeGhosts

Imagine if the kids don't get on, but now some random has your number and is calling yo arrange a get-together because their kid did enjoy it?

... you'd just block them then.

You say 'no thanks' or make an excuse, or block them.

What's so hard about that which makes it such a risky possibly as weighed against making a new friend or acquaintance?

RedCandyApple · 17/01/2022 09:38

Then imagine you see them after blocking,
That wouldn’t be awkward at all 🙄

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