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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are WE being unreasonable?

337 replies

Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 09:34

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

OP posts:
WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 12:59

@ZenNudist

YABU and controlling. You don't get to say who comes. If MIL is OK with it so should you. Also your dc and dns are very likely to bring a friend to family events as they get older. It must be a good friend to come along to this. "Raging" about it does no good.
You think a scattering of the ashes is akin to a family event?

Jesus Christ

ESGdance · 16/01/2022 13:01

I am really glad that you all were able to get through this very a difficult moment with warmth, compassion and dignity.

I am pleased for your MIL and also that your DH and his DS got through the moment.

Seems she reined herself in.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 16/01/2022 13:05

judge

Could be anything really, we’ve only got the OPs post and although I’m sure she would have mentioned something like that she may not have done

But i still think that whatever the circumstances it should be MILs ultimate decision

HeadNorth · 16/01/2022 13:10

It is absolutely not worth making a fuss over and overshadowing a difficult occasion for everyone, especially your MIL. Let it go.

CornishGem1975 · 16/01/2022 13:28

I don't think anyone gets the monopoly on grieving, everyone has lost a family member, and for that reason I said YABU, what does it really matter if one more person is there. Wouldn't be able to get worked up over it.

Happyher · 16/01/2022 13:29

Is it not up to your in laws who is part of their group attending? They may have a totally different perspective about what’s appropriate. I think emotions are running high and everyone is a little sensitive. Be grateful you are all able to attend unlike during the pandemic and let everyone grieve in their own way

MananaTomorrow · 16/01/2022 13:30

@Vindicated2021

Thank you all for your responses.

We got to where we needed to go and DN was there without her friend.

Not a word was mentioned about it. We all stood round in a huddle with cuddles and hand holding. Had a few tears and a few laughs and he is now in the most beautiful of spots, exactly where he wanted to be. DH and SIL had a moment alone.

No animosity, just a beautiful family moment.

That’s a great outcome all around.
NewMessageFrom · 16/01/2022 13:30

[quote OrangeShark27]@WinnersDinner I know it's not a funeral but that doesn't change the fact she will likely need support. I would have found going to the scattering of my grandparents ashes quite scary at that age, and I imagine a likely scenario is she has confided in a friend that she is worried about going and the friend has offered to come to make it easier for her.[/quote]
I would have found going to the scattering of my grandparents ashes quite scary at that age
At 21???

SailingNotSurfing · 16/01/2022 13:34

I'm surprised the friend has agreed to go - if I were the friend, I'd arrange to meet up afterwards, not actually attend the event. Scattering ashes is very much a family occasion, unless the friend was very close to FIL, which she obviously isn't.

StCharlotte · 16/01/2022 13:36

@Flamingofeathers

I think your DH should recognise that he has you for support in a way that he wouldn’t lean on his DM for support. Why shouldn’t the Niece get support in that way too, it’s v different being supported by a friend than by family at that age.
Yes. When I was 16 and my dad died, my aunt was appalled that my best friend was with me in the front row as "she's not family". My mum put her firmly in her place.
BigYellowHat · 16/01/2022 13:37

I think it’s weird that this girl wants to come. Unless she’s actually a girlfriend rather than a friend? That would make it different.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 13:38

@woowoowaa

YABU Definitely nothing to do with you. Your husband is bringing YOU for support. For all you know other members of DH will feel inhibited by you being there.
She's family...not a random the others don't know!

Luckily all sorted now

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 13:38

@Ikona

I'm glad it went well, but it's a non-issue and you're both being unreasonable to be so annoyed by it. If she had brought a friend for support that's fine, there's absolutely no reason to give it any more thought let alone be so angry about it.
Lack of empathy on here is something else!
Sally872 · 16/01/2022 13:39

Lovely update. Glad it went well and looks like nice and sil considered dh feelings after the initial defensive reaction. Glad it all went well.

StCharlotte · 16/01/2022 13:40

Glad it went well OP.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 13:41

@Forgoatssake

Your mother in law might not want you there Your sister in law might not want you there.

She certainly will if she sees this bitchy thread or it gets picked up in the DM.

You are no one to them, but you are allowed to go as support for your husband. Who the hell do you think you are to decide who should not go and to post publicly about your sil in her time of grief?

I'm so sorry for the young woman who wasn't allowed to have any support as she spread her dead grandfather's ashes, because you as a non family member and your controlling husband decided to make things uncomfortable for them.

Wow!

Controlling?

And the husband is the son of the deceased, so yes, he has a say.

And the young woman (if you read the updates) had her whole family for support

BTW, the 'bitchy' parts of this thread are some of the replies

ArabellaScott · 16/01/2022 13:42

@Vindicated2021

Thank you all for your responses.

We got to where we needed to go and DN was there without her friend.

Not a word was mentioned about it. We all stood round in a huddle with cuddles and hand holding. Had a few tears and a few laughs and he is now in the most beautiful of spots, exactly where he wanted to be. DH and SIL had a moment alone.

No animosity, just a beautiful family moment.

Glad to hear it. My condolences. Flowers
Original poster
Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 13:43

It really was beautiful. Never realised how heavy ashes are (if that makes sense?!) He was always watching his weight when he was alive so a couple of jokes were made. Was absolutely perfect and the sun was shining 😌

OP posts:
FryingpanintoFire · 16/01/2022 13:46

Forgoatssake

Your post is in very bad taste as well as making no sense.

WeAllHaveWings · 16/01/2022 13:48

Glad it all appeared to work out on the day, emotions would have been running high, but hitting the roof was unreasonable. Your niece wanting to bring a friend wasn't unreasonable.

It changed the idea your dh's had fixed in his head of what he wanted for the day, but he wasn't the only one grieving and he could have compromised.

YouokHun · 16/01/2022 13:48

I can see both points of view. My DF died during lockdown and we interred his ashes in July so I have recent experience of this from an emotional point of view. What I found, and perhaps what your DH and your SiL are feeling, is that I had so much emotion which I needed to direct somewhere. In my case it was hurt then anger that my best friend never acknowledged my DF’s illness and death (and never has Confused). The behaviour of others whether deliberate or unintended is felt very intensely. I’ve had to watch myself because things can eat away at me in a way they might not have done before and I suspect it’s a way of distracting myself.

There isn’t a right way to do these things but I can see how having someone there who no one knows will feel like an intrusion. The DN and friend are young and probably haven’t thought about this perspective. Your SiL is grieving too so perhaps she hasn’t the headspace to tell your DN what to do and is happy to facilitate whatever helps her DC.

I think your DH has to try not to let it become something that blows up and becomes something he ruminates over or something that creates a permanent falling out as it’s easy for that to happen at this time, but it’s the last thing anyone needs, especially your MiL.

I hope it went well and you were able to focus on your FiL. Today would have been my DF’s birthday so I am similarly focused on him today. None of the other stuff really matters.

YouokHun · 16/01/2022 13:50

Apologies, you updated while I was slowly typing! Glad it went well.

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2022 13:52

I would find this weird and very intrusive, but your DH needs to calm down, if only for his mum’s sake.

PinkSyCo · 16/01/2022 13:54

Whoops I see the scattering has already happened. Glad it went well.

Original poster
Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 14:01

@YouokHun

Sending my bestest thoughts to you today, and thank you for your reply Flowers

OP posts:
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