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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Are WE being unreasonable?

337 replies

Vindicated2021 · 16/01/2022 09:34

Scattering FILs ashes today.

There will be MIL, me, DH and 2 DDs.
SIL, BIL, DD21, DS17, DD13.

Just getting ready to leave and SIL texts to say "Oh just to let you know DD21 is bringing along a friend for support"

I feel its inappropriate but my DH has hit the roof. No one knows this girl apart from DD21. SIL and BIL have only met her a handful of times.

DH (and I) believe it should be a private family affair without some random girl there who never knew FIL. He said it would feel "awkward". He messaged back saying very politely that he wouldn't feel comfortable and that the whole family would be there to offer cuddles and tissues.

SIL has text back saying "How dare he dictate to her how her family should grieve and that whether he likes it or not she's coming and he needs to get over it as it's not all about him" (she is known to make and like a drama).

We are now heading to what should be a lovely family time of memories and reflection, and DH is raging and I know there is going to be a horrible atmosphere.

Are we being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

tolerable · 16/01/2022 12:34

sorry,i think yabu.
sil advance warned you.She wasnt seek approval,(and u dont know for sure she does)
unless dd21s friend strolls up with a dd21s grandads name tatoo 'd n performs an accordian lament..shes proli gony be feel pretty awkward.
pick your fights.
not today.
x

TabithaTittlemouse · 16/01/2022 12:35

@Vindicated2021

Thank you all for your responses.

We got to where we needed to go and DN was there without her friend.

Not a word was mentioned about it. We all stood round in a huddle with cuddles and hand holding. Had a few tears and a few laughs and he is now in the most beautiful of spots, exactly where he wanted to be. DH and SIL had a moment alone.

No animosity, just a beautiful family moment.

I’m glad that it turned out okay. I’m sorry for your loss.

I wouldn’t have liked it either.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 12:36

@tolerable maybe read the whole thread? (I think. I am too old for all that text speal malarkey!)

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 12:37

@Mischance

I do not see a problem at all. Why cause a family row over nothing at all.

It isn't nothing at all. It's not the same as a funeral, it is usually quite private and special with specific family and friends invited.

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 16/01/2022 12:37

You cannot dictate how others grieve, nor those who offer support. DD2’s friend is there to support her, I doubt she’ll care how everyone chooses to grieve today. Focus on your own grief & support.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 12:38

@ConsiderablyRicherThanYow

A 21 year old woman can, of course, bring a single friend for support to a funeral. It is very unreasonable for another attendee to suggest otherwise and to rage about it.

It's not a funeral!!

It's what is usually a special, private remembrance

LizzieSiddal · 16/01/2022 12:38

I’m so glad the friend did not attend and it went well.

Ileflottante · 16/01/2022 12:38

I wouldn’t say either are massively unreasonable really, but your SIL has subsequently behaved like a dick. Maybe the daughter has inherited the mother’s penchant for drama, hence requiring an additional friend/observer, rather than seeking comfort from her family.

Flipflopblowout · 16/01/2022 12:40

Your DH has got some fairly rigid ideas on how the day will roll out. He needs to step back a little bit and take stock.

DaggerIsle · 16/01/2022 12:41

OP it sounds like everything went as peacefully as it could have done.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 12:41

@Medievalist

However, I suspect your 21 year old niece is also uncomfortable at the thought of the event planned for today and feels happier having a friend nearby for support.

DN should have been told very firmly that the day is not about her and that, as an adult, she needs to put her own discomfort aside and consider whether the woman who is scattering her DH's ashes would wish the event to be observed by a complete stranger. (Sounds as if DMIL has reluctantly agreed to this in order to keep the peace).

Ash scattering is deeply personal. My dsis and I were the only people involved in scattering our dps' ashes. Family and friends had been to the funerals.

Scattering of ashes isn't a funeral (for those on here with poor reading/comprehension skills)

It is a private memorial/personal event limited to those who knew the deceased and were invited by the next of kin.

Not a spectator sport. And the niece should have been told this by her parents.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 12:43

@BurntO

I’d hate it to OP. A funeral? Fine. But for the ashes I think it is inappropriate realistically what could SIL do though? Her child is grieving too and she probably felt she couldn’t say no

Of course you can say No.

A simple 'friend didn't know grandad so it's not appropriate' would suffice

Did the niece require support at the funeral?

PurpleFlower1983 · 16/01/2022 12:43

I think YABU, sorry.

Nanny0gg · 16/01/2022 12:44

Phew! Glad sense prevailed and all went well.

However well they go, they're always very emotional times.

Blueberryflavour · 16/01/2022 12:44

My MIL died last year and just before Christmas her ashes were scattered. I didn’t go along even though I have been with my DH for nearly 30 years and did go to her funeral ( very restricted numbers due to Covid restrictions) Ashes scattering IMO is a very private occasion much more so than a funeral. My DH and his sibling went and our son and 2 of his 3 cousins went, one of the grandchildren felt it would be too upsetting ( they found the funeral very hard) so chose not to go. No one took actual partners along never mind randoms my DH would have been extremely upset at a situation like you are facing.

MGMidget · 16/01/2022 12:44

I think its a bit out of order to bring a stranger to this type of event for moral support and for your SIL to have sprung it on your DH at the last minute has rightly caused some upset. If MIL was genuinely OK with it (and not just intimidated into agreeing it or feeling in no fit state to express a view) then I would say you would just accept it and carry on as though the friend wasnt there. If MIL was not happy about it I would be very cross too but would try and save the fury for a later discussion and focus on the grieving and the moment at the event.

user1493494961 · 16/01/2022 12:45

Pleased it all went well.

woowoowaa · 16/01/2022 12:47

YABU
Definitely nothing to do with you. Your husband is bringing YOU for support. For all you know other members of DH will feel inhibited by you being there.

ArrrMeHearties · 16/01/2022 12:48

Sil is being unreasonable. Dn's friend can see her after the scattering surely?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 16/01/2022 12:48

@woowoowaa

YABU Definitely nothing to do with you. Your husband is bringing YOU for support. For all you know other members of DH will feel inhibited by you being there.

Maybe read the whole thread first.

Ikona · 16/01/2022 12:50

I'm glad it went well, but it's a non-issue and you're both being unreasonable to be so annoyed by it. If she had brought a friend for support that's fine, there's absolutely no reason to give it any more thought let alone be so angry about it.

RufustheFloralmissingreindeer · 16/01/2022 12:54

Glad it worked out for you all vindicated 💐

Forgoatssake · 16/01/2022 12:57

Your mother in law might not want you there
Your sister in law might not want you there.

She certainly will if she sees this bitchy thread or it gets picked up in the DM.

You are no one to them, but you are allowed to go as support for your husband. Who the hell do you think you are to decide who should not go and to post publicly about your sil in her time of grief?

I'm so sorry for the young woman who wasn't allowed to have any support as she spread her dead grandfather's ashes, because you as a non family member and your controlling husband decided to make things uncomfortable for them.

WinnersDinner · 16/01/2022 12:57

@Forgoatssake

Your mother in law might not want you there Your sister in law might not want you there.

She certainly will if she sees this bitchy thread or it gets picked up in the DM.

You are no one to them, but you are allowed to go as support for your husband. Who the hell do you think you are to decide who should not go and to post publicly about your sil in her time of grief?

You think someone who actually knows the deceased is nothing yet a stranger is ok?

JudgeJ · 16/01/2022 12:58

@RufustheFloralmissingreindeer

I’d hate to think my family would be squabbling at my funeral over who is invited

But it's not a funeral - it's a scattering of ashes.

Agreed…I don’t know why people keep saying its a funeral…they are two very different things and its MIL who decides (ultimately) what happens to the ashes and in what circumstances

It is a scattering of the ashes but is it possible that the family were unable to be together for the funeral due to restrictions and that this is the first chance they have to say goodbye together? That's what happened in my family, my OH died at the start of lockdown and we were unable to be together until we interred the ashes last year.

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