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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Those who say "that's a deal breaker for me, I'd leave."

135 replies

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 15/01/2022 13:48

AIBU to think that posters who say "that's a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. It would be instantly over."when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time, are probably single or not in marriages with mortgages and children?

OP posts:
RedCandyApple · 15/01/2022 14:04

Oh I actually think it’s the opposite, ime they are usually married but easy to comment on what you would do when you are not in the situation. People that say it usually put up with a lot of crap themselves

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2022 14:07

I think they're just slapping at their keyboards to be honest.

I also think there are certain 'learned' MN responses that people just post for the sake of it, and in their own real lives they'd never entertain the 'advice' they're dishing out.

Strokethefurrywall · 15/01/2022 14:07

It’s a ridiculous knee jerk reaction from many who definitely wouldn’t drop everything and leave.
As if you would split your family apart over a one off comment or poorly timed joke.

Physical violence is the only time I would drop and leave on the first offense and perhaps following a pattern of shit behavior, but one off? No.

sleaf · 15/01/2022 14:09

I cannot abide the posters who advise to LTB, even if the OP has nowhere to go, no support, no money, no job, family or friends. "Surely friends and family will rally round" or "don't you have any friends or family?"

Also the posters who tell the OP to book a spa weekend away.

Justcantdeal · 15/01/2022 14:09

Agree with pp I actually think they are married. I get so sick of reading ltb or deal breaker over something which most of the time is minor.

RedCandyApple · 15/01/2022 14:10

Im single and certainly wouldn’t advise anyone to leave a relationship over a silly minor comment as I know how hard being a single parent is so I think yabu to assume it’s something only single people say

CandleWick4 · 15/01/2022 14:12

Agree. It’s just one of those MN responses. That would be a dealbreaker, LTB, call 111, log with the police and so forth and so forth for eternity!

Spartak · 15/01/2022 14:13

I'm single, mid 40s and no kids. Not through choice, I've just not met anyone special.

If I had met someone I liked enough to marry, I'd not be binning them off over a stupid joke or comment.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 15/01/2022 14:13

Annoys me more when people say fucking unhelpful shit like “why did you have children with this man?” Or “if you think he’s a liar why are you with him etc” as if these things are always obvious from the get go, or as if it’s so simple to extricate oneself from a bad marriage.

phishy · 15/01/2022 14:13

No, I think they know that women post here when they’re usually at the end of their tether and a whole host of shit things have happened to get them to this point.

traintraveller · 15/01/2022 14:15

I don't think they're single but often when I see it posted for something minor I think would you fuck

Lubeyboobyalt · 15/01/2022 14:15

I'm quick to say LTB - but I've been through several shit relationships, one of them abusive, and then got my daughter out of a violent relationship and supported her through the freedom programme and a couple of others from our local domestic violence group/team.

I've learned a lot over the years about what is a huge red flag, or even the early signs of a red flag about to appear

I'm in a great relationship now where we respect, love and look out for each other. Neither of us make anything difficult for each other. IMHO anything less than that is not acceptable - and he's not some sort of saint he's just normal, this is how it should be.

It's awful seeing people struggle with anything from inept dickheads who don't deserve them to worse, could harm them or their kids, and everything in between.

The more people who take a stand against shitty behavior the better

WorraLiberty · 15/01/2022 14:16

@phishy

No, I think they know that women post here when they’re usually at the end of their tether and a whole host of shit things have happened to get them to this point.
They may think they know.

I mean not all women only post at the end of their tether, so that's a silly assumption for them to make whilst dishing out the 'LTB' advice.

I think it's far more likely they're at the end of their own tether - hence the massive projection over minor issues.

Imayhaveerred · 15/01/2022 14:16

But it’s so rarely a one-off. There’s another thread that started with a question about the husband bringing supermarket frozen pizza instead of a take-out treat - a few posts in and it turns out the guy is massively hung up on money and very financially controlling.

Does anyone really post here for a “first offence”? Or is it to get views on something that just no longer feels right.

Freecuthbert · 15/01/2022 14:16

It's ridiculous. It puts me off ever venting about one off and lighthearted disagreements in my relationship on here because my relationship would be torn to shreds by the dealbreaker/LTB brigade and I can't be arsed to defend myself for the sake of a little vent. I also hate it when posters say "and why did you have a child with this man?". Maybe he changed after the children, maybe pregnancy was unplanned but the woman chose to keep the baby as is her right, maybe children were desperately wanted regardless of who with, or any number of reasons. I think these people are probably projecting about their own relationship troubles, who knows.

AuntieStella · 15/01/2022 14:17

Reminding people that you don't have to put up with shitty behaviour is always useful.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 15/01/2022 14:19

when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time,

It’s never a one off/first time. Never.

Kshhuxnxk · 15/01/2022 14:19

I left a relationship because of a dealbreaker situation. I was quite aware that I would be on the breadline but that didn't matter because I wasn't willing to stay in that relationship. I am however a seriously strong person and the thought of being with someone who brought me to a dealbreaker situation was way worse than being poor. For me dealbreaker has to be abuse / being unfaithful. Stupid drunken unfunny jokes don't count IMO.

AuntieStella · 15/01/2022 14:19

I also hate it when posters say "and why did you have a child with this man?"

Agreed - spectacularly useless question once the DC exist!

phishy · 15/01/2022 14:20

I mean not all women only post at the end of their tether, so that's a silly assumption for them to make whilst dishing out the 'LTB' advice.

When women post and get a majority LTB, they are at the of their tether.

I think it's far more likely they're at the end of their own tether - hence the massive projection over minor issues.

LTBs for small issues are a minority though.

phishy · 15/01/2022 14:21

@Imayhaveerred

But it’s so rarely a one-off. There’s another thread that started with a question about the husband bringing supermarket frozen pizza instead of a take-out treat - a few posts in and it turns out the guy is massively hung up on money and very financially controlling.

Does anyone really post here for a “first offence”? Or is it to get views on something that just no longer feels right.

To be fair, that poster turned out to be a PBP 🤣
Letsallscreamatthesistene · 15/01/2022 14:22

My immediate impression of them is that they're either very unworldly and dont REALLY know what they'd do, or completely lack the ability to see shades of grey.

phishy · 15/01/2022 14:24

@Imayhaveerred

Does anyone really post here for a “first offence”? Or is it to get views on something that just no longer feels right.

Otherwise, I totally agree with you, it’s the latter in most cases.

dreamingbohemian · 15/01/2022 14:27

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time,

It’s never a one off/first time. Never.

Exactly

I would say about 90% of the time, what seems to be relatively minor or a one-off gradually turns out to be part of a much bigger problem that is genuinely LTB territory

I don't agree that people say LTB too much on MN. I think far too many women here put up with absolutely shocking behaviour and need to hear it's okay to leave.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/01/2022 14:27

I've maybe used ltb twice.

But I often post that a behaviour would make me reconsider or leave. Because, after 37 years of marriage, there are some things I am 100% certain I couldn't live with.

So I would usually suggest an OP reconsiders what they will / will not put up with.

But if the post is about a man living with and off a woman, taking money, food, housing, and returning nothing whatsoever, by an OP who is at the very end if her tether, then yes, I'd probably suggest he is 'popped outside' and set free. Because often that is the support that is needed - would it be OK tondo this, to feel like this.

As far as the thread I assume you are referring to, yes. I would leave. Because the whole conversation started with what I would consider to be an intrusion upon my privacy, uncaring, just not a topic I would be comfortable being casually chatted about.