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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Those who say "that's a deal breaker for me, I'd leave."

135 replies

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 15/01/2022 13:48

AIBU to think that posters who say "that's a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. It would be instantly over."when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time, are probably single or not in marriages with mortgages and children?

OP posts:
Ohpulltheotherone · 15/01/2022 14:27

Well not really no, some people have very strong boundaries which have been learned through vast life experience.

Example - I had an abusive relationship in my early 20s. It was sometimes physical but the worst part was how he spoke to me, the derogative language, insults etc.

The outcome of that relationship is that now I would never allow derogatory language towards me. I would never allow a man to insult my body, my character- even in the heat of the moment or as a “joke”. You can call me an arsehole if I’m being one but I would not tolerate being called a stupid bitch or a fat cow or a dirty slut or some other combination of disgusting language. I wouldn’t fucking tolerate it for a second.

Mortgage / kids or not. If other women want to be in a relationship where their partner calls them a stupid bitch then that’s their choice but for me it IS a dealbreaker. End of.

Also same with someone with addiction issues - I’ve been there and done it. I wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a man who drank regularly to excess and was problematic because of it.
If they refused to get help or makes changes then that would be it.

Deciding on your own boundaries and enforcing them is important. Everyone’s will be different, my expectations are very high. I wouldn’t entertain a piece of shit for a partner but some people will.

Why are you triggered by people having different boundaries to you?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/01/2022 14:29

I agree to some extent. For example there was an example a few days ago where the husband had a severe migraine and had called her a bitch, and it was clear that it was completely out of character and he was ill. If you've lived with a nice normal gentle person for years and they have a random (non violent) moment then I think in most cases people would want to understand why and wouldnt leave.

However.

There are lots of posters who say it's the first time that their partner has ever done something and then from follow up things they say its clear that they are in general a selfish / aggressive/ nasty dickhead. The whole 'hes a great dad, my kids would miss him' when they are mean and snappy with the kids, never do any parenting, never spend any family time and they are effectively a single parent, and if you read a lot of threads it becomes clear that its not actually a one of, its symptomatic of the type of person the partner is generally.

For example I wouldn't leave someone over one mis judged rape joke. I would leave someone if they didn't get why that was offensive, thought rape was funny, thought some women deserved it, etc etc etc and were just generally a misogynist bastard, and in some cases from what posters say it is obvious that the rape joke is the tip of the iceberg in their views on women.

Also I do think some posters are coming from a place of 'look I put up with stuff like this for 15 years and it never ever changed, I wish I'd cut my losses and left at the first sign' which is fair enough based on their experience (though if someone had told them that 15 years ago they probably wouldn't have listened anyway)

phishy · 15/01/2022 14:32

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

That thread was just odd. The OP was posting in acute detail of every medical call / visit and then blamed posters for making her take him to hispital.

AuntieStella · 15/01/2022 14:51

Also I do think some posters are coming from a place of 'look I put up with stuff like this for 15 years and it never ever changed, I wish I'd cut my losses and left at the first sign' which is fair enough based on their experience (though if someone had told them that 15 years ago they probably wouldn't have listened anyway)

Interesting point - I think providing an environment that is telling people now (ie at their start, not 15 years in) is valuable. It seeds the idea that it's not right, and they shouldn't have to put up with it. So perhaps they see it for what it is in 5 years not 15. And generally says that it's OK to expect to be treated well, and that lapses matter

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 15/01/2022 14:56

Yabu

I don’t like threads trying to devalue what posters have said on other threads - it’s as bad as a TAAT, with the small loophole that it’s about several threads

I didn’t advise the particular posters you mention to LTB, but I have said it when I think is needed. I left a bastard myself a few years ago and it’s made my life immeasurably better.

I’m not sure why you think posters’ views are devalued if they are single or divorced - surely those who walk the walk have more right to talk the talk!

Sparklfairy · 15/01/2022 14:58

I'm single but have been known to say it when I know it doesn't get better, having been through it myself. So with hindsight I wish I had left at the start of the behaviour, even though I was stupid and stuck around.

CandleWick4 · 15/01/2022 15:05

@Freecuthbert

It's ridiculous. It puts me off ever venting about one off and lighthearted disagreements in my relationship on here because my relationship would be torn to shreds by the dealbreaker/LTB brigade and I can't be arsed to defend myself for the sake of a little vent. I also hate it when posters say "and why did you have a child with this man?". Maybe he changed after the children, maybe pregnancy was unplanned but the woman chose to keep the baby as is her right, maybe children were desperately wanted regardless of who with, or any number of reasons. I think these people are probably projecting about their own relationship troubles, who knows.
I once commented on a thread and mentioned how I feel like my DH comes and goes as he pleases where as I have to sort childcare etc more than he does. Someone called him all kinds it was horrible. My DH is great, but sometimes does little things that piss me off and that’s ok. But he was called something awful and I ended up having my comment deleted because it upset me so much.
FKATondelayo · 15/01/2022 15:07

Mumsnet is the one place where you get told to LTB. The rest of the world insists you must work on it, communicate, make an effort, go to counselling, improve yourself - all for some abusive loser. I've never seen an unearned LTB. Women have very low standards for men. If we had higher standards and expectations for them we wouldn't be in this mess.

My mum LTB when she had NOTHING - no job, no family, no money, no car, no support. It was the only choice she had.

I've never seen anyone recommend a spa day. That's a bigfoot type myth.

BoodleBug51 · 15/01/2022 15:07

A grown man with kids shouldn't be getting so drunk that their wife has to "manage" their behaviour and deal with the fallout.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, as both my uncles have also turned out to be. I've seen what my Nan and my Aunties have had to endure.... and believe me, there's fuck all to laugh about it.

So when I've posted that something like that would be a deal breaker for me, I've 100% meant it.

gindreams · 15/01/2022 15:09

@ItsAllAboutTheLighting

Yes because all us single childless people know nothing about life

What a simplistic and patronising post

thecatsthecats · 15/01/2022 15:09

Reminds me of when I was learning to drive.

I sacked off my first instructor. By the time I was on my fifth (through a series of misfortunes), I was nearing my test. My last instructor stank of fags, was annoying, and xenophobic. I'd call those deal breakers normally.

But... I was so close to my test. There was no way I'd have stuck with him if it were my first lesson, but in the circumstances I did.

Everyone's deal breakers are flexible really.

WonderfulYou · 15/01/2022 15:10

A lot of posters tell people to leave over minor things and I often think they’re not thinking realistically.

However, everyone has a line that if someone crosses that would be it. This line is different for different people.

Sometimes I find it frustrating that posters are too quick to say LTB because often people will start a thread where there is actual abuse or actions that are unforgivable but the OPs don’t leave and I wonder if they don’t take it seriously enough.

BoredZelda · 15/01/2022 15:13

I actually think that people who don’t have a red line for what they are willing to accept in a marriage are much worse off.

My “dealbreakers” are pretty major things and I absolutely would leave my husband if he did any of them. Just as I would except he would leave me if I did the same.

I don’t often use a LTB response in a thread, but there are some situations where an OP should absolutely get themselves out of the relationship often only for the benefit of their children. To suggest that some people wouldn’t or shouldn’t leave a partner in some of the situations people post about on here is ridiculous.

TracyMosby · 15/01/2022 15:13

Whenever I have said LTB it is because the man is already abusive or the behaviour he is currently displaying is a massive red flag. Sometimes bunting. My husband of 15 years does by far the most housework and is an equal parent.

I always think those people who think all red flag / abusive behaviours should be ignored are in absolutely shitty behaviour and judge every other man by how shit theirs is. You even see it written frequently. For example, ‘He only pays cms every so often? Be grateful! Mine never paid a penny!’ ‘Your dh is strategically incompetent! Be grateful! Mine does nothing.’

Encouraging women to continue relationships with shit men because your own is more shit is not good advice.

BoredZelda · 15/01/2022 15:14

Everyone's deal breakers are flexible really.

Mine aren’t. I couldn’t live with my husband if he was found eg with child porn on his computer.

TracyMosby · 15/01/2022 15:15

I always think those people who think all red flag / abusive behaviours should be ignored are in absolutely shitty behaviour
Are in absolutely shitty marriages.
Fgs why can we not edit!

TracyMosby · 15/01/2022 15:16

@FKATondelayo

Mumsnet is the one place where you get told to LTB. The rest of the world insists you must work on it, communicate, make an effort, go to counselling, improve yourself - all for some abusive loser. I've never seen an unearned LTB. Women have very low standards for men. If we had higher standards and expectations for them we wouldn't be in this mess.

My mum LTB when she had NOTHING - no job, no family, no money, no car, no support. It was the only choice she had.

I've never seen anyone recommend a spa day. That's a bigfoot type myth.

This in spades.

RAISE YOUR STANDARDS!

OhWhyNot · 15/01/2022 15:20

It depends on the thread

The most recent one was just ridiculously high drama

I’ve also found those that shout the loudest about what they won’t put up with are they very ones that do put up with a rubbish partner

headunderthewater · 15/01/2022 15:20

I’m much more worried about the women with low bars tbh.
I mean they are so LOW!!
I didn’t think any woman these days would deal any of the shit I read here.

The shit so many of you put up with!
Why?
Are they/you so scared of being alone?
Again, why?

EmpressCixi · 15/01/2022 15:22

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time,

It’s never a one off/first time. Never.

There’s a first time for everything, so it is literally impossible for an event to never be a one off/first time.
SunshineInMyTea · 15/01/2022 15:24

By ”joke” do you mean the boyfriend ”joking” about raping the OP?

I didn’t comment on that thread, but yes, I hope any woman would leave a man like him.

And yes, I am single.
But I think I’d still be a good person if I was currently in a relationship.

IWillFindYou · 15/01/2022 15:27

Usually it seem married women who have tolerated years of shit for their ”D”H wants everyone else to have low bar too.

My attention seems to go to the minimising comments from other women and I just can’t believe they are real.

RedskyThisNight · 15/01/2022 15:28

I think people are far to quick to jump to deal breaker, based on one side of the story. Yes, sometimes if emerges that what the OP is posting about is the thin end of the wedge and there is some quite serious abuse going on, but sometimes it equally is just a poster going through a temporary period of frustration and letting off steam. Or a poster who is actually the unreasonable one but deliberately posting a very biased view in order to get validation. And whilst some people are very balanced in their responses, there are an awful lot of posters who will jump straight to the man being in the wrong despite no real evidence to this. A recent thread where the OP found a receipt for jewellery is a good example - lots of LTBs and shouts of "affair" whereas it turned out the jewellery was actually a present for a relative.

EmpressCixi · 15/01/2022 15:29

Women have very low standards for men. If we had higher standards and expectations for them we wouldn't be in this mess.

So it’s our fault as women that some men are shit. Raising our standards will magically result in shit men turning into Prince Charmings.

TracyMosby · 15/01/2022 15:31

@EmpressCixi

Women have very low standards for men. If we had higher standards and expectations for them we wouldn't be in this mess.

So it’s our fault as women that some men are shit. Raising our standards will magically result in shit men turning into Prince Charmings.

It is their fault they are shit.

It is your fault if you choose to be with a shit one though isnt it? If you raise your standards, you leave the shit ones at date 3.