Those who say "that's a deal breaker for me, I'd leave."

[ItsAllAboutTheLighting]

AIBU to think that posters who say "that's a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. It would be instantly over."when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time, are probably single or not in marriages with mortgages and children?

I’m talking about both men and women btw.

Mumsnet is the one place where you get told to LTB. The rest of the world insists you must work on it, communicate, make an effort, go to counselling, improve yourself - all for some abusive loser

This

The advice I got here (by proxy) has given me the confidence not to put up with any old shite. To understand when it isn’t a me problem or a communication problem. It’s a I’m living with a dickhead problem. I didn’t need to LTB but hearing women here telling me not to put up with that shit instead of saying work at it. That was lifchanging.

Should have said husband or wife 2,3,4.

Personally I think 'LTB' etc is an absolutely fucking horrible thing to say a woman who doesn't need it rubbing in her face just how powerless she is to do so, and doesn't need to be reminded how broke she is, how isolated she is, and how scared she is; and how smug other people can be.

At least posters could offer something like, 'Would you want to separate if you could? Can posters here help you work out how that could happen? Many of us have been through it and know how bloody hard it is.'

Also yes it does matter if there are children involved, but let's get real here. Please don't anyone kid themselves that a family court held in private will prevent the abusive absent father having the children on his own, on his own time, and if he chooses with his new girlfriend and her family members there. This is what paralyses many women into not separating, when they viscerally perceive the risks.

But they aren't. A woman hiding money and a man hiding money are likely, statistically, to be doing it for very different reasons, aren't they? What proportion of the violence, financial abuse and intimidation between married partners do you think is perpetrated by women?

As I said the situations were very similar.
There were no issues of abuse, lying, drugs etc, both worked and shared their finances and had joint accounts.

There are certainly a lot of divorces!

@WonderfulYou

But they aren't. A woman hiding money and a man hiding money are likely, statistically, to be doing it for very different reasons, aren't they? What proportion of the violence, financial abuse and intimidation between married partners do you think is perpetrated by women?

As I said the situations were very similar.
There were no issues of abuse, lying, drugs etc, both worked and shared their finances and had joint accounts.

Tell you what, when we sort out male violence, discrimination in pregnancy, FGM, rape being prosecuted so poorly, DV, the housework gap, female poverty in old age, CSA being enforced properly AND all the added racism and sexism Black women suffer and the sexism and homophobia lesbian women suffer...

I'll join you on the barricades for men to hide money like women do.

There is surely middle ground though between putting up with absolute shit treatment and ltb.

While some situations will be deal-breakers depending on your own view, there are some situations where a relationship could be worked on. It’s not black and white.

Also, We only get one side of the story here. You only have to look at the women who post about what their ex’s are saying about them and what the truth really is to know that there are often two sides to a story, his, her’s and the truth.

And for the people who say that it later transpires this one thing is just a small part of a long line of behaviours, there is very much a culture on here of leading someone to a conclusion. So woman posts that he is complaining about what she’s spending, and before long posters are telling her she’s being financially abused, even sighting examples of how he controls her even if he doesn’t. If she says “no, he doesn’t,” then there will be a raft of posters telling her that she can’t see it now but it very clearly is the case, so by the time the OP is a few pages in she has gone from being frustrated to believing she’s in an abusive relationship, when actually, he’s the bread winner and she’s at home with the kids, and they just can’t afford to spend at the level she is on just his salary.And the other thing is the way women are judged for not leaving.

So woman in a bad relationship posts for advice, is instantly told to LTB, and when she doesn’t say within a couple of posts that she’s packing his bags this moment and he’ll be gone by bedtime there is soon a chorus of “I’m not sure why we bother, the OP obviously isn’t going to do as we say.” It’s arrogant in the extreme and takes no account of how difficult it is to just up and leave a relationship.

Just been reading online about a woman who is claustrophobic.

Prior to her wedding she told her fiance on no account to put wedding cake on her face. He planted her face into the wedding cake and held it there! She filed for divorce the next day apparently. So I guess that was a deal breaker for her!

@headunderthewater

I’m much more worried about the women with low bars tbh. I mean they are so LOW!! I didn’t think any woman these days would deal any of the shit I read here.

The shit so many of you put up with!
Why?
Are they/you so scared of being alone?
Again, why?

You really can't think why women would "put up with this"? Nice bit of victim-blaming there btw...

Tell you what, when we sort out male violence, discrimination in pregnancy, FGM, rape being prosecuted so poorly, DV, the housework gap, female poverty in old age, CSA being enforced properly AND all the added racism and sexism Black women suffer and the sexism and homophobia lesbian women suffer...

I'll join you on the barricades for men to hide money like women do.

So you’re going to base your reply on the sex of poster and their DP and not their actions because somewhere in the world some men aren’t paying CSA or are violent or some women carry out FGM or are racist or homophobic - that’s absolutely ridiculous!

What about gay couples when the sex is the same? How would you know how to respond if you can’t blame the man?

It’s ironic you bring up racism when you are judging someone based in their sex and not their actions/situation.
Maybe try judging people on their own actions and not the actions of complete strangers just because they share something in common.

I would also wonder how many people are treated badly in elation ships because the perpetrator knows there is all of that investment and enmeshing finances etc. that’s also abusive and having commitments together should never prevent a person from being supported to remove themselves form an unhealthy relationship.
Especially if there are children involved

So you’re going to base your reply on the sex of poster and their DP and not their actions because somewhere in the world some men aren’t paying CSA or are violent or some women carry out FGM or are racist or homophobic - that’s absolutely ridiculous!

Those were examples of the ways in which the world is different if you're male or female. So advice needs to be. I'm not judging the individual man, I'm judging the world.

For example, I worry about my safety running outside. My DH doesn't. The world is different for us.

They're owning their opinion. So many people will say "you should leave". But saying "for me, that's it" is a way of accepting not everyone will or has to agree. First is a black and white thinker, second more flexible

I'm tempted to post LTB out of sarcasm .

Tell you what, when we sort out male violence, discrimination in pregnancy, FGM, rape being prosecuted so poorly, DV, the housework gap, female poverty in old age, CSA being enforced properly AND all the added racism and sexism Black women suffer and the sexism and homophobia lesbian women suffer...I'll join you on the barricades for men to hide money like women do.

This has me very confused. So if hiding money is wrong, surely it is wrong no matter what sex the person is? What you’ve written seems to be saying that because some other men commit crimes against women, all women should therefore have a free pass to hide money?

How is that logical? If my neighbour murders his wife, does that mean I can get a free pass to hit my husband over the head with a frying pan?

It's one of the many phrases I loathe on MN. I always imagine the poster feeling smug and superior when they type it. They might as well add, "... as my standards are higher than yours. "

Yes.
Relationship section on mumsnet is sometimes excellent but more often unrealistically leaning towards L T B

For example, I worry about my safety running outside. My DH doesn't. The world is different for us.

Statistically, your DH is more likely to be murdered by a random stranger while running outside than you are. In fact, you are statistically safer running outside than at home with your DH. And trust me, men do worry about their safety when outside. They’re just socialised to not show weakness.

@KittensWearingWoollyMittens

Don’t be that person.

For me it worked the other way. It was BECAUSE I had a small ds that I left. If it had only been me, I might have stayed longer but I wasn't prepared to let ds grow up thinking regular drunkenness was ok.

I don't know how to vote on this one. You may have a point, but I think it's more likely the people who say they'd leave are financially secure. It's easier to walk away when you know you've got money to rent somewhere else and a secure job so you can look after yourself (and your children, if you have them). Whilst leaving a marriage will have different challenges for everyone, if you don't have some money (or family who can help you) you're stuck, no matter how bad or dangerous the relationship. It's all very well saying there are women's shelters out there, but there aren't enough, and they won't keep you safe from a stalking psycho ex.

It’s just something people say on the internet and I don’t think it reflects what they actually do or would advise friends and family to do IRL.

Easier said than done to uproot your whole life.

@DolphinFC

It's one of the many phrases I loathe on MN. I always imagine the poster feeling smug and superior when they type it. They might as well add, "... as my standards are higher than yours. "

Agree. As well as that are the comments that say “why did you have a child with this twat?” And “it’s your fault you didn’t see the red flags” “I’d never have put myself in that situation”

Smug and superior is exactly how they sound.

First marriage, 2 ongoing mortgages and 2 children here.
My dad was the kind of dick-head who my mum should have run away from with only the pyjamas she was wearing in the middle of the night, with or without her children.
She turned into an enabler to avoid certain death instead be she's still with him 40 years later. None of her children speak to her.
My deal breakers are not flimsy but they are non negotiable. And there are threads on here in which I have seen them. But this is the internet, there's always some flimsy casual ltb thrown in. But young women should not be taught to put up with crap behaviour and learned incompetence because "no one is perfect" ugh.