Those who say "that's a deal breaker for me, I'd leave."

[ItsAllAboutTheLighting]

AIBU to think that posters who say "that's a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. It would be instantly over."when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time, are probably single or not in marriages with mortgages and children?

Think about it this way, do we want a culture of 'ugly, shitty, nasty, dismissive, stupid, sexist behaviour isn't something you have to put up with' or 'put up with crap because having a relationship, even a crap one, is the only way to be happy'?

I'm glad MN has a culture of LTB. I wish I'd been on here during my first marriage because I should have LTB years earlier. If I said a couple of things current DH has done, I'd probably be told to LTB but I wouldn't because those aren't my dealbreakers.

The rest of the world tells women to put up and shut up. MN doesn't. Viva la revolucion.

It is your fault if you choose to be with a shit one though isnt it? If you raise your standards, you leave the shit ones at date 3.

Unfortunately, as evidenced by very very very many threads, the shit men tend to be lovely on date 3. So often women don't find out until they are pregnant, often with a child already, and financially dependent on said man. Whilst leaving might be the right answer, it's not so easy to do in practical terms. And not everyone has a mother living round the corner they can just move in with (often the option suggested).

Agree that there are alot of people with low standards and take too much crap. There are also people who isolate their partner and destroy all of their world outside that relationship. Its not always clear cut.

Well if you are referring to the threads going now about the guy who is putting himself and others in danger when he is drunk and is doing that on a regular ish basis. Or the one who made a rape joke…..

I agree with @MrsTerryPratchett, what those LTB do is to raise standards. To show women that they don’t have to accept what they think is unacceptable.

Tbh, for me, a man who is behaving like the drunk one would be a No-No for me so we would never have got the the (serious) Relationhsip stage.

The rape joke? I would probably have accepted, laughed with them w few years ago. Not now. Because for me this is such a disrespectful attitude that I could not accept it. Would I leave for that? Well he would need to have some other pretty good redeeming qualities that shows it was REALLY a one off and a mistake on his part.

But I only arrived there because I had the example of other women not taking shit. For other people to open my eyes to the deep inequalities between men and women and how women are told to shut up and accept what men would NEVER in a million years accept themselves.
And that’s a good thing.

Is that always practical? Probably not. But in my eyes, that’s not the point. The point is to highlight you don’t have to put up with crap if you don’t want to.

@EmpressCixi

Women have very low standards for men. If we had higher standards and expectations for them we wouldn't be in this mess.

So it’s our fault as women that some men are shit. Raising our standards will magically result in shit men turning into Prince Charmings.

Nope. It won’t transfer me them as such. But it will mean women won’t have to put up with them and they’ll have to look after themselves in their own.

One can hope that, in time, this will also force men to behave better.

One can hope that, in time, this will also force men to behave better.

If the arseholes weren't getting shagged, I reckon they'd learn pretty bloody quick.

Ive said on here this week twice

Once when it turns out a woman's husband is so utterly obsessed with saving money and retiring early as he has repressed issues stemming from his family that he hoards nearly every penny of their £1200 a month disposable in investments and savings to the point where they can't even afford an occasional takeaway/school trips or unexpected bills and the man is making his wife and 2 kids lives a misery as he is so unbelievably tight with money.

And then again when a woman discovered her DH stored a photo of her bikini clad 17 year old niece in a album of wank bank material on an old phone he uses for an alarm clock which is absolutely vile.

I'd imagine many of them are the type of people to slow down when there's a car crash so they can get a good look.

However, I would say LTB in situations of cheating or abuse having been through this. But I wouldn't phrase it like that and I would post practical suggestions/advice.

I do feel like the bar for relationships can often be ridiculously low.

I've never seen anyone recommend a spa day. That's a bigfoot type myth.

Happens less than it used to but it does still happen. Definitely not a myth.

My attention seems to go to the minimising comments from other women and I just can’t believe they are real.

This. I know what OP means - but I think that the ‘I couldn’t get worked up over this’ brigade are far more damaging.

@TracyMosby
It is your fault if you choose to be with a shit one though isnt it? If you raise your standards, you leave the shit ones at date 3.

No it’s not the woman’s fault at all because in real life, the shit men are very good at masking their shitiness. It’s naive to think you can know by date 3. It is very often the case that the mask doesn’t slip until after marriage and/or kids come along.

I think it's easy to think it's a no brainer to leave someone when you don't actually know someone and the only thing you do know makes you dislike someone. Much more complicated when you obviously like them enough to be in a relationship with them.

When it got to point of posting on NM it's not normally a one off, when you start find out more information what's actually behind it.

I don't agree that those who post "ltb" necessarily wouldn't "ltb" if their own DP committed the offence. The thread about the date rape joke, for example - I know some people would laugh it off, some people have cutthroat humour as a feature of their relationship and nothing is off limits. In some ways you have to have a very deep trust in your DP's underlying character to be comfortable with that sort of humour.

There are undoubtedly plenty of women IRL who wouldn't put up with that , however. If you are the sort of person who could and would never find such a joke amusing, for a plethora of possible reasons, or if your DP has form for being disrespectful or sexist in small ways that add up... it's not a reach to see how many would find that joke a deal-breaker.

I do agree about "why did you have another baby with this man" etc. It's just putting the boot in for no good reason, and it must make vulnerable posters feel really shit.

Making a poor joke? @ItsAllAboutTheLighting I hope you’re not posting about the thread where the op husband made a joke about drugging and raping her….

I do think there are black and white cases eg if someone is being physically abusive or has photos of their niece, but then there are grey areas:

• there was one the other day where a women only worked 3 hours a day and their child was school aged, she did most of the housework and her partner wanted to increase her hours as they were struggling financially but she didn’t want to, so posters were telling her to leave but not thinking that if she left she would be doing all of the housework as well as having to work more hours.

I personally would be happier working FT, being a single parent and doing all of the housework and cooking etc than be in an unhappy relationship (which is why I’m single) but in the above case she didn’t want that.

I also think there’s double standards on here so posters take replies less seriously.

There was a man who had extra money, I think he got paid for a job which the OP hasn’t realised about. It was less than £1000 and the replies were telling her to LTB, saying he’s spending money on drugs or prostitutes etc but then a lady had a £10,000 inheritance and loads of posters were telling her not to tell her DH and put it in a secret account.
Their living situations were really similar but posters changed their reply because of the sex of the person.

@WonderfulYou

I also think there’s double standards on here so posters take replies less seriously.

There was a man who had extra money, I think he got paid for a job which the OP hasn’t realised about. It was less than £1000 and the replies were telling her to LTB, saying he’s spending money on drugs or prostitutes etc but then a lady had a £10,000 inheritance and loads of posters were telling her not to tell her DH and put it in a secret account.
Their living situations were really similar but posters changed their reply because of the sex of the person.

That would be because, by and large, women's lives, priorities, behavioural patterns and spending habits are not the same as men's. The two situations are very different.

That would be because, by and large, women's lives, priorities, behavioural patterns and spending habits are not the same as men's. The two situations are very different.

A perfect example - as I said both situations were very similar.

Their living situations were really similar but posters changed their reply because of the sex of the person.

Their living situations are similar, but the world they live in varies according to their sex.

@EmpressCixi

There’s a first time for everything, so it is literally impossible for an event to never be a one off/first time.

That’s not what the poster meant. I think they meant people here don’t post after the first event.

www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/pensioners-age-uk-asian-mps-government-b956177.html

But they aren't. A woman hiding money and a man hiding money are likely, statistically, to be doing it for very different reasons, aren't they? What proportion of the violence, financial abuse and intimidation between married partners do you think is perpetrated by women?

I despair of the lack of critical thinking sometimes. Women particularly ought to know better. A lot of the whining about "double standards" on MN comes down to an inability to see that women start from a completely different position from men.

[quote phishy]@EmpressCixi

There’s a first time for everything, so it is literally impossible for an event to never be a one off/first time.

That’s not what the poster meant. I think they meant people here don’t post after the first event.[/quote]
Well that’s a big assumption to make. I would think many would also post if it’s a first time situation because it’s not unusual ask for advice when it’s something new to you.

Some people find it very easy to leave and hook up with husband 2,3,4. Multiple children, multiple families and exes.