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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Those who say "that's a deal breaker for me, I'd leave."

135 replies

ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 15/01/2022 13:48

AIBU to think that posters who say "that's a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. It would be instantly over."when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time, are probably single or not in marriages with mortgages and children?

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/01/2022 17:21

And I suspect this is a deliberately provocative thread, posted by one of those brand of posters who often join treads posted by women who have been victims of domestic or sexual abuse, or are subject to coercion. We've all seen those posters in action: the ones who try to minimize the behaviour, or fail to recognize that one incident might not amount to much but a particular pattern of behaviour is very concerning and might help the poster to recognize the reality of her situation. The same posters will tell us that the man probably 'just has depression', or make any number of excuses for the inexcusable. Failing that, there'll be the line that females should show proper respect to the superior sex (of course they never word it that way) and put their own feelings, ambitions, desires, careers - or whatever else they've put to one side to facilitate exactly the same motivations on the part of men. Because, you know, they're men.

When people are in real trouble in this way, MN is a valuable lifeline of information and support. I've witnessed these situations play out - assuming the stories were genuine - as in that unenviable position it's not always possible to recognise yourself as a victim. That recognition is the first step to extracting yourself from that position.

The question is: why would anyone want to put a spoke in that particular wheel and keep women in their 'place' as subordinate at best, or victims at worst? Who stands to gain by keeping that status quo precisely as it is?

KittyTail · 15/01/2022 17:30

I think some people just like to portray their own lives and marriages as perfect.

It’s also very easy to write ‘LTB’ from behind a screen to compete strangers.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 15/01/2022 17:35

So it’s our fault as women that some men are shit. Raising our standards will magically result in shit men turning into Prince Charmings.

No. It's men's fault men are shit. Raising our standards simply means they can go and be someone else's Prince Charming - someone who IS willing to put up their shit - because they'll no longer be our particular problem.

Of course, if other women were similarly disinclined to put up with their shit, Prince Charming might end up being clearly seen as the frog he actually is. He might even end up in a state of blissful singledom. And what a terrible shame that would be.

crazyjinglist · 15/01/2022 17:36

I think this very rarely happens with a first offence unless it's something genuinely heinous.

I've either said or thought LTB on umpteen threads and meant it. But always because the partner in question sounds like a regular arsehole, not a one-off arsehole. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever that women are generally too tolerant of men's behaviour, not too intolerant.

As to whether the LTB sayers are single, happily or unhappily married or whatever... I imagine it's a mixture. Whatever their own relationship status, that doesn't mean they are wrong about the man in question.

steppemum · 15/01/2022 17:36

I could not disagree more OP.

Obviously on every thread there are some people who are extreme.

But so often you see someone post about their DP/DH and they are sayign he is usually lovely but he ....

Whatever the BUT is, after a few more posts it nearly always becomes clear that he is NOT lovely at all. he is doing some pretty shitty stuff in their relationship and she is just accepting it.

When people then post, sorry, but that would be a deal breaker for me, they are basically saying - wake up, see how bad he is, have more respect for yourself. You don't have to put up with this shit.

And while LTB is flung around a lot, seeing someone say in balck and white that you shoudl leave because your relationship is THAT BAD is extremely sobering.

I have a good 23 year marriage.
The longer I am married, the more grateful I am for my dh, and the less crap I would be willing to take from anyone. The more you realise how many of the people round you are putting up with men instead of having a good partnership with them. Get out, live life, sod the mortgage etc.

Hertsgirl10 · 15/01/2022 17:40

They’re the same women that say kick him out when you moan in real life that DP left a towel on the floor or something trivial like that, say oh no I wouldn’t have that but their husband frisky Fred is having his 6th affair but has learnt his lesson THIS time.

crazyjinglist · 15/01/2022 17:41

I think some people just like to portray their own lives and marriages as perfect.

I don't think that's true. The LTBers don't usually follow their LTB advice with a glowing description of their own husband/partner, as that's not really relevant. "Your husband is cruel/abusive/lazy" does not translate to "My husband is perfect". Sometimes the LTBers are women who have left their own abusive/awful partner.

Applesonthelawn · 15/01/2022 17:49

My impression is that they are enjoying being the person they want to be, as many people do on a forum where they can anonymously create a whole new persona and feel superior to others. They are just portraying themselves as a decisive, no-shit-taking, independent person with exceptionally well defined boundaries. I've never actually met anyone like that in real life, everyone gives a bit and forgives a bit here and there and allows some imperfections in their partners.

KittensWearingWoollyMittens · 15/01/2022 17:53

@headunderthewater, don't be what person? Confused

PoshPyjamas · 15/01/2022 17:53

despite it being a one off/first time

If it were a one off or the first time they wouldn't be posting

FredWinnie · 15/01/2022 17:55

Tell you what, when we sort out male violence, discrimination in pregnancy, FGM, rape being prosecuted so poorly, DV, the housework gap, female poverty in old age, CSA being enforced properly AND all the added racism and sexism Black women suffer and the sexism and homophobia lesbian women suffer...

I'll join you on the barricades for men to hide money like women do.

So well said @MrsTerryPratchett

As a previous lurker, this place taught me so much about establishing my boundaries
I am so grateful to the measured posters who've taken the time to post advice

Other lurkers could be reading this rather vile 'but poor menz' crap with dismay

AuntieStella · 15/01/2022 17:56

I've never actually met anyone like that in real life, everyone gives a bit and forgives a bit here and there and allows some imperfections in their partners

Different people have different ideas about what's unacceptable. Finding one thing (that you dont happen to mind) unacceptable doesn't mean that someone is rigid and unyielding about everything.

And it's OK to say what you would find unbearable - and usually better than telling an OP that her concern doesn't matter

Original poster
ItsAllAboutTheLighting · 15/01/2022 17:57

@RedCandyApple

Im single and certainly wouldn’t advise anyone to leave a relationship over a silly minor comment as I know how hard being a single parent is so I think yabu to assume it’s something only single people say
You didn't read my OP properly.
OP posts:
dontsaythj · 15/01/2022 18:03

I agree. The radical, binary, and unequivocal approach that you sometimes see advocated here is not always helpful. People with no context outside of one incident recommending that others leave relationships and marriages.

Then again, it's easy to play fast and loose with other people's lives. I truly doubt that they themselves live in the uncompromising manner that they recommend for others.

DolphinFC · 15/01/2022 18:03

@PoshPyjamas

despite it being a one off/first time

If it were a one off or the first time they wouldn't be posting

This thread was inspired by a one off/first time.
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/01/2022 18:06

This thread was inspired by a one off/first time.

And extrapolating to all the LTBs. Some are probably not warranted. Most are.

DolphinFC · 15/01/2022 18:09

@MrsTerryPratchett

This thread was inspired by a one off/first time.

And extrapolating to all the LTBs. Some are probably not warranted. Most are.

What are you basing that on?
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/01/2022 18:11

AIBU to think that posters who say "that's a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. It would be instantly over."when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time, are probably single or not in marriages with mortgages and children?

It's about posters who say "that's a dealbreaker for me..." so clearly not just about one thread.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/01/2022 18:12

Sorry just realised what you meant @DolphinFC

I get it now.

Hibye23289 · 15/01/2022 18:13

Thank god someone has said it!I was thinking this. I always find a husband can make a one off comment and you get told to leave if only it was that easy your whole world changing having to rebuild everything especially when there are kids involved! It's not just easy to leave

DolphinFC · 15/01/2022 18:16

No problem

Ionlydomassiveones · 15/01/2022 18:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

LittleGwyneth · 15/01/2022 18:32

On MN there are only ever two options - you are being unreasonable, or you need to leave your partner. Your partner is never allowed to have done something moderately bad, but forgivable.

It's weird because in real life most of the married / LTR people I know have navigated a lot of really complicated storms.

AmyandPhilipfan · 15/01/2022 18:54

I posted a thread about 10 years ago because my husband had told me to fuck off and I was furious with him and wanted to vent. The majority of posters told me to leave him. I’m glad I didn’t. He was being a dick but it was a one off, he is a nice guy who obviously none of the posters knew in real life. There are things that are not negotiable for me - if he cheated or hit me I absolutely would ltb but I’m glad I didn’t follow the advice to leave him over one stupid comment.

BigYellowHat · 15/01/2022 18:57

Definitely. People have been told to LTB over really silly things without knowing the full background. Hmm