Those who say "that's a deal breaker for me, I'd leave."

[ItsAllAboutTheLighting]

AIBU to think that posters who say "that's a deal breaker for me. I'd leave. It would be instantly over."when someone posts about their husband making a poor joke, or being a dick when drunk, despite it being a one off/first time, are probably single or not in marriages with mortgages and children?

@AmyandPhilipfan

I posted a thread about 10 years ago because my husband had told me to fuck off and I was furious with him and wanted to vent. The majority of posters told me to leave him. I’m glad I didn’t. He was being a dick but it was a one off, he is a nice guy who obviously none of the posters knew in real life. There are things that are not negotiable for me - if he cheated or hit me I absolutely would ltb but I’m glad I didn’t follow the advice to leave him over one stupid comment.

So the system works. You assessed the advice and stayed, great. Another woman should leave and does, also great.

Advice isn't an order.

My thought is always 'yeah, of course you would '

Agree...they not been in the op situation..things are black and white ..most is grey....it's vvv hard

Either that or very reactive.

If it was a number of things or a repeat offence then I'd agree with them but a one off shitty thing unless huge?

We are all human.

My default position is always reading a post and looking at it from a 'how can this relationship be saved' point of view.

Except about the one with the picture of the niece. I did and do feel so so sorry for the OP of that thread. I've been there (nowhere near the same degree though) where you think absolutely everything is fine and suddenly you discover something that totally flips everything on it's head.

I said to her, this is my first LTB and was quite strong in my second post on that thread but because I felt she's really vulnerable in that moment to be manipulated by him. Maybe I'm wrong for that?

I was in a relationship with a guy I'd fallen really hard for. I found naked pics of his ex on his phone. Saw the time stamp - it was a day he'd told me he was doing something else. And my whole world just went spinning. He totally gaslighted me on it when I confronted him and I bought in to it.

Luckily, didn't live together so naturally had time to reflect on my own when I went back to mine.

I needed that time though away from him to get my senses together though because I was so happy with him I desperately wanted to believe it, I wanted to hear the lies so that the truth could go away.

As soon as I stepped away I knew though and ended it. Learned lesson in my early 20s no big deal - lucky for me.

If I had been married to him though and no place to go back to, no time to think it through on my own, I might have needed someone to shake me and say 'COME ON', it's disgusting, he's clearly cheating on you. So I would know I wasn't going crazy and could muster the strength to pack a bag.

@AmyandPhilipfan

if he cheated or hit me I absolutely would ltb

This seems a very low bar. There are a thousand other reasons why women leave men, including emotional abuse, financial abuse, coercive control, etc.

@crazyjinglist

I think some people just like to portray their own lives and marriages as perfect.

I don't think that's true. The LTBers don't usually follow their LTB advice with a glowing description of their own husband/partner, as that's not really relevant. "Your husband is cruel/abusive/lazy" does not translate to "My husband is perfect". Sometimes the LTBers are women who have left their own abusive/awful partner.

No, although i think people sometimes assume it does mean that.

I think there are actually some things which really are dealbreakers. I was stupid enough not to chuck him out when it happened to me and struggled on for several more years. When it happened again that was it - he was out. I was so much happier afterwards!

I think the way things are set up in society these days make it that people (not always just women) end up paired up long past a sell by date , often for financial reasons. Private renting is geared up towards income level percentages , almost impossible if you need to claim at all and far too little decent social housing available, so people rush into moving someone in or stay put in unsatisfactory situations.