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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH "I need to be alone for a bit"?

127 replies

FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:35

Firstly we have a large-ish house with two storeys and a big garden. We're in Australia though so it's not like a traditional UK house in that all the living area is upstairs...kitchen, bedrooms, sitting room etc...balcony...downstairs is a room that's been converted into a bar and a big garage-like space plus a laundry and another bathroom.

Basically, I work in the bar during the day as I'm self employed...in the evening I spend time with the family upstairs, eat dinner, go with DH to walk the dogs etc.

But now and then I just want to be alone for a bit. I am quite introverted and I've spent all day with people...both my family and some friends.

So I just said to DH (it's evening here) I'd like to be alone for a bit....because he kept coming into the bar and just faffing about.

He wasn't DOING anything...just sitting down for a bit then getting up and messing with the dog's bed or with his books stored here

I'd only been down here for ten minutes and he followed me. When I asked to be alone, he went into an immediate strop.

He said he has as much right as I do to the space...and of course he does...but if someone wants to be alone and everyone else is upstairs, why would you get annoyed because you'd asked them to leave? He didn't need to be down here at all...I've spent time with him tonight.

I do spend quality time with him. AIBU to be blunt and tell him "I need to be alone for a while"??

OP posts:
GOODCAT · 15/01/2022 12:41

It is quite blunt to effectively ask someone to go away and in your husband's position I would be offended. Can you go out for a bit or else have given him some warning you need a bit more alone time and you propose to get it by spending more time on your work area or however you want to do it.

I am introverted so understand but my husband would have reacted as yours did if I told him I wanted to be in my own with no prior warning.

MMMarmite · 15/01/2022 12:45

Following this thread as I had the same problem and am not sure which of us was being unreasonable!

Sparkai · 15/01/2022 12:47

@GOODCAT

It is quite blunt to effectively ask someone to go away and in your husband's position I would be offended. Can you go out for a bit or else have given him some warning you need a bit more alone time and you propose to get it by spending more time on your work area or however you want to do it.

I am introverted so understand but my husband would have reacted as yours did if I told him I wanted to be in my own with no prior warning.

Why? Why should your husband's wishes come above your own?
MintMe · 15/01/2022 12:48

Not unreasonable at all. I've just bought a new chair for our bedroom and explained to DH that every few weeks, I'm just going to sit upstairs and read for a few hours in the bedroom rather than be downstairs with him. I could read downstairs, but there's something more restful about being totally alone.

SmithofSilver · 15/01/2022 12:48

If I want to be alone I take myself off to my bedroom. I don't think it is reasonable to expect to be left alone in common areas of the house tbh.

Kittykat93 · 15/01/2022 12:49

Go for a bath

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:50

@GOODCAT

It is quite blunt to effectively ask someone to go away and in your husband's position I would be offended. Can you go out for a bit or else have given him some warning you need a bit more alone time and you propose to get it by spending more time on your work area or however you want to do it.

I am introverted so understand but my husband would have reacted as yours did if I told him I wanted to be in my own with no prior warning.

It's gone 11 at night....I'm not going out! I can't warn him I need to be alone before I know I do...
OP posts:
CherryFlavourOwl · 15/01/2022 12:50

I'm married to an absolutely wonderful man who's botbin the slightest bit irritating but sometimes his very presence irritates me

Remember - some people gain energy from being around other people and some people gain energy from being alone

I'm blunt with my husband and he doesn't get offended. It's not personal. I signed a marriage contract, I didn't sign anything saying I needed to spend all my time with another person

So I say 'right, I need some time in my own!' and off I go. Bath, read for a few hours, whatever. I shut the door and that's that. And yep, I do this most days - especially if he's working from home

I honestly would get so frustrated to be with a man who sulks because his wife wants some time to be on her own.

And yes we spend time together. Eat together, we are watching a series at the moment together, but honestly, just tell him and don't get drawn into an argument

Having said that though, I wouldn't try and be alone in a communal type space and expect no one to come in .. I'd take myself off

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:52

@SmithofSilver

If I want to be alone I take myself off to my bedroom. I don't think it is reasonable to expect to be left alone in common areas of the house tbh.
It's late though...he'd only decide to go to bloody bed if I went in there. And bedroom is for sleeping not hanging around in. I never just hang there. I don't sit on the bed generally and only get in it when it's bedtime. There's not much in there aside from a stool by my dressing table!
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:53

@Kittykat93

Go for a bath
I don't see why I should have to have a bath just to be alone though...I don't want one! There are plenty of rooms in the house and he wasn't doing anything special in this one that he couldn't do in another.
OP posts:
makinganavalon · 15/01/2022 12:54

Don't think you are being unreasonable. Maybe he's not clear that you've reached your limit.
Everyone has limits, I know I reached one last night and it's horrible when the other person doesn't respect your limit and keeps hanging round!
I think he was being unreasonable here, although maybe if you said it very bluntly communicating it better from your end my might help the situation?
Flowers

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 12:54

I think it's strange to follow someone whos taken themselves off. It's clear they want alone time.
YANBU.

Unless you'd gone to bed and normally go together - then I could understand him coming in to you.

SarahJessicaParkin · 15/01/2022 12:54

@SmithofSilver

If I want to be alone I take myself off to my bedroom. I don't think it is reasonable to expect to be left alone in common areas of the house tbh.
Yes, this is what I think too. So I think YABU
Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:55

@SmithofSilver

If I want to be alone I take myself off to my bedroom. I don't think it is reasonable to expect to be left alone in common areas of the house tbh.
Really? Why not though? I mean....just because a family lives together, doesn't mean people shouldn't sometimes be able to use one room alone sometimes...other than their bedroom. I mean, given I share my bedroom with DH, why would I not sometimes want to sit in another room alone? Our bedroom isn't set up for chilling out in because we both find that if we do that, we can't sleep.
OP posts:
TallyHoMyLittlePeachMuffin · 15/01/2022 12:55

Just tell him. We all need to clear our head at times

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:56

@girlmom21

I think it's strange to follow someone whos taken themselves off. It's clear they want alone time. YANBU.

Unless you'd gone to bed and normally go together - then I could understand him coming in to you.

Well to be fair to him, it's probably not clear until I say it because sometimes we do all come in the bar and chat....him and the kids do. But that's why I said it clearly...so he'd know.
OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 15/01/2022 12:56

Odd. My dh is in the kitchen watching tv, I’m in the living room and I don’t feel the need to be with him 24/7. I don’t need to explicitly tell him, tho.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:57

@TallyHoMyLittlePeachMuffin

Just tell him. We all need to clear our head at times
Well I did! That's why I'm posting now.
OP posts:
Adhdpita · 15/01/2022 12:57

He needs to respect your space. DH is the one who likes time to himself and I can't say it doesn't come as a shock as I felt rejected at first. Now we have one night a week at least that he has to himself so he always knows he has that time plus of course any time he wants additional.

DH is around people much more than me even though he's less of a people person. It wasn't an ideal situation for us as he was over people and I was missing people.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:57

@Cherrysoup

Odd. My dh is in the kitchen watching tv, I’m in the living room and I don’t feel the need to be with him 24/7. I don’t need to explicitly tell him, tho.
DH faffs. He won;t sit and watch TV but will wander about like a lost bloody soul.
OP posts:
BrambleRoses · 15/01/2022 12:57

YANBU.

Mine follows me around driving me bananas. The baby goes for a nap and I go to lie down and read my kindle and he follows me. I try to watch something on TV and he follows me.

It is really irritating and I can’t think of a way to tell him to leave me the hell alone for a bit without being that blunt.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:59

@BrambleRoses

YANBU.

Mine follows me around driving me bananas. The baby goes for a nap and I go to lie down and read my kindle and he follows me. I try to watch something on TV and he follows me.

It is really irritating and I can’t think of a way to tell him to leave me the hell alone for a bit without being that blunt.

Well I can't advise as I'm obviously far too blunt! Grin
OP posts:
piney07 · 15/01/2022 13:00

This (I have belatedly realised in my life) is why baths were invented. Sometimes I have a 3 hour bath 😂 my DP also gets hurt if I want alone time because by the time I get around to telling him it’s usually after him irritating me and I snap. I try to announce my need for alone time before he’s irritated me now, and go to bedroom with a book and close the door. Sometimes he delivers me tea/wine to my lair and it’s lovely.

grapewine · 15/01/2022 13:01

This is why I won't live with anyone. Being followed around would drive me mad. YANBU.

timeisnotaline · 15/01/2022 13:01

My dh understands very well I need some time on my own!! He wouldn’t strop, it’s a basic psychological need.

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