To tell DH "I need to be alone for a bit"?

[FortunesFave]

Firstly we have a large-ish house with two storeys and a big garden. We're in Australia though so it's not like a traditional UK house in that all the living area is upstairs...kitchen, bedrooms, sitting room etc...balcony...downstairs is a room that's been converted into a bar and a big garage-like space plus a laundry and another bathroom.

Basically, I work in the bar during the day as I'm self employed...in the evening I spend time with the family upstairs, eat dinner, go with DH to walk the dogs etc.

But now and then I just want to be alone for a bit. I am quite introverted and I've spent all day with people...both my family and some friends.

So I just said to DH (it's evening here) I'd like to be alone for a bit....because he kept coming into the bar and just faffing about.

He wasn't DOING anything...just sitting down for a bit then getting up and messing with the dog's bed or with his books stored here

I'd only been down here for ten minutes and he followed me. When I asked to be alone, he went into an immediate strop.

He said he has as much right as I do to the space...and of course he does...but if someone wants to be alone and everyone else is upstairs, why would you get annoyed because you'd asked them to leave? He didn't need to be down here at all...I've spent time with him tonight.

I do spend quality time with him. AIBU to be blunt and tell him "I need to be alone for a while"??

I wouldn't ask someone to leave a room so I could be alone. I think that's pretty rude. I would just go somewhere else and be alone.

And I would be pretty pissed off if I walked into a room in my own house and my dp told me to go away because he wanted to be alone.

YANBU.

It's the following that's the worst. If I am in a room reading/crossword etc and DP comes in but I am not in mood for chatting or just want to read/think, I would not ask DP to leave or insist on hogging room, but I will calmly leave and relocate to another room. If DP then follows, I may well flip out.
It isn't emotional limitation of DP, but a kind of selfishness, not wanting to put oneself in another person's shoes and consider their needs.

Also tends to happen if DP has thoroughly overindulged their own needs watching hours and hours of internet shit or streaming crap, then following me around for real-life human interaction. Again selfishness and not respecting the other person or considering their needs.

*So I just said to DH (it's evening here) I'd like to be alone for a bit....because he kept coming into the bar and just faffing about.

The thing some people are missing is that OP was already alone in the room. The DH invaded her privacy. There's nothing wrong with saying "I'm having a bit of me time in here, I'd appreciate it if you went elsewhere" if someone walks in on you. That's massively different than walking (or already being) in a room and announcing "Right, everyone out! I want to be alone in here!".

Just wait till you retire!

@FortunesFave

I think I've got used to sneaking off for alone time....I'm going to try announcing it. "Right I'm off downstairs to be alone...if you need anything don't ask me." sort of thing.

or do what men do... "Right, I'm off for a shit" and lock yourself in the bathroom for a couple of hours with a bottle of and a good book.

I have the same issue, OP, especially since WFH began in March 2020! I need my own space sometimes and DH doesn’t seem to-perhaps it’s because I’m an only child and he’s from a large family, I grew up having my own space, he didn’t. Sometimes I just want to be in a room on my own, but either he or a teenager always wanders in. Even in our bedroom!

My current trick is doing laundry in the basement, taking a good while to sort and fold it. The basement is purely for storage and laundry so no one hangs around down there. I listen to an audiobook and fold, iron, etc…very, very slowly.🤣

@AcrossthePond55 strongly agree.

And it isn’t even as if he just wanted to sit quietly and read. I could just about tolerate that, it’s the sheer insensitivity of coming into a room and faffing about. It feels a bit attention seeking.

Luckily the need for space was something DH accepted about me very early in our relationship.

I get it. When we first moved to our house we each had a "study" which contained our I dovidual workstation and other stuff which was a place to escape.
Then kids came and took the rooms. I carved out a bit of space in a shared room for my office - I wfh long before the pandemic. Then the pandemic hit, dh turned up with all his work kit and 'took.over' my office. We fought for a bit to get a balance where we can both work - however he has won as I work less hours and work around the kids. It is driving me mad. I have some days when I have nowhere to go. Our house is much smaller than yours, kids in the lounge/diner so I either end up sat on the stairs or in the bathroom to get 5 minutes peace...

[quote BillMasheen]@AcrossthePond55 strongly agree.

And it isn’t even as if he just wanted to sit quietly and read. I could just about tolerate that, it’s the sheer insensitivity of coming into a room and faffing about. It feels a bit attention seeking.

Luckily the need for space was something DH accepted about me very early in our relationship.[/quote]
Totally agree!!

But to me it's less attention seeking than it is that they need to show you that they have the right to impose on you/your space or that what they want is more important than what you need. Total lack of consideration any way you look at it. I know my DH just loves the emotional 'feel' of us sitting together in the living room, even if we're doing different (separate) things. But he would never think that him wanting me there was more important than me needing some time alone.

It works both ways, of course. I would never impose on my DH if he told me he needed some space and as a rule I don't go out there if he's 'working' in his workshop. I certainly wouldn't go in and start faffing around! And both of us would be a bit if we were sitting quietly in a room and the other told us to leave so they could be alone.

At time it seems to me that MN has an odd belief that couples have to joyfully spend every spare moment together, never want 'a bit of privacy' other than in the loo, and are required to tell each other every single thing, even their friends' deepest and most painful secrets. To be otherwise means you are not a 'real' couple or that it is not 'true love and commitment'. Bonkers. DH and I have been together +35 years and we've never operated that way.

@GOODCAT

It is quite blunt to effectively ask someone to go away and in your husband's position I would be offended. Can you go out for a bit or else have given him some warning you need a bit more alone time and you propose to get it by spending more time on your work area or however you want to do it.

I am introverted so understand but my husband would have reacted as yours did if I told him I wanted to be in my own with no prior warning.

This is ridiculous .

The OP wanting to be alone is causing no one an issue.

The husband being unable to be alone is causing his wife distress. It's actually a really unpleasant trait.

Everyone needs time alone. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with it.

I'd be asking him why he can't entertain himself and why he wants to cause the woman he loves distress and annoyance.

My husband likes to be in the same room as me. Sometimes he wanders in when I just want to watch something he doesn’t like and I know after a few minutes he’ll start to talk to me or the dog which is distracting. Or I want to call or FaceTime a pal. So quite often I just say Dahling stop being a pest. I vant to be alone! He just laughs and pisses off. Job done. No one upset.

The bath is my alone time, but we both get plenty of alone time due to my dh working shifts. He used to go nuts when he’d come home in a different job and I’d be there, constantly, especially when we were in a tiny flat/open plan house.

I think I’d announce that I was going to read quietly on my own for an hour or something and see how that goes. Then if you get interrupted, you can say. ‘I did say I was going to read alone for an hour’. Surely that isn’t offensive and no-one can sulk at that?

He knew he married an introvert didn't he?

I'd say 'sweetie I've had such a full on day talking to people all day long so I could do with a bit of time on my own, would you mind leaving me to it for an hour?

I find it's all in how you phrase it.

Yabu

If you want to be alone you pick up and move

Kicking someone out is not acceptable, especially in their own home

His needs don't trump yours, but you're the one who wants alone time so you need to be the one to carve this out for yourself

But @WinnersDinner, she is carving that time out by going somewhere in the house where there is no one.

Are you saying that it’s ok for the other person to not just be there in the same room but to actually mop around like ‘a lost soul’ in effect doing his best to attract attention and have the OP care for him (ie talk to him, interact etc…) when she doesn’t want to?
Are his needs OK to thump the OP because that’s what he is doing when going into the room she is in and following her.

We are back to it’s her house too and she should be able to relax in there wo being disturbed or having to go out if the house.

Btw, it would be diffrent if he was just in the room doing his own things and taking no interest in what the OP is doing.
Yes they have a house big enough to spread around. I don’t so if I need ‘time alone’ it’s often with someone else in the room! I’d expect to be left in peace though.

But that’s not what he is doing. He is basically constantly sending calls for attention. Very different.

He’s not a toddler who can’t be unsupervised

It’s not your job to entertain him at his whim

Tell him kindly you need some time alone and expect him to manage like the adult he is

I don’t think you are remotely unreasonable OP.

Having time alone (and not just while you're working) is super important in any relationship. Me and DP have a couple of hours each evening where he will go on his computer and I will read - it's lovely. And then he'll come downstairs and we'll watch some tele and grab a snack. Nobody should be in each other's pockets all the time.

Be honest! I am the same and both my husband and my children know that I need my 'cave time'. I am happier and a better wife and mother if I get this.

This is the reverse for my husband and I - he loves his time alone and I prefer being around others. We don't have the luxury of space (2 bed flat) which can make it hard for me to give him space so in order to give him time to himself, I usually have a bath, go a walk or find something to do in another room. I'm not in the least bit offended that he Needs time to himself and I think I get the best of him as a result of it. He finds being round others quite draining at times and in fairness I am chatty so I completely understand this. I think your H was unreasonable in this situation and needs to recognise that you need time to yourself too.