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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH "I need to be alone for a bit"?

127 replies

FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:35

Firstly we have a large-ish house with two storeys and a big garden. We're in Australia though so it's not like a traditional UK house in that all the living area is upstairs...kitchen, bedrooms, sitting room etc...balcony...downstairs is a room that's been converted into a bar and a big garage-like space plus a laundry and another bathroom.

Basically, I work in the bar during the day as I'm self employed...in the evening I spend time with the family upstairs, eat dinner, go with DH to walk the dogs etc.

But now and then I just want to be alone for a bit. I am quite introverted and I've spent all day with people...both my family and some friends.

So I just said to DH (it's evening here) I'd like to be alone for a bit....because he kept coming into the bar and just faffing about.

He wasn't DOING anything...just sitting down for a bit then getting up and messing with the dog's bed or with his books stored here

I'd only been down here for ten minutes and he followed me. When I asked to be alone, he went into an immediate strop.

He said he has as much right as I do to the space...and of course he does...but if someone wants to be alone and everyone else is upstairs, why would you get annoyed because you'd asked them to leave? He didn't need to be down here at all...I've spent time with him tonight.

I do spend quality time with him. AIBU to be blunt and tell him "I need to be alone for a while"??

OP posts:
piney07 · 15/01/2022 13:01

It’s also why I am very happy he likes watching football. He feels guilty that he’s watching it so keeps delivering me snacks to the other room, and I am secretly 100% stoked at the alone time

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:02

@piney07

This (I have belatedly realised in my life) is why baths were invented. Sometimes I have a 3 hour bath 😂 my DP also gets hurt if I want alone time because by the time I get around to telling him it’s usually after him irritating me and I snap. I try to announce my need for alone time before he’s irritated me now, and go to bedroom with a book and close the door. Sometimes he delivers me tea/wine to my lair and it’s lovely.
I want to surf the internet and sit here though...not have to have a bath every time I want to be alone. And the bedroom is for sleeping in my mind. If I spend time there not sleeping, I find it hard to sleep.
OP posts:
Gymrats · 15/01/2022 13:03

Yabu!

I wouldn’t tolerate being told by anyone to leave my kitchen/living room/bar area! It his house too!

If you want to be alone go for a walk, take a bath or sit in your bedroom-not take up a main area in the house!

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:03

@piney07

It’s also why I am very happy he likes watching football. He feels guilty that he’s watching it so keeps delivering me snacks to the other room, and I am secretly 100% stoked at the alone time
I love it when it's Aussie football time! He'll watch that but otherwise he doesn't really watch much tv. The occasional Netflix series.
OP posts:
SarahJessicaParkin · 15/01/2022 13:03

Really? Why not though? I mean....just because a family lives together, doesn't mean people shouldn't sometimes be able to use one room alone sometimes...other than their bedroom. I mean, given I share my bedroom with DH, why would I not sometimes want to sit in another room alone? Our bedroom isn't set up for chilling out in because we both find that if we do that, we can't sleep.

I think because he said that he has as much right to alone time as you, he probably wanted to get away from the rest of the family, but you were in the bar and then sent him away because you wanted alone time. So it does seem unfair that you've bagsied the only "chill area" available in the house (because you don't like going to your room) by being there first. That was how i read it anyway 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu to want alone time, but he is too which is exactly what he said

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:05

@SarahJessicaParkin

Really? Why not though? I mean....just because a family lives together, doesn't mean people shouldn't sometimes be able to use one room alone sometimes...other than their bedroom. I mean, given I share my bedroom with DH, why would I not sometimes want to sit in another room alone? Our bedroom isn't set up for chilling out in because we both find that if we do that, we can't sleep.

I think because he said that he has as much right to alone time as you, he probably wanted to get away from the rest of the family, but you were in the bar and then sent him away because you wanted alone time. So it does seem unfair that you've bagsied the only "chill area" available in the house (because you don't like going to your room) by being there first. That was how i read it anyway 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu to want alone time, but he is too which is exactly what he said

Well technically, the adjoining garage like space is "his" as it has all his workout stuff in it plus a big sofa and a lot of his other junk. He chose that when we moved here because it was bigger and he has a fair bit of equipment. It's no less comfortable than the bar...in fact it's probably more comfortable because it has a carpet! This room has tiled floor and is chilly.
OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 13:06

Why have you asked whether you’re unreasonable poor not when you clearly know you’re not?

Mix56 · 15/01/2022 13:06

I feel for you, my H would do this, he seems to think we should be joined at th hip.
I suggest you gently try to explain, that sometimes you are all "peopled" out, & just want a bit of peace & quiet, its nothing to do with rebuffing him, its just a need for personal time, to think or read, or anything, alone, with no noise, or people needing something, or TV too loud,
it's just for a short while you recharge your batteries, , if he wants to be in the bar area, you'll go somewhere else, just don't follow me around like a dog....

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:07

@Gymrats

Yabu!

I wouldn’t tolerate being told by anyone to leave my kitchen/living room/bar area! It his house too!

If you want to be alone go for a walk, take a bath or sit in your bedroom-not take up a main area in the house!

This 'bar' isn't a part of the house people use though...there are no drinks in the bar! There's a massive house and both kids are in their rooms AND he has his own space in the garage conversion...his gym equipment is there and a big sofa. Why does he "need" to be in the exact room I'm in at the same time as me? No reason at all. This isn't the kitchen or living room as you said...it's the empty bar!
OP posts:
Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:07

@MsWalterMitty

Why have you asked whether you’re unreasonable poor not when you clearly know you’re not?
Why do you not understand that AIBU is for discussion as well as yes and no answers?
OP posts:
Tana433 · 15/01/2022 13:08

This is why i have my own 'chill-out' room now my son has moved out. I have a tv, dvdplayer, cd player an tons of books in a big bookcase. A recliner chair and footstool, a kettle and a snack drawer! It is wonderful and i spend lots of my time up there as Dh and i have completely different taste in tv watching and he also games a lot too. I think it makes our marriage happier because when we are together it is because we want to be!

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:10

@Mix56

I feel for you, my H would do this, he seems to think we should be joined at th hip. I suggest you gently try to explain, that sometimes you are all "peopled" out, & just want a bit of peace & quiet, its nothing to do with rebuffing him, its just a need for personal time, to think or read, or anything, alone, with no noise, or people needing something, or TV too loud, it's just for a short while you recharge your batteries, , if he wants to be in the bar area, you'll go somewhere else, just don't follow me around like a dog....
I get you but when I said to him "You shouldn;t be offended because I've asked for space...it's not personal and I have a right to time alone" he still was stroppy. I feel it's toddlerish to be annoyed by this stuff. ...he's a fully grown man...why do I have to explain anything "gently" to him?' I AM venting a bit here....I'm perimenopausal and what it's done to me is make me a bit intolerant of whinging people or needy people.

Sigh. I think I'm a bit mean and a bit reasonable at the same time.

OP posts:
MumUndone · 15/01/2022 13:13

I sometimes tell my husband that I need to be on my own for a bit. He understands and doesn't get offended. Why is it offensive to want a bit of space in your own house?

MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 13:18

*FortunesFave

MsWalterMitty
Why have you asked whether you’re unreasonable poor not when you clearly know you’re not?
Why do you not understand that AIBU is for discussion as well as yes and no answers?*

I do, but you’re arguing against every poster who is saying you’re unreasonable. You asked whether you were or not but can’t seem to accept other people’s point of view.

So what’s the point in asking?

DysmalRadius · 15/01/2022 13:20

I'm surprised that so many posters think that it's only acceptable to be alone for prescribed activities such as having a bath or going for a walk. Is someone not allowed to be alone in their house doing an activity of their choice?

BrambleRoses · 15/01/2022 13:21

It’s an interesting discussion @MsWalterMitty

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:22

@DysmalRadius

I'm surprised that so many posters think that it's only acceptable to be alone for prescribed activities such as having a bath or going for a walk. Is someone not allowed to be alone in their house doing an activity of their choice?
Not according to some people apparently! I think it's weird to accept that you're never allowed to have a room to yourself for a while. it's not all the time and it's not like it's the best room...it's actually the least comfy room in the house! I like it because I enjoy being near the dog who sleeps here because its quiet.
OP posts:
Gymrats · 15/01/2022 13:23

I still think yabu, you can’t tell someone to leave a room in the house, you move to another room or sit in the bedroom.

Alternatively why don’t you create your own room, like an office with a sofa or something that’s just yours and you can go sit in there if it’s such a large house

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:23

@MsWalterMitty

*FortunesFave

MsWalterMitty
Why have you asked whether you’re unreasonable poor not when you clearly know you’re not?
Why do you not understand that AIBU is for discussion as well as yes and no answers?*

I do, but you’re arguing against every poster who is saying you’re unreasonable. You asked whether you were or not but can’t seem to accept other people’s point of view.

So what’s the point in asking?

To see if anyone puts forward a reasonable argument...which hasn't happened yet so of course I'm going to argue those posts. Confused should I pretend I agree or something?
OP posts:
Hugasauras · 15/01/2022 13:23

Yeah I would find that difficult too. Thankfully DH and I both have our own 'spaces' (his gaming room and my crafty/games room) and he understands my need for some alone time, but it is rubbish to have to sit in the bedroom every time you want half an hour to yourself! It's a difficult balance I think when you're with someone who doesn't understand that need for space. Some people just don't get it, but I would go mad if DH was always in the same room as me faffing about!

UserBot314159 · 15/01/2022 13:24

I get this. But it's my daughter. I tend to wander off to the bathroom to escape! And then she's outside telling me to hurry up... Shock

It's overwhelming.

But I would find somebody's company more tiring if they're firing questions at me. I find my daughter does that. So it's a type of conversation that requires concentration and thought and then sometimes when I have to give an opinion, then I have to defend the opinion. It is really tiring when you just want to relax.

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:25

@Gymrats

I still think yabu, you can’t tell someone to leave a room in the house, you move to another room or sit in the bedroom.

Alternatively why don’t you create your own room, like an office with a sofa or something that’s just yours and you can go sit in there if it’s such a large house

Well this is my "office" as I work from here as stated in the OP. But I do accept that I can't just call it mine and never let others in....when I'm not working in the day, DH uses the bar sink to do his gardening things....but if I'm working, he uses the laundry. I can't say it's mine really...but it is the least used room and if I say it's mine then DH will probably moan. Not that he uses it really!
OP posts:
MsWalterMitty · 15/01/2022 13:26

@BrambleRoses

It’s an interesting discussion *@MsWalterMitty*
It is an interesting discussion, you’re right.

However, OP doesn’t seem to want to accept other people’s opinions. OP doesn’t have to agree, but at least see their point.

Is just yes, but…. Yes, but. Which is why I’m saying, why ask?

Original poster
FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 13:27

@UserBot314159

I get this. But it's my daughter. I tend to wander off to the bathroom to escape! And then she's outside telling me to hurry up... Shock

It's overwhelming.

But I would find somebody's company more tiring if they're firing questions at me. I find my daughter does that. So it's a type of conversation that requires concentration and thought and then sometimes when I have to give an opinion, then I have to defend the opinion. It is really tiring when you just want to relax.

Yes, one of my DDs does that too.
OP posts:
SunshineOnKeith · 15/01/2022 13:30

@SarahJessicaParkin

Really? Why not though? I mean....just because a family lives together, doesn't mean people shouldn't sometimes be able to use one room alone sometimes...other than their bedroom. I mean, given I share my bedroom with DH, why would I not sometimes want to sit in another room alone? Our bedroom isn't set up for chilling out in because we both find that if we do that, we can't sleep.

I think because he said that he has as much right to alone time as you, he probably wanted to get away from the rest of the family, but you were in the bar and then sent him away because you wanted alone time. So it does seem unfair that you've bagsied the only "chill area" available in the house (because you don't like going to your room) by being there first. That was how i read it anyway 🤷‍♀️

Yanbu to want alone time, but he is too which is exactly what he said

How exactly is he getting alone time by choosing to be in a room with OP? I don't follow your logic?Confused Why can't he go to the bedroom for his alone time?