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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH "I need to be alone for a bit"?

127 replies

FortunesFave · 15/01/2022 12:35

Firstly we have a large-ish house with two storeys and a big garden. We're in Australia though so it's not like a traditional UK house in that all the living area is upstairs...kitchen, bedrooms, sitting room etc...balcony...downstairs is a room that's been converted into a bar and a big garage-like space plus a laundry and another bathroom.

Basically, I work in the bar during the day as I'm self employed...in the evening I spend time with the family upstairs, eat dinner, go with DH to walk the dogs etc.

But now and then I just want to be alone for a bit. I am quite introverted and I've spent all day with people...both my family and some friends.

So I just said to DH (it's evening here) I'd like to be alone for a bit....because he kept coming into the bar and just faffing about.

He wasn't DOING anything...just sitting down for a bit then getting up and messing with the dog's bed or with his books stored here

I'd only been down here for ten minutes and he followed me. When I asked to be alone, he went into an immediate strop.

He said he has as much right as I do to the space...and of course he does...but if someone wants to be alone and everyone else is upstairs, why would you get annoyed because you'd asked them to leave? He didn't need to be down here at all...I've spent time with him tonight.

I do spend quality time with him. AIBU to be blunt and tell him "I need to be alone for a while"??

OP posts:
RagzReturnedUnwrapped · 15/01/2022 14:10

@MintMe

Not unreasonable at all. I've just bought a new chair for our bedroom and explained to DH that every few weeks, I'm just going to sit upstairs and read for a few hours in the bedroom rather than be downstairs with him. I could read downstairs, but there's something more restful about being totally alone.
I frequently sit on my bed and read after dinner. If DH comes up, I will tell him if I'd rather be left alone. I work with people, I have to be nice to them all day. He doesn't. I like a few hours quiet time before I come and sit with him. He respects this and will go away when prompted (these days he can usually tell without being told!).
NoSquirrels · 15/01/2022 14:11

X-post. I see you’ve already reached that conclusion!

Also - noise cancelling headphones.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/01/2022 14:11

YANBU OP. I couldn't be with someone who didn't respect my need for personal space.

DH and I often take ourselves off to separate spaces. I'm currently alone in the living room while he's upstairs - this is the norm in our house and nobody gets offended.

Branleuse · 15/01/2022 14:14

Everyone should have the right to space. We all need headspace at times.
That doesnt mean someone else is a bastard for being upset at being told to go away. Neither are right or wrong here but you need a better way of communicating

Intothelight123 · 15/01/2022 14:17

Definitely not being unreasonable! Everyone needs space! You've not gone to the living room and demanded everyone leave FFS!

IwishICouldTurnBackTime · 15/01/2022 14:23

YABU. How would you feel if he treated you the same way?

SarahJessicaParkin · 15/01/2022 14:32

So....why did he say "I have as much right to alone time as you do" if he has his own room he could have gone to? That doesn't make any sense

SarahJessicaParkin · 15/01/2022 14:37

Oh hang on, I read that as he had as much right to some space as op; it was actually that he thinks he has as much right to THE space as the op...despite him having his own alone time space elsewhere, which op does not?

Yanbu. That's actually outrageous. Why don't you get your own room when he does?

CustardySergeant · 15/01/2022 14:37

@SarahJessicaParkin

So....why did he say "I have as much right to alone time as you do" if he has his own room he could have gone to? That doesn't make any sense
I can't see where he said that. He said "he has as much right as I do to the space" meaning he can go where he wants to in his own house. Nothing to do with him being alone.
fairylightsandwaxmelts · 15/01/2022 14:39

@IwishICouldTurnBackTime

YABU. How would you feel if he treated you the same way?
If DH said he wanted some space to watch TV/do his hobbies/be on his own for a while, I'd be fine with it.

Why on earth wouldn't you be okay with your partner wanting some space to themselves occasionally? Confused

MooPointCowsOpinion · 15/01/2022 14:43

Urgh I totally get you OP. My husband follows me chattering away about every thought in his head all the time! I find a pointed “mmhmm?” While he’s talking helps, he’ll suddenly realise he’s being a bit annoying and stop.
I think your husband and mine don’t have hobbies, or enough interests! I’ve been encouraging him to peruse golf, and I give him a job sometimes to send him away… that’s awful isn’t it!
I still love him very much…!

godmum56 · 15/01/2022 14:53

have you ever discussed this with him?....I mean not at the "I need to be alone point" but as an in principle conversation at another time? I can get how if its just sprung on someone like "go away now" it can feel hurtful.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2022 14:54

My DH tends to want to be in the same room with me, too. I don't really know what that's about (other than retirement) because neither of us 'impinges' on the other's need for 'me time' as far as going places alone, taking trips without each other etc. But it just seems, especially mornings and evenings, that we 'have' to be in the same room unless a specific task takes us elsewhere. I'm lucky in that we have a big house and I have an 'office' upstairs that is my territory, as his 'workshop' is his.

But when he 'feels the need' for us to be in the same room what's working for me is a pair of Air Pods Pro with noise cancellation. Pop them in, open the laptop and drift away.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 15/01/2022 15:04

There are two issues. One is using the space. The other is being alone. You do have the right to alone time, but I do think it's unfair to send someone out of a shared space without warning. Tell him you need to be alone before you go off.

I can't warn him I need to be alone before I know I do...

"I need to be alone for an hour or two, I'm going into the downstairs room, can I have it to myself for the next couple of hours?"

I'm going to try announcing it. "Right I'm off downstairs to be alone...if you need anything don't ask me." sort of thing.

Yep, that would work, more blunt than my suggestion but whatever suits you!

But I'd probably also have a separate conversation with him about generally needing some undisturbed time alone.

DappledThings · 15/01/2022 15:04

OP YANBU at all. Assuming you didn't tell him to fuck off and asked politely to give you some space it's a perfectly reasonable request. Bit different if you lived in a one bed flat with no other space but that's not the case either.

I'd go with the result of the vote which is very much in your favour!

bloomtoperish · 15/01/2022 15:06

This is why when I was in a relationship every 1-2 months I would have a night to myself in a local hotel. There's a nice one that's quite cheap near me but don't know if that's something you could afford.

GrandmasCat · 15/01/2022 15:14

@Ohyesiam

I am a friendly introvert married to an extrovert. He really gets that I need time alone. I rejoice when I saw the quite that I’ve attached. It can feel like a bit of a rejection to some people I guess. Maybe bring it up at a neutral time.
That Is so so true, happiest part of my marriage was when we were not living in each other pockets.

As soon as the right to privacy is invaded, the husband turns into another child to keep busy and entertain no matter what the wife wants, while when the wife breaks the privacy, she is accused of nagging.

GrandmasCat · 15/01/2022 15:15

… by that I was referring to the text in the attached picture

Violinist64 · 15/01/2022 15:19

At 11pm the last thing I want is company so I understand exactly where you are coming from. Sometimes, all we need is time to be alone and recharge our batteries. I can visualise your house as a few years ago l stayed with my cousin in Queensland. Even the stairs were outside. The main communal area there was the veranda, where they had a gigantic barbecue. They did very little cooking in the kitchen. It was very different from a British house. Your bar space sounds like the equivalent of my music room, which is where I work and where most of the books are. Sometimes after a long day’s teaching l like to sit in there and relax.

CatsBooksAndCoffee · 15/01/2022 15:26

@SunshineOnKeith

I find it bizarre that so many people think others have no right to privacy or alone time, and if they want some they have to do a solo activity or create a room for themselves, and if they don't then they should expect that other cognitively functional adults in the house follow, mither, and pester them, then get petulant and sulky when it's pointed out that this behaviour is annoying.

So basically OP, you have no right to be alone but your husband should have 24 hour access to you regardless of how you feel

Bonkers Confused

This.
Feedingthebirds1 · 15/01/2022 15:31

I've spent all day with people...both my family and some friends.

I wonder if that might be part of the problem? You're peopled out because you've seen friends, so you're telling him to piss off. That may feel to him like you prioritise your friends over him.

(And what do you mean by 'your' family? Your DCs and DH, or mum, dad, siblings etc?)

NeedAHoliday2021 · 15/01/2022 15:33

Dh works from home and rarely goes out. Today he dropped dc at dance and I had 10 whole minutes home alone. I put music on and was singing and dancing into a mirror Blush of course he walked in on me. I wasn’t subtle and just said “I get no time on my own to just be silly without being caught! The children get more privacy than me!” Dh gave me a hug and took the dog for a walk so I’d be alone. He gets it luckily. Doesn’t mean I don’t live him.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/01/2022 15:34

I think you are being completely reasonable.

A lot of couples can't bear to be together 24/7.

Your Dh needs to learn to enjoy his own company and not behave as if you are joined at the hip.

Get a She Shed and disappear to the end of the garden!

JinglingHellsBells · 15/01/2022 15:38

I also don't understand why some posters think you are selfish.

For decades, men have disappeared to the SHED. Or fishing. Or anywhere else they can be alone.

It's not healthy emotionally to be so dependent on someone else that you can't spend time on your own (like the DH here.)

Introverted people need time alone to recharge batteries. To just be.

The H here sounds a bit emotionally illiterate to be honest if he can't understand this.

dogfishman · 15/01/2022 15:46

YADNBU. You're absolutely reasonable to insist on your right to 'alone time', and not to be sent out to a shed for it either, assuming you're doing it politely and with reasonable consideration for the needs of others. Being together 24/7 would drive me nuts within days.

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