To tell DH "I need to be alone for a bit"?

[FortunesFave]

Firstly we have a large-ish house with two storeys and a big garden. We're in Australia though so it's not like a traditional UK house in that all the living area is upstairs...kitchen, bedrooms, sitting room etc...balcony...downstairs is a room that's been converted into a bar and a big garage-like space plus a laundry and another bathroom.

Basically, I work in the bar during the day as I'm self employed...in the evening I spend time with the family upstairs, eat dinner, go with DH to walk the dogs etc.

But now and then I just want to be alone for a bit. I am quite introverted and I've spent all day with people...both my family and some friends.

So I just said to DH (it's evening here) I'd like to be alone for a bit....because he kept coming into the bar and just faffing about.

He wasn't DOING anything...just sitting down for a bit then getting up and messing with the dog's bed or with his books stored here

I'd only been down here for ten minutes and he followed me. When I asked to be alone, he went into an immediate strop.

He said he has as much right as I do to the space...and of course he does...but if someone wants to be alone and everyone else is upstairs, why would you get annoyed because you'd asked them to leave? He didn't need to be down here at all...I've spent time with him tonight.

I do spend quality time with him. AIBU to be blunt and tell him "I need to be alone for a while"??

OP doesn’t have to agree, but at least see their point.

Well I might see a point...but do I have to say that every time? I mean of COURSE I see people's points...that's basic comprehension... but why does me saying "I see your point" matter? Do you think saying I see someone's point means that I sort of agree with their point?

i think when youre effectively telling somebody to piss off and leave you alone, especially if theyre not even the reason for your discomfort, and theyre someone you care about and love, then its probably worth discussing this properly when not in the heat of the moment, and finding a way to signal or say it to the other person without it being hurtful.
Do you have your own bedroom or anywhere that is actually your space?
If I need space I try not to use the main communal room, or id tell my partner do you mind if i go and get some quiet time as im all peopled out

@Branleuse

i think when youre effectively telling somebody to piss off and leave you alone, especially if theyre not even the reason for your discomfort, and theyre someone you care about and love, then its probably worth discussing this properly when not in the heat of the moment, and finding a way to signal or say it to the other person without it being hurtful. Do you have your own bedroom or anywhere that is actually your space? If I need space I try not to use the main communal room, or id tell my partner do you mind if i go and get some quiet time as im all peopled out

No we share a bedroom. And it's not set up for just sitting in because we both find it hard to sleep if we hang out in it. I have nowhere I could say was my own....this isn't communal at all. The sitting room, dining room and kitchen upstairs are...and DH could use the garage conversion room where there's a big sofa and his gym equipment. And to be fair...I didn't quite tell him to piss off...and he WAS the reason for my discomfort. I was fine till he walked in.

FFS, this man has more than one other room in which he could chill and relax, including a designated 'his' space which is as comfortable and pleasant as the room where OP wanted to sit by herself. Yet he came in and messed about, disturbing her.
Some men absolutely cannot stand not being the focus of women's attention. Some of them can't even stay out of the hair of women they don't know - if you're reading a book by yourself in a public place there will always be a man butting in demanding attention.

It's not your job to entertain your H 24/7 OP, and I would rapidly go off a man who was constantly hanging around and whining.

I find it bizarre that so many people think others have no right to privacy or alone time, and if they want some they have to do a solo activity or create a room for themselves, and if they don't then they should expect that other cognitively functional adults in the house follow, mither, and pester them, then get petulant and sulky when it's pointed out that this behaviour is annoying.

So basically OP, you have no right to be alone but your husband should have 24 hour access to you regardless of how you feel

Bonkers

@Wreath21

FFS, this man has more than one other room in which he could chill and relax, including a designated 'his' space which is as comfortable and pleasant as the room where OP wanted to sit by herself. Yet he came in and messed about, disturbing her. Some men absolutely cannot stand not being the focus of women's attention. Some of them can't even stay out of the hair of women they don't know - if you're reading a book by yourself in a public place there will always be a man butting in demanding attention.

It's not your job to entertain your H 24/7 OP, and I would rapidly go off a man who was constantly hanging around and whining.

This is basically what I think too. I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it tomorrow now..... That or I'm going to buy a used caravan or something and park it in the garden and LOCK IT! Then he won't be able to annoy me.

@SunshineOnKeith

I find it bizarre that so many people think others have no right to privacy or alone time, and if they want some they have to do a solo activity or create a room for themselves, and if they don't then they should expect that other cognitively functional adults in the house follow, mither, and pester them, then get petulant and sulky when it's pointed out that this behaviour is annoying.

So basically OP, you have no right to be alone but your husband should have 24 hour access to you regardless of how you feel

Bonkers

I know right! Fucking weird! A house with multiple rooms but nobody is EVER allowed to ask to be left alone in one other than the bedroom or bathroom! NOPE! Not having it.

OP I think it’s time you converted this bar officially into your womanly lair. It’s not fair your DH has a man lair and you don’t have one!

@SmithofSilver

If I want to be alone I take myself off to my bedroom. I don't think it is reasonable to expect to be left alone in common areas of the house tbh.

But their bedroom is shared too...

@SmithofSilver

If I want to be alone I take myself off to my bedroom. I don't think it is reasonable to expect to be left alone in common areas of the house tbh.

and what if he wanted to be in the bedroom? It sounds like a big enough house that he didn't have to follow her and stay in the one place se was

Really? Why not though? I mean....just because a family lives together, doesn't mean people shouldn't sometimes be able to use one room alone sometimes...other than their bedroom. I mean, given I share my bedroom with DH, why would I not sometimes want to sit in another room alone?

You just said bedrooms are for sleeping in, how is that different? You would still be sharing it with your DH?

I do think he was being unreasonable. My DH likes to hang in the kitchen which is on the ground floor and I prefer to hang in the bedroom which is on the second floor while our sons are in their room in the first floor. We have a floor separating us but able to take turns listening out for the boys. We both like time alone and both understand that.

@phoenixrosehere

Really? Why not though? I mean....just because a family lives together, doesn't mean people shouldn't sometimes be able to use one room alone sometimes...other than their bedroom. I mean, given I share my bedroom with DH, why would I not sometimes want to sit in another room alone?

You just said bedrooms are for sleeping in, how is that different? You would still be sharing it with your DH?

What? You're not making sense. I share my bedroom, I don't want to sit in it and I don't sit in it. I sleep in it...as does DH. What's your point?

@Gymrats

Yabu!

I wouldn’t tolerate being told by anyone to leave my kitchen/living room/bar area! It his house too!

If you want to be alone go for a walk, take a bath or sit in your bedroom-not take up a main area in the house!

At 11.00pm? You expect the OP, a woman to go for a walk on her own. Or to go to the bedroom where her DH s very likely to come in and say that he is getting ready to go to bed etc…

I can’t see that working tbh… unless you really love baths and don’t mind electricity mixing with water just that you can carry on browsing the Internet.

@FortunesFave you can do what my h does. Which is to not make any eye contact, ignore the person next to you and not really answer any questions at all. Works a treat for him.
Downside is that, if you do that, your DH is then likely to start saying you are totally ignoring him and you are rude….

"I like it because I enjoy being near the dog who sleeps here because its quiet."

What if the dog wants to be alone?!

@Agapornis

"I like it because I enjoy being near the dog who sleeps here because its quiet."

What if the dog wants to be alone?!

The dog is the only person in the house who doesn't care what I do...he's never offended. I can sit with him or not sit with him and he just snores.

Stop calling it a bar. It’s your room. Stop calling the other room the garage. Call it dp’s room. Have a visitor policy for your own room. Knock and ask to hang out if you want to spend time in dp room. You have the space, assign it properly.

I'm an incredibly introverted person so I get it, OP. YANBU.

Could you have a specific conversation about your need for alone time? It sounds like he doesn't really understand and is taking it as a rejection, so perhaps it needs to be explained to him outside the moment of the perceived rejection. Perhaps you can try to work towards some agreement and understanding so that when you're telling him you need some alone time, it's not coming so out of the blue.

I 100% understand. I am actually outwardly quite out going but particularly since all the Covid shit with the family here for all the months and husband working from home I now CRAVE just being on my own !
I actually resent the fact that I never have my own time . I disappear off to work three days a week and my husband does get his own space
So yes I do actually say to him that I am going off to somewhere in the house for a quiet time …he is fine with that !

@Franklyfrost

Stop calling it a bar. It’s your room. Stop calling the other room the garage. Call it dp’s room. Have a visitor policy for your own room. Knock and ask to hang out if you want to spend time in dp room. You have the space, assign it properly.

The trouble is, that whilst this makes complete sense, the rooms both lead to the back garden so during the day they're quite naturally a bit populated.

I do work in here but in the day, everyone's trained not to speak to me and I'm used to it so I can ignore a passer by.

It's at night when I want to chill in here sometimes and they know I'm not working...then I suppose they see the space as still somewhere theyre allowed...which of course they have to be with it being the only way into the garden.

I think I've got used to sneaking off for alone time....I'm going to try announcing it. "Right I'm off downstairs to be alone...if you need anything don't ask me." sort of thing.

I am a friendly introvert married to an extrovert. He really gets that I need time alone. I rejoice when I saw the quite that I’ve attached.
It can feel like a bit of a rejection to some people I guess. Maybe bring it up at a neutral time.

Virginia Woolf had the concept of a room of one's own, an office, a study.

Then the morning room was a Jane Austen lady's private space where she could write letters and read and sew and draw.

The drawing room was originally called the withdrawing room, where ladies could get away.

Then there's the shed.

I've noticed the craft room is something women have - I think it's today's version of these.

Whoever we are, we've always needed space.

Can't help thinking maybe it's time the bar had a makeover and became your studio/office/study/yoga space/craft room - he has his den, you need yours.

I can't warn him I need to be alone before I know I do...

I think you can warn him before you go to be alone though.

I mean, you realise you need alone time, so then you say “DH, I need a bit of time alone so I’m going downstairs to the bar.”

Then when he comes in to disturb you, reminding him you wanted time alone is not as arsey as ordering him out?

That’s what I do - forewarn and then remind if I get followed. If I just go off randomly then it seems more of a rejection.

Excuse the typos