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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DP is taking the piss now?

306 replies

DrunkanSkunkan · 15/01/2022 03:31

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 15/01/2022 14:33

OP this must be awful for you. You've said he could harm himself but he could also kill someone else. Walking into a road, jumping in a river.... who's to say someone else - swerving to miss him or trying to rescue him, doesn't end up dead or with their life ruined. Never mind the lower level intolerable selfishness of disrupting your night before a wedding etc. I think you would have every right to ask him to never drink more than two drinks, or stop drinking completely if he is incapable of being moderate. No it doesn't happen all the time but you only need one time for life to be totally fucked up.

And I would personally read the riot act to the friends to. I almost never interfere with friends, but someone could really end up dead. Ask them how they'd feel about encouraging a pattern that leads to that.

TracyMosby · 15/01/2022 14:56

You have a child.
He has an alcohol problem.
Leave him.

FrancescaContini · 15/01/2022 15:01

He’s not lovely. He’s an embarrassing, immature man child.

FrancescaContini · 15/01/2022 15:02

And yes - take your child away from this environment.

PrincessNutella · 15/01/2022 15:09

The only thing that's unreasonable is thinking that you can have any influence over him. Your boyfriend and his drunkenness aren't two separate things unless he wants them to be, and he doesn't. That doorbell ringing at two a.m. is indulged not just by you, but by the culture you live in. Somehow, it is judged to be acceptable and amusing for a grown man to let himself go in that way. There are other places where that behavior would not be tolerated. Up to now, you and everyone around him have helped to let him sink to become this low kind of man, but ultimately, it was his own choice, and he will not change. You may love some of his qualities, but you don't love others. There are a lot of other men who have good qualities without the poison that he contains. Just cut him lose. He'll always love the bottle more than you.

OnlyClothes · 15/01/2022 15:17

Video him if he gets into this state again. Video the destruction he causes. Then send it to him.

StrifeOfBath · 15/01/2022 15:21

You have a child.
He has an alcohol problem.

Neither of you seem to recognise the actual alcohol problem or the seriousness.

So he apologised. So what? What will happen next time? Another night of being awake while he pisses in the bedroom if he actually makes it home without falling in the river, getting his lights punched out by needlessly knocking on doors or causing a serious traffic accident?

He laughed about the music...you are too "guilty" to actually talk to your HUSBAND about an issue that will ruin yours and your children's lives.

He can sort this out...but he won't while you pussy foot about and enable him.

Your choice.

WheekestLink · 15/01/2022 15:24

Of course YANBU. It's disgusting behaviour and if he can't handle stopping drinking before he gets in these states, he very clearly shouldn't be drinking at all.

It is so unattractive and I could not be intimate with someone who behaved in this way. I'm embarrassed for him.

You should not have got up to go and pick him up, I would have left him out there and let someone call the police that he was knocking on doors. What a shit show of a 35 year old man.

ThreeLittleDots · 15/01/2022 15:33

we never really have a cross word

Then it's about time you did. By not telling him SERIOUSLY how angry, disgusted and ashamed you feel about his behaviour, he will continue doing it every now and again for the rest of his life.

You must tell him to stop binge drinking entirely - forever. You do not wish to live like this. If he can't then he goes to AA. If he won't then he's out.

He is choosing to put himself in reckless situations that could end up with him dead, assaulted or with a criminal record. His self-neglect and dismissal of your needs is absolutely dispicable.

Onwardsandonwards · 15/01/2022 15:36

Op - he’s an alcoholic!!!

Doubledenimrock · 15/01/2022 15:41

He is an alcoholic because his drinking is problematic and dangerous. He must stop. Or your relationship is over.

CrocodilesCry · 15/01/2022 15:42

He needs to stop drinking or he's going to seriously damage himself or someone else. He clearly can't go out and get a bit merry so he needs to not drink at all.

What if he got in a car and drove drunk and killed himself or someone else? Sounds like he's drunk enough to make such an error of judgement.

What if he got himself in a situation where he was in danger?

A relative of mine drowned years ago while drunk after a night out. It was unimaginably awful and something nobody will ever get over.

Someone else I know died before Christmas after being hit by a car walking home drunk in the middle of the road on a night out.

Tell him he stops drinking or he's out.

Doubledenimrock · 15/01/2022 15:48

I would be so anxious every time he went out and then dreading the next time, that my life would be miserable

Tigertigertigertiger · 15/01/2022 16:41

I wouldn’t bin a wonderful partner over this.

whereisthejasmine · 15/01/2022 16:50

You have my sympathies OP, my DH is very much the same. His DP was an alcoholic, I do think they cannot handle their drink for physiological reasons.

DH might have one pint or drink emonade, or he might be completely bladdered, be a complete moron and piss the bed. If he goes out with his mates I tell him he has to stay at one of theirs as I cannot take the stress of it, being on pins each time. They think it is hilarious, I do not.

He is in his 50s now and I have had enough of it and probably come across to him as a complete nag, but he has to learn to have a few drinks and not drink like a fish, then say its ok because he rarely goes out. He is going on a big do soon, I am not going as I know I wont have fun as I would just be babysitting him.

Now DS is a young man, guess who is giving him a hard time about drinking too much too often? Yup, DH.

But to be fair DS does drink a lot when he goes out, perhaps he is like his father, perhaps he is a normal 20 year old, time will tell. And he does get himself into lots of dangerous situations when drunk as well ....

MorkandMandy · 15/01/2022 16:53

Why does he even want to drink? Why would anyone do this to themselves if it had this effect?

girlmom21 · 15/01/2022 16:55

@Tigertigertigertiger

I wouldn’t bin a wonderful partner over this.
He's not wonderful because he laughed when she told him about his awful behaviour.
MadeForThis · 15/01/2022 16:59

He needs an alcohol limit and to promise to stick to it, regardless of who he is drinking with.

He doesn't sound like he has an alcohol dependency. He sounds like he is a dick when he drinks. So he needs to control that. Every time he drinks. No exceptions.

Or just stop drinking.

OrlandointheWilderness · 15/01/2022 17:05

Hope today has gone okay for you OP.

Salome61 · 15/01/2022 17:17

I am sorry to read this, how difficult for you. It's almost as though his body can't tolerate alcohol. I hope you can get him agree to knock drink on the head completely.

MyOtherProfile · 15/01/2022 17:20

You have done the right thing speaking to him about it. Stand your ground. He needs to grow up.

1967buglet · 15/01/2022 17:32

He’s an addict. I’d contact Al-Anon and get some advice, if anything for your child, because it will affect your DS. I wish you all the best, OP.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 15/01/2022 17:40

Yabu to go and rescue him

Let him face consequences (like being cold and facing the wrath of randomers woken up at 2:20)

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2022 17:42

Well, first off his 'friends' are not friends. No friend actively encourages another to make an arse of himself, especially not when it endangers them. And there are people (mostly men) who actively seek out a 'butt of all jokes' to include in their group simply for the hilarity they provide. They aren't a friend, they're entertainment. It's disgusting.

Secondly, yes he does have a 'problem' with alcohol. Unless he learns his limit AND can control himself 100% of the time he's a problem drinker and needs to seek help.

If he refuses to stop drinking NOW until he's gotten the help he needs and if he refuses to carefully evaluate these 'friends', it would be a deal breaker for me.

KurtWilde · 15/01/2022 17:48

Well, first off his 'friends' are not friends. No friend actively encourages another to make an arse of himself, especially not when it endangers them. And there are people (mostly men) who actively seek out a 'butt of all jokes' to include in their group simply for the hilarity they provide. They aren't a friend, they're entertainment. It's disgusting.

I agree with this. In my exh friend group it was him. They knew all it took was a bit of encouragement and he'd drink way more than he could handle and make a complete dick of himself.

The problem is getting him to realise this OP. I never succeeded. And he'd have to learn how to say no, I've had enough.