To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

The top result is the urban dictionary meaning - please don't Google. I think the PP is referring to the TV show where a load of irresponsible guys do stupid stuff for 'laughs'

Had a partner like this once YANBU. At all.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. We’re back from the wedding now, we had a lovely time, DP didn’t have a drink at all. We went for a (alcohol free!) pub lunch on the way home and had a big talk. He was very apologetic, he admitted they’d been on the shots all night and that he was fine one minute then not the next. I really explained how upsetting I find it seeing him like this and how worried I am
About him
Hurting himself. He hasn’t got any more nights out planned and we have a busy few months with holidays, weekends away, birthdays etc and there’s never ever been an issue with acting out when he’s been drinking on any of these previous events so I have 0 worries.

I’m thinking of paying for some counselling, I have a lot of left over issues with past relationships and my childhood and I suppose reading some of the responses on this thread has shown me how much I hold my own feelings back (in every single aspect of my life) and how this just feeds into my anxiety.

I just want to make it clear again because some
People don’t seem to get it, my DS goes to his df’s most weekends as his df works away Monday to Friday so can’t see him in the week. Neither of us have been drunk/hungover when ds has been in the house, ds has never seen either of us drunk and we don’t drink in the house. When we go on holiday we genuinely limit ourselves to one/two drinks. There’s nothing for DS to ‘pick up on’ as he’s never even close to any drunkenness and won’t be till he’s old enough to start drinking himself!!

Hopefully everything we talked about has sunken in. Thanks again

It sounds as if you've just accepted his apology and will carry on as normal until it happens again. If he gets in that sort of state you should not be picking him up, or cleaning up after him or putting him to bed. Let him deal with ALL of the consequences of his drunken binges. Apologies afterwards are utterly meaningless if it keeps happening.

I’m thinking of paying for some counselling, I have a lot of left over issues with past relationships and my childhood and I suppose reading some of the responses on this thread has shown me how much I hold my own feelings back (in every single aspect of my life) and how this just feeds into my anxiety.

Well I hope it shows you that you're not the only one in your relationship who could do with therapy.

So is he going to do some counselling, look into why he can’t control his drinking, put a plan in place to prevent this happening again, or completely stop drinking?

Or was it just the usual apology, he’s “mortified” again, and it’s all ok now for a while, because he won’t have the opportunity to get into that state again for the next few months?

I applaud your desire to work on your own issues via counseling. Just be sure one of those issues is why you are accepting such shitty behaviour from him, even if it's once in a blue moon.

And he needs counseling, too. Is he willing to do the work needed to discover why he sometimes chooses not to control his drinking?

@Catjs87

I shouldve maybe said trying to change his behaviour to conform to what she thinks is satisfactory is controlling

So she should just let him drink himself in front of a bus or into a river, yes?

He’s one of those people who really shouldn’t drink at all.
I agree with filming him. It’s totally embarrassing behaviour, especially for a 35 year old.

Sounds like you're just going to ignore it until the next time.

Get counselling yourself by all means, but he needs to do something because unfortunately there will be a next time.

I'm not teetotal by any stretch but I've known people killed (two due to accidents while they were drunk themselves, another who killed someone drink driving) who drank the way you describe.

He needs to get help himself and not get into this state again.

Really? The conclusion that the two of you have come to together is...that YOU should get counseling? I mean, yes, you should, of course, and I hope your counseling helps you address the low standards you have in your relationships with men. But he should have been eager to change before you brought it up, and he should be more than eager now that you have, and he should have a measurable plan of how he is going to do so.

I'm glad you talked , and I'm glad that you've decided to speak to a professional to address any issues you have op. But the big questions here are about him and his behaviour and what will happen the next time he goes out drinking.

Also , I strongly disagree with what you said about your child not noticing that your partner has a problem. I first heard about my dad being found in the street outside our house (pissed and collapsed) when I heard the neighbours talking about it. The hallway carpet had the slightest smell of urine that day. As the youngest sibling I worked out that the culprit must've been my drunken dad as we have no pets. Children are not stupid , they notice things and it can has a negative impact on them.

Please remember that your choices are not just for you but for your child too , as he has to live with them.

Lack of opportunity to do it again isn't really a solution though OP.

Counselling for you is a great idea. I hope you can see you need to work out how to stop accepting this terrible behaviour, which will come from exploring why you tolerate it in the first place.

The update I was hoping for would have been more like:

Back from the wedding. He's told me he thinks he's got a binge drinking problem and needs professional help to stop. I told him that I'm joining Al Anon and that things have to change...

Sorry @DrunkanSkunkan but your only solution here is him being too busy to get drunk for a while.

That won't stop you worrying or stop his behaviour the next time he does drink.

What's the solution he's proposing if he's genuinely remorseful?

Denial is, of course, a big feature of alcoholism and it sounds like you may be caught up in denial too.

Maybe you could get in touch with Al-Anon which is for the families of problem drinkers? Apologies if this has already been suggested.

Really glad the weekend went well, and that you felt able to be more honest about the impact his drinking has on you. Unfortunately there is something missing from this:

He was very apologetic, he admitted they’d been on the shots all night and that he was fine one minute then not the next. I really explained how upsetting I find it seeing him like this and how worried I am About him Hurting himself. He hasn’t got any more nights out planned and we have a busy few months with holidays, weekends away, birthdays etc and there’s never ever been an issue with acting out when he’s been drinking on any of these previous events so I have 0 worries.

That's a plan for the future, a commitment from either but preferably both of you to prevent this dynamic happening again. I understand that you're afraid of conflict but saying you have "0 worries" isn't true is it, you have no worried for the next few months because he's too busy (you hope) to get smashed again.

I'm not trying to put the boot in, I'm just saying you need to do the second half of this conversation, where you ask him: "What can you/we do to prevent this ever happening again? Because I can't live with this stress."

Sorry I was unclear - i meant that any kind of plan for the future to mitigate/prevent him causing this problem or getting into trouble is missing.

If your son was, say, being bullied at school, you wouldn't say "oh it's fine it's nearly the summer holidays so I'm not worried about it any more". That's just delaying the problem, not sorting it.

It sounds like zero has changed

You seem worryingly good at compartmentalising. This is often a symptom of someone who has grown up in a traumatic environment themselves. “Severely stressed/frightened/worried/traumatized last night, but all okay now because… X.” Even though the pattern of behaviour WILL happen again.
While I am very pleased you are going to have counselling like everyone else, I am concerned that you have taken responsibility here and he hasn’t. I suspect that counselling will make you look at your past and your relationship anyway and you will come to the conclusion that you are with a giant manchild who is able to justify his immature, dangerous behaviour and minimize the effect it has on you because he doesn’t want to change it and he doesn’t care enough about you or prioritize your feelings/relationship above alcohol. You need to explain to your DP that you going to counselling alone is probably the nail in the coffin for your relationship.

I'm like your DH. Don't go out much but when I do 50% of those nights end in my embarrassment. I've given up alcohol. DH has never really made me but I can tell he's sick of it but it has to come from your DH to see this.

So, in effect he said Sorry Mrs Patterson and you decide you need therapy.

OK. Come back next time and we can give you the same advice again!

My ex used to be like that. Leaving him was the best thing I have ever done. Now he's doing it to another girl, much younger than him. I'm afraid he hasn't learnt his lesson.

Just leave him, man....

Quite, @CuriousaboutSamphire.

Nothing has changed. Nothing.
And yet OP is the one being laughed at by her DP, & the one taking responsibility for getting counselling.

While he is ... going to be shepherd-dogged at the next few non-triggering social events. Until the next time he goes out with his mates, & has to drink up & act out.

This problem has not been addressed by one jot. So it is going to keep happening. I suppose OP has resigned herself to it, & is hoping for a few months 'off' the worry before he does it again.

So you both are united in your denial of his drink problem.

You are prepared to limp on because he hasn't many opportunities to get into a shocking state over the next few months?

Deeply unhealthy dynamic which you are refusing to admit to.

Good luck.