To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

Look, its not controlling to not want to get dragged into the drunken childish debauchery of a 35 year old man, so get that idea out of your head

Can't say it better than this!

He's acting like an 18 year old. Absolutely ridiculous. I know you say he's dependable and mature when not drunk, but I think drink brings out a side of us that is hidden/ what we really are etc. And he sounds like a complete idiot. I would be quickly losing all respect for him.

How does he behave when he's sober - can he reflect on his behaviour and the impact it has on you?

I think he needs a reality check and a very strong word about whether you are going to stay in the relationship if he doesn't stop drinking to excess. He's your partner, not a child, and being called out and embarrassed like that at 2am by a 35 year old man is aboslutely unbelievable.

Also - you're entitled to care if he's hungover at the wedding.

I'd be absolutely furious if my partner behaved this way any day, but especially the day before attending an event like a wedding. It's really disrespectful.

Oh no, how bad is the cut on his forehead? Will it be mentioned at the wedding? If he gets beer fear he'll be in rags today. It sounds like whenever he drinks he reverts back to the age he was when he had his first drink. You do need to tell him it's enough. Is he driving to the wedding? He might be over the limit still but if he's driving home after then at least he can't drink at the wedding. I've never heard of someone putting their wallet and phone in the bin

YANBU and I’m sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. It’s an outrage.

I wouldn’t be taking a stinking hungover mess to a wedding. Go alone and get him to pack some things. It doesn’t matter if it just happens sometimes, it still happens regularly and it’s way, way too much. He needs to stay somewhere else whilst you have a think. Basically he needs to stop drinking

He sounds like my ex but this is possibly salvageable whereas mine wasn't in the end (think wine for breakfast)
I would be having very stern words about the fact that this absolutely must not happen again
From now on if he goes out id ask him to stay somewhere else
I'm sure his friends won't find it half as amusing if they are having to deal with the aftermath in their own home
I'd tell him in all seriousness that you have had enough and if he does this one more time you will end things

YANBU. I'd have given an ultimatum long ago. He's only dependable, funny and a lovely man as long as he hasn't had a drink. Time for him to face some uncomfortable truths and start behaving like the grown man he is, not a teen on his first night out.

OP I would tell him if he's planning on drinking today you're not doing with him. For your sanity.

It IS alcoholism, that is for sure. I have had alcohol problems myself, and have had lots of contact with therapists, AA and drinkers over several decades. I am now well into recovery and wish I had become abstinent sooner. He needs to realise he has a serious problem, becoming unable to care for yourself or your loved ones on a periodic basis is NOT normal. Is he able to recognise this?

YANBU

"The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink."

Where are these friends when he's stumbling around pissed at 3am with his head cut open? Even if his behaviour wasn't completely unacceptable, it might make you feel less anxious if you knew his mates had his back on a night out. The friends sound like dicks and he probably feels that being the drunken entertainer is part of his role in the group (especially if they've been friends for so long). I hope his new work mates are giving him a ribbing for the Christmas party behaviour?

I have been a bad drunk in the past @IamtheDevilsAvocado , your post could absolutely be me in my twenties and on the odd occasion in my early thirties. I stopped drinking all together and now I occasionally enjoy a single drink at home if it's been a loooong day (have a crazy 3YO) or a few drinks out with friends occasionally. Recently I went to my Christmas work party, ended up staying for eight hours and drank loads, but felt totally in control of myself and had a lovely time without incident.

As for the wedding, nothing is ruined yet. Please don't go into this having decided that DP has ruined the day, it'll make you angrier. Decide that you will have a good time. If you're feeling able to get up at 07:30 and get ready as you planned, do so and enjoy pampering yourself. You don't have to get DP up at 07:30 if you're leaving at 10:30, he just needs a decent shower, a bite to eat and a suit surely?

You say “I deserve better” and you absolutely do.

Those kind of antics are slightly funny in teens and students but he should have grown out of them by now.

Definitely go to the wedding on your own if you can. Make him realise that pulling this shit has consequences.

It’s completely unacceptable.

Have you discussed NOT doing this though? When he’s mortified does he say “never again” and come up with strategies to avoid it? Ie stopping after two, having a ‘buddy’ to watch out for him etc

Is there any chance he takes drugs as well as drinks? The banging the gate and talking very loud sounds a bit odd.

If he doesn’t change his behaviour he’s not that embarrassed.

Oh God OP, you need to have a long conversation. He’s a danger to himself and others.
I hope you make it to the wedding today.

Op he's clearly not mortified really because he always does it again

Similar story to @IamtheDevilsAvocado. I did this in my 20s and got over it in my 30s.

Never as dramatic as opening car doors or wandering off, but I'd fall over quite a bit and have lost my bag before and generally been in a very dangerous state. I worked in places with a heavy work hard/play hard ethos, so a lot of the time I was surrounded by people who did this and it was acceptable. A number of my other friends were also like this but we all sorted ourselves out and had families in our 30s.

From my own observations, I'd say it's often an unhealthy stress outlet and perhaps some dutch courage. I think it's important to pinpoint why it happens. My own was definitely poor stress management.

I used to have the odd night like that when I was at university. And then I grew up.

Adding to the chorus that you need to have a serious talk with him about it but I'd be prepared to walk away if he can't put you before being "the mad one" on nights out.

He has a bad drink problem and needs to quit alcohol. I'd be having a serious conversation with him because even half that shit you've described is unacceptable. I'm glad he's lovely the rest of the time but these exceptions are severe enough to ruin it for me.

Does he hate socializing? I have terrible social anxiety and used to have to drink to get through social occasions. Like your DP after a few drinks it usually went too far and I would be the drunk one causing havoc being egged on by everyone. I was then asked to go to things because I was 'a laugh' so I felt I had a role to play at parties. If I tried to not drink or get drunk the others would be visibly miffed and try all night to get me hammered until I gave in.
On reflection years later I can see that I was using alcohol as a crutch and something to hide behind, my 'friends' didn't want sober me but drunk me for their entertainment. I don't have much confidence at the best of times so realised I was a people pleaser for people who's intentions for me were not great.
I'd say his mates are not being kind at all. He needs a new social group whose main focus isn't around alcohol. What he needs is support to acknowledge that this is a problem and how to move forward, expect relapses.
I no longer drink at all but life has changed, I've gone to being a person who would go to the opening of an envelope to someone that can count the social occasions I've been to in the last five years on one hand. I strongly suspect I have ADD, without a drink I can't connect with people the way normal people do. I've had to learn to accept that for the sake of my relationship with DP.

Thanks for all the replies. I just want to make it clear (sorry not sure who the poster was who asked if I left my DS at home) that ds is NOT here, he’s at his dads and he has never been at home when DP (or me!) is drunk. I would never ever leave him in the house alone, I get twitchy if He’s alone downstairs for too long if I’m busy upstairs 🤣

I don’t think he takes drugs. None of his friends do and I know quite a few recreational drug users and he doesn’t have any of the signs of taking them so I’d say no to that.

When he does something stupid he won’t drink for ages after that. Last year he went out with just his friends for the first time in about 4 months (lockdowns and stuff just meant we went out together as a couple with couple friends and there was no incidents) and again got really drunk. He fell into our neighbours car (he tripped and landed on the bonnet kind of thing). His neighbours obviously heard a loud crash and came out, they could see he was drunk so said they’d talk about it in the morning. As soon as he was awake he went straight round there, apologised, offered to pay if the car was damaged (it wasn’t) and didn’t have a drink for about 3 months, he was so embarrassed. He’s lived next to these neighbours for 10 years (he rented the house before we met then we brought the house from the landlord).

I do think that I’m quite… I’m not sure of the word, I don’t want to say pushover because I’m not at all but I suppose because things like this only occur every once in a while and the fact that he was like this when we met I feel a bit like well what can I say, he’s amazing the rest of the time and I knew what he was like when I met him kind of thing.

But now seeing it written down I can see I have been too easy on him.

It’s his colleagues wedding and we’re staying over night. He won’t have a big drink tonight, he probably won’t even have a drink. Normally after a big night out he just sticks to lemonades or water for a while.

Oh op, this sounds really difficult.
Hopefully you can manage to have a chat with him at some point today and you manage to enjoy the wedding.

And yeah exactly his friends are the ones who encourage him. Of course he’s a grown man and he is 100% responsible for his actions and has no one to blame but himself but they do like it when he does something stupid and I think it’s a confidence thing, this is the person they’ve always known him to be so he needs to be that friend. He does stuff with them in the day that doesn’t involve drinking of course but the majority of time any of his meet ups with them are with drinking

Ew that sounds deeply unappealing. Its also very dangerous, I lost a friend a few years back who fell asleep outside after a night out and basically froze to death- so sad. Not to mention it can be scary for some to have a strange man knocking on their door in the middle of the night, especially if they have escaped DV or whatever. If he can't go out and just have a few then that's pretty sad, but not sure how you can try and limit it for him.

It IS difficult. I know it’s easy to look at what I’ve written and be kind of like god what a prick. And I hate threads on here when someone’s like my husband kicks the dog and locks the kids in the shed snd slept with my sister BUT he does all the cooking and washes the car on a Sunday so he’s amazing in that way so I don’t want to come across that way but genuinely he is such a good man. So supportive, ive just been through a really hard few years and now my family is going through difficult times with illness and things and he’s a rock. He couldn’t be more supportive. He’s kind and caring and makes me laugh like a drain. Good job, sensible with money, excellent with ds, basically everything I could want. And he’s my best mate.

But I think again in a way this clouds everything because the next day after something has happened so eg him running off, the next day when the anger edges im thinking well thank god we found him, at least he’s ok that’s all that matterS. But it isn’t all that matters and it’s not ok. I know that deep down

Wake up, OP! He’s an alcoholic and isn’t going to change. How dare he wake you like that, meaning that you’ll be tired today and so unlikely to enjoy the wedding? Why does his need to be a twat trump your good night’s sleep? What a nasty man. He has zero respect for you. Trying to piss in the bedroom?! Yuck! Grounds for separation. You do not want him around your DC. As the child of an alcoholic, trust me on that. The anxiety you feel will be felt by them too.