To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

Stop enabling this shitty behaviour by always agreeing to pick him up whenever he calls you pissed out of his skull at stupid o-clock.

I did that years ago and it was sooo liberating. It also taught DH that I wasn't at his beck and call and that if he wanted to go out then that was fine, but he would have to make his own way home. No way was I getting infant school and preschool children out of bed in the middle of the night to come and get him from some twatty work Christmas do or whatever it was. It only took one refusal to come out (when he conveniently "forgot" the rules) to remind him that I meant it. It was years and years ago, and he has never behaved like such an arse since.

For the record, I have never expected him to pick me up either. In this house anyone who wants to go out can do so, but remains responsible for getting themselves back too. We are both happy with that as we are home buddies these days anyway.

For the posters that are telling you he is an alcoholic, he is not. Although he does have a strange relationship with alcohol and it does have a profound effect on him.

My ex used to go off the rails every few months when he had a big day/night out with his brothers. Like he had to keep up with them. Egging each other on. One time he was out all day. I went and picked him up. He could hardly speak to tell me where he was. Got home. Tried to get into bed. Tripped up. Smashed his head open on the bedside table. We ended up in A&E, he got a lot of stitches and had concussion. Was admitted. Next morning discharged himself thoroughly embarrassed the state he got himself in and could not remember what had happened. He thought someone had hit him.

We worked out that he seemed to be fine drinking his own body weight in Guinness (not even joking, on some of these days out he put away 18 pints! . This just made him drunk. Anytime he had shots he got into a wild state. So it didn’t seem to be the amount of alcohol units he had that mattered but what they were.

Inbetween these crazy nights often he would go for weeks without even having a beer so def not dependent on alcohol. After the splitting his head open incident he decided to stick to the Guinness only. What a difference. No more crazy behaviour of losing phones, wallets, jackets, bank cards, coming home with traffic cones, toilet seats (gross) any more. So the big crazy nights out continued but only about twice a year and no more trips to A&E.

Might be worthwhile him working out if it’s a certain drink/mix of drinks that have a worse effect on him. Also have the conversation you are having with us, but with him. You’ve said he had many great qualities but this is not one of them. And hats off to you OP for being so reasonable. I would have been raging at this behaviour the night before a big event x

Alcoholic = has a problem with alcohol

@beach

@Beachgirl33 your posts describes an alcoholic.

@Beachgirl33 so he's found an alcoholic drink that masks his alcoholism . There are many, many people who think that just because someone isn't paralytic drinking alcohol they're not alcoholics . He's found alcohol that enables him to function in an acceptable way = functioning alcoholic = he has a problem with alcohol .

Nope. He was not a dependent drinker. He was a harmful drinker. V different

@Beachgirl33

For the posters that are telling you he is an alcoholic, he is not. Although he does have a strange relationship with alcohol and it does have a profound effect on him.

My ex used to go off the rails every few months when he had a big day/night out with his brothers. Like he had to keep up with them. Egging each other on. One time he was out all day. I went and picked him up. He could hardly speak to tell me where he was. Got home. Tried to get into bed. Tripped up. Smashed his head open on the bedside table. We ended up in A&E, he got a lot of stitches and had concussion. Was admitted. Next morning discharged himself thoroughly embarrassed the state he got himself in and could not remember what had happened. He thought someone had hit him.

We worked out that he seemed to be fine drinking his own body weight in Guinness (not even joking, on some of these days out he put away 18 pints! . This just made him drunk. Anytime he had shots he got into a wild state. So it didn’t seem to be the amount of alcohol units he had that mattered but what they were.

Inbetween these crazy nights often he would go for weeks without even having a beer so def not dependent on alcohol. After the splitting his head open incident he decided to stick to the Guinness only. What a difference. No more crazy behaviour of losing phones, wallets, jackets, bank cards, coming home with traffic cones, toilet seats (gross) any more. So the big crazy nights out continued but only about twice a year and no more trips to A&E.

Might be worthwhile him working out if it’s a certain drink/mix of drinks that have a worse effect on him. Also have the conversation you are having with us, but with him. You’ve said he had many great qualities but this is not one of them. And hats off to you OP for being so reasonable. I would have been raging at this behaviour the night before a big event x

The ops partner/hubby is an alcoholic. As is yours.

I genuinely don't give a toss what the official definition of the word alcoholic is. What matters is that if alcohol consumption is having a negative impact on your relationships and/or home life then it's problematic and needs to be looked at. Especially is there are kids in your home. Kids are not stupid. They know if the neighbours are talking about members of their household. They know if an object at home has been moved , thrown away or smells like sick or piss. They notice things. It has an impact on them even you think it doesn't.

Sorry ex .😬

[quote neonjumper]@Beachgirl33 so he's found an alcoholic drink that masks his alcoholism . There are many, many people who think that just because someone isn't paralytic drinking alcohol they're not alcoholics . He's found alcohol that enables him to function in an acceptable way = functioning alcoholic = he has a problem with alcohol .[/quote]
My ex drank in a harmful manner a couple of times a year. He was not a dependent drinker but was absolutely a harmful drinker

You should have recorded his behaviour and played it back to him - it might shock him enough to never drink again.

[quote neonjumper]@Beachgirl33 so he's found an alcoholic drink that masks his alcoholism . There are many, many people who think that just because someone isn't paralytic drinking alcohol they're not alcoholics . He's found alcohol that enables him to function in an acceptable way = functioning alcoholic = he has a problem with alcohol .[/quote]
He wasn’t a “functioning alcoholic”. I said in my post that he did this a couple times a year. No issue with alcohol inbetween these issues. Could absolutely take it or leave it. I should say at this point I am a well qualified health professional who specialised in Addiction for many years.

I was giving an example to OP of similar behaviour of my ex. At no point was I condoning her partner or my ex’s behaviour but people are very quick to use the term “alcoholic” which means dependent drinker. Her partner’s drinking does not mean this but it is very harmful nonetheless.

@BBCONEANDTWO

You should have recorded his behaviour and played it back to him - it might shock him enough to never drink again.

I think that’s a very good idea

We worked out that he seemed to be fine drinking his own body weight in Guinness (not even joking, on some of these days out he put away 18 pints! hmm. This just made him drunk. Anytime he had shots he got into a wild state. So it didn’t seem to be the amount of alcohol units he had that mattered but what they were.

I’m sorry but this is nonsense - and if you worked in addictions you should know this. ALL alcoholic drinks have ethanol as the alcohol - all of them. The rest of the drink is just flavourings, sugar, water etc. It doesn’t matter what you drink, be it wine, spirits, beer or cider - it is ethanol you are drinking. The reason why spirits get people drunker/quicker is because they are stronger in ethanol content and you can drink a greater volume. Plus people often move onto shots after beer /wine then blame the shots for “making them crazy” or whatever.

[quote Piglet89]@Mybestyear is bang on the money.[/quote]
@Piglet89 - thank you. There is so much nonsense being posted on this thread it’s really starting to piss me off.

@DrunkanSkunkan - you might want to consider posting on the Alcohol Support threads in Health. You will get lots of support without the LTB brigade wading in.

I’m leaving the thread now but I wish you well and really hope your DH can accept his drinking is a problem and seeks help to address it

A cousin was like this - every Friday night, out with his mates. He sometimes didn't come home until Sunday morning.

A few yrs ago he went on his work's Christmas night out and did his usual 'performance', egged on by his 'mates'.

The next morning, his wife came home from her night shift and couldn't get through the front door because something was blocking it from opening.

She went round the back of the house to let herself in and then found her husband's body at the bottom of the stairs, up against the front door.

He was lying in a pool of vomit. His funeral was on Christmas Eve.

For someone who is 35 to still be drinking like this is ridiculous. He obviously has a problem with moderation, and for that reason needs to be cutting down/going completely teetotal. I could not live like this and would be worried about him doing something serious, like getting into an accident when he is drunk.

'Alcoholic' doesn't just mean 'Joe down Skid Row' who daily starts drinking when he gets up and stops when he passes out. 'Alcoholic' can encompass any person who drinks and cannot stop whether it's every day, once a month, or twice a year. It is any person who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol to the extent that affects them and those around them negatively.

OP's DH needs to seek help to learn why he gets so blind drunk, even if it's only a few times a month.

@DrunkanSkunkan

Yeah he’s awake I woke him up.

He’s still really tipsy. I told him what happened and he’s apologised and said he doesn’t know why he gets in these states and he doesn’t know why he does the things he does. He laughed a bit when I said about playing the music and I said it’s not funny, it might be funny for you but it’s not for anyone else. I told him he’s going to seriously hurt himself one day and he has a family who loves him and is it worth breaking your neck falling down the stairs or pissing in the corner of your bedroom for the sake of a few drinks.

So we’ll see. He’s gone in the shower now, going get up myself snd have w coffee and put some makeup on and just see what today brings. But my heart is pounding, we never really have a crossed word or anything and even though I know eveyrhing I said was correct I already feel
Guilty for bringing it up

You could actually do with counseling yourself if you feel terrible for what sounds like mildly saying I wasn’t happy with you. His behaviour is unacceptable. All those helpful things you say he does on Sunday? He won’t do them when he’s old before his time due to binge drinking, and he certainly won’t do them when he’s dead, disabled or in jail long before he’s old due to his behaviour on a drunken night out. You will have to do without those helpful behaviours then so you would be better off spending this time showing you are furious and working out what life wihtout him looks like as you may have no choice.

Does what he drinks make a difference?
I'm only asking because I learned early on that if my DH stuck to just beer he was fine , but as soon as he went onto shorts it was if a switch had been flipped. He got loud and very aggressive and cause all sorts of bother . Call me controlling, but I banned him from drinking spirits and he stuck to it . For the next 35 years he was fine when he went out drinking keeping to beer .

@DrunkanSkunkan
I just wanted to say that I hope we haven't heard from you because you are having a flipping marvellous time at the wedding!

He's a binge drinker not an alcoholic.
He needs counselling and professional help to deal with his binging and why he does it.
Good luck OP.

Wow.

The things that some women put up with, just to have pair of trousers in their life.

He's an alkie who should go in the bin.

@BBCONEANDTWO

You should have recorded his behaviour and played it back to him - it might shock him enough to never drink again.

Yeah, I would have recorded him too.

Play it back to him to show him what an absolute shambles he is, when he has a drink.

Then dump him.