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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP is taking the piss now?

306 replies

DrunkanSkunkan · 15/01/2022 03:31

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 16/01/2022 09:32

For the posters that are telling you he is an alcoholic, he is not.
He most assuredly is. On the occasions he chooses to get bladdered, his drinking his out of control. He is unable to prevent himself from drinking enough to get run over, or fall in a canal, or die of exposure passed out outdoors.

He is an alcoholic - as was your ex:

Inbetween these crazy nights often he would go for weeks without even having a beer so def not dependent on alcohol.
Talk to any alcohol counsellor.
They will tell you about alcoholics who can abstain. Who can do Dry January. Who rarely drink - but when they do, their dependency kicks in, & they have to drink to health-threatening excess.
They will even tell you about the alcoholics who go dry for a year - sometimes to do with rehab or a court order - who manage the abstention, but spend the entire year anticipating their next 'first' drink ...

People have some hackneyed ideas about how alcoholism presents, & it adds to the propensity for alcoholic denial. It's not necessary to drink every day, or to crave vodka at breakfast, to be an alcoholic.

TheFuckingDogs · 16/01/2022 10:05

It’s not ideal OP but it does sound like these incidents are few and far between. I would again make him realise how unhappy this latest debacle has made you and insist that next time there’s a night out with the boys planned he breaks the cycle and doesn’t disappoint you.
Personally if the rest of your life together is great I wouldn’t be LTB as mumsnet loves to tell people to do. It’s a rarity and it needs to become even more rare but not worth leaving an otherwise good relationship for

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/01/2022 11:13

@TheFuckingDogs

It’s not ideal OP but it does sound like these incidents are few and far between. I would again make him realise how unhappy this latest debacle has made you and insist that next time there’s a night out with the boys planned he breaks the cycle and doesn’t disappoint you. Personally if the rest of your life together is great I wouldn’t be LTB as mumsnet loves to tell people to do. It’s a rarity and it needs to become even more rare but not worth leaving an otherwise good relationship for

I predict a serious incident if he continues drinking and behaving in this manner. He's a man with a family, his behavior is irresponsible.

Catjs87 · 16/01/2022 11:36

Going against the consensus. Yabu and sounds like you do want to control him. He's not abusive that would be a different story but when hes letting his hair down when he's with friends id be more asking why he feels the need to do this sounds like its when he's let loose of your control. maybe seems that your idea of fun and his are completely different with him being 35 dirty sanchez etc I bet he watched i know quite a few guys his age that try to emulate it still when out they like to be the life and soul alot their wives and gfs control them its their way of taking it back they get on like the maggot.

DrSbaitso · 16/01/2022 11:43

@Catjs87

What?

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/01/2022 11:51

@Catjs87

ChristmasFluff · 16/01/2022 12:06

I would go further than just 'bringing it up'. I would make it plain that when he goes out, I am not picking him up. He makes his own way home. Then switch off your phone when you go to bed.

If he hurts himself - his own problem. If he pisses in the corner - he cleans it up. If he falls downstairs - his own problem. If he gets lost - he has to find his own way.

If you are out and he gets drunk - leave and also implement the above.

Because at the moment, he doesn't get any of the consequences of his actions.

But he is the one controlling you*. He gets pissed, and makes you sort him out. Oh, he may not say it, but he uses your own conscientiousness against you.

He keeps making these choices. Let him live the consequences of his choices fully.

And yes, it will be horrific - and that is why I would choose to end the relationship instead, unless he gave up alcohol completely.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 12:15

For the posters that are telling you he is an alcoholic, he is not. Although he does have a strange relationship with alcohol and it does have a profound effect on him.

He is. He is a man who sometimes cannot control his alcohol intake. A man who continues to drink to excess even though he has suffered some quite severe consequences when drunk and who laughs it off, doesn't see he has an issue.

Not all alcoholics are the same thought they do all share some of the same signs. So, if you REALLY want to be pedantic, he is an incipient alcoholic. But that doesn't change the issue or what he needs to do, or how OP should approach it.

It helps nobody to brush off the signs of alcoholism. It does help to recognise the signs and get help and support as soon as possible.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/01/2022 12:28

@ChristmasFluff

I would go further than just 'bringing it up'. I would make it plain that when he goes out, I am not picking him up. He makes his own way home. Then switch off your phone when you go to bed.

If he hurts himself - his own problem. If he pisses in the corner - he cleans it up. If he falls downstairs - his own problem. If he gets lost - he has to find his own way.

If you are out and he gets drunk - leave and also implement the above.

Because at the moment, he doesn't get any of the consequences of his actions.

But he is the one controlling you*. He gets pissed, and makes you sort him out. Oh, he may not say it, but he uses your own conscientiousness against you.

He keeps making these choices. Let him live the consequences of his choices fully.

And yes, it will be horrific - and that is why I would choose to end the relationship instead, unless he gave up alcohol completely.

Who the chuff wants to live with someone who's pissing, being sick or falling over when drunk in the home. I wouldn't tolerate it.

I used to run a club night, groups of drunks, singular drunks were not allowed in. Drunken antics upsetting the vibe and others enjoyment were made to leave and banned for life.

TheFuckingDogs · 16/01/2022 12:41

Hrpuffnstuff1 I predict that these incidents become less frequent as he heads towards 40 😃

I mean neither of us actually know do we but OP I would personally not be leaving g someone you love and who loves you over this. I would show him this thread though so he can see how serious it is to some people and how hurt you are by his actions

MONSTERSALAD · 16/01/2022 12:58

@Catjs87

What is 'the maggot'???

Also, I think 'You're being controlling because you don't want your adult partner behaving like a juvenile idiot from daft shows of the past' is a pretty poor argument.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 16/01/2022 13:01

@TheFuckingDogs

Hrpuffnstuff1 I predict that these incidents become less frequent as he heads towards 40 😃

Tbh now I'm older I couldn't be arsed dealing with that.

girlmom21 · 16/01/2022 13:32

@Catjs87

Going against the consensus because your response is ridiculous.

Not wanting to be worrying about whether your boyfriends going to wind up dead because he acts like a twat when he's drunk. Not wanting to be woken up and leaving the house in the early hours on a freezing night. Expecting a man to not be so drunk that he's pissing in the corner. None of that's controlling. That's expecting basic respect from your partner.

DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping · 16/01/2022 13:48

@ChargingBuck

For the posters that are telling you he is an alcoholic, he is not. He most assuredly is. On the occasions he chooses to get bladdered, his drinking his out of control. He is unable to prevent himself from drinking enough to get run over, or fall in a canal, or die of exposure passed out outdoors.

He is an alcoholic - as was your ex:

I’m afraid this is also a hackneyed idea, particularly in your use of the word alcoholic, which isn’t used by drug and alcohol professionals any more. Your post is actually a good example of why - everyone has different ideas of what constitutes an alcoholic (someone who drinks more than oneself, often!), and the term carries the weight of stigma, caricatured meaning (if they aren’t on a park bench at 8am drinking out of a bottle in a paper bag, etc) and ‘othering’ (“if I’m not that alky on a park bench/don’t drink in the morning/whatever, I can’t be an alcoholic”). What most people understand by ‘alcoholic’, is an alcohol-dependent drinker (ie one who would have withdrawal symptoms without alcohol, which the OP’s husband is not..

Alcohol misuse disorder is the current term, and I think we can all agree that @DrunkanSkunkan‘s husband has that. The question is, does he want to do anything about it? And if not, is the OP just going to put up with that?

Catjs87 · 16/01/2022 14:04

@girlmom21 so because I dont agree with the consensus my opinion is ridiculous 🤔 quite frankly that's bullying 😳

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 14:08

[quote Catjs87]@girlmom21 so because I dont agree with the consensus my opinion is ridiculous 🤔 quite frankly that's bullying 😳[/quote]
It's more I haven't a fucking clue what you meant by much of it. The wording of the last half is ridiculous.

If I knew what you were referring to, if I had the same ppints of reference, I might agree with you. But I don't. So you, dirty sanchez and the maggot remain elusive and sound a tad ridiculous! I expect others who have posted about that feel much the same.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 14:09

FUCKING HELL! I wish I hadn't looked that up!

That's gross and you have to be ridiculous to reference it!

girlmom21 · 16/01/2022 14:13

[quote Catjs87]@girlmom21 so because I dont agree with the consensus my opinion is ridiculous 🤔 quite frankly that's bullying 😳[/quote]
Tell me where she's controlling then.

Please look up the definition of bullying and the definition of controlling as you're misusing both words.

Catjs87 · 16/01/2022 14:26

Trying to change someone's behaviour is controlling and calling some1 ridiculous because they don't have the same opinion is a form of bullying coz the ridiculous is being used in a derogatory sense.

Catjs87 · 16/01/2022 14:45

I shouldve maybe said trying to change his behaviour to conform to what she thinks is satisfactory is controlling

MONSTERSALAD · 16/01/2022 15:51

@Catjs87

I shouldve maybe said trying to change his behaviour to conform to what she thinks is satisfactory is controlling

I don't think she's being controlling by telling her DP that his disgusting, immature, irresponsible drunken behaviour is unacceptable. By the same token, isn't he trying to control her by forcing his disgusting, immature, irresponsible drunken behaviour on her in the full knowledge that she loathes it?

PrincessNutella · 16/01/2022 16:02

This allowance for bizarre drunken behavior is an aspect of British culture I find completely incomprehensible. I think it is really destructive, wasteful, and unnecessary. There's a lot wrong in America, and yes, there's a lot of alcoholism in some places, too, but there's a certain cultural attitude I have experienced in the UK (and frequently here on Mumsnet) and rarely here that encourages alcoholic binges that I find really different. The willingness to play dingdong ditch, to piss, shit, vomit, etc. in front of other adults while drunk and to think it is ok is not part of my own current cultural experience, for instance. So if my partner did that, once, I would be out the door and over the damn hills in a New York second. And I would never, ever, ever be looking back.

BookFiend4Life · 16/01/2022 16:13

I looked up maggot and dirty Sanchez. Maggot is slang for really drunk in Australian. Idk what the other has to do with alcoholism but it's really gross and I wish I hadn't looked it up! I would be disgusted if my husband got drunk and did that.

TimeForTeaAndG · 16/01/2022 16:50

@BookFiend4Life

Dirty Sanchez was a TV show like Jackass but gross dares rather than just getting hurt.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/01/2022 16:52

That's not what the Urban Dictionary says it is!

Not that I suggest anyone goes and looks. It's disgusting!

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