To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

He needs to give up the alcohol. He can't be that 'mortified' or he would.

My husband could be like this…horrific binge drinking resulting in outcomes that affected everyone else. His parents completely endorsed the behaviour (god knows why), and like you say, it’s almost like my husband felt he had to live up to this weird reputation.

During lockdown, he would occasionally drink an obscene number of cans and then in the middle of the night, would get up, fall on me in bed from a height (he’s 6ft 3 and over 16 stone), switch all the lights on, and it was like he was in a possessed trance (I know that sounds ridiculous, but I can’t explain it any other way). I was genuinely scared at times.

We would consequently argue and it would wake the children up, which is so far from acceptable. I told him it HAD to stop or it was over and he finally conceded.

That being said, I still feel hurt that he chose to repeatedly behave like that knowing time and time again how much his selfish choices affected myself and the children, yet carried on regardless. If I put myself in his shoes, it makes me sad as I would never do that to him. It’s actually inconceivable.

Either way, I feel so sorry for you and I really hope you can enjoy the wedding and that he can change as he sounds great in all other ways.

@Cam2020

Similar story to *@IamtheDevilsAvocado*. I did this in my 20s and got over it in my 30s.

Never as dramatic as opening car doors or wandering off, but I'd fall over quite a bit and have lost my bag before and generally been in a very dangerous state. I worked in places with a heavy work hard/play hard ethos, so a lot of the time I was surrounded by people who did this and it was acceptable. A number of my other friends were also like this but we all sorted ourselves out and had families in our 30s.

From my own observations, I'd say it's often an unhealthy stress outlet and perhaps some dutch courage. I think it's important to pinpoint why it happens. My own was definitely poor stress management.

Similar, Cam. I was in an industry where there was always a do with free booze too, and like those around me I just didn't want to stop and was an arse a lot of the time.

I drink at home but haven't overdone it in public since having DC, and can't imagine it now. Couldn't face coming home to them in that state, or making a prat of myself in front of people I know. If I haven't had kids though I've no idea what it would have taken to grown up and see it isn't funny anymore.

Hope you get to your wedding, OP. As others have said you might have a better time if you leave him behind!

@Notimeforaname and the OP my Dad is the same. Except now he’s 80. This week he slipped over in the middle of the night trying to open some wine. His face is smashed up.

My mum in her mid 70s was on her hands and knees scrubbing blood out of the carpet when I went round.

If you don’t sort this now that’s going to be your future.

I feel you, OP.

My DH is the same but it was a bit harder to confront because he only got plastered a couple of times a year.

On those times he..

• got picked up by an ambulance because he was passed out cold in the street (I got a call from the hospital to pick him up at 2am after being frantic at home with a newborn)

• lost his wallet, had to replace everything

• lost his laptop bag with expensive laptop

• passed out in McDonald's in a foreign country, his drinking pal for the night had to call a random friend back home to let them know by scrolling through recent calls

• showed up for a friend's wedding after the ceremony had finished and halfway through the meal because he'd gotten carried away at a previous event

• need I go on?

The thing that INFURIATES me is this sense that he can go off carefree and do as he pleases because someone else (me) is picking up the pieces of his responsibilities, minding his children and so on.

When sober, he's a highly qualified and well-educated company director, excellent father, driven and switched on. He just cannot handle a night out.

I insisted he sort himself out so he went to a counsellor to help clarify triggers, goals and boundaries, and now his self-imposed hard limit is 2 drinks.

I still struggle with it and I wish he was abstinent. But it's his body/choice and he hasn't slipped up in a long time, plus it's nice to have one or two drinks together occasionally.

I wouldn’t put up with that. There’s nothing so unattractive as a drunk, so it would turn me off him instantly. In fact I would be repulsed by him.

Where was your dc when all this was happening? Its not good for them either

Read the OP! Ffs!

I think what other posters have said about his friends and living up to his 'role' sound quite likely. I also think growing up around people with drink problems warps your perception of what's normal. Do you think he'd be up for some counselling, OP? I think it sounds like he has some deeply buried issues that need to be addressed.

Hopefully the fact you rarely have cross words will make him see how serious this is.

You all need to get tough. No way on earth would I be going out at daft o’clock to pick up someone acting like an alcoholic teenager. He’s a danger to himself and others. Last year I knew someone like that who thought it was hilarious to get drunk and make a show of himself. He was found dead in the canal after falling in while drunk and unable to get out. He needs a reality check and fast this isn’t normal.

Yep, either get so angry he really sees you might leave or video an entire session of this shit.

It sound like it's something you put up with but it feels downright dangerous to me. Eg, the car could have lost control in one of the examples...

we never really have a crossed word or anything and even though I know eveyrhing I said was correct I already feel
Guilty for bringing it up

^ something is making you put up with this and it has nothing to do with him. You deserve better.

@Sosocold

You feel guilty for bringing it up? Sorry if this sounds harsh OP, but you need to do more than 'bring it up'. Serious and strong conversations need to be had. He needs to seek help for his drinking issue, he may well be mortified today (again) but its not going to stop him going out again in a few weeks time is it. You need to advocate for you and your son. No one else will. Hope you manage to enjoy today and are not too tired x

You need a decent therapist experienced in the treatment of addiction for you to unpick your own reactions and emotions.

You’re with a man who binge drinks, ignore the fact that it causes you enormous anxiety, puts himself in danger, puts others in danger (and trying to jump out of a car on a dual carriageway is endangering others) , puts you in danger dragging you out at night, MASSIVELY disrupting your life. And he’s doing it by choice. Just why you’re not giving him an ultimatum is probably worth exploring. You sound very caught up in his cycle of shame and soothing.

I would up his life insurance. He seems bent on killing himself

Sound likechis antics never leave far from the door of A&E. Had he fallen down thecstairs differently you could be there with him now with a fracture or worse a head injury.
He needs to see that his "fun" is very close the getting him seriously injured as he is unaware of himself or his actions in this state.
He needs to grow up and admit he has an issue with alcohol and you need to tell him how it worries you he might return homw with serious injuries or worse.
It's not fair on your or DC. He needs help!

Hope the wedding celebrations go ok.

I think he does have a problem! This sort of behaviour is often the case when you're in your 20s and still can't handle your booze. Really now your dh should know his limits. He knows he can't handle the alcohol yet still drinks for oblivion when he's out. How long until he really gets into serious trouble after one of these binges? It's a lack of respect to you that you have to pick up the pieces.

My sons best friend was like this. Not the stupid behaviour but wandering off when drunk and getting lost.
He was known for it. Was a standing joke that regularly friends had to hunt for"Mike" on a night out because the group had lost him.
Until one night when he wandered off, no one could find him and wasn't answering his phone.
He had wandered into a quiet back unlit road and been hit by a car. He was killed.
He was a lovely guy. Just a stupid bloody drunk. He was 23.
My son has never been drunk on a night out since.

I couldn't put up with what your dp is doing. I totally understand the anxiety you feel

This would really frustrate me. He's just playing up (consciously or not) to this reputation he has. But one day he's going to fall into water, or fall asleep in a cold garden and it won't be good for him - and no, the answer isn't that you should be looking out for him all the time. Sigh and commiserations.

Ugh, OP, what an unpleasant situation.

You know, I lived with an alcoholic for a few years - never again - and spent a lot of time thinking about how he and his mates managed to rationalise his behaviour to deny that he had a problem with alcohol. And how could I be sure that he did, if to them it was all just youthful hijinks?

My conclusion was that the extent of behaviour change b/w him sober and him drunk meant there really was a problem. I think the same applies to your partner, even if it doesn't happen often.

Thr problem is him not you and the best solution by far would be for him to stop drinking, full stop.

@DrunkanSkunken, you say you feel bad raising this, of course you do, you've been brought up with this. If your Dad is the same then you've watched your DM put up with this for years so think it's normal, man goes out, gets totally pissed, behaves like an arse, gets mildly told off but the wife/gf clears up his mess and it's brushed under the carpet until next time.
If there's no real consequences why would he stop?

This sort of binge drinking is a form of alcoholism. I think you are right that seeing your dad behave in the same appalling way has normalised it for you. It isn't normal.

Are you hoping to have children with this man?

@AnonyMum21

I think you sound lovely - but understandably fed up. And equally, he sounds lovely, just can’t handle his booze.

If he could stick to just a few drinks - and remain tipsy (like you describe the first night of that festival) that would be fine but getting so drunk that his behaviour is reckless, stupid, possibly dangerous and definitely annoying is not acceptable. And while his friends may have found it funny when he was young, surely that must be wearing off now you are all getting older?

The really good thing is that when he has sobered up he does seem to be ‘mortified’ about it. Hopefully that will mean he takes you seriously and will do something about the situation if you have a calm and rational talk about it. Whether that means he needs to stop drinking altogether or not depends on how he feels about limiting himself to just a few, or if he is prepared to even try that.

Maybe you could actually try drinking at home sometimes? Just the two of you having a few glasses of wine, or beer to get him used to the idea that alcohol can be consumed in moderation… (obvs when your DC not home, just in case). This is tricky (and maybe a controversial suggestion on here) because it sounds mad to encourage drinking but he doesn’t sound like an alcoholic - he just doesn’t know how to stop/slow down before it adversely affects his behaviour and judgement. It may that he just needs some practice?
Failing that - he needs to stop drinking.

I do suggest though that you don’t try and discuss it until you have calmed down, don’t try and bring it up while you are still cross and emotional. You are being very reasonable in your approach, and should not have to put up with this behaviour but I believe (from what you have said about him) that he will agree things need to change.

Good luck, and hope you can enjoy the wedding

This is an interesting approach actually. As it sounds like he doesn’t drink at all but when he does he lapses into “15 year old lad drinking for the first time ever” mode. Maybe some attempts to share a really nice bottle of wine and stop would help build a better more adult habit of drinking every now and again in moderation.

On the plus side, at least you know he is genuinely a nice guy as he isn’t nasty at all when completely wasted.

But just to reiterate no YANBU to be sick of this and have a chat about ways to change.

However, in general it sounds like the relationship is good and that he’s a nice guy. It would be good to find a solution that means he can occasionally go out but know his limits. It’s probably very “lad culture” with his mates. It would be interesting to monitor how he gets after just a couple of drinks.

I couldn't live with someone like that, no matter how lovely he is in the meantime. I'd be giving him an ultimatum of stop getting drunk or its over. I just couldn't deal with having a partner who acts like a teenager.

I think I'd be in short sharp shock mode today actually - I wouldn't be going to his friend's wedding today, and I'd be telling him and anyone else who asked very clearly that it's because he's an utter embarrassment who has had you up all night worrying about him because he has a drink problem. You're staying at home to recover.

He wouldn’t tolerate you doing it.

Yanbu sounds like an alcohol problem all right

@DrunkanSkunkan - I am sorry you are going through this. I am an "alcoholic" (I put in inverted commas as this term is not used by addiction specialists anymore - I would be diagnosed as an abuser of alcohol, not alcohol dependent). I am currently 20 days sober and intending to be so for the rest of my life.

I've done a lot of research to get to the root of my problem and I can see similarities with your DH. I too was a binge drinker when I abused alcohol (which is essentially what he is doing). The problem for alcohol abusers is that their subconscious mind is controlling their drinking - the subconscious makes up 95% of our brain and we are largely unaware of the messages it is sending us. His conscious mind knows the drinking to excess is out of order, but his subconscious is deriving some pleasure from it. This is why it is so hard for non-problem drinkers to understand why we problem drinkers do things that could harm us and cost us dearly. I too could have only one/two drinks then stop, go for weeks without drinking etc but then would go on a massive 3 - 4 day bender. You say there are alcohol issues in his family - his subconscious knows this and probably relates drinking with 'the done thing', being like his dad etc.

So you are right when you say there is no point in trying to speak to him when he is drinking and equally, depressingly, when he is sober he will agree to anything but once the drink takes hold, it's game over on the rational front. Although he is "only" doing this infrequently, I can almost guarantee it will get worse and the binges will become more frequent - this is the case for over 90% of problem drinkers. So he needs to take action now.

He needs to find a healthier way to blow off steam/let loose. I advise him to read or listen to the audiobook 'Alcohol Explained' by William Porter. It has been a game changer for me. Previous attempts at stopping left me feeling punished whereas now I feel rewarded by not drinking. The audiobook might be better as it has been shown that we remember around 20% of what we hear as opposed to 10% of what we read - this is why I got the audiobooks and I listen repeatedly on the bus, at the gym, when walking.

I know I am on AIBU and I will get a lot of flack from people who don't have an alcohol problem and think it's just a case of 'growing up' and that he is an adult who can control what he does - but addiction is sadly not that straightforward or else nobody would be addicted to anything. Nobody wakes up one day and goes: "right today I am going to become addicted to alcohol/drugs/gambling/eating/shopping/exercising and ruin my relationships, lose my job, lose my money and lose my self respect".

I hope you manage to have a good time at the wedding and that your DH takes the steps necessary to get this under control before it spirals completely out of control.