To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

I really feel for you, OP.

My ex-husband used to do this. Couldn’t just have a quiet drink to catch up with mates, it just turned into a Big Night Out every single time. He was nearly 40 by the time we split and still behaving like an 18-year-old arriving at Freshers Week for the first time.

Sometimes he’d go out for “a drink” and come home a day and a half later still wearing the same clothes with no memory of where he’d been, often clutching a bunch of cheap, nasty garage forecourt flowers he’d picked up on the way as he knew I wouldn’t be happy when he got home.

I used to feel so embarrassed that he would behave this way as he was often very sensible when sober (aside from the emotional abuse and rampant misogyny but that’s a story for another day) and held down a responsible job at the local council offices. I confided in a colleague once about these “benders” he got himself on and I’ll never forget her looking me dead in the eye and saying, “Harlequin, love, there’s 3 things that never lie - children, drunk people, and leggings”.

It was then I realised that the “drunk” version of my husband was who he really was and that he was able to keep up the facade of respectability when sober but the minute he had a drink he couldn’t keep the creature contained any more. His inhibitions would fall away with every drink until his true self was revealed.

Not long after this conversation, my husband’s grandfather died and we had to attend the funeral. What started as a drink to “toast his memory” ended up with my husband becoming absolutely bladdered on neat imported vodka (the legality of which I couldn’t ascertain), me getting up to leave, my husband kicking off, his 6’6” cousin looming over me and threatening to “give me a hiding” as his wife wouldn’t treat him like that so somebody obviously needed to “teach me a lesson”, my husband standing there doing absolutely nothing while his cousin threatened me with assault, before disappearing on a two-day bender.

After that, I was done. I just couldn’t do it anymore. We split 5 months later.

Sadly OP, your partner will never change. You’ll need to look long and hard at your relationship and whether you wish to continue it.

Also - presumably you’re now the designated driver this morning as he’ll still be over the limit?

Almost sounds life a form of coercive control from his friends. As in "get drunk and be the clown for us or you're not in our gang anymore " it's a form of abuse. He needs to realize these others are not friends at all. Friends wouldn't let you get in such a mess on a night out that it threatens your relationships with your partner.

He won't have it though at the beginning, he'll tell you they are nice guys etc.

They are not. Get him away from them asap.

Wake up, OP! He’s an alcoholic

Do alcoholics only drink a few times a year when out with friends ? I thought alcoholics spend a lot of time thinking about drinking and drinking a lot. This man doesn't. Hes just shit at handling his alcohol

But op, I dont think it would be controlling at all to give him an ultimatum.

If he drinks to that point again he has to leave. Whether that's for good or for a couple of nights.

As you say he seems to be doing it to impress his friends so he clearly knows how to control it, he just chooses not to at times.

My dad is like that. Doesn't drink a lot but when he's out he gets bladderd,falls, hurts himself, gets lost. It's even worse if my mums not there and hes just with friends.

Hes fallen down the stairs too and dislocated his shoulder. He's had black eyes,broken fingers I could go on. And he's in his 60.

Unless your partner really starts taking this seriously he'll be that 60 year old man falling around breaking bones. Nip this in the bud now.

@Notimeforaname

Wake up, OP! He’s an alcoholic

Do alcoholics only drink a few times a year when out with friends ? I thought alcoholics spend a lot of time thinking about drinking and drinking a lot. This man doesn't. Hes just shit at handling his alcohol

Either way he’s most definitely got an alcohol problem, if his drinking is affecting his life to this extent (health, relationship, relationships with neighbours… surprised he’s not ended up in the cells given what he’s been up to banging into cars a knocking on doors and being in public in such a state) its 100% safe to say that while he may not be dependant on alcohol, the fact that he can’t have a drink without taking it to the extreme is 100% the trademark of an alcoholic

It sounds like you are both lovely people and generally have a loving relationship where you support each other and share life's responsibilities.
I don't agree with PPs that a person's true character comes out when they are drunk - maybe the guard comes down after a couple of drinks and people are more honest, but when someone is completely shit-faced they're definitely not being their "true self". The guy who washes the car every Sunday is your DP and you sound very happy with him.
HOWEVER, this is an issue. DP is putting himself in danger, embarrassing himself massively and causing a nuisance to other people (your neighbours, the people whose doors he was knocking on...). Aside from all of that, you are worried out of your mind. I don't think you can tell him not to go out with his friends (he/they will find this controlling and it might backfire) but have you had conversations around his behaviour and the emotional distress it causes you both?
Personally I wouldn't give him an easy time and would keep on for days about his bender. Maybe mention it at the wedding a few times - if people ask about the cut on his head just butt in with "he doesn't know how he did it, he was so drunk!" and then laugh. He'll soon get the message!

From your last post it sounds like he knows there's a problem. If he wants to drink on a night out then he needs to recognise when he's at the tipping point and phone you to collect him. If he can't do that, then he needs to stop drinking. At some point it'll go to far although it sounds like it already does. One of dh friends is no longer welcome at ours. An increasing number of nights out were a case of dh having to get him out of trouble (doing stupid stuff, starting arguments), the final straw came when he made a pass at me. Dh was already sick of it, and dreaded him coming to visit. His friends will get to that stage as well. As the head injury shows he is at serious risk. On that note, keep an eye on him for a few days. Dh had concussion and it took a couple of days to really show (50yrs old, sober, off roading down a forest track. Yeah, daft but does have a 6 pack ). Until its sorted put a tracking app on his phone.

Is he awake for the wedding op?

I think you definitely need to have the final word today.

YANBU, there’s no way I could put up with that. He’s going to end up killing him self. Serious words needed OP. Hope the wedding is ok.

He can have a drink and not get drunk, there’s been loads of nights where he’s gone out, had a few drinks, taxi home and into bed so no issues just like I have. Or he’ll go the pub to watch the match with his friends and just have a lemonade or water, he doesn’t need to have a drink. But then it’s the nights that doesn’t happen and he does something stupid and not knowing whether it’s going be one of them nights puts me on pins.

@Notimeforaname my dad is also like that! Actually sounds like we have the same dad! He doesn’t drink the house but gets really drunk, he’s broken loads of bones, falls over all the time etc. It doesn’t bother my mum st all, she’ll just totally leave him to it, she would never go pick him up or anything he just has to make his own way home and get himself up a &e. I’ve never ever made the connection before but maybe me seeing my dad like this my whole life has conditioned me to it?

Luckily DS has never seen ANYONE drunk in his whole life although he did tell his teacher it’s always wine time in our house 🤣. I don’t even drink wine!

@Notimeforaname

Wake up, OP! He’s an alcoholic

Do alcoholics only drink a few times a year when out with friends ? I thought alcoholics spend a lot of time thinking about drinking and drinking a lot. This man doesn't. Hes just shit at handling his alcohol

Yes he’s not an alcoholic, but he does have an alcohol problem. I’d really struggle with this behaviour personally, and my husband is a person who has social anxiety and so tends to drink a lot when socialising (rarely) to lower his inhibitions. He’s never once behaved like your husband, though, the worst he’s got is uncontrollable giggling which is just fucking annoying, not dangerous. If he was doing things like your partner does, I’d have to talk about it, as it’s really not okay.

He needs to never drink again. It’s that simple.

He either stops, or he does it with zero involvement from you ( ie goes to a hotel or a mates and his phone is off)
He'll end up arrested or worse if he continues though.

Yeah he’s awake I woke him up.

He’s still really tipsy. I told him what happened and he’s apologised and said he doesn’t know why he gets in these states and he doesn’t know why he does the things he does. He laughed a bit when I said about playing the music and I said it’s not funny, it might be funny for you but it’s not for anyone else. I told him he’s going to seriously hurt himself one day and he has a family who loves him and is it worth breaking your neck falling down the stairs or pissing in the corner of your bedroom for the sake of a few drinks.

So we’ll see. He’s gone in the shower now, going get up myself snd have w coffee and put some makeup on and just see what today brings. But my heart is pounding, we never really have a crossed word or anything and even though I know eveyrhing I said was correct I already feel
Guilty for bringing it up

OP, someone can be a really great person, kind, fantastic, generous, genuinely lovely and dependable, but still have vices and problems. I definitely don’t think your partner is an arsehole. I think he doesn’t understand his limits and has a problem not stopping drinking before he reaches his limit, when he’s actually out drinking. Also, because he doesn’t do it often, he’s likely going “big” when he does, and that’s the problem. That and his friends and the role he plays around them.

I would just talk to him and explain very clearly how you really feel about it. And if (when) it happens again, be kind but not permissive. Be really clear that it’s definitely not ok with you. It might be enough to make him think twice in future, or start drinking zero beers when out with friends, or something like this.

You’re not being unreasonable.

He's not sorry if he's laughing.

Was it just a generic apology or was it an actual apology for getting you out of bed in the middle of a freezing winter night to go looking for him, for putting you in danger and for acting like a tosser?

I used to be like him. I didn’t see it as a problem for years and years. My partner never said anything. My friends thought it was funny and reassured me not to worry. But I hurt myself badly and put myself in dangerous situations and was occasionally rude to friends, difficult with people, overly friendly to inappropriate men. Two years ago I got wasted at a family party and massively embarrassed myself. My family live abroad so I don’t see them much. The next day my Mum went ape shit at me and told me all the home truths I needed to hear. She made me feel really guilty about my DD who hated me drinking by this stage too. So I stopped and it has been the best thing I have ever done. My life has changed so much for the better. I never drank regularly but I still had a problem and so does he. I recommend Club Soda as an online support group. Be very honest with him and hopefully he will thank you for it in the long run.

Don't feel guilty op. Point out to him that the stupid things teenagers do are not funny when it's a middle aged / grown man doing them.
He needs to understand the impact of his behaviour. Tell him how much you love & value him, but you've got to the point his behaviour is making you question the relationship. It doesn't need to be today, but you do need the conversation and he needs to grow up.
I'm in hospitality and come across similar personality types often. We refer to it as instant idiot - as in alcohol + 'Dave' = instant idiot.
He's putting himself at risk in many ways, he's vulnerable in that state and could piss off the wrong person/ people.

My friend had a similar issue, he was told that if he is going out drinking that he is to stay elsewhere, friends/hotel etc, seems to have worked.

I personally still wouldn't be ok with tbh though as that behaviour is potentially dangerous.

Your DP is "mortified" by his drunken behaviour and yet continues to choose to get drunk like this? I would not have any more time for this. He is CHOOSING this. He can make different choices if he wants.

I agree with this its not normal behavior for a grown man, you say he's been like this with alcohol since he first started drinking at 16, so thats 20 years where he hasn't modified his behaviour and attitude to drink. However there's nothing you can do to change him, this is his problem, and he knows he has a problem, he needs to fix it.

You feel guilty for bringing it up? Sorry if this sounds harsh OP, but you need to do more than 'bring it up'. Serious and strong conversations need to be had. He needs to seek help for his drinking issue, he may well be mortified today (again) but its not going to stop him going out again in a few weeks time is it.
You need to advocate for you and your son. No one else will.
Hope you manage to enjoy today and are not too tired x

My ex used to be like this. It was so scary on those occasions he got like that. It's like dealing with a totally different person isn't it. We all like a blow out from time to time but it's a hot knowing your limits.

Thankfully he's an ex now!

@SallyAnn32

My ex used to be like this. It was so scary on those occasions he got like that. It's like dealing with a totally different person isn't it. We all like a blow out from time to time but it's a hot knowing your limits.

Thankfully he's an ex now!

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