To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

This is not uncommon. Lots of good and functioning people cannot drink for this reason. It is alcohol dependency. It is a drink problem. I have been the partner op. He can get over it but he cannot drink in his life again. Alan Carr’s easy way to control alcohol is a good book as is joking a support group of people who have this particular drink issue. He has no control around alcohol. If friends think it is hilarious then maybe they need to grow up and look at their own issues. Best of luck to you both op it is solvable but sorry he can’t touch a drop again.

Ask him to take some time away from you to reflect on his behaviour as you don’t want to carry on if he behaves in such a completely idiotic way.

By collecting him at 3am you’re effectively enabling his behaviour. Had you left him he would’ve been fine “fine being arrested for being drunk and knocking on random doors, or found his way home”.

I enabled behaviour like this in previous relationships by thinking “if I don’t collect them or help them they might fall asleep in the cold and freeze to death”

Anyway. I left my ex after 2 years of this nonsense, it wasn’t worth it for me and honestly I am so relieved. It’s ok to do it once, maybe twice and deeply regret it. But to carry on shows you absolutely no respect.

• it is his fault you’re tired today
• I assume you have to drive today because he’s hungover
• you have anxiety about him because of him
• he prioritises his needs before yours
• he has little or no remorse
• he obviously has some form of addiction and underlying issues to want to drink that much (I speak as someone whose close relative went to rehab for addiction)

[quote Plutoisaplanet]@DrunkanSkunkan did you leave ds at home while you went to collect DH?[/quote]
@Plutoisaplanet and the others who’ve asked this question.

RTFT! Or at least the OP!

Also, so many erroneous statements about alcohol/ ‘alcoholics’ on this thread.

@TheWeeDonkey

Your DP is "mortified" by his drunken behaviour and yet continues to choose to get drunk like this? I would not have any more time for this. He is CHOOSING this. He can make different choices if he wants.

I agree with this its not normal behavior for a grown man, you say he's been like this with alcohol since he first started drinking at 16, so thats 20 years where he hasn't modified his behaviour and attitude to drink. However there's nothing you can do to change him, this is his problem, and he knows he has a problem, he needs to fix it.

Agree. I used to be this kind of drinker and u can assure you that what I was mortified about was people holding me to account instead of laughing off my drunken antics. I'd feel angry inside that they didn't just let it pass. He's not mortified or sorry, he's turning you what you want to hear, and he DOES have a massive drink problem. He needs to sort it out. I very rarely drink now, I never drink wine on a night out as I know it makes me crazy, and I have no more than 3-4 single measure long drinks ever. Her needs to take responsibility for this.

Show him your post and this thread, and tell him it's the last chance saloon. Man up or go.

My phone would have been on silent

And yes I would be in the car at 10.30am.
If he’s hungover/ tired/ still in bed. Whatever my day wouldn’t change because of his behaviour

That’s so unattractive

I worked with a woman whose husband felt he hadn't had a good night out of he could remember anything about it the next day. It seemed a horrible way to live to me and I was on the outside. I cannot imagine actually living it. I couldn't put up with this. It would cancel out all the other good stuff you have mentioned.

Exdh was like this ...............I was on eggshells every time he went out, it's a horrible way to live. He would be remorseful and "behave" for a while until the next time he fell off the wagon! In the end, I was sick of the embarrassment and scared of what would happen next...........

He could change, he has chosen not to. You need to decide if you can continue to live like this.

Bloody hell, he's going to end up seriously injured or dead if he's wandering around without a clue what he's doing! I'd be giving him his final chance that's for sure!

If you drink to the point that you can't control yourself, if you endanger yourself or other people, then you're an alcoholic. Doesn't matter if it's only occasionally. He needs to stop drinking until he can develop a more responsible attitude towards alcohol.

There are two ways of looking at this.

One is that he is, as you say, a lovely, sensible person who has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol: partly physical, in the sense he has an unusual reaction to it, partly psychological in that he has to be seen to be drinking, preferably to excess, with his mates. It's not his fault exactly; most of us can choose how much to drink and tell when we're getting over the comfort limit, and stop, but some can't. Someone mentioned drugs earlier: alcohol is a drug, which affects some more than others and in different ways.

The other is that he is Dr Jekyll who gives himself permission from time to time to be Mr Hyde, knowing that Muggins will pick up the pieces. All he has to do the next day is act mortified and he'll get away with it again.

I don't know which is the truth, though I lean towards the former. You may never find out. Either way, this is not about you being one of "those" women who won't let her partner off the leash to have a bit of fun, as I'm sure his friends would portray you. It's about him not being able to drink like a normal person, not because he's weak (which they may also imply) but because some people just can't.

Hi OP

I think you've been too soft on him! You've told him it's not on and not funny and not worth breaking his neck when sober. He knows you're not happy. But there are no consequences for his behaviour at all. I dont think that's enough to stop him doing it again. He will think you've forgotten about it in a couple of months as you've always done before.

It's absolutely not acceptable that he ever does this again. He is putting you through hell every couple of months. Every time he goes out you are out of your mind with worry, because of his behaviours he has a very high chance of getting seriously injured or attacked and it will be you that picks up the pieces. Your neighbours will start to hate you. At the very least it sounds like you can never enjoy a night out where you're both drinking in case it happens again.

I think you need to be saying you will leave and mean it unless he stops drinking or other recommendations you've had here (eg reads books people have mentioned).

Exh used to do this. He used to bring random things home with him too. Traffic cone, road works sign, once brought a girl home and as he was messing with the lock to get in, I opened the front door and he giggled oh.. I forgot we lived together.

He was working away once and had called me at half 8 on the Friday night to say they were going out for drinks. That's the last I heard from him until the Monday morning - after frantically calling his dead phone all weekend. The last thing he remembered he was entering a nightclub in a different part of the city to his hotel late on the Friday night, next thing he woke up in one of his colleagues room on the Monday morning with no memory of the last 2 days and still hungover.

Those are just a few instances of someone who could easily have their arm twisted to drink more than they knew they could tolerate, and didn't want to look like a wuss. Sounds like you've got one of them too.

Raise your standards op. You clearly articulate the issue extremely well so it's not like you are being fooled about the issues. This isn't the way to live especially as you have a child that you are responsible for who you bring into his life. How come he never does this when your ds is here? If he plans this, then he's obviously more calculating then you think. He can't be that wonderful if he sounds the complete opposite. I think you need to face up to it.

I’m sorry but I found myself laughing at your description of his shenanigans last night. There is no way I would be laughing if I had to live with the guy though and I think it’s time for you to sit him down and tell him exactly how bad he is when he’s had a drink and how stressed and anxious it makes you feel. And then take it from there. Hopefully he will be embarrassed and contrite enough to promise not to drink anymore, or at least cut right back on the amount of times he does so.

@rainbowstardrops

Bloody hell, he's going to end up seriously injured or dead if he's wandering around without a clue what he's doing! I'd be giving him his final chance that's for sure!

Nah, the unfortunates that happens to are usually the ones who barely drink, have got that drunk as a one-off and have never ever done it before.

Pricks like the one the OP is saddled with always seem to land on their feet, always have an anxious someone on standby that they know they can get to come to the rescue - and I don’t believe for a minute he has no clue what he’s doing.

As a PP has pointed out, he’s never done it when OP’s son is around.

It’s almost as if he knows exactly what he’s doing and what OP’s line in the sand might be, isn’t it?

Hi OP I hope you're safely on the way to the wedding now if you want to go.

Today isn't the day to bring it up, do it tomorrow when he'll be hungover and filled with regret (maybe). Before speaking to him you could write down a list of all the dangerous things he's done when he's drunk, and give it to him to read. Sometimes black and white is effective - seeing a long list is different to hearing someone repeat one.

You could tell him in great detail how you feel when he's out - what he's doing to you, in other words, as well as what he's doing to himself. The anxiety, the broken sleep, the constantly being "on pins" to hear where he is and what he's done to himself. Ask how he'd feel if you rang him up in the small hours unsure where you were, knocking on random strangers' doors.

You could tell him about your awful griping fear that he'll die or be seriously injured and leave you (effectively) a widow, your child without his stepfather, his own parents without their beloved son. If he denies this is possible, show him the list again.

Don't flinch and don't be embarrassed about saying these things, or guilty. You're literally only doing it because you love him. (If it was Juan from down the road doing it you wouldn't care.)

Then have an action point - what do you want him to agree to? A set number of drinks on a night out? Home by X time? A set period of sobriety as others on here have said? You'll likely feel really uncomfortable doing any of these, but which of them would make you feel most "relaxed"?

This used to be me!
It has to come from him though I am afraid. I have a very respectful nhs job and people are shocked to ever hear of my previous behaviour. On the outside I would appear happy, confident, sociable etc. But sometimes, the self destruct drinker would appear and I had no control over her, even though I convinced myself for ages I did- saying it would be my mood, certain people, situations etc that would effect my outcome. Even the risk to my health ( fell down many stairs, had drink induced seizures, and even ended up in a&e surrounded by colleagues) was not enough to stop me. Loved ones would beg me go stop but I couldn't. I could go months without this but then would feel mortified after waking up and hearing what id done and the feeling of self disgust. Those friends are not real friends.... I learnt that the hard way. I hit rock bottom personally- my partner left me, family breakdown, job was in jeopardy( and I could not see the link between it all was me at the time) But I did fix up because or was either that or fall completly. You are partially enabling him.... sorry, but if he won't do it for himself then he needs an ultimatum- a real one. He needs to stop drinking for a year at least to remain in your life..... a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things..... if he can so this- he will also gain some self worth and stop this destructive behaviour. good luck to you both xx

This is bringing back strong memories of a former relationship, I broke up with him in the end for several things but one of the central ones was the fact that he'd call me in the small hours after a night out saying things like "I'm lying face down in the street." He wouldn't know which street or even which town. I didn't have a car and we lived some distance apart so I just had to keep trying to work out where he was and/or wait to hear from him, to find out if he'd actually survived the night. It was fucking terrifying.

OP,

You sound like a nice woman with really low standards.

You heard what he's like from his friends and you carried on.

You keep mentioning he isn't in your DS's life, but he is.

You are in a relationship with a moron who can't handle alcohol and has alcohol issues.

Why are your standards so low?

He's not embarrassed, he doesn't care.

If he WAS embarrassed and really CARED, he wouldn't behave like this.

He thinks he can laugh and find his awful behaviour funny because your standards are so low and you also think this behaviour is acceptable in a home you share with your child, even if he isn't there.

A good woman and mother wouldn't tolerate this behaviour NEAR her home every 6 weeks.

She would realise it is scuumy, selfish, irresponsible behaviour and wouldn't want anyone so moronic NEAR her life.

He doesn't give a shit about you or your neighbours, he's just another selfish drunk.

Stop focusing on HIM and focus on why you think this is acceptable behaviour in a home that you share with your child.

I can only imagine what your neighbours think of you accepting this behaviour into your home.

Raise your bar.

These people aren't his friends.

He needs to sort himself out. If he gets pissed at the wedding, video him with your mobile phone so he can see exactly how much of an embarrassment he is.

Luckily DS has never seen ANYONE drunk in his whole life although he did tell his teacher it’s always wine time in our house 🤣. I don’t even drink wine!

It’s really not funny. I think you’re kidding yourself if you think DS hasn’t picked on it.

@DrunkanSkunkan

Yeah he’s awake I woke him up.

He’s still really tipsy. I told him what happened and he’s apologised and said he doesn’t know why he gets in these states and he doesn’t know why he does the things he does. He laughed a bit when I said about playing the music and I said it’s not funny, it might be funny for you but it’s not for anyone else. I told him he’s going to seriously hurt himself one day and he has a family who loves him and is it worth breaking your neck falling down the stairs or pissing in the corner of your bedroom for the sake of a few drinks.

So we’ll see. He’s gone in the shower now, going get up myself snd have w coffee and put some makeup on and just see what today brings. But my heart is pounding, we never really have a crossed word or anything and even though I know eveyrhing I said was correct I already feel
Guilty for bringing it up

But you haven’t even said a cross word?

If anything, you’ve been too passive.

Is that it? Was that you making it clear you’ve had enough?

I bet he knows he’s got away with it.

@DrunkanSkunkan

It IS difficult. I know it’s easy to look at what I’ve written and be kind of like god what a prick. And I hate threads on here when someone’s like my husband kicks the dog and locks the kids in the shed snd slept with my sister BUT he does all the cooking and washes the car on a Sunday so he’s amazing in that way so I don’t want to come across that way but genuinely he is such a good man. So supportive, ive just been through a really hard few years and now my family is going through difficult times with illness and things and he’s a rock. He couldn’t be more supportive. He’s kind and caring and makes me laugh like a drain. Good job, sensible with money, excellent with ds, basically everything I could want. And he’s my best mate.

But I think again in a way this clouds everything because the next day after something has happened so eg him running off, the next day when the anger edges im thinking well thank god we found him, at least he’s ok that’s all that matterS. But it isn’t all that matters and it’s not ok. I know that deep down

This post is basically just convincing yourself to stay. Best mate my arse.