To think DP is taking the piss now?

[DrunkanSkunkan]

Been with my DP for 6 years, live together. I have a 8 year old ds.

Dp has always had a reputation for doing stupid things when he’s had a drink. The first time I met his friends years ago they all took great delight in telling me all stories of stupid things he’s done and what entertainment he is when he’s had a drink. Some of these are from when he’s about 15/16 so basically from when he first tried alcohol.

Dp is 35, has a very responsible job, is kind, loving, dependable, funny… basically a lovely man, everyone likes him, day to day he’s a good guy. He doesn’t drink the house at all and goes out out maybe every 6/7 weeks. So not every night or weekend or anything like that. But when he’s had a drink he’s a TOTALLY different person. He takes it too far. He’s not aggressive or anything like that, he just acts like a total idiot and does ridiculous things. He can not be reasoned with, he will do things like run into the road, play music at full volume, put his wallet/phone in the bin, run away… just weird annoying things that are really annoying. He will disappear and be found asleep in the toilets or something. I find it SO irritating. He falls over a lot when drunk as well and has broken his wrist previously. But as I say he only goes out now and again, he’s a grown adult and my ds isn’t at home when this happens as he is at his own df’s for the night/weekend.

Tonight he has gone out. We are going to a wedding tomorrow and have to leave at 10.30. He was invited out with a group of men he hasn’t seen since prelockdown, I have no issue with him going out if he wants to be hungover for the wedding so be it, not my problem. Wave him off, order takeaway/watch a film and in bed asleep by 10. Bliss. 2am I’m awoken by a phone call from him telling me he’s walking home and he’s round the corner. It’s -3 outside and he only has a think coat on so I tell
Him to hurry home. 2.20 he’s still not here so I ring him again and he states he has no idea where he is, he’s lost on an estate?? I can hear him KNOCKING on doors, at 2.20!!!!!! I tell him to stop knocking on doors and to tell me where he is, he doesn’t know but eventually manages to send me a pin. He’s 3 miles away on the middle of a new build estate. So i go to pick him up.

He gets in the car and he’s got music playing out of his phone full blast. We drive home and I ask him to turn it off, after much back and forth he switches it off. We go through the gate and he starts opening and closing it really fast so it’s banging, I tell him to stop it and get inside because of the neighbours. Once inside in the light I can see a big cut on his forehead, not sure what’s happened there. Manège to get him up to bed and he’s talking really loud, almost shouting about his night. We live in a terraced house so he’s probably already woken the neighbours so I tell him to be quiet. He then decides he needs a drink, goes to go down stairs and FALLS down the stairs. I check he’s ok (he got up straight away), he’s fine. He’s now in bed and snoring next to me. We’ve got to be up at 7.30 for the wedding.

I love him. This kind of thing happens I’d say 50% of the times he goes out. In December he went to his works do, he’s worked there for 6 years but for different reasons this is the first Christmas do he’s been on. They had to ring me to fetch him because he was so drunk. I picked him up and on the way home he tried to open the car door on the dual carriageway 😢. The next day he was mortified. Behaviour like this happens id say 50% of the times he/we go out. His friends think it’s hilarious. His brother and dad have alcohol issues and I think he has too, not dependency or anything like that but I think he feels he HAS to drink like this on nights out either because he has low confidence or he feels he has something to live up to. If you met him on a normal day you would be shocked as to what he was like drunk as he’s so serious and dependable.

Anyway this is so long and very incoherent. I’m going to speak to him in the morning about how I can’t keep doing this. My anxiety goes through the roof. I have no issues in picking him up, he picks me up when I go out and I’d always rather fetch him then have him walking home in -3 degrees but once again he’s gone out and once again he’s not known his limits. I don’t want to come across as controlling but I need to lay down a line. It’s 3.30 am and I’m lying here wide awake feeling embarrassed about what the neighbours must think

Don't feel guilty, this is for his safety.

@Mummadeze

I used to be like him. I didn’t see it as a problem for years and years. My partner never said anything. My friends thought it was funny and reassured me not to worry. But I hurt myself badly and put myself in dangerous situations and was occasionally rude to friends, difficult with people, overly friendly to inappropriate men. Two years ago I got wasted at a family party and massively embarrassed myself. My family live abroad so I don’t see them much. The next day my Mum went ape shit at me and told me all the home truths I needed to hear. She made me feel really guilty about my DD who hated me drinking by this stage too. So I stopped and it has been the best thing I have ever done. My life has changed so much for the better. I never drank regularly but I still had a problem and so does he. I recommend Club Soda as an online support group. Be very honest with him and hopefully he will thank you for it in the long run.

Thank you @Mummadeze that was a really helpful post.

Learn some psychology tricks to make him not do what you dislike. He should begin to see the outcome of his actions aren't worth doing the action in the first place.

Where was your dc when all this was happening? Its not good for them either

@DrunkanSkunkan

He can have a drink and not get drunk, there’s been loads of nights where he’s gone out, had a few drinks, taxi home and into bed so no issues just like I have. Or he’ll go the pub to watch the match with his friends and just have a lemonade or water, he doesn’t need to have a drink. But then it’s the nights that doesn’t happen and he does something stupid and not knowing whether it’s going be one of them nights puts me on pins.

@Notimeforaname my dad is also like that! Actually sounds like we have the same dad! He doesn’t drink the house but gets really drunk, he’s broken loads of bones, falls over all the time etc. It doesn’t bother my mum st all, she’ll just totally leave him to it, she would never go pick him up or anything he just has to make his own way home and get himself up a &e. I’ve never ever made the connection before but maybe me seeing my dad like this my whole life has conditioned me to it?

Luckily DS has never seen ANYONE drunk in his whole life although he did tell his teacher it’s always wine time in our house 🤣. I don’t even drink wine!

Is there something different about the "big" nights? A different friend or something?

I think it's telling that you never really have cross words and you feel so guilty for bringing this up now, but on the other hand you are seriously questioning your relationship with DP and are (quite rightly) feeling highly anxious on a regular basis. You need to communicate your feelings to him fully and relentlessly until you are confident that he understands. It sounds like he already knows there is a problem with his behaviour, but not necessarily how it is making you feel. When he fully understands that, it might well be the tipping point.
Good luck OP - it sounds like you worry about confrontation but please set that aside, nip this in the bud and enjoy many many more years with a DP that knows the consequences of his actions.

My mums husband is a lot like this

She gives him a hard time when he behaves like this (quite rightly so I think) but it always happens again. In all other respects he is a wonderful person though.

I hate it when he drinks because he acts like such a moron

Good luck, I hope you have success with him

I'm sure, like many people who can't handle alcohol, he's very nice when he's off it and that you love him. But he clearly has a misuse issue of sorts - possibly not an adduction but definitely a problem - and he won't sort it out unless HE wants to.

It doesn't sound like he does. So I think you have to assume that this is who he is and how he'll be for the foreseeable, and make decisions based on that knowledge. Perhaps losing you for a period will help the idiot see what really matters.

@Notwithittoday

Where was your dc when all this was happening? Its not good for them either

The DS is not in the house. Honestly, just read the OP's posts

You have alot more patience than me.
l couldn't be doing with it, definately not at his age.
Because you have kind of gone along with it this far, its going to be hard to put up new boundaries. l have a 20 yr old son who has come home drunk a few times, but nothing like this.
This is very extreme behaviour. He needs to seek help and go and talk to a proffesional about it, for both your benefits.

Agree with PP - you absolutely shouldn't feel guilty bringing it up, you were MASSIVELY inconvenienced last night and have every right to air your disgruntlement!

I had similar with my DP (but nowhere near as bad as yours), but only if he went out with one particular friend. So I told him that in future, he could find somewhere else to stay after a session with that friend. CBA with it.

I do also agree that there is a wind-up performing monkey aspect to it, with the friends egging the hapless drunk on for their own amusement.

Honestly would have gone out and left him to go to the wedding by himself. My DH was verbally abusive to me (at a wedding) about a month after we were married because he drank so much his personality changed entirely. I left him in the hotel room and drove home by myself. He had to get a lift home with mutual friends and explain why. I told him when I answered the door that he had two choices… Sobriety for at least one year, counselling and full accountability (including telling all his friends about why he wasn’t drinking alcohol for a year) or Divorce. To break it down, Sobriety or a solicitor - because I didn’t marry that, and I would rather be single and safe and happy than married and miserable and frightened.
We’re still married.

DrunkanSkunkan

Sounds like we have the same mum too 🤣 Once when he'd fallen down the stairs she walked out of her room, asked if he was alive, he mumbled and she went straight back to bed.

But I'd lay there feeling anxious expecting him to fall to his death.

OP it obviously causes you more anxiety and bothers you more than it does our mums. He has to take your feelings into account.

He can control it other times so he definitely has the ability to. He just really needs to do it now or he will forever be that man.

His friends are also immature swines if they actively encourage this.

Oh, and have you ever filmed him being a drunken twat? That very much helped my DP to see the error of his ways.

You were told clearly by how friends at the beginning what he was like.

You’ve put up with 6 years of this, you’ve “brought it up”, “had a word” etc etc and he claims to be mortified, won’t happen again, blah blah blah

*posted too soon

… but it does happen again.

I think you have to accept this is how he is. He’s not going to change. So you either accept this, or you make the change.

@HeyBlaby

My friend had a similar issue, he was told that if he is going out drinking that he is to stay elsewhere, friends/hotel etc, seems to have worked.

I personally still wouldn't be ok with tbh though as that behaviour is potentially dangerous.

If it were me, I would just lie awake all night wondering if DP made it to the hotel and then be tired and angry anyway. OP - do you have a good relationship with any of DP's friends who are out with him? Maybe you could have an agreement with them that they cause the mess do they can clean up? When DP calls at 3am, you just call one if his friends and get them to deal with it? They won't egg him on half as much when he becomes their problem!

YANBU at all.

I hope you’re using really good contraception.

He has a serious problem with alcohol and he needs to consider if he should stop drinking it all together. It isnt normal to get like this and even if he is mortified it is so so unfair on you.

@Justilou1

Honestly would have gone out and left him to go to the wedding by himself. My DH was verbally abusive to me (at a wedding) about a month after we were married because he drank so much his personality changed entirely. I left him in the hotel room and drove home by myself. He had to get a lift home with mutual friends and explain why. I told him when I answered the door that he had two choices… Sobriety for at least one year, counselling and full accountability (including telling all his friends about why he wasn’t drinking alcohol for a year) or Divorce. To break it down, Sobriety or a solicitor - because I didn’t marry that, and I would rather be single and safe and happy than married and miserable and frightened. We’re still married.

I love your style

Some people are unable to process alcohol in the same way as others and certain cultures get drunk far quicker than others due to genetics. I wonder if your DP just keeps up with everyone else drinking and simply can't cope with it?
He needs to seek help and stop going out or there can't be a future for you. If he refuses therapy or goes out again he is putting alcohol above your marriage.

This is embarrassing behaviour from a grown man. You sound very understanding considering that you're the one who has to go pick him up and save him from these stupid situations.

I have done some pretty daft and dangerous things when drunk. Once I realised I couldn't trust myself to behave sensibly after a certain point I changed my drinking habits. The turning point for me was knowing I'd upset my dh and kids. It sounds like your dh has gone past this point yet he still continues to repeat the same patterns.

I think you have to be firm here. Tell him you're sick of it. It's pathetic, immature behaviour that could land him in a lot of trouble and you won't tolerate it anymore. Going out on the last every 6 weeks is also quite a lot when you're having to deal with this. It must make you really anxious. Speak to him seriously and see what his attitude is like.

I would also tell him he’s going to the wedding today alone.

He never had any actual consequences after one of these benders does he.

I’d be livid OP, can you go to the wedding without him and leave him to find his own way there?

He sounds a bit like my DH TBH. Before we were married DH used to get drunk & act irresponsibly when he went out with friends. It didn't happen very often , & back then he didn't have a mobile phone, but he'd turn up home or I'd spot him when we were out at a party & he'd be shockingly drunk, mildly injured from falling, covered in mud (or worse), clothes ripped etc. Sometimes I suspected other drugs were involved as well - cannabis, ecstasy etc. I had to deal with the consequences every time as I wasn't prepared to have him in bed with me, stinking of mud, vomit, booze etc. It was grim. But in between he was lovely. I stopped going to the parties as I didn't like the people. I got sick of it, told him I wasn't prepared to marry him & potentially have children with him only to watch him circling the drain as the drinking binges got worse & more frequent, the injuries worse. I told him he had to be absolutely sober for a year or I'd leave, & he actually managed it. We've been married for over a decade, he does drink these days but only a couple of beers, occasionally whisky when he gets it as a present. He's never actually got drunk again as he does recognise that he's an irresponsible drunk. He knows I wouldn't stand for it, my father is an alcoholic & it ruined my childhood & my parents marriage.

I'd put my foot down OP. Hard. And definitely don't have children with this man if he carries on like this. He may not be an alcoholic in the conventional sense, but he's certainly got a problem with alcohol, & he's making it your problem too.

There’s no way I would have gone to pick him up.
I’d have a chat with him and tell him if this ever happens again you want no part in it and you can’t enable his drunken binges any longer. He has a toxic relationship with alcohol and it sounds like you’re both in denial about that. Just because he doesn’t drink at home, just because otherwise he’s a good guy, just because he only does it every few weeks - doesn’t make it not a problem.