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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want his mum as my FB friend?

187 replies

PossiblyDreaming · 14/01/2022 19:08

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re both divorced with kids of our own and live separately. No plans to move in together, I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I never want to live or become financially entangled with another man, ever. We see each other most weekends and have a great time together. He’s met my kids, I’ve met his, we’ve all been on holiday together and I’ve also been on holiday with just him a few times too.

I’ve met his parents 3/4 times. They’re perfectly nice but not people that I would willingly choose to spend time with. I spent years trying to cultivate a friendly relationship with my ex pil’s despite them only just tolerating me and me just about tolerating them. Now, whenever I’m with boyfriend and his mum phones (she tends to phone most Sundays so I’m often there too) she’ll ask boyfriend to hand the phone to me for a chat. I will make perfectly polite conversation with her and hand the phone back. I told boyfriend I don’t really like it though so he now generally tells her that I’m out of the m or busy so I can get out of it.

Boyfriend went to stay with his parents last week and his mum was apparently feeling a bit down. She said she feels a bit excluded from her kids lives - boyfriend lives about a 3 hour drive away from her, her other son lives abroad and asked if she could have my number as she’d love a girly friend to chat to about her wonderful son and feels that we don’t have an “emotional connection” yet. Thankfully boyfriend gave a resounding “no” and thought that was that.

A couple of days ago I get a friend request from her on Facebook along with a 7 paragraph message about how she’d love to be closer to me and get to know the woman that her eldest son is in love with. I had a look at her profile and it looks like she is pretty obsessive with Facebook - commenting on every single post of her friends, asking questions about the posts and then following up within a couple of hours asking why they hadn’t got back to her etc. etc. I haven’t confirmed the request yet. I told boyfriend about it and he suggested that I just add her or she’ll be upset and pretend I don’t use Facebook/ see her posts but it’s obvious that I do and I don’t want to deliberately ignore her.

But, I just cannot be arsed with dealing with more people wanting things from me. I work, I have 2dc who are both pretty hard work in themselves, I have my elderly mum who is constantly getting lost/ falling over/ causing trouble and yet is point blank refusing to consider any extra help. I have an ex husband who is still causing me no end of grief. I have a best friend who is currently going through absolute hell and I just do not want any more people to take up my time. I know it’s selfish but I don’t care.

OP posts:
Sportslady44 · 14/01/2022 19:14

Just add her and stop moaning. Be glad she us nice and wants to get to know you.

You can never have too many people that like you.

Fraine · 14/01/2022 19:17

It's a tough one. I deleted Facebook as it was a waste of time and my friends and family are well trained not to expect long texts from me or a response within 3 days unless urgent

If it was me (and so as not to burn bridges in case she is a MIL one day), I would accept her request but compartmentalise her A LOT. So create group of people you allow to see your posts, and make sure she's not in it. She need never see anything you post.

I think I had all my contacts divided into at least 4 groups.

But YANBU to handle it as best as you see fit, only you know her.

MimiSunshine · 14/01/2022 19:17

I would add her but put her on limited view and when she asks or comments day you don’t do Facebook much

Cherrysoup · 14/01/2022 19:18

Dear god, no. Just tell your bf you aren’t interested. Why on earth would you want her on your fb?!

Grendalsmum · 14/01/2022 19:18

Sounds better than the other way round! Just add her, say you don't use it much and crack on with life ...

LondonQueen · 14/01/2022 19:19

I would add her, don't take her kindness for granted, a lot of people have strained relationships with MIL's.

APerfectSky · 14/01/2022 19:19

Yeah, what Sportslady said...

I'd just add her, she'll comment on your posts and like them, but you don't have to reciprocate to the same extent, I don't with my mother in law (who is perfectly lovely, but far more active on Facebook then I am).

It's nice that she wants to include you and see you as a family member. When you've had a horrible experience with the previous in law's, I would have thought it would make a nice change?

But if you don't want to fine, but it doesn't reflect well on you tbh.

titchy · 14/01/2022 19:20

@Sportslady44

Just add her and stop moaning. Be glad she us nice and wants to get to know you.

You can never have too many people that like you.

Hmm

Entirely agree OP - good for you keeping your boundaries.

I'd do a quick reply 'Hi Sally. Just to let you know I am keeping my SM contacts and activity to a minimum so won't be adding you - nothing personal! Hope you're well. All the best'

IncompleteSenten · 14/01/2022 19:20

You don't have to put everyone else's wants above your own needs in order to be 'nice'.

A woman does not have a duty to Be Nice aka doormat.

You don't want to be friends with her. That's fine. You can already see that she would become a royal pain in the arse. There is nothing wrong with going with a level of contact that you want.

In your shoes I'd lock down my profile, make it so nobody can friend request you and ignore it.

Watchingpeppa12 · 14/01/2022 19:21

Maybe we can swap mils ? She sounds lovely

BackBackBack · 14/01/2022 19:21

I'd friend her but warn her you don't do much on FB and then restrict her view so that you can control how much she sees.

I think it's worth trying to cultivate a relationship with her - she sounds lonely and whilst she might not be an obvious choice for a friend, if you can have a good relationship with your MIL then why not give it a go?

shouldistop · 14/01/2022 19:26

Pp are referring to the woman as ops MIL but she isn't. Op hasn't chosen to marry into her family and stated in her op that she doesn't intend to ever even live with her boyfriend so it's not a MIL relationship at all.
Op if you wanted to keep the peace then you could put her on restricted view.
Or you could block her and pretend you've deleted your Facebook. Reply to her message saying that you're actually just about to come off Facebook.

Sportslady44 · 14/01/2022 19:26

Soon be moaning if she wasn't nice. What's wrong with people. One of your children might get a partner one day. Would you like it if you requested them as a fb friend and they ignored you etc.

Branleuse · 14/01/2022 19:31

Put her on restricted profile so she can see basic stuff like the odd pic, but not the opinions and articles. Also dont reply to her messenger messages. Pretend you dont know how it works

Nomoreusernames1244 · 14/01/2022 19:31

To me she sounds like one of these women who wanted daughters, got sons, and now wants to do all the “girly” shit with you.

Probably a bit of a leap but the girly phone calls would ring huge alarm bells for me.

I’d probably put her on restricted profile or leave her hanging and say I don’t use it much.

ParkheadParadise · 14/01/2022 19:33

Just add her.
My Mil sent friends requests to all 5 of my siblings and several of my nieces.
😄😄😄
She Comments on ALL their posts. If they put any photos on of dd they take bets on how long before she comments my beautiful Granddaughter.

WildWombat · 14/01/2022 19:36

Sounds like she only has the two sons and no daughters? Like you I would be wary of getting into a situation where she has expectations of you being 'the daughter she never had' whatever form that may take. I'd ignore the FB request until she asks outright whether you got it, and then breezily say you hardly check FB so must have missed it, and it's not the best way to keep in touch with you as you hardly use it. At least with a mobile number you can ignore/block if you don't want to answer at any point.

JDaytona · 14/01/2022 19:37

Argh, girly chats. 🤨

I'm with you op. I'm happy being politely friendly with mil but definitely don't want to be having cozy phone chats - I don't like long phone chats with anyone.

I'd add her but on restricted so she can't see most of my posts. I'd probably allow her to see the odd photo.

TheNinny · 14/01/2022 19:42

Don’t add her but I’d be prepared for her to be hurt/start disliking you. You said you your previous ILs only tolerated you and vice versa. This could be the outcome again. I have an MIL I can’t stand on occasions but still added her on fb. Fb is only a big deal if you let it be. You could always ‘unfollow’ her so you don’t see her posts etc unless you go to her page directly. I can see how it’d be annoying if she msgs etc though. Just say your busy and take ages to respond. 🤷‍♀️ It’s up to you but personally I don’t think it’s unreasonable she’s added you considering you have been dating her son 2yrs + and have met her several times and got on ok. 3 hours is quite a distance and she probably doesn’t feel properly part of her sons life and is trying to remedy that. I have distant relatives and fb is a nice way to keep up without being intrusive, though you may feel different on that.

Sportslady44 · 14/01/2022 19:43

@WildWombat

Sounds like she only has the two sons and no daughters? Like you I would be wary of getting into a situation where she has expectations of you being 'the daughter she never had' whatever form that may take. I'd ignore the FB request until she asks outright whether you got it, and then breezily say you hardly check FB so must have missed it, and it's not the best way to keep in touch with you as you hardly use it. At least with a mobile number you can ignore/block if you don't want to answer at any point.
She will just see through that and know your a liar.
titchy · 14/01/2022 19:43

@Sportslady44

Soon be moaning if she wasn't nice. What's wrong with people. One of your children might get a partner one day. Would you like it if you requested them as a fb friend and they ignored you etc.
OP isn't a partner though, and unlikely to become one. It's her boyfriend. Their lives are separate.
Sportslady44 · 14/01/2022 19:45

@ParkheadParadise

Just add her. My Mil sent friends requests to all 5 of my siblings and several of my nieces. 😄😄😄 She Comments on ALL their posts. If they put any photos on of dd they take bets on how long before she comments my beautiful Granddaughter.
Yes and if she didn't there would be a post on here saying grandmother never comments on our posts on FB.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/01/2022 19:45

I understand your reasons for not wanting to friend her.

But in all honesty, most people spend time or do things for or with their in laws for their partners sake, and if you can't then if I was him I'd be pissed off you couldn't make an effort to get on with my family.

I get you're busy, but if you're too busy for facebook then just accept her and tell her you aren't active on it much.

It comes across though like you are active on Facebook for people you like and you can't be arsed with her.

ANameChangeAgain · 14/01/2022 19:48

It makes me laugh, men I know who are on FB and won't accept friend requests from family or friends and everyone laughs. A woman has similar boundaries and she is seen as cold.

Blanca87 · 14/01/2022 19:49

Nah fuck that, listen to your boundaries and put them in place . You do not need to accept her friends request, tell the bf that he can say to his mum you don’t use it that often. End of.
Don’t be forced into something you don’t want to do. ❤️