To not want his mum as my FB friend?

[PossiblyDreaming]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re both divorced with kids of our own and live separately. No plans to move in together, I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I never want to live or become financially entangled with another man, ever. We see each other most weekends and have a great time together. He’s met my kids, I’ve met his, we’ve all been on holiday together and I’ve also been on holiday with just him a few times too.

I’ve met his parents 3/4 times. They’re perfectly nice but not people that I would willingly choose to spend time with. I spent years trying to cultivate a friendly relationship with my ex pil’s despite them only just tolerating me and me just about tolerating them. Now, whenever I’m with boyfriend and his mum phones (she tends to phone most Sundays so I’m often there too) she’ll ask boyfriend to hand the phone to me for a chat. I will make perfectly polite conversation with her and hand the phone back. I told boyfriend I don’t really like it though so he now generally tells her that I’m out of the m or busy so I can get out of it.

Boyfriend went to stay with his parents last week and his mum was apparently feeling a bit down. She said she feels a bit excluded from her kids lives - boyfriend lives about a 3 hour drive away from her, her other son lives abroad and asked if she could have my number as she’d love a girly friend to chat to about her wonderful son and feels that we don’t have an “emotional connection” yet. Thankfully boyfriend gave a resounding “no” and thought that was that.

A couple of days ago I get a friend request from her on Facebook along with a 7 paragraph message about how she’d love to be closer to me and get to know the woman that her eldest son is in love with. I had a look at her profile and it looks like she is pretty obsessive with Facebook - commenting on every single post of her friends, asking questions about the posts and then following up within a couple of hours asking why they hadn’t got back to her etc. etc. I haven’t confirmed the request yet. I told boyfriend about it and he suggested that I just add her or she’ll be upset and pretend I don’t use Facebook/ see her posts but it’s obvious that I do and I don’t want to deliberately ignore her.

But, I just cannot be arsed with dealing with more people wanting things from me. I work, I have 2dc who are both pretty hard work in themselves, I have my elderly mum who is constantly getting lost/ falling over/ causing trouble and yet is point blank refusing to consider any extra help. I have an ex husband who is still causing me no end of grief. I have a best friend who is currently going through absolute hell and I just do not want any more people to take up my time. I know it’s selfish but I don’t care.

As for the 🥱 - are you the Mum? Blimey.

[quote Izzycat28]@CozyCushion but it’s not ‘some random’ it’s her partners mother who he sounds relatively close to?[/quote]
Not her partner. Her boyfriend.
Who can be as close to his own mother as he wishes.

The internalised misogyny is rampant on this thread!
I bet you take on all your partner's xmas shopping, family organisation & emotional load too @Izzycat28 - & that's why you are so aghast when a woman refuses to accept her Allocated Feminine Duties ...

Just add her but don't follow her or see her posts. If she comments on what you post just ignore it. You don't need to respond. Presumably you don't post much so it won't be an issue. Seems very off to not befriend her.

It's because a woman isn't allowed to decide she has enough to deal with. She's supposed to Be Kind even if that puts her on her knees.

@IncompleteSenten

She doesn't sound cold to me either.

I expect the issue is that she is not having the expected type of relationship that a woman should have (should want to have. Should be desperate to have). ie moving in together and being a family.

She calls him her boyfriend, people reply calling him her partner.

Boyfriend's mum becomes her mil

It's like the idea of a woman just wanting a romantic relationship without wanting it to become a live in partnership of joint finances and her doing his family's Christmas presents is just so alien that there must be something wrong with her.

Well there's nothing wrong with her.

She has her home, her life, her children,her family, her friends, a love interest to meet up with, go places with, spend time with, have (hopefully) great sex with.

Sounds to me like she's got her life working pretty well and as she wants it.

Why should she change a thing? She's happy, her bloke is happy.

So what is she doing wrong? Basically it seems that what she is doing wrong is not doing something that will make her life worse in order to prioritise someone else. She's not ... Being Kind.

There are times when you have to put what you want to the side because someone else's needs are greater. Your boyfriend's mum wanting to be your bff is not one of them.

Great post.

@ShaneTheThird

Personally I think it's silly and selfish to get into relationships with people and have zero desire to get to know their family. What's the point if they are close to their family that's just asking for a life of trouble.

What - like most male partners then?

How very dare OP not wish to be a wife, or do wife-work.
Or have autonomy over her own life.

Ah, apologies @notstacysmum I misread. If boyfriend got hit by a bus then I’d visit him in hospital and I assume his mum would too. As I said, we’re perfect cordial, there’s no dislike as far as I’m aware on either side and we both love her son so I don’t see why sitting at his bedside would cause an issue. I simply don’t want a close friendship with her, I’m not saying I’ll be rude to her, never speak to her or anything like that. I simply don’t want any kind of relationship with her apart from occasions when I’m with my boyfriend and she’s also there.

@ChargingBuck I dont think boyfriend is overly close with his mum. She lives a couple of hours drive away, they have a weekly phone call and see each other maybe once every 3 months. As I’ve said repeatedly, I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I never want to live, marry or blend families so if boyfriend is expecting me to nurse relationships with his family that is crossing a very clear boundary.

@BlackAlys definitely reading the right thread. Never said that DP is the problem. I said that she is the problem. And that she is the one that has the problem. Because DP's mum isn't doing anything wrong. If anything she's making an effort with OP. The issue here is that DP is not in it for the long haul, is she? It's just a casual thing for her. So then why does it matter about DP's mum's conduct? That wouldn't bother me whatsoever if I was just sleeping with the person and not looking for any long-term commitment.

Who knows? Maybe that's precisely why it bother's OP so much. Because she knows she's not in it for the long haul.

Hope that answers your questions. If not, apologies, can't elaborate or be any clearer than that. Have a good day.

My MIL is on fb and has all her sons and their partners added except me, she's never added me and I seem to be blocked...she does however have my dh's ex wife added oh well poor me

Either explain to him that this is a casual fling and that you don't want "monogamy" as you so claim, and that he is basically just someone you want to have casual sex with, or dump him and put both him and his mother out of their misery.

What an oddly blinkered view of relationships.

If OP doesn't want to marry & blend 2 families, clearly she's somewhat up herself, & as she so wantonly refuses to fit your narrow view, you assume she is unable to offer long-term commitment or be monogamous.

What a nasty mindset @rocky1914
And what a low capacity for absorbing facts. Since OP clearly states she is both monogamous & committed, as is her her b/f, who is fully on board with never living together, & also committed - but you write this off as a "casual fling" because you are unable to perceive that other people don't need to conform to your prescriptive perceptions of romance.

@rocky1914 I’m definitely in it for the long haul and I love boyfriend deeply. I know that I never want to live with him or get married again but that doesn’t mean that I’m not committed to him.

[quote notstacysmum]@PossiblyDreaming I asked if HE got hit by a bus- not her.

I imagined you to be in your 50's the way you describe you relationship/life/insistence you will NEVER be in a committed relationship again. Your circumstances are unusual a few I think MIL is behaving how a mum would normally behave towards to her 40 year old son's girlfriend of 2 years- if you really don't want to be friendly with her that's fine but be kind about it- some of the posts suggesting she's a lonely biddy [/quote]
Why do you think the OP's relationship isn't committed @notstacysmum?

unable to perceive that other people don't need to conform to your prescriptive perceptions of romance.

I think this is the issue on this thread. Many posters aren't relating to what OP's situation is.

Good luck OP. If the restricted FB status doesn't solve things, then maybe separate your business page and open up a very strictly restricted personal FB account and add her to that.

if boyfriend is expecting me to nurse relationships with his family that is crossing a very clear boundary.

@PossiblyDreaming you & b/f sound like you're on the same page, with the same wish for a committed, monogamous, live-apart relationship. I suspect this won't be a problem for you.

Dozens of PP seem to have a problem with you refusing to "nurse relationships" for him though.
Almost as if they are unwittingly serving the patriarchy by policing other women, & denigrating them as unwomanly, unnatural, & somehow wanton, for not complying with requirements to subjugate themselves to convention ...

Maybe that's precisely why it bother's OP so much. Because she knows she's not in it for the long haul.

@rocky1914 how is it not in it for the long haul to be discussing with her b/f how their relationship might look when his kids have left university?

Is this your comprehension issue again?

@ChargingBuck

Either explain to him that this is a casual fling and that you don't want "monogamy" as you so claim, and that he is basically just someone you want to have casual sex with, or dump him and put both him and his mother out of their misery.

What an oddly blinkered view of relationships.

If OP doesn't want to marry & blend 2 families, clearly she's somewhat up herself, & as she so wantonly refuses to fit your narrow view, you assume she is unable to offer long-term commitment or be monogamous.

What a nasty mindset @rocky1914
And what a low capacity for absorbing facts. Since OP clearly states she is both monogamous & committed, as is her her b/f, who is fully on board with never living together, & also committed - but you write this off as a "casual fling" because you are unable to perceive that other people don't need to conform to your prescriptive perceptions of romance.

I said what I said. I'm not going to repeat myself, nor am I going to backtrack on anything I've said. Your perception of my opinion is of absolutely no relevance to me whatsoever. Sorry to disappoint.

I had time yesterday. Today I am busy. Have a nice day.

Stick to your guns. If she wants to know about her son’s /grandchildren’s lives, she can comment on his fb page to her heart’s content. The only reason to be on your fb is the ‘daughter I never had’ narrative, and my hair’s standing on end on your behalf.

@ChargingBuck

Maybe that's precisely why it bother's OP so much. Because she knows she's not in it for the long haul.

@rocky1914 how is it not in it for the long haul to be discussing with her b/f how their relationship might look when his kids have left university?

Is this your comprehension issue again?

You have a lot of time on your hands. Sadly, today, I do not. Do with that what you will. Either way, please stop quoting and @'ing me. This conversation is over. Have a nice day.

Thanks @BlackAlys and @ChargingBuck. Hopefully the restricted view will do it. If not, boyfriend will just have to have another word with her.

Also, if she contacts you via FB messenger, and you reply........she can then phone you without knowing your number 👍

@BlackAlys

unable to perceive that other people don't need to conform to your prescriptive perceptions of romance.

I think this is the issue on this thread. Many posters aren't relating to what OP's situation is.

Good luck OP. If the restricted FB status doesn't solve things, then maybe separate your business page and open up a very strictly restricted personal FB account and add her to that.

Agree with all of this. I actually would have two profiles regardless. Less messy.

I said what I said. I'm not going to repeat myself, nor am I going to backtrack on anything I've said.

Haven't you just, @rocky1914.
You don't need to repeat it, but thanks for confirming that you are unable to re-assess your opinion.
To do so, you'd need to assimilate all the facts you've ignored, instead of inventing untrue opinions about the strength of OP's relationship.

@FunkyPhantom thanks for that, could well be a lifesaver!

@ChargingBuck not unable. Just unwilling. Because I said what I said. What that means is that I have no desire to reassess anything I've said. Now for the last time and with all due respect, please stop @'ing me.

This conversation is over. Please assess and comprehend that.

Thank you and goodbye.