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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want his mum as my FB friend?

187 replies

PossiblyDreaming · 14/01/2022 19:08

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re both divorced with kids of our own and live separately. No plans to move in together, I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I never want to live or become financially entangled with another man, ever. We see each other most weekends and have a great time together. He’s met my kids, I’ve met his, we’ve all been on holiday together and I’ve also been on holiday with just him a few times too.

I’ve met his parents 3/4 times. They’re perfectly nice but not people that I would willingly choose to spend time with. I spent years trying to cultivate a friendly relationship with my ex pil’s despite them only just tolerating me and me just about tolerating them. Now, whenever I’m with boyfriend and his mum phones (she tends to phone most Sundays so I’m often there too) she’ll ask boyfriend to hand the phone to me for a chat. I will make perfectly polite conversation with her and hand the phone back. I told boyfriend I don’t really like it though so he now generally tells her that I’m out of the m or busy so I can get out of it.

Boyfriend went to stay with his parents last week and his mum was apparently feeling a bit down. She said she feels a bit excluded from her kids lives - boyfriend lives about a 3 hour drive away from her, her other son lives abroad and asked if she could have my number as she’d love a girly friend to chat to about her wonderful son and feels that we don’t have an “emotional connection” yet. Thankfully boyfriend gave a resounding “no” and thought that was that.

A couple of days ago I get a friend request from her on Facebook along with a 7 paragraph message about how she’d love to be closer to me and get to know the woman that her eldest son is in love with. I had a look at her profile and it looks like she is pretty obsessive with Facebook - commenting on every single post of her friends, asking questions about the posts and then following up within a couple of hours asking why they hadn’t got back to her etc. etc. I haven’t confirmed the request yet. I told boyfriend about it and he suggested that I just add her or she’ll be upset and pretend I don’t use Facebook/ see her posts but it’s obvious that I do and I don’t want to deliberately ignore her.

But, I just cannot be arsed with dealing with more people wanting things from me. I work, I have 2dc who are both pretty hard work in themselves, I have my elderly mum who is constantly getting lost/ falling over/ causing trouble and yet is point blank refusing to consider any extra help. I have an ex husband who is still causing me no end of grief. I have a best friend who is currently going through absolute hell and I just do not want any more people to take up my time. I know it’s selfish but I don’t care.

OP posts:
Rainartist · 14/01/2022 22:41

I wouldn't accept her, particularly as you have said she is a prolific poster. You will regret it. I've put my own DM on restricted view for similar and my sil deleted her for presumptuous comments and intrusive questionning. If your Facebook is a business I really wouldn't.

Mamamia7962 · 14/01/2022 23:06

I'm friends with my son in law on Facebook. Wonder if I'm on restricted view lol, didn't know there was such a thing!

Original poster
PossiblyDreaming · 14/01/2022 23:06

@HikingforScenery I know I can make a restrictive list but as I make all my business posts public it’s a bit more difficult. I’m surprised she hasn’t commented on any of my posts already.

It might make me seem cold to have no interest in the mother of someone that I love but I simply don’t. I think it’s probably a conscious decision in the same way I have no emotional connection with his kids. I simply don’t have enough left in to start caring about an entire new circle of people at this point in my life.

OP posts:
ForcedOut123 · 14/01/2022 23:07

Nah don’t do it, I didn’t accept his mum or my weird aunt either. Boundaries!

Original poster
PossiblyDreaming · 14/01/2022 23:07

In fact thinking about it, it might make sense to change my personal Facebook to a solely business one and then set up an entirely new account that I can keep private.

OP posts:
SpookyScarySkeletons · 14/01/2022 23:10

You sound like a bit of a cold fish to be honest.

madisonbridges · 14/01/2022 23:12

who'd already raised my hackles over their perceived lack of boundaries ('girly chats'? Ugh, no).

Yeah. Girly chats. What a bitch. 🙄

LittleOwl153 · 14/01/2022 23:30

It certainly does make sense to separate business from personal. And I'm surprised she hasn't commented on what I assumed where public posts anyway for your business. You are going g to have to work out how to deal with hernin the business posts whether you accept her friend request or not I think.

BoatisBoatShirley · 14/01/2022 23:36

Just add her but use the custom privacy settings so that she can’t see your posts. That’s what I’ve done with a few people for the sake of keeping the peace / maintaining a bit of privacy.

CozyCushion · 14/01/2022 23:40

I’m with you OP, this would be way too much for me. She’s a perfect stranger, you’re not interested in being friends yet lots of other women on here seem to think it’s your duty because you’re a woman, and that you should be dutiful and good and make sure some random’s needs that you’re not interested in override your own.

Izzycat28 · 14/01/2022 23:44

I can’t imagine this at all, I’d be pretty upset if my partner was acting like that towards my parents.
You’re all effectively family now surely, so I personally would make the effort.

Izzycat28 · 14/01/2022 23:45

@CozyCushion but it’s not ‘some random’ it’s her partners mother who he sounds relatively close to?

HelloFrostyMorning · 14/01/2022 23:52

Tough one. The poor woman sounds lonely and needy and in need of some friends and some company. But it's not your job to provide it. However, as she may be your MIL one day, it seems like a bad idea to push her away, and give her the cold shoulder. You could find her turning very hostile.

I don't envy you tbh. My DH's dad died aged 63 in 1999 (10 years after we got wed and our DD was about 5,) and within a few weeks, his mother (only 58 at the time,) asked DH if she could move in with us Shock

'I'm only little' she whined. 'I won't take up any room. I'll sleep on the couch' (we only had a 2 bed house, our room and DD's room,) and 'I won't make much noise.'

OMG it was awful. A perfectly able bodied 58 year old woman, whining like a child, and saying she was so lonely... She had another 2 sons (DH's brothers) but they were both single - and one lived 100 miles away. She wanted to be with the eldest (my DH) who had a wife who would look after her. Hmm

I had a 5 year old, and a job 3 days a week, and elderly parents of my own who needed care and help. The last thing I needed was her moving in, and hanging around the house 24/7. She hadn't ever worked, (not for 40 years since she was 18,) and didn't intend to. She intended to sell her house and move in with us. DH said it wouldn't hurt to let her move in. Shock I have never been so assertive and angry in my life. I said 'NO FUCKING WAY! Angry

The woman was OK, but fuck me, she was bossy and fussy and picked on little things, and she was so racist too, and quite argumentative. No fucking way was she moving in. I told him me and DD would leave if he moved her in. I said, if both of us are not on board with something like this, it cannot happen.

tl;dr he had to tell her no, and she sulked for about half a year. She came round in the end though, and eventually joined a few local hobby groups and made some new friends. She even got the first job she'd had since she was 18! A part time job in McDonalds - on the lobby! So she made new friends at work too. No way was she ever moving in though - nope!

billy1966 · 14/01/2022 23:53

OP,

YANBU.

You have a lot going on and have no wish to have "wife work" forced on you by a man that you have absolutely NO wish to ever become a wife to.

Would you ask him EVER to be doing some "husband work" for YOU?

Would you?

Of course you wouldn't.

I actually would be very wary of a man trying to add to your considerable load instead of making extra time for HIS mother.

Tell him to do one.

YOU have more than enough going on.

If you wanted another MIL you'd marry him, you clearly don't, so tell him it firmly and NOT diplomatically, as it will likely not land.

Again....YANBU.

Flowers
HelloFrostyMorning · 14/01/2022 23:56

@CozyCushion

I’m with you OP, this would be way too much for me. She’s a perfect stranger, you’re not interested in being friends yet lots of other women on here seem to think it’s your duty because you’re a woman, and that you should be dutiful and good and make sure some random’s needs that you’re not interested in override your own.
Nail on head.

No-one would expect this of a man, to become buddies with their mother - OR their father, and if said man didn't want to do it, and said 'LOL no fucking way!' he'd think no more of it, and everyone else would respect his decision.

Women are made to feel guilty because they should be NICE and KIND and compliant. #bekind #vom

CelestiaNoctis · 14/01/2022 23:57

Lol what, she sounds desperate. Definitely don't accept. Just reject and ignore. If she asks just say you don't use Facebook and make sure your profile is locked down.

HelloFrostyMorning · 14/01/2022 23:58

@PossiblyDreaming As @billy1966 so brilliantly put it, your partner is trying to offload his mother on to you. Fuck that.

Also, I forgot you said you'll never get married or live with a man again, so IGNORE where I said she may become your MIL.

Aphrodite31 · 14/01/2022 23:59

@Sportslady44

Just add her and stop moaning. Be glad she us nice and wants to get to know you.

You can never have too many people that like you.

Agree
rocky1914 · 15/01/2022 00:03

Ugh. Just tell her that there's something wrong with your Facebook settings and that it won't let her accept you. Deny the request and then keep denying it when she keeps sending it, stating that Facebook won't let you accept her friend request because there's something wrong with your Facebook. Lol. That's what I would do. No time for that foolishness. Good luck, OP 😩🤦‍♀️

Moretodo · 15/01/2022 00:03

I can't believe everyone saying add her!
Op has nothing to give, and knows her limits of what she can and can't handle and I sense does not want to add complexity into her life having learned from past mistakes.

Better not add her, than be guilted into it and have to remove her / argue with her/ offend her later.
This protects OP, and DPs mum from OP.

Keep it simple OP!

ShaneTheThird · 15/01/2022 00:04

Personally I think it's silly and selfish to get into relationships with people and have zero desire to get to know their family. What's the point if they are close to their family that's just asking for a life of trouble.

grapewine · 15/01/2022 00:05

I'd find it a bit weird to be dating someone for years and not have any contact with their family. But your boundaries are not mine, and you should keep to yours.

Original poster
PossiblyDreaming · 15/01/2022 00:09

@Aphrodite31 why do I have to be glad that she wants to get to know me? I don’t want to be friends with her. I don’t want it to be expected of me to visit her hometown to see her when my boyfriend does. I don’t want or need anymore friends but even if I did why should that friend be my boyfriend’s mother? I’ve met her, I’m perfectly lovely and friendly when I’m with her but I don’t want it to be anything more than that. My boyfriend and I are in a monogamous relationship but it’s a relationship where I’ve made it clear from the start that I don’t want to ever marry him, live with him, share any kind of finances or rely on him for emotional support or anything else. My boyfriend can tell his mum that but, so far, he doesn’t seem to have done. Or, if he has told her, she’s not taking no for an answer which makes me want to get close to her even less.

OP posts:
Original poster
PossiblyDreaming · 15/01/2022 00:11

@grapewine I do have contact with her in that if my boyfriend is on the phone with her we’ll often have a quick hello and ask how we’ve been. I’ve been feeling a bit emotionally overwhelmed recently so boyfriend has made excuses for me. I also spend time with her when she’s at boyfriend’s house and I’m there too.

OP posts:
grapewine · 15/01/2022 00:18

[quote PossiblyDreaming]@grapewine I do have contact with her in that if my boyfriend is on the phone with her we’ll often have a quick hello and ask how we’ve been. I’ve been feeling a bit emotionally overwhelmed recently so boyfriend has made excuses for me. I also spend time with her when she’s at boyfriend’s house and I’m there too.[/quote]
Fair enough! In any case, it's always good to have boundaries, and since you've made clear to your boyfriend what yours are, then I agree that it's up to him to speak to his mother about this.