To not want his mum as my FB friend?

[PossiblyDreaming]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re both divorced with kids of our own and live separately. No plans to move in together, I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I never want to live or become financially entangled with another man, ever. We see each other most weekends and have a great time together. He’s met my kids, I’ve met his, we’ve all been on holiday together and I’ve also been on holiday with just him a few times too.

I’ve met his parents 3/4 times. They’re perfectly nice but not people that I would willingly choose to spend time with. I spent years trying to cultivate a friendly relationship with my ex pil’s despite them only just tolerating me and me just about tolerating them. Now, whenever I’m with boyfriend and his mum phones (she tends to phone most Sundays so I’m often there too) she’ll ask boyfriend to hand the phone to me for a chat. I will make perfectly polite conversation with her and hand the phone back. I told boyfriend I don’t really like it though so he now generally tells her that I’m out of the m or busy so I can get out of it.

Boyfriend went to stay with his parents last week and his mum was apparently feeling a bit down. She said she feels a bit excluded from her kids lives - boyfriend lives about a 3 hour drive away from her, her other son lives abroad and asked if she could have my number as she’d love a girly friend to chat to about her wonderful son and feels that we don’t have an “emotional connection” yet. Thankfully boyfriend gave a resounding “no” and thought that was that.

A couple of days ago I get a friend request from her on Facebook along with a 7 paragraph message about how she’d love to be closer to me and get to know the woman that her eldest son is in love with. I had a look at her profile and it looks like she is pretty obsessive with Facebook - commenting on every single post of her friends, asking questions about the posts and then following up within a couple of hours asking why they hadn’t got back to her etc. etc. I haven’t confirmed the request yet. I told boyfriend about it and he suggested that I just add her or she’ll be upset and pretend I don’t use Facebook/ see her posts but it’s obvious that I do and I don’t want to deliberately ignore her.

But, I just cannot be arsed with dealing with more people wanting things from me. I work, I have 2dc who are both pretty hard work in themselves, I have my elderly mum who is constantly getting lost/ falling over/ causing trouble and yet is point blank refusing to consider any extra help. I have an ex husband who is still causing me no end of grief. I have a best friend who is currently going through absolute hell and I just do not want any more people to take up my time. I know it’s selfish but I don’t care.

Your boundaries are excellent, op. Ignore anyone telling you to be friends with your boyfriend's mother. How absurd.

This is your boyfriend’s mother, not some stranger off the street. It’s bizarre that you have jumped to intensely negative conclusions about her based on such limited interactions. I don’t know how long you have ever been in a relationship but as someone who has been married for decades I can tell you that it is a mistake to start off this way. If you are serious about this man she may one day be your family, you may need to rely on her and vice versa. It sounds like you’ve been civil enough the few times you met her, at least until you started refusing to speak to her, and it doesn’t sound like she did anything rude or hurtful. Why do you see it as such an imposition that she wants to get to know you better? This does NOT mean that you have to interact with her daily and be her BFF but there is a lot of middle ground. You can be polite and friendly and still clear about your boundaries. Why wouldn’t you at least accept the friend request and set it so she can’t see most/all of your posts?

To be honest I think your extreme reaction to your boyfriend’s mother says more about you than anything else. Either you have never learned to compromise, you lack the skills to maintain boundaries while still being polite and friendly to the mother of someone you care about OR you are ambivalent about the relationship and don’t want to build any further connections with his family.

Actually, OP has explained several times that there will be no blending of families, shared home, or finances. Her boyfriend's mother won't be family in this case.

I would hate this but would probably accept to keep the peace; then unfollow & fully restrict her straight away. I feel the main problem is going to be with messenger unless you don’t use that with boyfriend then could maybe get away with ignoring/archiving anything if she sends messages? You know; if you usually use wassap to text with him?

I just think your reaction is a bit over the top. You have a superiority complex almost. Surprised at all the people agreeing your reaction is normal to be fair.

I'd probably consider you quirky just like your dp's mum.

You're doing the right thing
I've blocked one Aunt, she's just bloody nosy and my Mother has asked several times to be added and I've refused, as she's exactly the same
Sometimes you have to set your boundaries and people need to respect them

[quote PossiblyDreaming]@Aphrodite31 why do I have to be glad that she wants to get to know me? I don’t want to be friends with her. I don’t want it to be expected of me to visit her hometown to see her when my boyfriend does. I don’t want or need anymore friends but even if I did why should that friend be my boyfriend’s mother? I’ve met her, I’m perfectly lovely and friendly when I’m with her but I don’t want it to be anything more than that. My boyfriend and I are in a monogamous relationship but it’s a relationship where I’ve made it clear from the start that I don’t want to ever marry him, live with him, share any kind of finances or rely on him for emotional support or anything else. My boyfriend can tell his mum that but, so far, he doesn’t seem to have done. Or, if he has told her, she’s not taking no for an answer which makes me want to get close to her even less.[/quote]
If you are serious about this man she may one day be your family

Upon reading your most recent replies I'm inclined to agree with some pp's that you're being a bit over the top.

If you have no intentions of any long-term commitment to this man, then why are you wasting everybody's time?

Either explain to him that this is a casual fling and that you don't want "monogamy" as you so claim, and that he is basically just someone you want to have casual sex with, or dump him and put both him and his mother out of their misery.

You sound extremely selfish and even somewhat up yourself. You are nothing special. He can do better.

I said what I said. 🥱

@Aquamarine1029

Your boundaries are excellent, op. Ignore anyone telling you to be friends with your boyfriend's mother. How absurd.

Spot on

Those objecting probably wish they had the balls to set their boundaries as high 😁

Those objecting probably wish they had the balls to set their boundaries as high 😁

Not even. Boundaries are set in a relationship that truly is monogamous and actually has a future of some sort.

What OP has just described is certainly not a loving, monogamous, going-somewhere type of relationship.

They are merely friends with benefits.

Funny how she doesn't have the balls to actually tell both DP or the mother that, though. For somebody so seemingly forthright and dead-set in her beliefs/opinions.

I'm tired. I'm going to bed.

Set yourself free OP and go and find somebody else's bed to sleep in casually.

Goodnight.

Why are you asking us when you have no intention of being her friend? You've already made your mind up whatever anyone says.

Of course YANBU. You life, your choice.

But why close yourself off? Inter generational friendships can be so rewarding to both parties. Who says you'll be burdened?

Somebody is reaching out saying ' I like you and want to get to know you'

Maybe it's not your style or too effusive. But you really have no time to open your heart to a new friendship?

Actually, having read all your posts. you stay as you are.

Save this woman from you.

Accept very late at night then put her on restricted immediately, she will only see profile/cover photo updates and public posts. You can then pretend you barely use it.

It’s an unusual situation that you want him to be long term lovers/casual and not more. She probably has no idea of that and assumes you will be partners etc. most people would love to be welcomed like that. It’s you’re relationship that’s unusual, not her.

[quote Izzycat28]@CozyCushion but it’s not ‘some random’ it’s her partners mother who he sounds relatively close to?[/quote]
But she is not. She doesn’t want to be. She’s interested in a relationship with her boyfriend, not becoming his mothers new BFF. It’s completely fine to have a life separate from your partner, no one has to be so co-dependent that every single part of their lives is meshed together.

I judge people massively on how they use Facebook, and this woman sounds like an absolute nightmare. I bet she posts those "share this if you agree. 99% of my friends won't".

Keep your boundaries, OP. Too many people (especially women) don't.

@Halfabag

It’s an unusual situation that you want him to be long term lovers/casual and not more. She probably has no idea of that and assumes you will be partners etc. most people would love to be welcomed like that. It’s you’re relationship that’s unusual, not her.

This. After a couple of years she's probably thinking this could be serious, marriage etc. Ask your boyfriend to explain the casual nature of your relationship. Be prepared for her to dislike you and, trust me, a MIL (in the loosest sense) that dislikes you is dangerous territory!

How old are you OP?

Agree with PP. She will probably think this is going somewhere as tbh how you describe your relationship is a bit unusual, it's a list of all the things you won't do and won't have. So if it's just outings with the kids and fwb, and no real attachment, he needs to tell her that ( maybe leave out the fwb part though..)

@Izzycat28

I can’t imagine this at all, I’d be pretty upset if my partner was acting like that towards my parents. You’re all effectively family now surely, so I personally would make the effort.

But OP is clear... She is not 'family' with his mother... She said she doesn't want those family type relationships with his family (mother /kids) and doesn't want a 'blended' set up.

I guess these sort of relationships are difficult to understand emotionally, if you've always had a different relationship with your partners family.

My first mother in law, a lovely lovely woman-I was very upset when she died. My second, I like and respect but have a completely different relationship with her... I don't have 'girly' chats with her at all... We're just such different people... With nothing in common apart.from her son

No, don't add her, you don't owe her anything and she sounds quite intense. If she's lonely or bored or emotionally unfulfilled it's not your job resolve that.

I'd send the 7 paras to your boyf and ask him to ask her to back off for all the reasons you have stated here: you use FB mainly for business and your relationship is not of a nature that you expect to become enmeshed in his family.

I’m afraid you sound like an unusually cold person. Have you always been like this or is this a result of how things were in your marriage?

Can you add her and put her on restricted straight away and then she'll only see profile picture updates and limited information etc and you can claim 'don't use Facebook much'.

Think this is the most diplomatic thing to do. I think you should make some effort for your DP because she's his mum and he's stuck in the middle.

Why don't you suggest a monthly get together (all of you) and then this limits the contact but everyone feels better?

OP ignore the people telling you that you sound cold or distant. It's fucking rude, and they're probably the kind of people who like having extended family living in each other's pockets. Which is fine for some, but your approach is equally acceptable.
From what you've said I think you're right to think she'd be a pain in the arse on FB. You have to consider your business reputation as much as your friendships circle.
I'm married to mine, with kids, and I still don't want to have private 'girly chats' with his mum. In your situation that just seems weird.

OP you don't sound cold to me. You sound incredibly sensible and like someone who knows how much emotional baggage they can cope with. I left fb a while back and it was such a relief in so many ways. I appreciate you can't due to your business but for the record I never accepted my fil or MIL as friends when I was on it. The reason was they commented on every single one of DHs posts multiple times. Attempting to be funny, interacting with DHs friends posts every single time until DHs friends stopped commenting and it turned into DH posting just for his parents. Utterly cringe. I like my MIL, she came to stay over Xmas etc. But whenever she asked me to be my friend in fb I just breezily said 'oh did you try to friend me, sorry I never check it, I'll have a look later', she stopped asking after a while. I like the separation between my life and 'in law life'. The idea that you have to take on a fully grown adults emotional need when just because she's your boyfriends mother is a bit full on and off quite frankly.

The problem is that once you have one Inlaw on, you end up having to add the lot

Then you can’t breathe,
Utterly suffocating stuff

Either add and restrict or set up a new profile

I did the latter and still have family
Members trying to add themselves. I ignore them!

And for those of you calling op cold .... are you expecting her boyfriend to add her mum in exchange? I bet you’re not!