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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want his mum as my FB friend?

187 replies

PossiblyDreaming · 14/01/2022 19:08

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. We’re both divorced with kids of our own and live separately. No plans to move in together, I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I never want to live or become financially entangled with another man, ever. We see each other most weekends and have a great time together. He’s met my kids, I’ve met his, we’ve all been on holiday together and I’ve also been on holiday with just him a few times too.

I’ve met his parents 3/4 times. They’re perfectly nice but not people that I would willingly choose to spend time with. I spent years trying to cultivate a friendly relationship with my ex pil’s despite them only just tolerating me and me just about tolerating them. Now, whenever I’m with boyfriend and his mum phones (she tends to phone most Sundays so I’m often there too) she’ll ask boyfriend to hand the phone to me for a chat. I will make perfectly polite conversation with her and hand the phone back. I told boyfriend I don’t really like it though so he now generally tells her that I’m out of the m or busy so I can get out of it.

Boyfriend went to stay with his parents last week and his mum was apparently feeling a bit down. She said she feels a bit excluded from her kids lives - boyfriend lives about a 3 hour drive away from her, her other son lives abroad and asked if she could have my number as she’d love a girly friend to chat to about her wonderful son and feels that we don’t have an “emotional connection” yet. Thankfully boyfriend gave a resounding “no” and thought that was that.

A couple of days ago I get a friend request from her on Facebook along with a 7 paragraph message about how she’d love to be closer to me and get to know the woman that her eldest son is in love with. I had a look at her profile and it looks like she is pretty obsessive with Facebook - commenting on every single post of her friends, asking questions about the posts and then following up within a couple of hours asking why they hadn’t got back to her etc. etc. I haven’t confirmed the request yet. I told boyfriend about it and he suggested that I just add her or she’ll be upset and pretend I don’t use Facebook/ see her posts but it’s obvious that I do and I don’t want to deliberately ignore her.

But, I just cannot be arsed with dealing with more people wanting things from me. I work, I have 2dc who are both pretty hard work in themselves, I have my elderly mum who is constantly getting lost/ falling over/ causing trouble and yet is point blank refusing to consider any extra help. I have an ex husband who is still causing me no end of grief. I have a best friend who is currently going through absolute hell and I just do not want any more people to take up my time. I know it’s selfish but I don’t care.

OP posts:
Cleebope2 · 14/01/2022 19:49

Follow your instincts and keep some distance. Don’t add her as a friend if you don’t want to, you are an adult and you owe her nothing. My MIL has continually wanted me to fulfil the place of her dd who lives in the southern hemisphere. I keep pushing her back as I find it suffocating. If I didn’t then I would start to resent her. This way the relationship is more manageable.You have enough on your plate. She sounds OTT.

June628 · 14/01/2022 19:51

I would absolutely hate this too. This is why I’m so glad I don’t use Facebook! You should be free to accept or decline friend requests as you please. Can you just ignore the request?

LittleMissTake · 14/01/2022 19:53

You can add her, then immediately classify her as an acquaintance. Change your privacy setting to exclude acquaintances from seeing your posts

AffIt · 14/01/2022 19:55

My OH and I have been together for almost 20 years, and I don't have his mother (who is a lovely woman) on FB.

I use my FB primarily to communicate with my mates (many of whom are abroad), sometimes stay in touch with former colleagues, share stupid cat memes. I curate it quite fiercely.

There is absolutely no way I'd accept a request from somebody I'd met a few times who'd already raised my hackles over their perceived lack of boundaries ('girly chats'? Ugh, no).

As others have said, you don't have to be 'nice' or 'kind' just because this woman is the mother of the man you're seeing.

Polite interactions in person are fine.

Sportslady44 · 14/01/2022 19:56

Says ot all. I know I'm selfish but I don't care.

She's not missing out on anything then is she?

Totalwasteofpaper · 14/01/2022 20:00

@MimiSunshine

I would add her but put her on limited view and when she asks or comments day you don’t do Facebook much
This. It keeps things calm and she can't kick off.

As someone who has a MIL who is is fucking histrionic self absorbed, needy and manipulative a "handful" and bangs on about her children "leaving her"

I can tell you right now for free....make sure you love this guy. A lot. Because you are going to have problems with her long term.

Holly60 · 14/01/2022 20:02

I mean, I don’t really see what you have to lose. FB can only really be as demanding as you want it to be.

You may feel your life is pretty full at the moment and I get that, but I can also see it from her perspective. She wants to have a little bit of a connection to the person her son is in love with. I would hope for this too and luckily have it with both my DSIL and DDIL.

She sounds like a nice person and to be honest you never know when you might need nice people around you. She might have some wisdom, qualities, kind things to say that might actually be of some use to you at some point.

If it were me I would accept the friend request and just see how it goes.

shouldistop · 14/01/2022 20:04

But in all honesty, most people spend time or do things for or with their in laws for their partners sake, and if you can't then if I was him I'd be pissed off you couldn't make an effort to get on with my family.

She isn't ops MIL though.

saraclara · 14/01/2022 20:09

Add her, don't follow her, and make nearly all your posts visible only to friends minus MIL (a custom list).
Then tell her that you rarely use Facebook, and just occasionally let particularly boring posts be visible to all friends.

piney07 · 14/01/2022 20:10

Do you even post much on Facebook anyway? I can’t really seeing this being much of an issue unless you do? If you’re so busy/stressed that the idea of a woman being your fb friend is too much then I highly doubt you’re constantly posting on fb!

In these situations (and I find myself in them too) when you want to refuse on principle, I think always just better to be nice from the get go - the stress of refusing will definitely be worse than just accepting her request. Doesn’t mean you need to have girly chats and all the rest of it.

ParkingDiagram · 14/01/2022 20:32

I have Mil on Facebook though she claims not to really use it. The problems started because I have a friend of hers on there too (long story) and whenever I posted anything, she would phone mil and say ‘have you heard that Parking and your son went to xyz place the other day?’ Mil would then phone DH demanding to know why he hadn’t mentioned that we were going to xyz place and she had to hear it from her friend.

It was really fucking annoying and I had to restrict both of them from seeing my posts.

millymae · 14/01/2022 20:50

I’d just ignore the request for the time being. You’re her sons girlfriend not his wife and she has no need to know anything more about you other than when you are with him.
I’d prefer to have an occasional chat with her on the phone or even the odd cup of coffee than for her to be a Facebook friend.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/01/2022 20:56

This is why I got rid of Facebook entirely years ago. I simply can't be bothered with this nonsense and I have no interest in what's going on in other people's lives. Do the same, op.

Snow1n · 14/01/2022 21:13

She doesnt sound lovely at all. Your dp has explained why you dont want your number shared and so she's gone behind his back and is trying to manipulate you into being her best buddy. If a man was doing this itd be pointed out as stalkerish immediately. She sounds like she'll be a nightmare mil as well so if I were you Id keep to my boundaries now if there is any chance of this being a serious long term relationship continuing forward.

Original poster
PossiblyDreaming · 14/01/2022 21:36

She’s not my MIL and never will be. I’ve made it very clear that I have no interest in ever getting married again. I don’t want to combine our families in any way at all. I enjoy the company of his kids, my kids also get along with them but there is no kind of family relationship going on.

I’m sure she would like to have a cosy relationship with the woman that her son is in love with. I would like to not have that relationship. I’ve spent too much of my life feeling guilty trying to put everyone’s needs first and tbh I just can’t be arsed.

OP posts:
JDaytona · 14/01/2022 21:39

@PossiblyDreaming

She’s not my MIL and never will be. I’ve made it very clear that I have no interest in ever getting married again. I don’t want to combine our families in any way at all. I enjoy the company of his kids, my kids also get along with them but there is no kind of family relationship going on.

I’m sure she would like to have a cosy relationship with the woman that her son is in love with. I would like to not have that relationship. I’ve spent too much of my life feeling guilty trying to put everyone’s needs first and tbh I just can’t be arsed.

Good for you for having boundaries op.

Original poster
PossiblyDreaming · 14/01/2022 21:40

piney07 I advertise my business through my Facebook page quite a lot and quite successfully. Having had a look at her posting style it’s pretty obvious that she’d be commenting on my business posts and then replying to her own comments if I hadn’t responded to her. Boyfriend put some holiday photos of us on his page about 6 months ago, I asked him not to tag me which he didn’t, and still she commented on every photo, asking what the hotel was like, asking why doesn’t it have @PossiblyDreaming’s name on when she clicks on my face in the photo etc.

OP posts:
AffIt · 14/01/2022 21:40

@millymae

I’d just ignore the request for the time being. You’re her sons girlfriend not his wife and she has no need to know anything more about you other than when you are with him. I’d prefer to have an occasional chat with her on the phone or even the odd cup of coffee than for her to be a Facebook friend.
But even why 'an occasional chat or the odd cup of coffee'?

The OP is an adult woman, with her own children, family and life. She's been very clear that her relationship with her boyfriend is on a very adult level, with minimal 'blending'. Her relationship is with her boyfriend, not his family.

Tellingly, she says 'they’re perfectly nice but not people that I would willingly choose to spend time with', which could mean that they're either dull as ditchwater or have political views that are so far removed from the OP's own that sitting in a room with them is a trial.

Either way, as we see repeated constantly on MN, you do not owe anybody else your time, no matter who they are.

AffIt · 14/01/2022 21:42

@PossiblyDreaming

She’s not my MIL and never will be. I’ve made it very clear that I have no interest in ever getting married again. I don’t want to combine our families in any way at all. I enjoy the company of his kids, my kids also get along with them but there is no kind of family relationship going on.

I’m sure she would like to have a cosy relationship with the woman that her son is in love with. I would like to not have that relationship. I’ve spent too much of my life feeling guilty trying to put everyone’s needs first and tbh I just can’t be arsed.

Good for you.
ChargingBuck · 14/01/2022 21:44

@LondonQueen

I would add her, don't take her kindness for granted, a lot of people have strained relationships with MIL's.
& accepting a facebook friend who is obsessive about communicating on it & demands feedback to her comments 2 hours after posting them on friends timelines is going to strain the relationship even more.
AlbertBridge · 14/01/2022 21:46

God, I hate Facebook obligations. I fell out with my brother and his GF because I apparently didn't interact with her FB posts enough. They even had a go at me because I commented on her posts less often than I commented on posts from my best friend of 20 years!

No advice, but endless sympathy. Some people are needy.

Ragwort · 14/01/2022 21:52

She's totally over stepping boundaries, it's one thing to be polite and friendly if you occasionally meet up with your boyfriend but to want a 'girly' friendship Hmm as if you are teenagers is ridiculous- she is not your MIL, she is not grandmother to your DC so she should stick to her own friendship group. I am probably the same generation as this woman (60ish?) and wouldn't dream of initiating a FB friendship with my adult DS's girlfriend.

shakeitoffshakeacocktail · 14/01/2022 21:53

I would normally say yes but although I'm sure she's 'lovely' it's very obvious that she's needy and 'helpful' in an obtrusive way.

Some people you give an inch and they take a mile even if it comes from good intentions

Don't give her any more of your time.

Also sounds (subconsciously) manipulative using guilt to forge relationships

HikingforScenery · 14/01/2022 21:56

Just add the poor woman! You do know there’s a restrictive list right?

How can you be this cold towards the mother of someone you claim to love?

WonderfulYou · 14/01/2022 22:14

YABU surely if you’ve met each other’s kids then it’s pretty serious and she’s practically family.

Just accept her but don’t spend loads of energy talking to her.

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